To think not wanting to be massively physical with your friends doesn't make you repressed?

[thepeopleversuswork]

I've got a really old friend (25 years +) who I love to bits.

She's always been very expressive and touchy feely with her friends of both sexes. Loves hugging, kissing on the lips, sharing beds, has even shared baths etc.

Over the years I've had incidents where I've found this a bit much. I'm not a hugely physical person: I hug people (pre-COVID obviously) and happy to kiss on cheeks etc but I don't really like to be massively physical with people unless I'm in an intimate relationship with them. The only people I'm happy to share a bed with are my boyfriend and (sometimes) my DD. I don't really want to kiss female friends on the lips or have them fondle my hair.

I've got absolutely nothing against other people doing this and in some ways I think its rather lovely, it just isn't for me: it makes me feel a bit claustrophobic and weird.

Friend has often engineered situations which involve physical intimacy (such as bed sharing and lots of things like beauty treatments which involve massage and physical touching) which I'm not up for and have politely declined (without explaining why). She's very heterosexual: to my knowledge has never had any sexual experience with a woman, and I've never had any reason to think she has sexual or romantic intentions towards me I just think she expresses friendship that way and expects it to be reciprocated and I generally am not comfortable with it.

A couple of days ago she offered to help me with an issue I'm having with physical exercise and I declined (she has quite a lot of expertise with this particular thing): she offers this sort of thing a lot. She then said she'd noticed over the years that I seem to find physical affection and contact with friends "difficult" and seem quite "repressed" and she wondered if I should explore in therapy as it made her feel I was quite cold towards people.

I'm pretty sure I'm not repressed: I am fairly extrovert, I've never really had sexual hang-ups and I don't suffer from anxiety: I'm perfectly comfortable showing physical warmth towards close friends I just have lines I don't want to cross. Does it sound as if I'm repressed? My instinct is to brush it off but it got me wondering if my reaction was abnormal in any way.

She sounds very annoying

Engineering situations for physical intimacy and baths... That's way beyond touchy feely.

ReneeRol

I know it sounds like that but I genuinely don't think there's a sexual undercurrent to it: I think its just how she's wired.

It's not you. Her boundaries are fucked.

Ypure not repressed.
She is pushing it too far.
Sharing baths with people? Never heard of it in friendship groups.

Engineering situations to get what she wants is not simply being free and uninhibited, its manipulative and reckless of other peoples boundaries

You shouldn't dream of second guessing yourself, and you should give her short shrift if she has the cheek (at best) to pass comment on your perfectly normal and common boundaries.

She doesn't work in anything theatrical or the "creative industries", does she, OP? In my experience, they tend to be more touchy feely than most, albeit not to the point of sharing baths (that I know of).

Butchyrestingface

She does indeed work in the creative industries. But she's been like this from a teenager.

To be fair the bath thing has only happened once to my knowledge so that might be an outlier.

But she generally is very up for expressing affection by touching people.

Some people feel like they need a lot of human contact. Others dont like a lot of human contact.

I dont like human contact. But I'm very free and comfortable with my body, not repressed in any way. I just dont like the feeling of people touching me without reason.

I think she was very rude and you did well to not say "I dont therapy because I dont want to share a bed with you, maybe you need therapy for trying to manipulate me to let you touch me in ways I'm not comfortable with!"

I know people like this - photos of them sharing a bath with some wine watching TV, which is way outside of my (fairly relaxed) boundaries.

She sounds a bit like she thinks it makes her superior because she's Soooo Chill though 🙄

I have friends that are much more affectionate than others. But with friends I'm not affectionate. I don't like the kissing thing. I don't like hugs. With my husband and children absolutely, and my parents were affectionate towards us. But not with friends. I'm not repressed, I just like my personal space.

She does indeed work in the creative industries. But she's been like this from a teenager.

Well, that's the classic chicken and egg scenario then, isn't it? Is it the creative industries that attracts the touch-feely, poor boundaried people or are touchy-feely, poor boundaried people attracted to the creative industries?

Does she er, refer to herself as a 'creative'?

I couldn't be doing with any of that. It's bad enough that she's like that but the fact she tries to turn it round on you and suggest that you have an emotional/mental health issue that requires therapeutic intervention would signal curtains for me.

