Feel angry and want to destroy husband's games

[Nopainnogain20]

I am shattered and feeling at the end of my teether. I am currently on maternity leave, looking after a 5 month old baby and 2.5 years old toddler. Husband is working from home since the 1st lockdown and offers very little help with the kids. He cooks dinner and put toddler to bed around 10pm. No bedtime story just let our 1st born watch ipad. I was looking forward to weekends when we go out (rather than our usual local park) and he spends a bit of time with the kids.

Our Solicitor advised us that hopefully we are exchanging contracts mid next week with itcompletion by end of the following week. This means we only have

Start the packing with his games and then tell him if he's going to be a fucking useless dad the least he can do is be a decent husband and pack up the house like he promised.

Start working out a exit strategy, was he ever doing anything with the 2 year old before?

Tell him you don't have time to pack because of having to look after the kids so he has to work out a timetable for it and get it done.
Then ignore whether he does it or not.

Prioritise making sure you have enough to eat and drink, especially keeping yourself hydrated.

What an absolute dick. Tell you are ringing the solicitor on Monday morning to cancel. Tell him you can not and will not do this alone and with a new baby.
Just say no.

I’ve learnt from experience the more you do and responsibility you take the less he will do.

Deep breaths, take a step back, look after yourself and the DCs. Point out what he needs to do and leave him to come with a solution and don’t back down.

It's not a marriage at all when your husband behaves like a teenager and you allow him to get away with it.

If this were me and I were in your shoes, I would have smashed all of his devices to pieces. What a lazy nasty twat he is OP

That is shocking, I’m sorry OP, you must be so tired.
It’s not a man/woman thing it sounds more like mum/lazy teenager dynamic.
Look after you and the kids, don’t get into emotionally draining and tiring arguments with him, you don’t have the energy. Tell him you can’t do the packing (it’s true) so he can do it or you cancel, his choice.
He knows you’ll eventually do everything, just like always, he needs consequences

It's not a marriage at all when your husband behaves like a teenager and you allow him to get away with it.

It's not a wife's job to mother her husband constantly or lay down the law as if adult men are incapable of independent thought.

You can't force a disinterested father to become more involved with his children. He's either interested in doing it or he's not. In this case it seems the children are further down his list of priorities than the xbox and the internet, which sucks for the OP being at the end of her tether, but I'm not sure how it's her fault for 'letting him away with it".

Look after you and the kids, don’t get into emotionally draining and tiring arguments with him, you don’t have the energy. Tell him you can’t do the packing (it’s true) so he can do it or you cancel, his choice.
I agree with this.

He is extremely selfish. I'd be questioning how to go from here, you and the baby deserve a loving home, and that behaviour isn't love.

Selfish as fuck. Doesn’t do stuff safe in the knowledge that you’ll do it.
Start with packing his games (into the bin) and tell him his stuff will be staying put and he won’t be joining you unless he bucks his ideas up the pathetic fucker

Sorry "very loving" not "love". Scrap the second paragraph!

Urgh

How very unattractive for a life partner.

Get the kids ready, outdoor clothes, picnic etc and wave hom off for at least 5 hours tomorrow. Pack yours and the children's belongings.

@Nopainnogain20
You are on two different tracks - you're up to your ears in all the things you have to do, taking care of the DCs, the home, all the details of life. You have your eyes on the next step - the new house, probably thinking of returning to work, some day getting the DCs into school.

Your H is focused on getting away from all of that, mentally. He is not invested in your life together. He is not engaged in parenting - he is doing exactly the opposite.

It's tempting to keep on going on your own track, thinking your significant other will come around, or that you are going through a bad patch, meanwhile ploughing ahead with big decisions. I think it's a mistake to do that. Sort out the problems in the relationship before you commit to bigger financial ties.

Are you willing to call off the sale and the purchase of the new house?

I don't think you should go through with buying a new house with this man. Stay where you have some equity built up.

Have you booked a different removal company? Contact them and ask them to pack for you. If they can it’s likely only a few hundred more.

[quote mathanxiety]@Nopainnogain20
You are on two different tracks - you're up to your ears in all the things you have to do, taking care of the DCs, the home, all the details of life. You have your eyes on the next step - the new house, probably thinking of returning to work, some day getting the DCs into school.

Your H is focused on getting away from all of that, mentally. He is not invested in your life together. He is not engaged in parenting - he is doing exactly the opposite.

It's tempting to keep on going on your own track, thinking your significant other will come around, or that you are going through a bad patch, meanwhile ploughing ahead with big decisions. I think it's a mistake to do that. Sort out the problems in the relationship before you commit to bigger financial ties.

Are you willing to call off the sale and the purchase of the new house?

