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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take somebody else, not her?

41 replies

Supereager · 20/11/2020 13:17

I’m feeling a bit cheesed off and wanted to get some input on if I’m being unreasonable with my thoughts.

I recently celebrated (as much as was legally allowed) my 40th birthday. Friends and family made lots of effort and despite having to cancel all the major plans, including a big party that everyone was invited to. One of my best friends who I’ve known a very long time pretty much ignored the day. No card, no gift, just a happy birthday text. It was her big birthday last year and I made it special. Took her out. Gifts. Card. etc now I know you don’t give to receive etc and I’m not expecting little blue boxes but a card would have been nice or a cake or anything?!? I had a lovely day but this has spoilt it a bit. It’s fine. I’ll get over it but now to the AIBU. I normally pay for everything we do socially together as she’s not got a job and had to be careful. That’s cool. I do it happily as I enjoy her company. However, considering she made zero effort on my birthday I’m feeling like I don’t want to do that anymore. Months before my birthday I spent a lot of money on tickets for us to go to a show next year (Obvs if it goes ahead!) it was her idea and I got the tickets for us. She hasn’t paid for hers and I wouldn’t normally ask for it. Now I’m feeling like I don’t actually even want to go to the show and as the tickets are in my name and I paid for them and she made no effort on my birthday that I should go and just take somebody else.

AIBU?

OP posts:

CoffeeCheeseandCupcakes · 20/11/2020 13:21

If she doesn't have a job and you usually pay for her, could she genuinely not have the money to buy a gift/card? Of course there's ways to make an effort for little to no money, but if she genuinely is that strapped for cash I would probably excuse her a bit.

But at the end of the day, it's your money and your tickets. You can bring whomever you like.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/11/2020 13:21

She suggested you go to a show but expected you to pay for it? That's pretty cheeky. If you do take someone else she will more than likely ask you why, will you tell her the real reason?

Putthegasfireon · 20/11/2020 13:22

Yes, take someone else. You'll probably get some people coming and saying birthdays aren't all that, don't give to receive, she hasn't got a job and is probably really grateful etc...well, fuck that. Even if it wasn't about the money, you can show gratitude and appreciation for someone and what they do in other ways and she hasn't bothered.

Don't get taken for a mug. Take someone else.

Original poster

Supereager · 20/11/2020 13:24

I absolutely would not expect any kind of money spent on me. She bakes. I don’t know but any kind of effort would have been appreciated.

OP posts:

ZoeTurtle · 20/11/2020 13:30

Does she expect you to do these things? Big birthday treats, buying the tickets, paying for her?

I have a very similar friendship in which I pay for most things because I'm a lot more able to. My friend makes a big deal for birthdays and I don't, not because I don't love her but just because they aren't important to me. Honestly I wish she wouldn't because I feel a lot of pressure to make a big fuss on hers, and I never know how big is big enough.

If she drops hints about shows and things becuase she wants you to pay for them, you have much bigger problems than your birthday.

Original poster

Supereager · 20/11/2020 13:32

I get that some people don’t celebrate birthdays etc but she celebrated her 40th and I spent money on the event she booked and I spent time/effort. If she’d not celebrated hers then fair enough not to celebrate mine but it feels a bit like a snub to be honest. It’s possible to make effort without spending cash?

OP posts:

Original poster

Supereager · 20/11/2020 13:33

We don’t make lots of effort on normal birthdays just cards/small thoughtful gifts exchanged. We’ve done that for 20 years. But this was my 40th and she made no effort at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Supereager · 20/11/2020 13:34

It is what it is and I’m not going to confront it but I want to know what people think I should do about the ticket

OP posts:

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 20/11/2020 13:36

Take a different friend or sell the tickets and treat yourself. Please don’t spend anymore money on her, she sounds like a CF. Did she even ring you?

HotSince63 · 20/11/2020 13:38

These posts always go the same way... You're going to get loads of posts about how she probably can't even afford a card, or the cost of postage, or some other such nonsense. And the usual birthday-bashers who think that anyone over the age of about 10 has got a damn cheek to even expect to receive a happy birthday text.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, YANBU.

The fact that she knows she can't afford to do things like go to a show next year, but mentions it to you expecting and knowing you'll get the tickets and pay for her, tells me she's taking the piss and has become a bit of a user.

Take someone else and stop letting her mug you off.

Original poster

Supereager · 20/11/2020 13:39

No she didn’t call me. I think after this, the friendship has probably had its day to be honest

OP posts:

ZoeTurtle · 20/11/2020 13:40

Supereager Yes, but did she expect you to spend all that time and effort on her birthday? It seems very unlikely if you haven't had fussy birthdays in 20 years, including your 30ths. Having someone make that big of a deal over my birthday makes me very uncomfortable.

