Feel angry and want to destroy husband's games

[Nopainnogain20]

I am shattered and feeling at the end of my teether. I am currently on maternity leave, looking after a 5 month old baby and 2.5 years old toddler. Husband is working from home since the 1st lockdown and offers very little help with the kids. He cooks dinner and put toddler to bed around 10pm. No bedtime story just let our 1st born watch ipad. I was looking forward to weekends when we go out (rather than our usual local park) and he spends a bit of time with the kids.

Our Solicitor advised us that hopefully we are exchanging contracts mid next week with itcompletion by end of the following week. This means we only have

Mine goes through useless phases like this where he just mentally checks out. He seems to need a sharp shock to bring him out of it. Usually when I just can't cope anymore and end up crying and telling him I'm just going to take the kids and stay with my parents.

He then seems to realise he's been doing it and is fine again for a while. It seems to be when he's stressed at work that it happens.

Give him a proper talking to and explain what he is doing and how you aren't managing. If he doesn't take it on board you are probably as well going it alone.

Your two tear old goes to bed at 10pm! Wtf!

Sometimes in life you have to let things fail. Dont do it for him. Dont take it on. He knows it needs doing and he is avoiding it. It might be in the hope you magically do it. It might be that he is more of a last
Minute disorganised person. He will still be able to make a lot of progress today when he decides to get moving. And if he doesnt he will make the day before moving day really hard-but so be it. Perhaps discreetly pack the things that will cause you stress if you dont know where they are.

Alternatively could you smile sweetly and say 'have a think how i might help you with packing today. I might be able to do one room/build some boxes in between looking after dc'

Whose idea was it to buy this new home? If he stalling because he’s not really on board?

Anyway he’s being completely feeble. But OP you are being a bit feeble too - this would be a reasonable moment for a massive row. Why are you not screaming and shouting? He is behaving like an arse and you should let him know.

Or just book a removal firm to do the lot. Who cares if your usual firm is unavailable, use a different one. Seriously throw money at the problem.

I wouldnt have packed. I would have told him he has to do it, because I'm with the children. When his lack of effort effects his plans, I'm sure he will step up next time.

@oakleaffy that might be your experience of your husband but mine loved it when ours were babies.

I actually agree with @SunscreenCentral. Tell him you’ll be calling the sol tomorrow.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to my rant, it helps looking at things from different perspectives. I got in touch with another removal company, awaiting for their quote and have another to contact. Plan to get them pack the whole place once exchange contracts so I feel much less stressed out. Went out with the kids all morning and came home to husband packing so let's see.

When we moved home previously (pre-kids), he did the whole moving himself with a mate. When I went back to work after our 1st born (7am-7pm as 2 hour commuting), husband did all the dropoff/ pickup to nursery and meals so he started to bond with our kid so I hoped things would improve.

Regarding the advice of cancelling the house purchase for keeping my equity, I am not sure if I miss anything. Our home move helps to reduce my commute to work from 2 hrs to 40 minutes. Plus the accumulated equity will be the deposit for new home, which my husband asked our Solicitor to write a deed to keep the whole amount under my name. I can afford new mortgage payment with childcare and usual bills on my salary so it shouldn't be a problem.

I don't play any computer games so really hate to see husband as an adult wasting time playing Xbox games, not sure if it's common. I just want him to spend more times with the children as they are growing up quickly.

My DH plays games and I wish I’d never married him. Computer gaming dominates our entire life. My life is over. This is it for me because I have no way to start again at my age. Don’t be me. Once they’re into this stuff then that’s it. You’re done for. It’s an incredibly lonely, depressing existence. Get out while you can and find an adult to share your life with

Put the xbox in a box and then "lose" it in the move.

Plus the accumulated equity will be the deposit for new home, which my husband asked our Solicitor to write a deed to keep the whole amount under my name.

Explain this further? Why is this?

He cooks dinner and put toddler to bed around 10pm. No bedtime story just let our 1st born watch ipad.

Obviously he's a crap parent, doing this. What are you doing at this point? I assume that the baby is asleep?

I'm not saying it's your 'job' to do this but I can't understand that you let this continue. A 2 yo going to sleep at 10, watching an iPad - it's totally detrimental to his well-being.

Sort that one out (take care of his bedtime if you need to) & then start making it crystal-clear to your H that it's not acceptable.

@oakleaffy

Men just don't seem to like looking after little kids, especially clingy babies..In fact, it can be positively risky to leave such men with young children. Men tend to be better [according to a Health Visitor] when kids are more independent and fun, and ''Can be more like little mates''.

I do know some very good men who are excellent dads, but the kids are all older... Not sure how ''Hands on'' they were when kids were little.

Definitely don't move to a more expensive house if there is any chance of him leaving you on your own to pay the mortgage on a dearer house.

