Please tell me honestly if IABU?

[allaboutfifa]

I'd like to know if IABU here or not.
My DP moved in just over a year ago, he is kind, caring and generous but he is ridiculously untidy. I'm the opposite and it's got to the point where I don't know if I'm being picky or if I have a point. I'm aware I'm probably a little ocd in my ways.

I spend most of my time cleaning, tidying up and doing all most of all the household chores.
He works hard and has a stressful job which I appreciate. I work part time but take on the mental load of everything that needs doing. He is WFH at the moment and it's making this situation worse. We have 2 teens who aren't the most forthcoming with help.

I have brought this up many times with them all but I feel like it falls on deaf ears. DP gets things out and never puts them away, there's random stuff all over the place. Any spare surface he will pile with stuff he can't be arsed to tidy away. Wet towels get left on the bedroom floor, his files for work are all over the living room, clothes left all over his side of the bedroom and that's just a few examples.

I have anxiety and mess and clutter makes me feel anxious. I can't settle in a disorganised house. It really is beginning to get me down to the point that at the minute I just permanently feel annoyed with him. There are half done jobs all over the house. And now he's on about starting another project in the house before even finishing the other stuff that needs to be done.

If you made it this far Thankyou for reading I didn't mean for this to be an essay.

Without wanting to sound horrendously sexist all the issues you have pointed out are typical "man" behaviours 🤣🤣

Thankyou all for your replies. I can see both sides. To the person who asked why the messy person should change - I've let some things slip that I normally wouldn't and I am trying to be less neat all of the time.

He is just completely disorganised and it's like he can't organise himself. He's actually making a conscious effort to not leave his wet towel on my side of the bedroom floor for me to walk over after I started putting the towel on his pillow. The teens are actually less hard work than he is.

He didn't have his own place before moving in here he lived with his folks. Which I guess means everything g was done for him. I just feel like everyone's mum all the time.

He asked me earlier what is wrong but I don't even want to talk to him about it. I feel like a broken record. I'm just left to tidy, clean and pick up after him all the time. I just constantly feel annoyed especially when I've cleaned the kitchen for instance and he knows I've done it then he will go in there and just leave random crap like an empty wrapper or a tea bag on the side instead of putting it in the bin as he walks past it. I guess in a nutshell I just feel 'put on' all the time.

If he moved in a year ago, I guess he can move right out again.

He's actually making a conscious effort to not leave his wet towel on my side of the bedroom floor for me to walk over

It's quite sad that the best defence of him you can come up with is that he's "making a conscious effort" to leave a wet towel on a different side of the room.

Seriously??

You are not compatible

@HotSince63

He's actually making a conscious effort to not leave his wet towel on my side of the bedroom floor for me to walk over

It's quite sad that the best defence of him you can come up with is that he's "making a conscious effort" to leave a wet towel on a different side of the room.

Seriously??

They're his words not mine! And he has stopped doing it...for now but that's just one example of a lot of other things I could list

Sorry but this would drive me to murder. He sounds like a messy slob with no respect for you. Equally, the kids should be pulling their weight as well. You're not their housemaid.

You're just not compatible living companions. Time for him to move out.

I say this as the messy one in my relationship. I changed because it annoyed my husband, and because I actually like and respect him too much to want him to tidy up after me.

He isn’t just untidy. He is a selfish, disrespectful, inconsiderate slob who is treating you like a housekeeper, not a partner. You need to tell him this.

You need to have a proper talk about this, and he has to be made to understand how selfish he is being and how upset and angry his behaviour is making you. You both have to find a workable compromise, because he is never going to be super-tidy and no amount of nagging is going to change that.

Good luck.

I agree with others that you’re not compatible. I’m probably a lot like your DP. I leave things lying around and then move them in my own time. I live alone so it’s fine. But if someone moved in and was constantly on at me to pick everything up instantly, I’d end up feeling really annoyed. Problem is you get fed up and pick up everything he’s dropped so he never gets round to doing it because it’s already done. If I were him in that situation I would carry on and think well if they want to be constantly cleaning it’s up to them! He’s not bothered by it. That’s what you have to realise.

Rather than wasting your time trying to change him, you need to sit down and have an honest talk. Be clear you can’t live like this and if it can’t be resolved it’s better to live apart. Maybe that talk could lead to changes you could both implement in order to live together. Or you might decide as a couple that living together isn’t right for you at the moment.

He sounds like a messy disrespectful teenager , which is fine if you were the same but you're not. He leaves things lying around because he knows you will move them and also because the mess just doesn't bother him . But it bothers you and the longer it goes on you will really start resenting him . Have a serious chat with him tonight , tell him you have let your standards slip so he needs to up his .

I always think it's weird that the onus is on the untidy one to change

What a ridiculous response 😂

@HotSince63

This is exactly the point of living together for a short while rather than doing something silly like jumping straight in to buying a house together.

You've discovered you simply aren't compatible. You've tried to discuss this with him many times, and have said yourself that it's fallen on deaf ears. He's not prepared to even try and meet you halfway.

