To think I'm abusive?

[Amikraminot]

My parents relationship wasn't exactly healthy-my dad was an arsehole, cheated all the time and my mum kept taking him back. She told me that all men just wanted sex and to save myself etc.

Then my first real relationship was with a nasty abuser. Lots of domestic abuse and violence and I was a shell of a woman. That was from mid teens to mid twenties. My parents were aware of some of it, but nothing was ever really said or done.

Next relationship was with a totally boring but very controlling man. He told me what to do, etc etc and I just did as I was told. Didn't last long.

Next relationship, chose a younger man. He was quite fiesty but I also was quite nasty to him. Told him I was messaging other men. Was a bit violent myself. I shouted, I threatened, I kept wondering if I was being abusive. We finished suddenly and totally lost all touch for reasons we couldn't control.

Onto my current relationship. Again, I've slipped into wondering if I am abusive. I shout a lot, put him down a lot, threaten etc him a lot. Yet I always feel hard done by and like I deserve better. He's no angel, he's hurt me physically, he's emotionally immature and not exactly wonderful.

All this probably makes me sound like I'm a right mess, but actually I have a boringly normal life. I'm in a well respected, professional career and no one would think there was anythibg wrong with life at all. I'm just questioning myself. And I think, there's no smoke without fire, right?

I literally look at my current partner and wonder if I need to leave him because he's abusive, or leave him because I'M abusive!

Basically, help!

My first relationship was with an older guy in my mid teens; you’d probably call it grooming now. He was also sexually abusive too, including when I was pregnant. Met someone else, got married too quickly, that ended due to his violence. Went off the rails for a bit, then met my second husband. That relationship hit the skids, but I’d tell myself it was ok because he didn’t hit me. However he was controlling, and financially abusive, and I felt trapped, and wasn’t very nice to him either.
Why am I telling you this? Because I left. I got help, initially from women’s aid, then from a great therapist. I’ve been single for six years and have a calm and happy home. My life is unrecognisable. Change is possible.

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer

My first relationship was with an older guy in my mid teens; you’d probably call it grooming now. He was also sexually abusive too, including when I was pregnant. Met someone else, got married too quickly, that ended due to his violence. Went off the rails for a bit, then met my second husband. That relationship hit the skids, but I’d tell myself it was ok because he didn’t hit me. However he was controlling, and financially abusive, and I felt trapped, and wasn’t very nice to him either. Why am I telling you this? Because I left. I got help, initially from women’s aid, then from a great therapist. I’ve been single for six years and have a calm and happy home. My life is unrecognisable. Change is possible.

Am really glad you have found help and your life is much better now. You deserve a better life and so does the OP.

OP, you.are.worth so much more but I know it can be hard to believe that when you still in the trauma loop.

Trauma therapy and DBT are the two types of therapy I would like to do because I believe they are the most (of perhaps only) effective with this issue. I was referred for trauma therapy for PTSD before Covid and am of course still waiting. If indeed it ever happens on the NHS...

I wanted to update in case anyone else ever finds themselves in the same situation as I did. I am the OP.

The relationship I was in ended just days after I posted this, after a huge domestic violence incident where he was arrested and charged for hurting me. The police helped me realise that he was abusive, not me. What I was experiencing was 'reactive abuse'. My awful behaviour was a direct result of the abuse I suffered day in day out. He was horriblly abusive and I can see that now.

I'm happy to report that I am now in a safe and happy relationship with a wonderful man, there has been no poor behaviour on either side. It is worlds away from my previous relationships.

Thank you to everyone for being so supportive and non judgemental at a time when I desperately needed it. I hope my experience can help someone in the same situation.

You're in a pickle for sure, and I think you should avoid relationships until you've made peace with the past and sorted out who you are and what you want.

Your mum was doing the best she could, for sure, and also it was still really bad for you. It felt bad and it harmed you to see how she lived and what she did.

It's your work now, to deal with all that so that you don't repeat any of it.

Not your fault, but definitely your responsibility.

It can be done, and you'll be glad you did it.

Therapy and self help. Look for a good therapist and invest in yourself. Read about codependency and childhood trauma etc. I think the most important thing is to talk to someone kind and careful about it all.

Love x

You’ve gained a hard shell to protect yourself from being hurt.
counselling is a good way of dealing with it. So is being consciously aware of how you are acting right now.

1. How am I feeling?
2. How did I react? 3)Was it abusive?
3. How was I feeling when I did it?
4. What would be the right way to react?

If you do that all the time you will regulate your behaviour better.

It’s transference- bullies victom hating the weakness they see in others and it’s common.

And I've just seen your last message.
I'm glad you're in a calm place now, and I still think therapy would be an investment, after everything you've been through.

Sorry just seen this OP. Glad you are happier.