To think I'm abusive?

[Amikraminot]

My parents relationship wasn't exactly healthy-my dad was an arsehole, cheated all the time and my mum kept taking him back. She told me that all men just wanted sex and to save myself etc.

Then my first real relationship was with a nasty abuser. Lots of domestic abuse and violence and I was a shell of a woman. That was from mid teens to mid twenties. My parents were aware of some of it, but nothing was ever really said or done.

Next relationship was with a totally boring but very controlling man. He told me what to do, etc etc and I just did as I was told. Didn't last long.

Next relationship, chose a younger man. He was quite fiesty but I also was quite nasty to him. Told him I was messaging other men. Was a bit violent myself. I shouted, I threatened, I kept wondering if I was being abusive. We finished suddenly and totally lost all touch for reasons we couldn't control.

Onto my current relationship. Again, I've slipped into wondering if I am abusive. I shout a lot, put him down a lot, threaten etc him a lot. Yet I always feel hard done by and like I deserve better. He's no angel, he's hurt me physically, he's emotionally immature and not exactly wonderful.

All this probably makes me sound like I'm a right mess, but actually I have a boringly normal life. I'm in a well respected, professional career and no one would think there was anythibg wrong with life at all. I'm just questioning myself. And I think, there's no smoke without fire, right?

I literally look at my current partner and wonder if I need to leave him because he's abusive, or leave him because I'M abusive!

Basically, help!

Do you actually love him op? You don’t seem perturbed that people are saying leave him. If you want to work in this relationship get couples counselling. Or leave and get yourself sorted. You recognise this isn’t right and you want to change... the first steps are always the hardest but you’re hopefully on your way

I'm not saying poor old me, or that it's not my fault. I'm literally asking what the hell is going on, why this is happening and if I can fix this.

Sorry to all the people who have been in abusive relationships and find this triggering, but I have been in abusive relationships too and also get triggered.

Im not excusing my behaviour, I'm asking for help. Fundamentally I'm a good person, I know this. I have high self esteem, despite being highly aware of my shitty behaviour. I'm literally just trying to move forward

Well, what triggers it?

@2020iscancelled I think that's what it is- you get into that stage where the name calling etc is normal. I think that's where we've got. Thank you for sharing that experience, and the fact that you've since managed to have a healthy relationship. My relationship sounds a lot like your previous relationship. You've given me hope, thank you

@Amikraminot

I'm mentioning my boringly normal, professional career because I want to show how "normal" my day to day life is. How I feel within myself, how everyone else views me. Everything is fine apart from about 5% of the time where I'm just awful and can't pull myself back from it.

Can therapy really sort this out? I wasn't like this in my first 2 relationships, I was a wreck. Now it feels like this nasty person is actually me. How do I change me?

I think counselling would really help you, yes.

You grew up in a dysfunctional, and lets face it, abusive household. Since then, you have had three long term relationships where your dp has abused you, and you are now in another, which sounds volatile to say the least.

You have never seen or been part of a normal loving relationship, so it is no wonder you are struggling. Talking through everything with someone would be really beneficial. Also, I've never referred to it myself, but there is something called The Freedom Programme which is often mentioned on MN. Maybe look into that?

Of course you can fix this, if you are committed to it and take absolute full responsibility for your behaviour. You will most likely need professional help to do so.

I say this with kindness but I seriously recommend that you access counselling services. Start with yourself, set some healthy boundaries and learn some healthy ways to assert yourself and settle disagreements.

It’s interesting that you witnessed an abusive relationship when young and that is also what your relationships seem to be based on? Although it is great that you obviously recognise that and want to do something about this as it is not making you feel good.
I would definitely recommend leaving the abusive partner and getting yourself some decent therapy and yes, it does work. You will be able to talk about how you feel in a relationship, your parent’s relationship and where this anger may be coming from. Also, you may feel that you want to spend some time single to explore these feelings. Good luck...

I would say you have got entrenched in 'violent methods' of communication which you need to unlearn, sounds like that won't happen with the person you're currently in a relationship with as he is abusive. You can only unlearn that pattern by engaging in some hardcore therapy and or being in a relationship with someone who has a healthier way of solving problems.

@Amikraminot therapy can definitely help you. You have no pattern for healthy communication methods or emotional regulation.

Being aggressive, threatening, undermining, dismissing are all emotionally manipulative and controlling behaviour. But being angry is not in itself a negative response. It's an emotion, a valid emotion like all others. Therapy or a really good counsellor can help you see that and learn more constructive responses.

It sounds like all your relationships have the same dynamic. Emotional immaturity on both sides. But you can learn. You shouldn't be in a relationship though unless both of you are committed to sorting it out.

You sound aggressive and absolutely in need of counselling. At least you can see your flaws which is a step in the right direction.

Good luck OP

It sounds like you need counselling for the past and anger management. You're probably naturally defensive subconsciously trying not to be treated as a doormat like your DM.
It sounds tough you need some time to figure your needs out.

I think you may have a lot of anger from your past and there is something about your current relationship that makes it seem ok or desirable even to express it in not-good ways. Perhaps your current partner is not perfect, or even really not great. Perhaps on some level that is what you want, someone to punish as you never punished your abusive first partner or anyone who pushed you around as a child at home.

but it will not make you happy. End it and get some therapy.

I don't think you can resolve this pattern and I don't think this man is good enough really for you to really want to. I think you would be happier single, and in the long term, with someone amazing in circumstances where you can love and cherish each other.

Your partner is getting something out of it too, he has issues of his own. But they are his problem. you get out, and look after you.

Good luck.

OP you remind me so much of my sister, and we are from a smiliar background as you.

I love her but hes very unpleasant to be around if youre related to her.

