Am I an a**hole?

[Opinionator]

I'm going to be completely honest, I think I'm suffering with PND. I have a 4 month old DC, and I'm been completely on edge one minute and the next I'm fine, and I have been like this since DC was born. I'm on Sertraline 100mg and I'm not sure if it's making me worse.

So tonight my partners parents came round to visit. I was absolutely fine with them and was chatting away to them. Then my FIL lifts DC from his bed where he is quite content, and DC starts crying. Nobody really knew why but I let his grandparents hold him and try to calm him as I thought it might be important to them that they soothed him.

Around 10 minutes after lifting DC, FIL mentions that he needs a shower because he stinks of smoke. He then mentioned that they were visiting someone who was a very heavy smoker and that their clothes stank. I didn't smell them as I was on the other side of the room eating my dinner, but when I got closer I could certainly smell the smoke.

I told them that DC could potentially be crying because of the smell of smoke, both of them started telling me that that's not why DC was crying. I knew that this wasn't why DC was crying, but I just wanted them to hand him back as third hand smoke is dangerous to infants. Because they didn't get the hint, I said I was going to put him to bed (to be fair, it was his bedtime anyway). His mum told me not to lift him from her arms because he was starting to drift off. I just said "No, thank you" and took DC and walked off upstairs with him. They left immediately afterwards.it

I know I was rude to them and I feel incredibly guilty about it. I considered going to their house tomorrow and having a chat with them to explain why I reacted like that (because of the smoke, as well as my mental health), however they have never really understood poor mental health and are of the attitude that people should "just get over it" or "grow up". This makes me think telling them how I've been feeling would be a waste of time because I'll probably come away feeling worse.

To be clear, I've had a poor attitude with DP and others as well. I've been talking to my Perinatal Psychiatrist about how I've been feeling and I'm going to try different antidepressants to try to combat my irritability.

Also, just to add some more context, since DC was born I've suffered quite badly with anxiety when it comes to his health (PIL are aware of this but I'm pretty sure that they think I'm being dramatic or something).

I'm so ashamed of they way I made them feel like they had to leave, that was never my intention.

Has anyone else felt this way after having a child? I'm not sure it's normal to be so irritable and snappy.

You weren't an asshole. I'd have been upset about the smoke, and it's so hard having a baby you just wanted to put to bed. Don't beat yourself up, just act totally normal next time you see them x

I won't cuddle my partner when he stinks of smoke il be honest. Why should a baby be cuddled up in the stench of smoke. You have done nothing wrong.

If you are then I must be one too!

@Opinionator

Sorry, I haven't been clear.

When I said "No thank you" I definitely had an edge to my voice because I was annoyed about the situation. Then I just walked off upstairs with DC.

None of this is wrong. You weren't rude or outrageous, you were firm and definite and to be honest, although you're going to doubt yourself because of your MH, you handled that well.

For the rest of your life as a parent people are going to offer "helpful advice" and suggestions and all manner of nonsense that you're going to think "sod that" about. Having boundaries with your child isn't rude, it is necessary and important and vital. Being firm with people who undermine your parenting is equally vital and I wish I'd know that when DS1 was small.

Don't beat yourself up over this, not one bit. I'd be pissed off if my parents visited smelling like cigarette smoke and mine are much older DC; it's revolting.

You were perfect... pnd or no, I would have bitten anyone picking up my sleeping baby! WHO tag does that? You want to know who’s rude??? FIL. Then the smoke thing.... if he didn’t know that by now, he’s an idiot. You can’t NOT know these things!!! Your PIL were rude!

YADNBU.

Firstly, if you are in England they should not be visiting others and then coming to your house. They are not complying with Covid rules and this would be enough for me to say they're not coming over.

