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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me honestly if IABU?

49 replies

allaboutfifa · 20/11/2020 12:59

I'd like to know if IABU here or not.
My DP moved in just over a year ago, he is kind, caring and generous but he is ridiculously untidy. I'm the opposite and it's got to the point where I don't know if I'm being picky or if I have a point. I'm aware I'm probably a little ocd in my ways.

I spend most of my time cleaning, tidying up and doing all most of all the household chores.
He works hard and has a stressful job which I appreciate. I work part time but take on the mental load of everything that needs doing. He is WFH at the moment and it's making this situation worse. We have 2 teens who aren't the most forthcoming with help.

I have brought this up many times with them all but I feel like it falls on deaf ears. DP gets things out and never puts them away, there's random stuff all over the place. Any spare surface he will pile with stuff he can't be arsed to tidy away. Wet towels get left on the bedroom floor, his files for work are all over the living room, clothes left all over his side of the bedroom and that's just a few examples.

I have anxiety and mess and clutter makes me feel anxious. I can't settle in a disorganised house. It really is beginning to get me down to the point that at the minute I just permanently feel annoyed with him. There are half done jobs all over the house. And now he's on about starting another project in the house before even finishing the other stuff that needs to be done.

If you made it this far Thankyou for reading I didn't mean for this to be an essay.

OP posts:
LittleGwyneth · 20/11/2020 13:30

I think you need to have a free and frank conversation about just how much this is bothering you - it's easy to brush someone else's complaints off as nagging but this is clearly really bothering you. I imagine he isn't aware how real this problem is for you.

As a side note, OCD is a mental health issue, not a tendency towards being tidy. It's best not to use it as a shorthand for liking things neat.

Lightsontbut · 20/11/2020 13:39

I think you can't expect him to meet your exacting standards so you need to give a little, but so does he and from what you're saying he is not trying to meet in the middle at all.

GoldfishParade · 20/11/2020 13:44

I always think it's weird that the onus is on the untidy one to change

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2020 13:46

I couldn’t fancy a man who left a wet towel on yue bathroom floor. I’m not as fussy about mess as you are but that sort of thing would drive me to murder. I assume he wouldn’t use it again for his next shower so what he’s saying is he’s too good to pick it up but you’re not and he’ll leave it for you. That’s fucking rude.

Maybe you should go back to living apart.

Whose are the teens?

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2020 13:47

I could not live like that either op. It would drive me bonkers. Leaving your wet towel on the bed floor is just bloody lazy. I think you need to talk to him.

sophandbridge · 20/11/2020 13:50

I couldn’t fancy a man who left a wet towel on yue bathroom floor. I’m not as fussy about mess as you are but that sort of thing would drive me to murder

Do you not think your reaction is excessive if it would annoy you that much? It's a towel not a pile of shit.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/11/2020 13:50

No he's totally out of order as are the two teens btw, they're plenty old enough to clean up after themselves and contribute to the general cleaning/tidying too. Don't let them all treat you like the hired help

GoldfishParade · 20/11/2020 13:51

@sophandbridge
😂😂😂

knittingaddict · 20/11/2020 13:53

@GoldfishParade

I always think it's weird that the onus is on the untidy one to change
Do you? Why is that then?

It's disrespectful to now tidy up after yourself in a shared house. If you want to be a messy slob go and live in your own house, alone or with some one equally messy.

knittingaddict · 20/11/2020 13:54

to not tidy

HotSince63 · 20/11/2020 13:54

This is exactly the point of living together for a short while rather than doing something silly like jumping straight in to buying a house together.

You've discovered you simply aren't compatible. You've tried to discuss this with him many times, and have said yourself that it's fallen on deaf ears. He's not prepared to even try and meet you halfway.

Save yourself another few years of anxiety and 'nagging' which will lead to resentment, which will lead to you splitting up anyway.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2020 13:55

@sophandbridge

I couldn’t fancy a man who left a wet towel on yue bathroom floor. I’m not as fussy about mess as you are but that sort of thing would drive me to murder

Do you not think your reaction is excessive if it would annoy you that much? It's a towel not a pile of shit.

No I don’t. It’s not the towel so much as the motivation to do it. It’s lazy, disrespectful and shows how little he thinks of the OP. I wouldn’t shag anyone who behaved like that. But we’ve all got different standards haven’t we.
ZoeTurtle · 20/11/2020 13:57

He isn't going to change. You have to decide what you want more, him or a tidy house, because it's very unlikely you can have both.

steppemum · 20/11/2020 13:57

I would find it hard.
I think it is exacerbated by WFH, lockdown etc, but you do need to address it.

But there needs to be give on both sides. Dh is less tidy than me. We have some systems worked out. eg he loves newspapers and having a stack of them to read. I hate them all over the place, so we have a basket for them. He can chuck them in easily, still has his papers and the room is tidy enough.
He does have a study which contains a lot of his stuff which helps.
But finding immediately workable clear up strategies helps. If everyone leaves their shoes by the door, putting a shoe rack there is more likely to work than making them take them upstairs for example.

