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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU contact with our son

35 replies

Appleofmyeye05 · 22/11/2020 17:13

Ex has only recently starting having ds over night.
The agreement was one overnight on Friday of week 1 and an overnight Saturday of week 2 and alternate.

Ex has said he won’t be having ds on the Friday as he finds it too hard to have our ds along side his two other dc (3&8) so Friday overnight have stopped and being replaced with a Saturday day time.

This week ex said he won’t be having ds overnight on Saturday and could it be the Friday instead. The reason was he wanted to spend 1 on 1 time with his other dc, whom he had all weekend contact with the previous weekend.

Aibu to of said no? For me it would mean a 5pm drop off and a 10am pick up to suit his plans with his other child and I don’t really see it as a break for me nor do I see it as he will be spending enough time with our ds. Our ds would go to bed at 7 ish and wake about 7am so he would get roughly 5 hours split over Friday evening and Saturday morning and I don’t see it’s worth the petrol to drive him there and pick him up.

I also suspect he is going to change a contact day with his other dc to Saturday overnight which will mean my ds will be changed to the Friday, which I’m not happy about at all. Aibu to say no to this?

The weekend is the only time he has contact with our ds.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/11/2020 17:15

Sorry I pressed the wrong one.

Yanbu. Your son would benefit from A regular arrangement, so his father should be facilitating that. If his dad can't handle 3 kids then he shouldn't have had 3 kids.

Original poster
Appleofmyeye05 · 22/11/2020 17:16

Thank you. My thoughts exactly!

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 22/11/2020 17:19

If his dad can't handle 3 kids then he shouldn't have had 3 kids.

what is the actual point of statements like this ? do you suggest he take one back ? life huh 🤔

OP he needs to manage his contacts better... it'll take time and no I do not think you are being unreasonable 🌺

FippertyGibbett · 22/11/2020 17:23

What does your son actually want to do ?
I hated doing over nights as a child , and much preferred seeing my dad on Sundays so I slept in my own bed every night.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/11/2020 17:24

what is the actual point of statements like this?

Erm..
To empathise with the OP.

Not every comment needs to be "do this" or "do that"

Sometimes it's nice just to hear that someone agrees or empathise with you.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/11/2020 17:25

How old is your DS?

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2020 17:26

How old is DS?

nimbuscloud · 22/11/2020 17:26

What age is your ds? Is he old enough to express a preference?

BlueThistles · 22/11/2020 17:28

If his dad can't handle 3 kids then he shouldn't have had 3 kids.

but THIS is what you said ... its not helpful ... its not constructive and it certainly cannot be changed ...

I just don't see the point in suggesting kids shouldn't exist because Dads a twat 🌺

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/11/2020 17:32

Eh?? Am I in an alternative universe?

In what way can your comment below be acted on seeing as it's something the man needs to do - it's its something the OP can do anything about.

OP he needs to manage his contacts better

BlueThistles · 22/11/2020 17:34

Time... OP was right to say no to his request to change the schedule... let Dad sort it out... given time he will 🌺

Original poster
Appleofmyeye05 · 22/11/2020 17:35

Sorry my DS is 11 months so not old enough to make his own choice yet

OP posts:
Runoutofideas45 · 22/11/2020 17:37

I’m massively confused by all the chopping and changing in your post so I’m sure you and most importantly your son is too ! I think you would be right to tell your ex he needs to reach an agreement with your son and stick to it

Timeforredwine · 22/11/2020 17:38

You need to arrange a 5pm pick up and then 5pm drop off either the fri night/sat day or sat night/sun day and he will need to stick to it. Chopping and changing is disruptive to your sons routine and stability is needed. What he arranges with his other children isnt your worry. Does your son see the other children it might be nice for them to all be together??? Is dad on his own?

nimbuscloud · 22/11/2020 17:40

So your ds is a baby! That must be difficult.
Does he settle with his dad?

Original poster
Appleofmyeye05 · 22/11/2020 17:41

@Timeforredwine

The Friday night was meant to be the time he got to spend with dad and brothers and the Saturday was contact with dad on his own.

OP posts:
Timeforredwine · 22/11/2020 17:41

Sorry thought your son was older so no school or anything like homework to take into account. So can be picked up anytime so long as regular then. I would make firm arrangement and if he cant do it then it doesnt happen.

Timeforredwine · 22/11/2020 17:43

Oh just seen the contact, that sounds like a fair way, time with them all and time on his own. You need to just state times/days then to him and stick to it obviously within reason of an emergency etc.

Still1nLove · 22/11/2020 17:44

Do what you think is best for your ds. What is the point of having an 11 month old from 5pm until 10am? I have never known any parent to return their child at such an early time, surely 5pm until 3pm would be better.

Floralnomad · 22/11/2020 17:45

I found the post too confusing to work out the logistics but you need a set routine and if it doesn’t suit him then don’t change it unless it’s completely convenient with you to do so . It doesn’t sound like he can really handle the overnights did he ask to start them ?

flaviaritt · 22/11/2020 17:45

He has a 3 year old from one failed relationship and an 11 month old from another. Something tells me he’s made his bed. Now he has to lie in it, doesn’t he?

SirGawain · 22/11/2020 17:45

@BlueThistles

If his dad can't handle 3 kids then he shouldn't have had 3 kids.

what is the actual point of statements like this ? do you suggest he take one back ? life huh 🤔

OP he needs to manage his contacts better... it'll take time and no I do not think you are being unreasonable 🌺

Clearly he cannot “send one back”, but he will have to put up with the inconvenience which he is partly responsible for.
VeniceQueen2004 · 22/11/2020 17:47

If his youngest child is three and he's no longer with the mother how on earth does he also have an 11 mo with you???

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 22/11/2020 17:48

He should have thought if he could cope with 3 kids before having them. Not your problem he can't parent. Has he tried to access any parenting support groups if he genuinely can't cope with his kids 1 day a week?

Original poster
Appleofmyeye05 · 22/11/2020 17:48

I feel I have tried so many ways to make it fair but there’s always a reason to change the agreement.

I did say whatever time I drop off is the time I pick up the next day but if ds has woke during then he’s ringing me during the night and then asking for early pick ups. If it’s not n overnight he has text me in the past to ask for early pick up as he needs all of his attention on our ds and feels like he isn’t spending enough time with his other two, but my argument to that is that he has them for the rest of the weekend and it’s a few hours that he is seeing our son.

OP posts:
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