By their admission they stank and had been around a heavy smoker. As you very rightfully point out smoke 1st hand, 2nd hand etc and the chemicals left on peoples clothes is dangerous for babies. The fact that she wanted to cuddle the baby to sleep and presumably have you place him in his crib smelling of smoke is totally unacceptable.
All of this without the PND thrown into the mix. If you speak to them about I tell them that the evidence is there that chemicals from cigarettes increase risk of SIDs. This should be enough of a reason for you taking your son off of her.
I hope that your psychiatrist helps you and that you get better soon. Did you know that the NCT are doing weekly Walk and Talks for mums with babies, it's a good way to get some fresh air, gives a purpose to get out and helps reduce isolation. Might be worth checking in your area. I wish you lots of best wishes.

Also think you were being perfectly reasonable. Picking up a settled baby? I can’t believe you kept calm.

Then to find out about the third hand smoke?

You were actually calm, reasonable, and they were very definitely in the wrong.

Don’t let them blame you.

They shouldn’t have picked him up without asking, and they definitely shouldn’t have held him or been in your house stinking of fags.
You are your child’s protector, relax and don’t let it affect your sleep 💐

They should not have arrived stinking of fags. They should not have picked a baby up whilst stinking of fags.

Regarding this 2nd hand/3rd hand smoke: Well the substances from the fags are carcinogenic. They are still the same substances when transferred on someone’s clothes, there are just fewer of them.

Mine are teenagers now so no PFB here. Disgraceful to pick up a baby whilst stinking of fags. Whatever apology you might make, they need to acknowledge that they definitely should not arrive with faggy clothes expecting to pick your baby up.

@Opinionator

Sorry, I haven't been clear.

When I said "No thank you" I definitely had an edge to my voice because I was annoyed about the situation. Then I just walked off upstairs with DC.

I still think you were polite. You haven’t changed my mind.

Damn, I wish I could edit my posts - you were not rude. You can be polite even with an edge to your voice.

Also, you were not rude. Just because you didn’t let them do exactly what they wanted with your child, does not make you rude. You were polite and actually had and enforced your own boundaries. Boundaries are not rude.

Even taking into account your 21:15 post I still agree with this.

As others have said, don't explain yourself away, get your DH to tell PIL second hand smoke is not welcome, they need to adjust their grandparents behaviours. Good luck with the pills, you know 1 interaction is ok, but you've drawn a line, that's it now. They don't cross that line, plus your DH needs to have your back in this and other similar situations

Ha! You are not "off". You used to be off-normal as in a total doormat if you think that interaction were anywhere rude enough to require introspection! I think you are developing normal boundaries and other people feel weird seeing you grow up.

It is OK to be snappy with people when they piss you off then do nothing to apologise, no dwelling on it, no grudge holding either. That's how human beings learn to adjust to each other's needs.

You are allowed to be the sharpest tongued person in the room. It is OK if they whinge about "ooh don't pick up the sleeping baby you know what she is like." And variants of "she used to be so lovely but now she tells us where to go when we try to trample all over her" and "It is so not fair we have to think about our behaviour now or she gets the hump. We like doing what we like and her having to lump it."

I think perhaps you're usually a people pleaser and you're anxious because that coping strategy isn't there for you right now.

It's ok to let others feel the weight of your personality sometimes. It's ok to be slightly miffed.

They should have known better to hold him in smokey clothes and tell you not to lift your baby.

It sounds like you will be more at ease if you can state your preferences earlier, rather than leaving it until you're acting it out, as it were. That would be something a therapist could help with - I'm not sure ADs will be the right thing for this.

Assertiveness training might help you cope with letting yourself annoy other people and with knowing when that's appropriate vs when it was a mistake. There's quite a lot that's good on YouTube, so you don't have to go on a formal course and wait for weeks, you could find some helpful things today.

Thank you all so much for replying and being so understanding and kind!

I'm definitely a people pleaser and I always have been. I like to be liked and let it get to me when someone dislikes me. I also feel overwhelming guilt when I think I've hurt another person's feeling.

Thank you all for helping me realise that I was within my rights to remove DC. I'm great at doubting myself and letting others (DP in this case) tell me I'm in the wrong because he thinks I can be too precious with DC.