Save yourself another few years of anxiety and 'nagging' which will lead to resentment, which will lead to you splitting up anyway.

Completely agree with this.

Just because you moved in together, it doesn't mean you have to stay together forever. You tried it, haven't liked it and so you can change where you live now. If you want to, you can carry on the relationship, but he's not the one for a live-in relationship. He's like a teenager himself, isn't he?

It's made even easier for the OP that he moved in with her from living with his parents. Very easy for him to move back out again, in fact he could be gone by the end of the day tomorrow!

Presumably all of the furniture, crockery, cutlery, etc belongs to the OP...

Just think @allaboutfifa, by this time on Sunday he could have packed his suitcase and moved back in with the other woman in his life who is willing to pick up and clean up after him - his mummy - and you could have restored order in your own home and never have to pick up one of his fusty towels or clean his skid marks off the loo ever again. Sounds good eh!!

No I don’t. It’s not the towel so much as the motivation to do it. It’s lazy, disrespectful and shows how little he thinks of the OP. I wouldn’t shag anyone who behaved like that. But we’ve all got different standards haven’t we.

I agree @AnneLovesGilbert

I'm a bit confused about the teens - are they yours? Or his? Because they should also be contributing.

I'm not sure I could get too worked up about a wrapper being on the counter or a used teabag. I like a tidy kitchen myself and it drives me crazy that DH will leave piles of mugs/plates in and next to the sink rather than putting them in the dishwasher (he WILL put them in the dishwasher, it's just that he sees loading the dishwasher as a specific task. So he piles everything up then would prefer t come along once or twice a day and load it. While I see a key benefit of the dishwasher being that I don't have to see dirty cups and plates all over the kitchen).

However, if DH made a cup of tea and left a teabag out I definitely would not be getting worked up about that. having said that, I'm assuming these are just small examples of the many many you experience.

The clothes everywhere is not fair. And as someone who is messier that DH on this, I think I have the right to say that. I try really hard but admit that sometimes that's just bundling things into the cupboard.. I also now have a hook on the back of the bathroom door where I can put things. SIL has a wicker basket type thing where she just picks up all her DH's stuff and tosses it in there if it's scattered across the bedroom. It's his problem to sort it, put it in the laundry/put away etc. But at least she doesn't have to see it. Could options like that work for you?

Towels on bathroom floor is totally unacceptable and I'd go back to putting it on his pillow every single time it happens.

The issue is whether he sees he's untidy and apparently wants to be better but isn't - in which case, specific tools can and should be put in place.

But if he just doesn't think it's a problem, then you have a basic incompatibility problem.

The thing is that he moved into your home and has treated it in a very very disrespectful way. Why would you want to put up with that?

As a PP mentioned, have a read of this and ask your DP to read it too...

www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

It's not the actions themselves, it's the fact that doing these small things are important to your partner and as your partner is important they're therefore worth doing. I remind myself of this when my DH nags me about leaving the tap dripping, I barely notice but it bothers him so because I care about him, I take the time to make sure the tap isn't dripping.

GoldfishParade
I always think it's weird that the onus is on the untidy one to change

So who do you expect to pick up towels, do laundry, empty bins etc? The laundry fairies? Slobs are slobs but someone has to bloody well clean up after them, just saying the tidy person should start ignoring the filth is beyond ridiculous.

I've tried leaving things on purpose but it just mounts up then I'm left with the mammoth task of getting back on top of things while feeling even more annoyed that it really is just up to me 24/7.

Those asking about the teens we have one each. They do actually try and are normal teens that need a gentle nudge every now and then. It's got to the point where I think I can't be having a go at them for leaving laundry on the floor and dishes in their room when DP is doing the same. How can I reinforce it if he can't even do it?

This thread has given me a lot of food for thought and I might bring it up again but I fear I'll just be talking to myself.

@TiredThursday

As a PP mentioned, have a read of this and ask your DP to read it too...

www.google.com/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

It's not the actions themselves, it's the fact that doing these small things are important to your partner and as your partner is important they're therefore worth doing. I remind myself of this when my DH nags me about leaving the tap dripping, I barely notice but it bothers him so because I care about him, I take the time to make sure the tap isn't dripping.

I will be sending that for him to have a read of. Because that is exactly it!!

He won't change. Untidy people, of that extent, just can't see the mess. With all the will in the world and all the discussions, he will always be messy.

Op he is who he is, you can go through life constantly nagging him

Except him or move on I'm afraid

There's two elements here:

The OP's "standards " and whether they are excessive, and the DP's respect for her.

I have a relatively high threshold for mess and I wouldn't go around constantly wiping surfaces down etc. But if you're living together he shouldn't expect you to pick up after him and there should be an expectation that he pulls his weight. The wet towel on the bathroom floor, for example. It's just direspectful.

Does he do other kinds of domestic work? Or does he expect you to do everything.

I think you need to sit him down and say that he needs to meet you half way on the housework front, but perhaps be prepared to give a bit in terms of tidiness levels. There's a big gap between not leaving a wet towel on the kitchen floor and expecting every surface to be wiped as soon as its used.