YANBU and don't sound repressed at all. Any affection needs to be mutually enjoyed and putting this judgement on you is unfair and saying you should explore it in therapy seems daft to me. Not everyone wants that kind of closeness and those who do rarely want it with everyone.

I enjoy physically affectionate friendships - not to the extent of your friend by any stretch, but with some friends I've enjoyed being cuddled up on the couch together and similar level of physical closeness, but I wouldn't put a blanket policy of being affectionate with everyone or think that affection level means something about the friendship because us both enjoying it (hopefully - I have had that backfire before).

I've also had friends where even patting them on the shoulder to comfort felt weird. No idea why, just click with different people differently, I guess. Each friendship is different, we shouldn't expect everyone to do them in the same way.

That sounds really weird to me. Why would two grown women share a bath, or kiss on the lips.

should read - "is it the creative industries that CREATE touchy-feely, poor-boundaried people..."

I am very touchy feely and I think your friend sounds really weird! One of my friends shares your feelings and I just... respect them. It's not difficult. Like, I don't care about bed sharing, she doesn't like it, so if we go away we get twin beds, if there's only a double in an otherwise perfect Air BnB I don't book it because it would make my friend uncomfortable. Why on earth would I try to push her boundaries on this?

Your friend is weird, you are fine. You don't need therapy.

(And when I say I'm touchy-feely, I would like MN to know I draw the line at shared baths! Eeeew.)

As a non-toucher, I'd really struggle to be friends with this person.

@Butchyrestingface - slightly sweeping over generalisation there. And why is creative industries in quotes? It sounds a bit sneery.

You're not repressed. She's a predator wilfully abusing your privacy and boundaries.

Her gender and sexual preference, and yours, are completely irrelevant.  Anyone who persistently inflicts unwelcome physical  contact and intimacy, is controlling  and abusing  the other party in a completely unacceptable way. 

It's clear she knows its unwelcome and unwanted; a real friend would stop . Instead, the bitch is trying to guilt you and gaslight you into changing so that she can keep doing it. Shame on her. .

Butchyrestingface

I think that's a bit of a generalisation: my OH also works in the creative industries and is the most no nonsense, least touchy feely person you can imagine.

Creative industries is a catch-all term for a huge industry which includes people ranging from performers to technicians to accountants. All human life is there.

Its possible that if you have tendencies like this you will be more comfortable in an industry where people are more likely to tolerate it but its a bit of a stretch to say everyone working in the creative industries has poor boundaries.

I think its less to do with the industry she works in and more innate to be honest.

sapnupuas I don't struggle to be friends with her at all: we totally get one another and have masses of things in common. But she's always had a bit of an issue with boundaries. It's not a problem in the friendship it just got me thinking about different people's approaches to this and how varied they are.

Its possible that if you have tendencies like this you will be more comfortable in an industry where people are more likely to tolerate it but its a bit of a stretch to say everyone working in the creative industries has poor boundaries.

It would be a stretch to say that everyone working in the creative industries have poor boundaries/are touchy feely. But I didn't say that. It's my experience from working in the sector that there are a lot of very touchy feely people in that field, not that all of them are.

You know her better than anyone than anyone here and if you think that's part of her personality then it's hard to see that changing - especially if she thinks the issue lies with you and not her.

Butchyrestingface I think its more about her tbh and I think it is very much part of her personality.

I don't think it will sink the friendship: we've had fallings-out in the past about worse things and come back from it. It was more just that it got me wondering whether my approach was unusual.

Based on the replies here its not, which is reassuring!

Thanks all.

Well I work in the 'Creative industries' (unless that's a euphemism I'm not aware of) - I love my best friends dearly but I don't go around kissing them on the mouth, stroking their hair, sharing beds or baths with them.

You are totally in the right to hold you're boundaries wherever you want them. I think she's out of order, even if she was attracted to women.

I like physical touch but not to that level. A hug and a kiss on the cheek is the closest I get to my friends.

I remember a female friend kissing me on the lips goodbye once. That was weird. Even weirder was the friend who said I was welcome to go into the bathroom to wash my hands whilst she was on the loo. I declined her offer and waited for her to finish.