to take somebody else, not her?

[Supereager]

I’m feeling a bit cheesed off and wanted to get some input on if I’m being unreasonable with my thoughts.

I recently celebrated (as much as was legally allowed) my 40th birthday. Friends and family made lots of effort and despite having to cancel all the major plans, including a big party that everyone was invited to. One of my best friends who I’ve known a very long time pretty much ignored the day. No card, no gift, just a happy birthday text. It was her big birthday last year and I made it special. Took her out. Gifts. Card. etc now I know you don’t give to receive etc and I’m not expecting little blue boxes but a card would have been nice or a cake or anything?!? I had a lovely day but this has spoilt it a bit. It’s fine. I’ll get over it but now to the AIBU. I normally pay for everything we do socially together as she’s not got a job and had to be careful. That’s cool. I do it happily as I enjoy her company. However, considering she made zero effort on my birthday I’m feeling like I don’t want to do that anymore. Months before my birthday I spent a lot of money on tickets for us to go to a show next year (Obvs if it goes ahead!) it was her idea and I got the tickets for us. She hasn’t paid for hers and I wouldn’t normally ask for it. Now I’m feeling like I don’t actually even want to go to the show and as the tickets are in my name and I paid for them and she made no effort on my birthday that I should go and just take somebody else.

AIBU?

Yanbu about the tickets. That was cheeky expecting you to pay.

However, there is a possibility yabvu about the message. It sounds like you always do something and this is out of a character. Is she ok?

Clutching at straws but could she have posted you something that hasn't arrived yet? Seems odd that for the last 20 years you have always exchanged small gifts/cards and she did nothing at all for this year. Have you spoken to her since? Did she ask if you'd had a nice day?

I do think she sounds like a CF for expecting you to take her to the show next year but not to make any effort at all sounds like something is wrong. I'd probably have to mention it. I'd just say something like 'I was a bit hurt I didn't get a card from you for my 40th' if she mentions it and take it from there. It's not like she can say she didn't think you weren't doing cards anymore or anything.

I'd give her a chance to explain herself and then decide to cool the friendship. And yes, definitely take someone else to the show!

I do loathe these selfish self centred tight arsed people that happy suck up all the kindness and generosity of others ... birthdays Christmas etc ...

until it comes to 'giving' to these same kind generous types.. who are always too polite to say anything...

TWATS

Take someone else OP .. someone worthy 🌺

@HotSince63

These posts always go the same way... You're going to get loads of posts about how she probably can't even afford a card, or the cost of postage, or some other such nonsense. And the usual birthday-bashers who think that anyone over the age of about 10 has got a damn cheek to even expect to receive a happy birthday text.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, YANBU.

The fact that she knows she can't afford to do things like go to a show next year, but mentions it to you expecting and knowing you'll get the tickets and pay for her, tells me she's taking the piss and has become a bit of a user.

Take someone else and stop letting her mug you off.

I agree with this.

The fact she suggested that show, knowing you would pay for it shows she's a user. I would definitely take someone else and I wouldn't make a huge effort to get in touch now, either.

It's a very uneven friendship if only one person pays for everything. Does she regularly suggest things you can do together, in the knowledge you'll pay?

Does she have a family? Why doesn't she work?

She’s just in it for what she can get. She could have got a card and baked a cake, called you. Selfish cow. Sell the tickets or go with someone else. Don’t contact her, see if and when she calls you.

YANBU. She has got very comfortable. It's good you've seen her true colours so don't waste any more money on her.

This reminds me of the OP who used to pay for her friend and her kids' lunch/treats on every playdate.

God no, take someone else, cheeky cow.

She could have done something. It does seem like the relationship is too one-sided if one pays for everything.

They're your tickets that you paid for, so of course you can take anyone you like. Just be aware that if she's the one who brought the event to your attention, she's not likely to forget about it. There may be awkward conversations when she asks about arrangements closer to the date. If you're prepared to tell her that you've decided to take someone else, fair enough. Alternatively, could you sell the tickets on and tell her you wanted the money for something else or had decided against going?

She sounds like a free loading cunt.

Give the ticket to someone else who loves and appreciates you.

I don't agree on this particular point

I get that some people don’t celebrate birthdays etc but she celebrated her 40th and I spent money on the event she booked and I spent time/effort. If she’d not celebrated hers then fair enough not to celebrate mine but it feels a bit like a snub to be honest. It’s possible to make effort without spending cash?

What you are saying here, is that you went to the party / celebration event she booked to celebrate her birthday, and, as etiquette suggests, you took a gift, as you had been invited to a celebration. Now, due to COVID, you haven't yet been able to book a party / event. So it is quite reasonable for her not to have brought you a gift / made a fuss, as neither of you have done for each others birthdays for 20 years.

I was due to go to a 40th in May. Obviously I would have taken a gift (I don't normally send cards or gifts to this person, but I would have, as she was having a party and she invited me). Obviously it didn't go ahead, and there was various chatter about having a "41st" next year, or "just telling everyone she was going to stay 39 until she could have a party" etc. So, when she does have her celebration, if I am invited, I will take her a gift. I didn't go round on her birthday as I normally wouldn't.

Re the tickets - I can't imagine having an ongoing arrangement where one person continually sponged off another, tbh. I like to think that, for a good friend, as a one off in particular circumstances, if I could afford to, I'd treat them to an event, but as an ongoing thing, it is just odd. So I don't think it would be unreasonable to not treat her to this big event, but I wouldn't link that to not getting you something on your birthday when you haven't (for reasons beyond your control) yet invited her to anything.

Now, due to COVID, you haven't yet been able to book a party / event. So it is quite reasonable for her not to have brought you a gift / made a fuss

Royal Mail is working fine....

If there was no money at all, couldn’t she have called you? A text is the amount of effort I’d make for a colleague/distant friend’s non special birthday.

Take someone else x

Royal Mail is working fine....

True, and no doubt she could have used that if she wanted to, but OP specifically said "We don't usually make lots of effort for birthdays".
There's nothing wrong with posting presents if presents are a big thing to you, but equally, there's nothing wrong with not posting presents, when that generally isn't a 'thing' between two friends. Neither is right or wrong, but what I'm reading here is that, between OP and her friend, there is only a history of giving a nice gift when there is a party. So, it isn't unreasonable for the friend to be expecting to bring "the gift" to the party / event which will be held when such things can happen again - that might be her "41st" or might be a nice event in the Summer, or whenever.