My own DH was hopeless with DS for the first few years...When the kids become ''Fun'' they are much more up for it.

I don't have kids so might be missing something here - if they chose to have kids, why do they get to opt out till the kids are more fun?!

What a complete prick. Dont pack anything at all. Tell him you are too busy looking after the kids and leave the ball entirely in his court. Do not give in. Also stop cooking his meals, having sex with hi. Or washing and ironing his clothes. Do not pick up the slack. After a while he will realise his life is very unpleasant.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

It's not a marriage at all when your husband behaves like a teenager and you allow him to get away with it.

It's not a wife's job to mother her husband constantly or lay down the law as if adult men are incapable of independent thought.

You can't force a disinterested father to become more involved with his children. He's either interested in doing it or he's not. In this case it seems the children are further down his list of priorities than the xbox and the internet, which sucks for the OP being at the end of her tether, but I'm not sure how it's her fault for 'letting him away with it".

You can't force a disinterested father to be more involved with his kids, but you can a) not have more kids for him to ignore when youve got evidence he doesn't care about the first one and/or b) leave, so that the kids don't suffer the damage of being constantly ignored by their father, in their own home.

@MustardMitt - me too. My DC's father adored them as babies. I'd honestly never saw him happier than proudly 'jigging' one of the babies. He was completely hands on from the word go. And since when does a parent get to decide actually they're not going to look after their baby...they'll just leave it in a corner until it gets more fun?!

@oakleaffy

Men just don't seem to like looking after little kids, especially clingy babies..In fact, it can be positively risky to leave such men with young children. Men tend to be better [according to a Health Visitor] when kids are more independent and fun, and ''Can be more like little mates''.

I do know some very good men who are excellent dads, but the kids are all older... Not sure how ''Hands on'' they were when kids were little.

Definitely don't move to a more expensive house if there is any chance of him leaving you on your own to pay the mortgage on a dearer house.

My own DH was hopeless with DS for the first few years...When the kids become ''Fun'' they are much more up for it.

I'm sorry, but the men you're talking about here? They're dicks, and shit dads. Not interested until they're "fun"?? Who the hell is sleeping with these people?

My ex (DC's dad) and my current DP both play console games. I do sometimes too (mainly with the DC). They either play games with the DC or if they want to play alone or a more adult game that happens when the DC are in bed and the chores done. And they don't only do that - they would/do watch a film with me, listen to music together etc. I've never begrudged either relaxing with a game while I relaxed with a book/Mumsnet(!) The console isn't the problem - the DH is!

@lifestooshort123

We've bred a generation of manchildren who don't get the concept of stepping up to be a father and a responsible partner. Look at your options. Cancel the house move (probably not possible); tell him he's got to pay someone to come in and pack; calmly tell him what you expect him to do today and the consequences if he doesn't (behave like a child, get treated like one). Try and get through the next few weeks and then look long and hard at this relationship. Good luck 💐

Are you suggesting the generations before did more re children?

@Ohalrightthen

I'm sorry, but the men you're talking about here? They're dicks, and shit dads. Not interested until they're "fun"?? Who the hell is sleeping with these people?

Seeming half of mumsnetters judging by the posts on here. But then if anyone ever dares ask why people breed with these arse holes they are women hating dicks.

[quote NeonIcedcoffee]@Ohalrightthen

I'm sorry, but the men you're talking about here? They're dicks, and shit dads. Not interested until they're "fun"?? Who the hell is sleeping with these people?

Seeming half of mumsnetters judging by the posts on here. But then if anyone ever dares ask why people breed with these arse holes they are women hating dicks.[/quote]
I sometimes feel like I'm through thr lookingglass on this site.

Women have agency! Women have the right to choose! Women are in charge of their own destinies and are equal to men!

It's not her fault that she choose a lazy arse! She's not in control of how her family life pans out! It's not in her gift to change how things are! He's a bad dad! She can't do anything about it! He's lazy and that's not going to change, and that's not her fault!

URGH it makes me fucking furious. If you so much as suggest that you're letting someone treat you like shit because you're, uh, rolling over and letting them treat you like shit, you're victim blaming. She's not a victim, she's a doormat.

NeonIcedcoffee

lifestooshort123

We've bred a generation of manchildren who don't get the concept of stepping up to be a father and a responsible partner. Look at your options. Cancel the house move (probably not possible); tell him he's got to pay someone to come in and pack; calmly tell him what you expect him to do today and the consequences if he doesn't (behave like a child, get treated like one). Try and get through the next few weeks and then look long and hard at this relationship. Good luck 💐

Are you suggesting the generations before did more re children?

No, I'm saying that when they found a partner and had children they grew up and became responsible adults instead of sitting in a darkened room playing computer games with strangers.