To ask what it's like not to be a worrier

[babysnowman]

I'm a lifelong worrier. If I don't have something to worry about my mind will find something to worry about. I'll imagine all the worst possible outcomes in a situation and convince myself they are likely. It's almost like my mind tricks me into thinking this is a defence mechanism.

I've done cbt etc but the bad habits always creep back in. I know quite a lot of people who are like this too.

Id love to know what it's like not to be a worrier but more importantly, how you keep things in perspective?

I worry about every. single. thing. It's so tiring, I wish I knew how to stop it.

This! I am a recovered people pleasing worrier. The inside out understanding saved my life. I now have a completely different outlook. Life is not all sunshine and roses but I don’t sweat the small stuff any more and more importantly I don’t get stressed when I feel stressed as I know it will pass.

Loads of great books have been recommended. I have read all of them. One lovely one is ‘A little peace of mind’ by Nicola Bird.

I have been where you have been. It’s shit but you really can recover.

Lots of love x

@2020iscancelled

It’s nice tbh.

I have friends who are massive worriers, ruminators and people pleasers and they all spend so much time overthinking and anxious. Worrying about things which may or may not ever happen and things they have very very little control over anyway (such as other peoples emotions or behaviour).

I do worry but it’s very generalised - I worry that the kids are happy and healthy but it’s a hypothetical worry. I certainly don’t feel anxious or scared or spend more than a few minutes exploring the thoughts.

Feelings and thoughts aren’t reality. Worrying isn’t reality. It’s just your brain making shit up basically.
If you can understand / determine which feeling is making you feel anxious you can kind of detach from it and see the feeling for what it is. JUST a feeling. That your brain made up. You can observe the feeling, acknowledge it and let it pass.

I would suggest looking into gratitude, mindfulness, “the inside out” approach.
Read, listen to podcasts, talk, therapy etc

Oops I meant to quote this.

I don't really worry. My family aren't worriers particularly and I've definitely been raised not to care what others think or to over concern myself with hypothetical problems. I generally think that if I can change something then I will and if I can't, well then what's the point in worrying? I guess if I worry about stuff at all it's the big things - climate change, my childrens future health and happiness but I know that I'm doing what I can to improve those things so what help is worrying?

I was too, plethora of medication, cutting, suicidal thoughts, therapy the lot. Then I got a relationship with God and I prayed he took it and he did. I didn't do anything personally as everything I tried failed. But life without worry is now amazing. Finally enjoying being here!

I agree with Picky, I'm too lazy to worry, just can't be bothered, if I can't control something then there's no point worrying. And I often ask myself 'will this really matter in a week, month, year's time?' ... most things don't really matter in the grand scheme of life.

It doesn't occur to me to worry about anything, what possible good would it do? Sometimes shit things will happen and sometimes good things will happen. Worrying about them won't influence it either way.

how you keep things in perspective?

I have learned I'm very bad at predicting the future so worrying is a profound waste of time. No point in suffering twice, and all that. Very often, if I leave a problem to stew, some alternative better solution will present itself. Breaking problems down into parts can help, start with the easy parts to fix. I tell DC "Problems have solutions" if they get flappy & anxious. The more relaxed about solving a problem I am, the more often a fairly good solution presents itself quite painlessly. I suspect this is a form of resilience. I know I usually can solve problems so I wait around until the solution becomes clear.

It involves a lot of nasty shocks. I always assume everything will be fine and will work out in the end.

So very upsetting when it doesn't...

I have this trust that things will be ok. I’m nit sure where it comes tbh.

But when I am getting worried (which happens don’t get me wrong), I always ask myself whether it is the truth, likely, unlikely or so Completely crazy that it just won’t happen.
If it’s likely to happen, then I plan for it (that’s my way to deal with the risk of getting No Deal).
If very unlikely to happen, I remind myself that it is not going to. Again and again. I also remind myself as to why this won’t be (eg I trust DH in his outdoor endeavours) etc...

