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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single friend at Christmas

32 replies

Archie1989 · 20/11/2020 20:17

Me, my husband and our daughter are spending Christmas where we live, to not travel to family as we usually would, due to restrictions and to protect our elderly parents. A very good friend of ours recently got divorced, and they live on their own in the same city. They’ve had a hard year, compounded by lockdown....so we said that we didn’t want them to spend Christmas Day alone, so they could come to us.

It’s since become apparent that they are not adhering to rules. They’re out at house parties all the time, and meeting people on tinder. They’re keen to come to us on Christmas Day, but we are now very nervous about it, in terms of their lax attitude to Covid. My husband is asthmatic.

How do we approach it? This person, as much as we love them, would not take it well for us to say, hey, if you’re coming to us on Christmas Day, please don’t meet so many people leading up to it. It doesn’t seem to get through that people are at risk due to those actions. At the same time, after the last few years, this person needs to be out meeting prior for their own mental health.

OP posts:
FredtheFerret · 20/11/2020 20:21

I think you need to just be honest and say kindly, I know we offered to have you for Christmas Day, and we genuinely didn't want you to be alone or lonely, but it's now become clear that you are not doing lockdown like the rest of us and so I'm afraid we'll have to withdraw the offer. I'm not prepared to put the family at risk whilst you've clearly been meeting up with a lot of people.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 20/11/2020 20:28

I don't think you can say much other than along the lines of youd love to still see them at Christmas but you know they've been socialising and you can't take the risk of being exposed to covid as your husband is vulnerable so ask them to have a think and let you know if they would prefer to self isolate for 14 days or give it a miss so they can make the most of the holiday season and you'll be fine with whatever decision they make

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 20/11/2020 20:29

Self isolate for 14 days prior to xmas day*

Scarby9 · 20/11/2020 20:29

Does the person know that you know they are not keeping to the rules?
Could you say something about Christmas only happening because of lockdown and how relieved you are because of your DH's asthma and how you couldn't risk it otherwise, maybe? Then be surprised if she said she was seeing people etc? Or is that too disingenuous and convoluted? It probably is.

Original poster
Archie1989 · 20/11/2020 20:58

I don’t think he knows I know. He did let something slip about meeting a lady on tinder at one point a while ago. He’s very good friends with me and my husband, but speaks more lad like on WhatsApp groups that my husband is in.

It’s just at the back of my mind that we say something, he doesn’t come, and after the year he’s had, he hurts himself. He’s said that his mental health was going to pot at one point, so he thought f*ck it, I’m living my life.

It feels like a situation that isn’t going to end well either way.

OP posts:
Writerandreader · 20/11/2020 21:00

Tell him a white lie. Say your husbands doctor has told him thst anyone who spends Christmas with him shld be extra careful in the 14 days prior.

katy1213 · 20/11/2020 21:03

It seems fair enough to spell it out to him, say he's welcome if he backs off from the social whirl (though I think self-isolating is a bit much!) and leave him to choose.

HotSince63 · 20/11/2020 21:17

Don't tell him a white lie. Don't tell him he needs to isolate.

He will lie right back at you about his social activities.

I couldn't tell you the exact rules of this lockdown but I know that house parties and meeting randoms off Tinder are a flat out 'no', and so does he. You've got to be really hard of understanding or have lived under a rock for the past few months to not know this.

It sounds like he's got a decent social life going on so simply tell him that you've decided on reflection, that to protect yourselves and to ensure the safety of your elderly parents you are going to spend Christmas alone as a family, FredtheFerrett text is perfect.

VetiverAndLavender · 20/11/2020 21:20

You seriously believe he can't survive Christmas on his own?! I'd hate to feel that kind of pressure over an invitation!

It may sound heartless, but I prioritise my family above my friends. If you feel it's too risky to have the friend over, I think you have no choice but to tell him your concerns and give him the choice of taking precautions or not coming for Christmas.

Tbh, I'd worry that he might pretend to cut back on the socialising just to secure his place with you for Christmas. Do you trust him to tell you truth, even if he says he'll isolate?

Calmandmeasured1 · 20/11/2020 21:21

I think you need to just be honest and say kindly, I know we offered to have you for Christmas Day, and we genuinely didn't want you to be alone or lonely, but it's now become clear that you are not doing lockdown like the rest of us and so I'm afraid we'll have to withdraw the offer. I'm not prepared to put the family at risk whilst you've clearly been meeting up with a lot of people.
This.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

Self isolate for 14 days prior to xmas day
So the OP and her DH and DC self-isolate for 14 days. How is that going to stop the friend, who is out gallivanting all the time, from infecting them?

