Am I an a**hole?

[Opinionator]

I'm going to be completely honest, I think I'm suffering with PND. I have a 4 month old DC, and I'm been completely on edge one minute and the next I'm fine, and I have been like this since DC was born. I'm on Sertraline 100mg and I'm not sure if it's making me worse.

So tonight my partners parents came round to visit. I was absolutely fine with them and was chatting away to them. Then my FIL lifts DC from his bed where he is quite content, and DC starts crying. Nobody really knew why but I let his grandparents hold him and try to calm him as I thought it might be important to them that they soothed him.

Around 10 minutes after lifting DC, FIL mentions that he needs a shower because he stinks of smoke. He then mentioned that they were visiting someone who was a very heavy smoker and that their clothes stank. I didn't smell them as I was on the other side of the room eating my dinner, but when I got closer I could certainly smell the smoke.

I told them that DC could potentially be crying because of the smell of smoke, both of them started telling me that that's not why DC was crying. I knew that this wasn't why DC was crying, but I just wanted them to hand him back as third hand smoke is dangerous to infants. Because they didn't get the hint, I said I was going to put him to bed (to be fair, it was his bedtime anyway). His mum told me not to lift him from her arms because he was starting to drift off. I just said "No, thank you" and took DC and walked off upstairs with him. They left immediately afterwards.it

I know I was rude to them and I feel incredibly guilty about it. I considered going to their house tomorrow and having a chat with them to explain why I reacted like that (because of the smoke, as well as my mental health), however they have never really understood poor mental health and are of the attitude that people should "just get over it" or "grow up". This makes me think telling them how I've been feeling would be a waste of time because I'll probably come away feeling worse.

To be clear, I've had a poor attitude with DP and others as well. I've been talking to my Perinatal Psychiatrist about how I've been feeling and I'm going to try different antidepressants to try to combat my irritability.

Also, just to add some more context, since DC was born I've suffered quite badly with anxiety when it comes to his health (PIL are aware of this but I'm pretty sure that they think I'm being dramatic or something).

I'm so ashamed of they way I made them feel like they had to leave, that was never my intention.

Has anyone else felt this way after having a child? I'm not sure it's normal to be so irritable and snappy.

YANBU, he's your child and if you don't want him near the third hand smoke then you are being perfectly reasonable. It's not for MIL to tell you not to take him from her either, he's your son not hers.

Can you see your GP about possible PND if you think you have it (nobody online can tell)

Thank you for this.

I've been talking to my psychiatrist and she's going to swap me to Citalopram instead. I just hope it helps me.

I don't see what you did wrong 🤷‍♀️ l wouldn't make a thing of it.

In my experience sertraline is evil, it caused me so many problems. Citalopram worked much better for me. I hope it works well for you.

Don't go round to explain. Just ask your DH to tell them not to bring 3rd hand smoke again.

I actually think you were reasonable, you could've been more arrive and said oh third have anime is dangerous for little ones, health visitor told us not to let anyone with smokey clothes hold him, but other than that I don't think you've done anything wrong. They shouldn't have picked up a sleeping child in the first place. Where is your partner in all of this? Mine would've said Christ mum and dad you smell like ashtrays, have you been at uncle John's, dad do you want to give your hands a good scrub and borrow a jumper if you want to hold DC?

Ask your DH to explain the issue with smoke. They may well be unaware. I thought I knew about smoke and babies, but only realised how long the toxins hang around years later.

I don’t think you need to tell them about how you are feeling because even though I didn’t have PND I would have reacted in the same way. Don’t apologise but if you want you can explain. I think you could say something like “ I know it was quite an abrupt end last night but basically when he lifted him out the cot he was already dozing off but then I thought it was important to you guys to sooth him so let you do that. But then I felt so guilty when I heard about the smoke that I just snapped. We have the dangers of smoke drummed into us these days. Can you just give me the heads up in the future?” Then when they do give you heads up don’t let on but don’t let them hold the baby. Play at own game.

You’re not an arsehole AT ALL

You’re struggling with your mental health. You have a new born.

Babies are unbelievably hard even without PND.

If it will make you feel better then yes reach out and apologise - you don’t need to explain yourself though.

I’m sorry it’s so hard for you - it’s brutal but I promise it gets better. Just make sure to keep talking to your support network / GP etc

So many typos I'll try again...

I actually think you were reasonable, you could've been more assertive and said oh third hand smoke is dangerous for little ones, health visitor told us not to let anyone with smoky clothes hold him, but other than that I don't think you've done anything wrong. They shouldn't have picked up a sleeping child in the first place. Where is your partner in all of this? Mine would've said Christ mum and dad you smell like ashtrays, have you been at uncle John's, dad do you want to give your hands a good scrub and borrow a jumper if you want to hold DC?

You arent being an asshole at all.