@StrippedFridge this is me too. I am constantly considering worst case scenarios so that I can prepare and work out how to deal with them. If things then happen I am so prepared that I dont get stressed or panic and just deal with them. It is exhausting though and I constantly feel like I am on high alert and I worry if I am not worried. Apparently at work I am extremely calm in an emergency, probably because I have thought about the "what ifs" and planned for them. I honestly wouldnt wish being like this on my worst enemy though

It is wonderful. I say that after wasting years of my life worrying. The phrase 'What if...?' ruled my life. I was utterly exhausted.

I have been on medication for over 18 months. It has literally changed my life. I still care about things and an occasional little worry worm permeates my defences but I can manage it so much better. My mind is actually at peace now and I can concentrate on the reality so much better. Its not for everyone, I get that. But it has literally changed my life.

Try CBT - cognitive behavioural therapy. I did a 6 week course through the NHS, one half hour session a week on the phone, with ‘homework’ to do everyday.

Helped me through a really tough time after DP died. It gave me hope and enough space from the chattering monkeys in my head to plot a way forward.

Negative thoughts are such a burden, Learn how to switch them off.

I know what to do now if I start to spiral down.

Try it.

Good luck.

I think I did used to worry for no big real reason...minor, petty stuff of no great magnitude. Then life did Chuck a massive crock of shite at me in the form of a sudden death swiftly followed by a serious mental health crisis within my family which continues. I now think I was a bit of a prat for the earlier years of hand wringing and am more grateful these days for very basic things.

Great question op.

It's in your genes, hereditary. I'm a worrier too.

I worry about very little , I can’t see the point as invariably it won’t make any difference to the outcome . My dd is a worrier and has quite severe anxiety and frankly it’s very tiring , she worries about anything and everything and as soon as you resolve one thing she moves on to something else .

@Dreamylemon interesting that you say you have something in the back of your mind that soothes you. Did you have a very soothing parent by any chance? That must be so wonderful to be able to self-sooth.

Sounds like you have general anxiety disorder (GAD) like me.

I worry all the time like you describe. I've had lots of CBT therapy which helps a little but its overwhelming at times and the worry takes over.

I used to worry. A lot. As a 7 year old I remember worrying about gcse's and university!

I worried about my boyfriend and whether he would cheat.

Then I realised that whether I worried or not, I can't control anything except my.part in it.
I can try my best not to be a dick or wilfully be bad at my.jib, but ultimately it's not up to me worrying that affects the outcome.

If I have the money to pay a bill isn't determined by me worrying about it, so I don't.
I either do - and pay it, or don't and work out a way I can.
There's always a solution.
If my boyfriend cheats, I can't help that. I'll be sad but work it out.

If I do worry, I ride the train to worst-case-scenario-ville and work out a plan from there.

I do still worry about money from time to time, but I always think, 'it'll be okay'.

I'm married to an anxious worrier though!

@RainingDogs actually no, quite the opposite! I had a parent who had serious mental illness and would often explode with anger over minor things. I think my calmness may be a result of this - there is very little that is 'a big deal' that requires that sort of response. Everything can be dealt with calmly in my head.

Placemarking for book suggestions. Thanks OP for starting this thread. Feeling consumed, worrying all the time, bllody exhausting. Take care all x

Everyone worries about sething at least a little bit.

I found that more life experience I get, the less I give a fuck, hence less worry. I somehow arrived to "Well why the heck shouldn't I try x. Might work out, might not" and "Meh. If it gets fucked, it will get fucked no matter how much I would worry🤷🏻"

There were so many things which went wrong, absolutely wrong, but that led me to other ones which worked out. When god closes the door, he opens a window. I lile this saying and I don't even believe in god.

Were you parents or grandparents like this. From what I've seen on my friends and family, lots of things like this are learned and embeded in when you are very, very young.

I'm really practical and pragmatic and not seeing is an extension of that. So, the thought process goes... Is writing going to help - no. Is it likely to turn it badly - probably not and definitely not if I do xyz to make sure it doesn't. If it does go badly will it be the end of the world or will I get over it and dust myself off - probably get over it. Any point worrying? No none.

Seeing/writing = worrying. 😆