The problem is, fundamentally she is just bery angry, insecure and scarred by being raised by two emotionally damaged people. Because my dad was and is so awful, she will put up with anything from a partner while punishing them for caring about her, its a very toxic dynamic and something I distance myself from.

You need counselling,
You need to accept and love yourself and just STOP.
You are enough.

I don't know how old you are but my sister is 55 and unlikely ever to change now - you do need to sort this out before you have children if that is a plan.

Good luck - you dont need to feel like this.

There’s different types of abusive relationships - there’s the coercive control type with a clear abuser-victim demarcation, then there’s common couple violence when both sides go hammer and tongs for each other.

It sounds like you’ve migrated from the former to the latter.

Maybe you could work with Respect www.respect.uk.net/ to address your abusive behaviours. You should also do some therapy dealing with the abuse you have suffered and resetting your boundaries and expectations in relationships.

I would suggest you end your current relationship and stay single until you have really worked on yourself. You keep ending up in abusive relationships and are now a perpetrator as well as victim. You need to break the cycle so that you can have healthy relationships.

Onto my current relationship. Again, I've slipped into wondering if I am abusive. I shout a lot, put him down a lot, threaten etc him a lot. Yet I always feel hard done by and like I deserve better. He's no angel, he's hurt me physically, he's emotionally immature and not exactly wonderful.

From this, you both sound abusive and it’s clearly a toxic relationship. I think it’s time to end this one and start working on your own behaviour, preferably with a therapist. You can heal from the past but with a history of abusive behaviour on your part I would be wary of starting a new relationship until you’ve worked on these issues.

It sounds like you had an unhappy childhood, with poor relationships modelled by your parents. That happened to lots of us, too. Then we go on to have drama and conflict in our own relationships. But suddenly at a certain age, you just realise you want a nice life, free of drama and you decide to change. Pat yourself on the back for realising you’ve made mistakes and decide to move on. It doesn’t sound like your current partner is right for you. But when you meet the right person, you can have a lovely life, free from all the dramas of your childhood, trust me xx

It’s not unusual for the abused to sadly become the abuser...because of course that’s the negative behaviour pattern that you’ve grown up with. But I find your account oddly distant and you don’t seem to acknowledge any kind of will, self choice or determination in these events...Perhaps you should step back and ask yourself if you did nothing, how life’s going to turn out for you and if you’d be happy with that? If you’ve got a well paid professional job OP, why don’t you spend some of that money on your own and couples therapy to try and sort out this mess and establish some happier, calmer and more fulfilling behaviour patterns. If you are an abuser, I can’t believe that you’re a happy one.

Op I relate so much h to what you’ve written. And am contemplating splitting with my DP for the same reasons.

I’ve had therapy in the past and anger Mgt, but tbh none of them worked immediately. Years on from both, and something in me has clicked. I’m able to finally see how I’ve instigated abusive patterns of being. I don’t think I’ve been a nice person. As well as having had a v any dive childhood, I’ve realised recently how mental Heath issues have been at the root of a lot of my behaviour. I’m finally on a more even keel mental health wise and I think that’s down to maturity and also and menopause and finding the right HRT finally. But this clarity has allowed me to see how mentally ill I was before and how I made destructive relationship choices.

I would love to hope my current longterm partnership could change but I don’t think we can change together.

I plan on trying out the Freedom programme when group meetings are running. As for other types of therapy, I’m really interested to know what type of therapy people suggest. Frankly none of the guck loads of therapy I did before was illuminating enough. It has to be something that is relationship focused. I would love suggestions for a specific type.

Oops typos. I had an abusive childhood, that should read.

As well as physical abuse, my parents constantly put me down. I find it frighteningly easy to do that myself, or st least I did up to a year or two ago. Now it disgust me somewhat when my automatic thought is to be critical of someone. My DP however finds it very easy to do and the language he uses to me and our kids when he’s feeling defensive can be v hurtful. It’s a harmful way of being.

The good news is it can be fixed.
You're already self aware you need to channel it.
I enjoy listening to Tony Robbins he has many videos on YouTube he helps with direction and how you can focus for change. He's not everyone's cut of tea.
Good luck.

My DP however finds it very easy to do and the language he uses to me and our kids when he’s feeling defensive can be v hurtful You should leave.

@Amikraminot

I'm mentioning my boringly normal, professional career because I want to show how "normal" my day to day life is. How I feel within myself, how everyone else views me. Everything is fine apart from about 5% of the time where I'm just awful and can't pull myself back from it.

Can therapy really sort this out? I wasn't like this in my first 2 relationships, I was a wreck. Now it feels like this nasty person is actually me. How do I change me?

I am not in your exact situation but I relate to some of it.

When we have been abused we get stuck in fight or flight mode and our amygdala is hyper sensitive to stress or perceived slights or threats to our ego. A lot of this amounts to a form of complex PTSD.

I myself am receiving trauma therapy and have had dialectical behavioural therapy on the nhs (admittedly because I had BPD continue with trauma) to help regulate my emotions and impulsive behaviour that came about as a result of my abusive upbringing and unstable sense of self worth.

It wasn't your fault you were abused but you can learn to heal.it takes time but you don't need to settle for a life like thjs

@Evangelista

Oops typos. I had an abusive childhood, that should read.

As well as physical abuse, my parents constantly put me down. I find it frighteningly easy to do that myself, or st least I did up to a year or two ago. Now it disgust me somewhat when my automatic thought is to be critical of someone. My DP however finds it very easy to do and the language he uses to me and our kids when he’s feeling defensive can be v hurtful. It’s a harmful way of being.

I could have written this, much of this describes where I come from and how I behave.

to you and the Op