To think not wanting to be massively physical with your friends doesn't make you repressed?

[thepeopleversuswork]

I've got a really old friend (25 years +) who I love to bits.

She's always been very expressive and touchy feely with her friends of both sexes. Loves hugging, kissing on the lips, sharing beds, has even shared baths etc.

Over the years I've had incidents where I've found this a bit much. I'm not a hugely physical person: I hug people (pre-COVID obviously) and happy to kiss on cheeks etc but I don't really like to be massively physical with people unless I'm in an intimate relationship with them. The only people I'm happy to share a bed with are my boyfriend and (sometimes) my DD. I don't really want to kiss female friends on the lips or have them fondle my hair.

I've got absolutely nothing against other people doing this and in some ways I think its rather lovely, it just isn't for me: it makes me feel a bit claustrophobic and weird.

Friend has often engineered situations which involve physical intimacy (such as bed sharing and lots of things like beauty treatments which involve massage and physical touching) which I'm not up for and have politely declined (without explaining why). She's very heterosexual: to my knowledge has never had any sexual experience with a woman, and I've never had any reason to think she has sexual or romantic intentions towards me I just think she expresses friendship that way and expects it to be reciprocated and I generally am not comfortable with it.

A couple of days ago she offered to help me with an issue I'm having with physical exercise and I declined (she has quite a lot of expertise with this particular thing): she offers this sort of thing a lot. She then said she'd noticed over the years that I seem to find physical affection and contact with friends "difficult" and seem quite "repressed" and she wondered if I should explore in therapy as it made her feel I was quite cold towards people.

I'm pretty sure I'm not repressed: I am fairly extrovert, I've never really had sexual hang-ups and I don't suffer from anxiety: I'm perfectly comfortable showing physical warmth towards close friends I just have lines I don't want to cross. Does it sound as if I'm repressed? My instinct is to brush it off but it got me wondering if my reaction was abnormal in any way.

How is there room for more than ine adult in a regular sized bath?

I work in those ghastly poor-boundaried ‘creative industries’ (or rather would be if they weren’t generally pretty fucked) and I have a friend in the same profession that is very very similar to the OP’s. I’m quite enjoying not being hugged whenever I bump in to people and always found my friend’s boundaries slightly ‘off’ so I’d say we’re all different, but no, definitely not repressed OP!

I think you are vastly closer to the majority/norm than she is.

I was going to say just from the title that perhaps you are both either ends of the touchy/feely spectrum, and there is nothing wrong with each, but to be honest you sound fairly middle of the spectrum yourself - I don't really like hugging anyone outside of my family, don't like sharing a bed except with a partner (and tbh could take or leave that!) and don't kiss anyone even on cheeks, and I know people who are significantly more touch adverse than me.

She seems very extreme, I don't think I've ever met anyone who is happy to kiss their friends on their lips or share a bath with them and would honestly find it utterly bizzarre if they expected it of me!

But regardless of which of you is more normal (YOU!) she was the rude one as soon as she suggested getting therapy or that there was something wrong with you....

Urgh, I am the same.
Hate hugs and physical affection with anyone other than DP.

thevassal

Yes that was what I thought. And most people are not that touchy feely.

I think one to let go but I'm glad I'm not weird!