I don't think you should go through with buying a new house with this man. Stay where you have some equity built up.[/quote]
I really agree with this and would call off the sale and have a proper "wake up call
" chat.
It's terrifying to call something off (like wedding, house move etc) but do not let fear make you sleepwalk into bad decisions.
You have to think of yourself and what this means in terms of the future.
presumably the current place has more equity and a lower mortgage so if and when you do seperate it will be easier for you to remain in the current home as theres more equity and the mortgage is more likely to be serviceable on your salary alone.

I would also smash his computer games into tiny pieces tell him he is a fucking adult so stop playing with toys and play with his fucking children instead.

for you. As I would cry bitter tears if this was how my husband behaved.
Find your anger and don't be a passenger - assert yourself.

...presumably the current place has more equity and a lower mortgage so if and when you do seperate it will be easier for you to remain in the current home as theres more equity and the mortgage is more likely to be serviceable on your salary alone.

Yes, this is what I am thinking.

We've bred a generation of manchildren who don't get the concept of stepping up to be a father and a responsible partner. Look at your options. Cancel the house move (probably not possible); tell him he's got to pay someone to come in and pack; calmly tell him what you expect him to do today and the consequences if he doesn't (behave like a child, get treated like one). Try and get through the next few weeks and then look long and hard at this relationship. Good luck 💐

And sleepwalking is the perfect word.

I totally get why you want to break that game! However...The mistake you made was doing the packing when he didn’t! I know you were totally frustrated-why wouldn’t you be!- but by doing the packing yourself, you’ve got him out of a hole. Yes it does sound as though you have three kids, but when you mother him, he’s not going to “grow up”. He sounds like a procrastinator-I’m one, as you can guess by my name- and it’s only by being left get on with things ourselves, without someone coming along to do what we should have done, that we’ll cop ourselves on and focus on the task in hand. If you had just gone to bed with the packing undone, what would have happened? If it was still undone the next morning, you turn a blind eye and get stuck in with the children. If he made a comment re the packing, your reply would be “Oh yeah, I was wondering when you were going to do it”. What you DONT do is do it for him. So what if you’re not ready when the removal van comes? Your husband needs to be taught a sharp lesson and quickly. You’re his partner, not his parent, and you will not be picking up the pieces when he wastes time watching Netflix or playing a game. Both are addictive-I’d waste hours binge watching Netflix or playing a ridiculous game on my iPad/phone, and I put up timers and draw up lists to focus me and get jobs done.

As for needing time to yourself-don’t wait for him to volunteer, and don’t get emotional. You tell him that you are doing x,y,z, and he’s in charge of the children. I’m really sorry he’s acting such a gobsh*te, especially at his age when you’d expect him to be a bit more mature. However, if you love him and want to stay in a relationship with him, you need to start thinking of him as your “equal” and therefore someone who has to get tasks completed whenever and however he does them, and take charge of the children whenever you decide (initially, as hopefully, as time goes by, he’ll realise he’s the children’s other parent, rather than a quasi sibling!). Above all, stay calm and unflappable-difficult though that is in the face of someone else’s time wasting. Don’t get emotional when things aren’t done/he’s not engaging with the children. Tell him you’re doing whatever, walk away and let him get on with it.

Best of luck with things. Hope that your move goes well and that you4 new home will signify a new beginning in a new and more equal partnership.

OP the more I read on here about how some partners behave, the more enraged I become. I have had several partners and kids, and yes had some of this -I am older now but the idea that you are trying to look after two tiny kids and sort out a house move whilst a grown man sits playing on an electronic device makes me livid on your behalf. Who are these people? I was in a relationship with a very capable, but abusive man. I was also in a relationship with a much younger man and he was like your husband, incapable of doing anything without direction. Tell him to sort that shit out now and remind him he is a man with a responsibility to his family. Good luck OP.

I’d thinking whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him TBH.

Men just don't seem to like looking after little kids, especially clingy babies..In fact, it can be positively risky to leave such men with young children.
Men tend to be better [according to a Health Visitor] when kids are more independent and fun, and ''Can be more like little mates''.

I do know some very good men who are excellent dads, but the kids are all older... Not sure how ''Hands on'' they were when kids were little.

Definitely don't move to a more expensive house if there is any chance of him leaving you on your own to pay the mortgage on a dearer house.

My own DH was hopeless with DS for the first few years...When the kids become ''Fun'' they are much more up for it.

Pack the X-box.
Something always gets lost in a move... It might as well be that.

When the X-box is packed ask him which room he's packing this morning? After that keep asking which room/area he's packing.

Continue to assume he will do it. Stand staring at him until he answers or starts doing it.

I can't believe you haven't lost your shit with him.

He isn't really on your team is he? He doesn't care about your family life or want to contribute to it

Letting your toddler watch an iPad instead of a bedtime story and getting him into bed at 10pm