The friend clearly isn't going to self-isolate.

VetiverAndLavender · 20/11/2020 21:25

Also if this is true:

This person, as much as we love them, would not take it well for us to say, hey, if you’re coming to us on Christmas Day, please don’t meet so many people leading up to it.

...then I think that I'd just be blunt. If he's not happy to have you tell him that his invitation is "conditional", you're better off just explaining that you've had second thoughts, now that you know that you've be "doing lockdown" differently. He might not like it, but it really doesn't sound like he's as isolated as you thought!

violetsilvergold · 20/11/2020 21:26

I think that your use of language is revealing - we didn’t want them to spend Christmas Day alone

I hope this doesn’t come across harshly but in my experience this often is the case. Families don’t actually want the trouble of an extra guest but feel they should invite them because it’s Christmas, but the wanting them there isn’t actually sincere.

I would just say that you’ve decided it’s not a good idea due to the pandemic and leave it at that. Trust me, he’ll be fine.

Original poster
Archie1989 · 21/11/2020 09:43

@violetsilvergold I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. It’s not harsh at all. If I’m honest, a part of me wanted our first family of three Christmas. It’s usually so hectic travelling quite far to see family on alternative years, that being able to sit still, do things our own way, start our own family traditions and relax does appeal to me.

OP posts:
D4rwin · 21/11/2020 09:45

Why on earth would he be lonely on Christmas then. Just tell him you're glad he's moving on and hope he enjoys his young free and single Christmas!

Original poster
Archie1989 · 21/11/2020 09:46

@HotSince63 yes. I think he might tell a white lie to us. We have been quite strict with ourselves. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen family. To make that sacrifice when this person isn’t, just makes it a bit pointless

OP posts:
Original poster
Archie1989 · 21/11/2020 09:47

@D4rwin I think lovey because he said he would just treat it like another day. He doesn’t really know the people he’s meeting, whereas we are close friends. I just imagined him sitting at home, alone, thinking about his divorce

OP posts:
Original poster
Archie1989 · 21/11/2020 09:48

Sorry @D4rwin I meant lonely, not lovey

OP posts:
RealBecca · 21/11/2020 09:55

You need to put yourselves first. If you know he won't take it well maybe tell a lie and say you've been in contact with someone who has tested positive so your isolating.

Sn0tnose · 21/11/2020 10:02

His mental health doesn’t take priority over your DH’s physical health.

I think I’d say something like ‘Hi friend, hope you’re doing ok. Just wanted to have a quick chat about you coming to us for Christmas. As you know, DH is asthmatic and catching Covid could have serious implications for him, so we’ve been super careful to not go anywhere or see friends or family because I’m not willing to risk him needing a hospital ventilator. I’m not judging you in any way, shape or form but I know that you’ve been balancing the Covid risks with the risks to your mental health and haven’t locked down to the extent that we have and, obviously, those two approaches aren’t really compatible! DH’s health comes before anything for us and I’m not willing to take any risks around it, so as much as it would be lovely to have you here for Christmas, I don’t think it’s possible this year. Hopefully, things will be better soon and we can all have a big celebration together. Love, Archie.

Nottherealslimshady · 21/11/2020 10:03

I would say ask them to isolate for 2 weeks but I imagine they'll say the will but then wont and just hide it from you.
It's not your fault, it's the consequences for not following the lockdown.
YANBU to refuse to have them in your home when they've been in close contact with lots of people.

nosswith · 21/11/2020 10:04

I think you need to withdraw the offer. Better to do it now than a few days before Christmas.

Friendsoftheearth · 21/11/2020 10:31

I think you should say you don't want to ruin the run up to christmas for him and any socialising is very risky for your dh. Maybe drinks in the garden when restrictions lift would be better than coming for christmas day. He is a grown man, with lots of dating options by the sounds of it, not someone alone and sad at christmas. Let him crack on with a new christmas date and keep the conversation light and jokey.

Friendsoftheearth · 21/11/2020 10:32

I personally would not have this person inside my home - too many layers of risk, and someone taking so little care of himself or others is a major liability.

JillofTrades · 21/11/2020 10:35

Op it just comes down to your family's health and that trumps anything.

userxx · 21/11/2020 10:40

Tell him to isolate for 14 days, job done.