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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with dp over this.

40 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 20/11/2020 12:34

I have a 13 year old dd who is currently being assessed for autism, he has severe anxiety and doesn't go to school apart from me taking him down to the school everyday where we meet his support teacher outside for 5 minutes to get some school work and a chat.

I work a Friday afternoon, my do works full time as a gardener on an estate. Normally my dd would go to his older sister's house while I am at work but because of a large number of covid cases at my dd's school my other dd doesn't want to look after her brother, which is totally understandable as her do has me and has had pneumonia and pleurisy in the last couple of years.

I managed to rearrange my work last week but I can't this week. I asked my dp if he could take the afternoon off and he got angry with me and said our ds will be fine on his own, knowing full well that dd hates being left alone. My dp can normally take time off without much notice for various things that he seems important so taking the time off is possible for him.
So aibu to expect him to look after his own child in these circumstances?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 20/11/2020 12:37

Of course you're not BU

lilybetsy · 20/11/2020 12:39

your post is very confusing. Is it a DS or a DD ? not that it matters. YAB a bit U expecting him to take an afternoon off at very short notice ...

FippertyGibbett · 20/11/2020 12:39

Of course he should look after his own child, but from being on MN I see that many men can’t be arsed to do so.

Ohalrightthen · 20/11/2020 12:41

I think youre very unreasonable to expect your DP to be able to just bail on work last minute.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 20/11/2020 13:02

Well it's either me or him that needs to take the time off. I already said that I had to do it last time, I lost pay and it affects my absence rate. My dp doesn't lose any money and it doesn't affect his work like it does mine.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 20/11/2020 13:06

I don't think ether of you are being unreasonable but you both need to sort out your work commitments.

You can't rely on somebody else to have your child at the moment so you need to look at a more permanent solution.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't be able to just take a half day off at short notice, regardless of if it affects my pay or not. It affects my reliability and that work needs to get completed somehow so would put pressure on me when I returned.

Ohalrightthen · 20/11/2020 13:26

Can't your kid go with your DP if he works outdoors?

JackAndJillsBucket · 20/11/2020 13:32

neither of you are right or wrong, but it's poor planning to not have already thought about this - you can't expect your DH to bail on work at the last minute for this type of thing. you need more robust plans in place.

at 13 years old despite the situation, can he not be left alone? Or go with DH as a one off (genuine question, it depends on the risks?) do you DH and you agree on the level of risk?

i can't figure out from your post whether you are being unreasonable or not - it could be either, depending on the risk/safety/ability to leave him alone.

but you ARE being unreasonable to expect DH to just miss work, that's not ok unless an emergency, surely?

JackAndJillsBucket · 20/11/2020 13:33

also "My dp doesn't lose any money".. what does this mean?
does he have the option of making up the time another day?

(unpaid emergency parental leave is unpaid at any employer i've worked at, due to the nature of the role, our service users can access the service between certain hours.. there's no option to just, say, catch up on a saturday)

BatmanBaby · 20/11/2020 13:34

I agree, at 13 can they not just stay at home this time? Is it a case of they don't like it, or that it is dangerous to leave them home alone? If it's just that they don't like it...well that's life, there will be plenty of things in the future that they may not like but will have to deal with.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 20/11/2020 18:30

Batmanbaby did you not see where I said that my son is very likely autistic and has severe anxiety that can cause meltdowns if he gets too stressed. So, it's not a case of if he doesn't like it then that's just life. Life for my ds is stressful and frightening. He doesn't behave like other 13 year olds. I assume you and another poster has no experience of anxiety and asd in children.

My dp doesn't lose money, he takes it as holiday. As I already stated he has no qualms about taking the occasional afternoon off if it suits him.

JackandJillsBucket we have had it planned my older dd has been looking after my ds up until now, but as I explained, she told me that she couldn't take him for me today because of the fact that there has been a large number of covid cases at my 17 year old dd's school and she's worried about her do who is vulnerable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 20/11/2020 18:32

*dp

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 20/11/2020 18:35

YANBU

Calcifer12 · 20/11/2020 18:38

Is he their father?

LittleMissLockdown · 20/11/2020 18:40

@Calcifer12

Is he their father?
That was my first thought, it doesn't sound like it from the way the OP writes.
Aloethere · 20/11/2020 18:45

That was my first thought, it doesn't sound like it from the way the OP writes.

This is what the Op said So aibu to expect him to look after his own child in these circumstances?
What about this writing doesn't make it clear that he is his dad Confused

I think both parents should pitch in. You took last week off it is his turn. To get angry at the suggestion he looks after his own child is of course unreasonable.

LittleMissLockdown · 20/11/2020 18:48

This is what the Op said So aibu to expect him to look after his own child in these circumstances?
What about this writing doesn't make it clear that he is his dad confused

Appologies, I must have skimmed that part. In fairness it was the excessive use of the word my when describing any of the children that made me wonder.

cuddlymunchkin · 20/11/2020 18:54

You've made up your mind already. Why are you asking us? FWIW I agree with your partner.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 20/11/2020 19:00

Tell him to take the child to work with him. He's a gardener, he might enjoy it.

LittleMissLockdown · 20/11/2020 19:05

@FedUpAtHomeTroels

Tell him to take the child to work with him. He's a gardener, he might enjoy it.
I don't think he can go with his Dad to work, even though he is as a gardener it sounds like he's still an employee. I doubt many would be happy with their employees bringing their child as he would be a distraction.

I really do think the OP and her DP need to work on a long term plan, taking every friday off is not a good long term plan and it sounds like this situation won't be changing soon.

CharlotteRose90 · 20/11/2020 19:33

I was about to say why don’t you take the time off for your ds until your bit about dp being a gardener. Can he take ds to work with him but ds sits in the car or van? That would work and be an option. This year has been shit on all of us and comprises need to be made on both sides.

Kalula · 20/11/2020 19:35

Your post is very confusing, I can't work out who you are talking about or referring to, even in your first sentence you write "I have a 13 year old dd who is currently being assessed for autism, he has severe anxiety", and again you refer to 'him' as dd, (when it would be ds) "Normally my dd would go to his older sister's house" so is it a 13 year old daughter, or 13 year old son?

Bessica1970 · 20/11/2020 19:43

If your DS has got to 13 and still doesn’t have a diagnosis that would suggest his asd isn’t so severe he couldn’t stay alone for an afternoon. I would give him a choice, go to school for the afternoon or stay home alone!

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/11/2020 19:44

YANBU to expect to be a team about sorting care for your 13yo on Friday afternoons. And that could include him being alone, not liking it
isn’t sufficient reason for him to not learn some self sufficiency. Since he’s doing mainstream school work, his ASD is probably of the high functioning variety.
But YABU to expect your dp to take Friday afternoon off with such short notice. I seriously doubt he can take off “without notice” whenever he likes. No employer I know allows that.

Dixiechickonhols · 20/11/2020 19:53

Can you work on an alternative eg teen on FaceTime to sibling for reassurance. I appreciate they have anxiety but what helps eg watching a familiar film in pjs at home.

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