You will need to deal with less tidiness and he will need to be more tidy.
We have some house rules. All mugs and plates in kitchen before bed. At the end of the evening we straighten up cushions and pick up jumpers/shoes etc so as we leave the living room we leave it in a reasonable state.

But things like wet towel - that is what I am nagging my teens about, not my husband. In fact he (the less tidy one) nags them about it.

Omeara · 20/11/2020 13:58

Not picking up wet towels is unacceptable but some people are just tidier than others.

I like everything neat and tidy but my best friend likes living with clutter and stuff everywhere.

There’s middle ground to find. You can’t expect others to be as bothered as you are.

knittingaddict · 20/11/2020 13:58

The op has said that she has anxiety and that this is causing her stress. I wonder if having to live in a tidy house would stress the messy man or would he only be stressed if he had to do some of the work? I bet he wouldn't feel stressed if the op did all the clearing up, oh no. It's the same old story, isn't it.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/11/2020 13:59

@GoldfishParade

I always think it's weird that the onus is on the untidy one to change
Why? You think the tidy one should start living in a pig sty instead? It's not saying he should become the tidiest person around but picking up after yourself when living in shared spaces is just basic courtesy, surely?
HotSince63 · 20/11/2020 14:00

I truly believe there's a direct correlation between people who leave wet towels on the floor and people that leave skid marks in the toilet and in their underwear. Anyone I've lived with or house shared with that does the former has always also done the latter They've been generally dirty slobs.

LilaButterfly · 20/11/2020 14:01

Its hard to say who is unreasonable tbh. It sounds like you 2 just arent compatible in this regard.
Im like you. I hate living in a mess and it would drive me crazy. Luckily DH is even worse than me and picks up after himself and us when needed.

I think you need to have a talk about it and tell him how you feel and see if you can both compromise. Maybe tell him you worst pet peeves and he tries to fix that and you overlook the rest.

steppemum · 20/11/2020 14:04

and I agree with PP. The wet towel - who is going to pick it up?

There is an underlying narrative here. Either OP picks it up, or he finds it later and it smells musty from being wet in a heap, so chucks it in the wash, and OP does the washing.

In the end, the message he is giving is that OP is supposed to sort the clean towel problem, it is not for him to sort, and she can do it.
It is an attitude towards your partner that puts them in the place of subservience, and they do it without thinking. It is not about the towel, it is about the lack of thought behind the towel.

There was a great blog post a while ago called - My wife left me because I left a cup in the sink. Exactly about this.

flaviaritt · 20/11/2020 14:07

Keeping communal spaces in a home tidy is the considerate and fair thing to do. It’s not okay to just go “Fuck you, I like mess.” No. Because it’s not like a tidy home is going to make him feel overwhelmed.

I would talk to him about how the ongoing chaos makes you feel and ask him to improve.

KittenCalledBob · 20/11/2020 14:07

I'm not a tidy person but wet towels on the floor would drive me mad. You are not overreacting OP.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 20/11/2020 14:15

Everyone has different standards OP. And it's all about compromise. For instance we only hoover about once every 10 days and tidy every few days, and I know a lot of people wouldn't be able to cope with that.

But I think while general daily living does create mess, on most measures your partner would be at one end of the extreme. If everyone left everything they touched in the kitchen or bathroom out, it would soon become actually unlivable. If my 5 year old drops something on the floor I tell her to pick it up, and I expect my 3 year old to put empty wrappers and packets in the bin. I also get cross when they dirty something through lack of care and try and make them realise that it's not fair to create an extra job for me in cleaning it, and try to get them involved in cleaning the mess they've made. It sounds like he cant even do that.

What was his place like before he moved in with you? Did he leave wet towels on the floor and then use it the next day straight from the floor? Did he get butter and jam out for breakfast and then add with another couple of jars from lunch and then dinner until he could no longer see the work surfaces? If so then he is just generally a slob, you will have to agree some house rules and compromise and get used to a level of dirt.

If he wasn't that much of a slob before he moved in then that's a different conversation as it's a lack of respect and he is expecting you to clean up after him because you're a woman.

Either way you cant live like this and I don't think your teens can as well, no way they will tidy up after themselves if they see he isnt bothered about it.

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 20/11/2020 14:16

I don’t think it’s much to ask that he picks up towels and doesn’t leave clothes everywhere
To be honest I’d be tempted to just bin bag everything up and bin it but that’s wasteful and probably not the best idea. Altho maybe you could do that but not bin it to make a point.
I would however not be washing anything left of the floor and hope he’d get the message when he has a wet towel and no clean clothes.
If after a frank conversation he won’t make any changes I’d wouldn’t be waiting around as I couldn’t live in a messy house with someone who can’t be bothered with basic tidy ness

Calmandmeasured1 · 20/11/2020 14:32

YADNBU.

That would irritate me beyond measure and I just couldn't live with someone like that. Why leave a wet towel on the floor? It isn't a hotel where you let housekeeping know it needs washing.

Have you asked him why he leaves everything out? Does he have mental health issues or is he just lazy and treats you like a general dogsbody.
There is a reason behind the saying a tidy house, a tidy mind'.

Did you have no idea what his behaviour was like before he moved in with you?

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