Regardless of PND You are in full blown protect mode right now. Second hand smoke is disgusting as well as harmful. If your fil wanted a shower then it must have been bad. You are correct.

You are allowed to say no to people with regards to your child. You are allowed to take your child.

As @sopha said - please contact a dr with regards to the pnd. Ive had it twice. It gets easier with help. I promise. Dont beat yourself up about tonight.

When I was short with people because of my ppd, i didnt have the presence of mind to think I was wrong like you are now.

You guys have been so kind, thank you. I was honestly preparing to be berated with people telling me how rude and awful I am.

His parents are so unbelievably kind to us. They let us stay with them when our house was being fixed, and they've always been very generous on birthdays and christmas etc. They don't deserve me being rude to them at all which is why this is upsetting me so much.

Before I had DC we got on like a house on fire, but since I've had DC I've turned into a different person. I just hope that they look back at who I was before having DC, and realise that this isn't who I really am.

You are overthinking it in my opinion. There was no argument or anything, just a slightly awkward exchange which they accepted.

Blaming it on your pnd and their beliefs about mental health isn't necessary as nothing really happened. They probably just thought "little dc is tired, time to leave anyway as we've had a long day".

I'm not getting what you have done wrong here ot seems like a perfectly rational response if anything rather muted I wouldn't have left the baby crying in their arms please don't feel you must just in case it hurts their feelings

YANTA/YANBU

Take possible PND out of the equation. I don’t think it is relevant to what you did.

Your actions are the perfectly normal responses of a loving mother.

Also, you were not rude. Just because you didn’t let them do exactly what they wanted with your child, does not make you rude. You were polite and actually had and enforced your own boundaries. Boundaries are not rude. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to break yours down.

I think you might be over analyzing all of this because if either your medication or PND. Talk to your psychiatrist/doctor/health visitor about that. Perhaps the medication change will help.

You are not an asshole. You are normal (and polite). FFS, you even said ‘thank you’!

Sorry, I haven't been clear.

When I said "No thank you" I definitely had an edge to my voice because I was annoyed about the situation. Then I just walked off upstairs with DC.

You did nothing wrong ❤️

I found when my first was a baby that someone resisting handing baby back when I'd asked really made me go all primal and protective.

They shouldn't have picked up a sleeping baby, shouldn't have held him when all smokey and should have handed him back when you asked.

You don't need to explain yourself or discuss your PND (not that it needs to be a secret of course but if they're unlikely to. E supportive it won't help you). As a pp, get DH mention how much the health visitor has drummed it into you both about the dangers of second/third hand smoke and combined with a bad night's sleep meant you were on a shot fuse. And leave it at that. Don't over think it.

You're doing amazingly to be getting help for your PND and for wanting to protect your son from smoke

So they visited someone else and then visited you? I would be more concerned about covid than smoke at this moment.

But I don’t think you were rude, you were looking out for your child

@Opinionator

Sorry, I haven't been clear.

When I said "No thank you" I definitely had an edge to my voice because I was annoyed about the situation. Then I just walked off upstairs with DC.

Its still fair i would have an edge to my voice if someone picked my baby up when they knew they stank

I dont think you were rude. You were assertive. I actually think it's a bit odd turning up at someone elses house to see a young baby when you stink of smoke and then telling the mother not to take him when its bedtime. I don't respond know how you could have handled it better to be honest but appreciate we weren't there and didnt get the atmosphere etc. But no I wouldnt mention it to them, if their attitude to mental health is 'get on with it', its not going to help. You could get your husband to tell them you were snappy because you are so knackered, if it would make you feel better

I would have been the same and like you my anxiety is high with DS.
I didn't let anyone hold him who smoked or been around someone who has smoked.
You did nothing wrong. They were rude for not handing him back.

Too many typos

Oh and your PND did not cause this, your response was valid and fine, but your PND might be responsible for you berating yourself so much afterwards so be kind to yourself. If your ILs are lovely like you say then they won't be thinking badly of you x

You're not an arsehole at all OP. Please don't beat yourself up over this. You didn't do anything wrong and I hope you will look back on this and realise that. Be kind to yourself, being a new mum isn't easy at the best of times.

You handled it beautifully. Just make sure your partner knows that you need support and you are discussing your mood and irritability (but this doesn't mean you are wrong or can be ignored by others).

You have done nothing wrong at all. I made everyone who smokes remove all outer clothing, wash hands and if they had smoke on their breath they were sent upstairs to use mouthwash. For 3 months. Mainly DHs family (only because they all smoke most of my family dont) who I love and they all found it exceptionally rude and irritating, and DH thought I was way ott but I couldn't care less and everyone just had to get on with it. I dont regret that in the slightest.

Feeling on edge and snappy is totally normal, it's such a weird time to have a newborn. Be kind to yourself