Liveandforget · 20/11/2020 13:44

Seems she feels entitled to you spending on her. Over time people like this become jealous and resentful, I'm willing to bet that's what happened here. She's jealous of you and resents the attention she knew you'd be getting on your birthday from others so snubbed it. She's no friend to you.

iano · 20/11/2020 13:51

Sending a card or calling someone is not making a 'big deal'
It requires hardly any effort. Yanbu OP.
You could raise it with her or you could just take someone else/sell the tickets. I think it depends on whether you want to keep her as a friend.

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 20/11/2020 13:53

sounds it OP. You can do better than someone who is clearly using you. Job or no job, I’m sure she could of afforded a 99 pence card.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 20/11/2020 13:53

Yeah she could have done something for your birthday. Even a home made card with some kind of IOU for activities like babysitting or something that she could do for you at little or no cost after covid.

I am not sure about the concert though. It will probably end your friendship and if I was her and had a valid reason for not making a fuss on your birthday (she may have) I'd be pissed off at you doing something passive aggressive instead of talking to me about it.

If you are taking someone else you at least need to tell her in advance rather than just let her down at the last minute, and tell her why, or give her the chance to pay for it. I think her reaction if you speak to her will tell you whether this friendship is over or not.

I think it's nice that you've been paying for her but I think it's off that she expects it

AryaStarkWolf · 20/11/2020 13:55

@Supereager

It is what it is and I’m not going to confront it but I want to know what people think I should do about the ticket

If she asks you why she isn't going will you tell her the truth?

Livpool · 20/11/2020 14:00

She is a CF - a nice cupcake and a card would have been appreciated. And cheap. And not even a phone call. She sounds rude. I wouldn't be taking her anywhere

Oreservoir · 20/11/2020 14:01

The problem with these sorts of friends is eventually they take it for granted that you are the cash cow.
I’d distance myself from someone who could happily take but made no effort to give. Just a card and a homemade cake would’ve been something.

TurquoiseDragon · 20/11/2020 14:08

@Oreservoir

The problem with these sorts of friends is eventually they take it for granted that you are the cash cow. I’d distance myself from someone who could happily take but made no effort to give. Just a card and a homemade cake would’ve been something.

This.

Many years ago, when I was briefly unemployed, I still managed to bake cakes and give cards for birthdays.

I'd cool the friendship, now. She didn't bother to even call.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 20/11/2020 14:09

YANBU she had no time to call you and couldn’t afford less than £1 for a card from card factory? Nah, time to cut her loose. I recently binned off a friend who wanted a world of effort from me but wouldn’t give it back. I haven’t looked back

the80sweregreat · 20/11/2020 14:36

Take someone else to the gig ( I hope it can go ahead for you) and bin this friendship off. A card can be bought for around 2 to 3 pounds and she could have brought it round , so no stamp money required. She obviously hasn't made any effort but she remembered it was your birthday to send a text! She hasn't offered a penny towards the price of this ticket ( which probably isn't cheap, I bet) and would probably expect you to pay the train fare to get there as well!
I know it's an anti normal mumsnet answers , but you've every right to feel fed up about this treatment.
Not offering any money for the ticket would really annoy me more than not getting a card I think. A real CF.

TwoleftUggs · 20/11/2020 14:47

Take somebody else. She didn’t even send you a card! My DD and several of her friends had lockdown birthdays this year. I loved how creative some of them were, despite the usual gifts of choice not being available. Some made personalised cards with little paper photos stuck on, some baked her cakes, she herself painted vinyls and made cards for other birthdays. There’s a lot you can still do with a little effort and no money for people you care about. Your friend has made no effort at all.

OneLinePlease · 20/11/2020 15:03

YANBU

Not everyone who forgets birthdays are arseholes. And there's reasons why.

But in this instance.

Let's pretend she couldn't even afford a card. Or maybe has ADHD and forgot on the day.

Even with those examples being real she could still text/call within a reasonable period and make some nice chat and listen about how your birthday went and make plans for a future one.

She doesn't deserve your generosity or the ticket. If you can sell it then I think do so. If she asks say you needed the cash for something else.

jacks11 · 20/11/2020 15:13

If you don’t want to take her, then don’t- take someone who you will enjoy spending time with.

I agree she could have done more and seems like she is rather taking you for granted. The only excuse could be if there is something else going on for her- for instance, if she was struggling with lockdown (I don’t mean financially) then she might have something of an excuse for not being as thoughtful or effusive as she might otherwise have been. Obviously, I have no idea if this is the case or whether she is generally a bit thoughtless and self-centred.

Do you get anything out of the friendship usually? If so, then I think cutting off a long friendship over this single incident might be a bit like cutting your nose off to spite your face. If you feel that she is just using you or you are doing all the running/supporting/giving, then it may be for the best to let the friendship drift.

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