If it would make you feel better to say something conciliatory to them, then do. You don’t need any extra anxiety.
If they’re not very comfortable with mental health issues, you could keep it very general. “I’m sorry. I think I was abrupt last night. I’ve not been feeling myself lately and I’m very overtired.” It isn’t the whole truth but it certainly is true. You can go into more detail if and when it feels appropriate for you, and not if it doesn’t.
I hope you feel better soon. You sound as though you’re doing all the right things.

I should have said that I am not suggesting that your in laws deserve an apology or that you were wrong in any way, only that, if it would ease your mind to offer an explanation of some sort then there’s no harm in it. If it helps your peace of mind, then do it because your peace of mind is a priority.

I've had exactly the same to the point I removed my 6 week old baby from their basket, at night, hysterical and stripped and bathed them as they smelt of smoke after cuddles with a relative (this was pre-lockdown 2.0). I also seemed to cause a lot of offence by wanting my baby back when they cried or when comments were made about a patch of dry skin or whatever. To the point the relatives in question were in tears and said they felt I didn't want them around the baby. Looking back, as a fellow people pleaser, I was letting it build up until I was upset so this may have come accross, but I also know I was in the right as the mother, and think you handled it wonderfully.
I ended up with a PND diagnosis, and am now on escitalopram (I hear it's a lot gentler on you than sertraline); I think this was in part due to letting resentment and anxiety build up on my part, coupled with a complete lack of sleep! My new mantra now is - it's not about you, it's about the baby- and anybody worth their salt will see you are just a new mum, probably knackered, and at best has hormones flying everywhere! As I don't handle conflict well, my new plan I have rehearsed in my head is to just warn in advance, oh please could you not smoke before handling the baby/I will need them to take a nap soon so this is a 10minute warning (big fake smile plastered on face).

Well done for being assertive even when you're probably tired and questioning yourself.

Sounds a bit awkward. You would have felt worse if you hadnt have done the right thing for your baby.

@Opinionator

Thank you all so much for replying and being so understanding and kind!

I'm definitely a people pleaser and I always have been. I like to be liked and let it get to me when someone dislikes me. I also feel overwhelming guilt when I think I've hurt another person's feeling.

Thank you all for helping me realise that I was within my rights to remove DC. I'm great at doubting myself and letting others (DP in this case) tell me I'm in the wrong because he thinks I can be too precious with DC.

Your PiL have been kind to you but that doesn't give them the right to do as they please.

FiL should have left your DC alone in the first place as he was content.

I hope your DP backs you up with them.

(and most mums are precious with firstborns)

You did nothing wrong. They shouldn't be visiting multiple households during a pandemic, and they definitely should not come from another household/indoor setting, where they have been with someone else long enough to pick up the scent of smoke and/or possibly the virus, then come straight to you afterwards. Also, picking up the sleeping baby was thoughtless of them. No matter what kindnesses they may have shown you in the past, or how financially generous they may be, they have behaved badly here, IMO, and you were right to stand up to them.

People often aren't aware of the dangers of third hand smoke, particularly older generations as it wasn't highlighted when your PIL had their DC (presuming ages here!)

YANBU by the way, just pointing out that they're likely confused as to why you took the baby. You could just send a quick message saying "apologies if I appeared rude last night but I was just concerned about DC being exposed to third hand smoke as my health visitor/midwife advised it was very dangerous for infants" etc etc. just explain and I'm sure all will be forgotten. So sorry to hear about your PND it's a horrible thing. I hope you feel better soon

@2020iscancelled

You’re not an arsehole AT ALL

You’re struggling with your mental health. You have a new born.

Babies are unbelievably hard even without PND.

If it will make you feel better then yes reach out and apologise - you don’t need to explain yourself though.

I’m sorry it’s so hard for you - it’s brutal but I promise it gets better. Just make sure to keep talking to your support network / GP etc

That's what I would have said it I typed faster x