To be pissed off with dp over this.

[Kaylasmum49]

I have a 13 year old dd who is currently being assessed for autism, he has severe anxiety and doesn't go to school apart from me taking him down to the school everyday where we meet his support teacher outside for 5 minutes to get some school work and a chat.

I work a Friday afternoon, my do works full time as a gardener on an estate. Normally my dd would go to his older sister's house while I am at work but because of a large number of covid cases at my dd's school my other dd doesn't want to look after her brother, which is totally understandable as her do has me and has had pneumonia and pleurisy in the last couple of years.

I managed to rearrange my work last week but I can't this week. I asked my dp if he could take the afternoon off and he got angry with me and said our ds will be fine on his own, knowing full well that dd hates being left alone. My dp can normally take time off without much notice for various things that he seems important so taking the time off is possible for him.
So aibu to expect him to look after his own child in these circumstances?

Your post is very confusing. Sometimes dd sometimes ds. No I don't think taking time off for childcare is a good idea. You need to arrange a child minder .

I’d just send him to school

If his dad assesses he’ll be fine on this own, could you perhaps try it and get him to FaceTime his sister as PP said? I appreciate he hates being alone (with potential SEN is more than just disliking) but unfortunately there are going to need to be times when he is alone throughout his life.

If he’s simultaneously too anxious to be in school and too anxious to be alone is there perhaps an attachment issue that could be improved.

Ok.....
I have 5 children, dd aged 36. Diagnosed with adhd and autism at 35 year old. She normally looks after my 13 year old ds but can't atm due to the reasons I've already stated.

DS aged 34, diagnosed with BPD, adhd and autism in his late 20's early 30's. A prolific self harmer and frequently suicidal. He has a very poor quality of life due to his mental health and also has fibromyalgia, diabetes and suffers from migraines.

DD aged 29 who has anxiety and ocd. She has 3 children one of which has adhd. Her youngest child is 3 months old and isn't able to look after my ds for me.

DD aged 17, studying for advanced highers and not able to facetime her younger brother to reassure him as she is in school.

And of course ds aged 13 with crippling anxiety and very likely autism. Have been told by the specialist nurse from CAMHS that his emotional age is around 10. All through nursery and school he has difficulty in leaving me and has cried and begged me not to leave him at school. This worsened the older he got and most mornings he had to be pulled from me. He masked in school so it seemed like he was coping.....he was'nt! By the time he started secondary school everything fell apart, he can't cope in that environment, so to the posters that have said "just put him to school" maybe read up on anxiety and autism in children before you make those comments.

Viviennemary I hope I have cleared some of the confusion. What do you do if your child is unwell and can't go to school/childminder? Not everyone has a choice in childcare. Both of my parents are dead and there is no way that my ds would be able to cope with a childminder.

watermelon222 sending him to school isn't an option. Not a helpful comment!

KatieGGGG Of course there will be times in his life that he will be alone but right now his anxiety is so high and he's in the middle of an assessment for asd so I have to take that into consideration. He has separation anxiety which is very common in children with autism and I would love to improve on that issue.

I really feel like I'm being judged massively, I am working with the school, educational psychologist, CAMHS, an autism support group and a school liaison support worker for autism. None of these people have suggested that I should "just send him to school"

Kaylasmum49, of course you shouldn't just leave him at school. That would be intolerably cruel AND counterproductive, as it would make it much harder to ease him back to school.
Do you know why your DP refused? Does he understand why his son needs support - is he with those heartless posters?
Alternatively, could it be that your DP is also autistic and struggles with sudden changes of plan?
Either way, it sounds like you need to sit down and talk about it when you're both calm, to work out what to do next time this happens.
Best of luck! I have some experience of supporting autistic anxiety and it can be so painful. At the moment in particular, it does feel like the whole world is designed as a torture chamber!

Don't think you're being judged you just left out a hell of a lot of information in your OP and expected people to somehow know your situation and be able to give advice.

saniteyes my first post was hurried as I was trying to arrange something so I could go to work. Also the confusion about dd or ds was down to auto correct, I didn't notice until I had posted.

Of course I'm being judged, where do you get the idea that I'm not?

@PlanDeRaccordement

YANBU to expect to be a team about sorting care for your 13yo on Friday afternoons. And that could include him being alone, not liking it isn’t sufficient reason for him to not learn some self sufficiency. Since he’s doing mainstream school work, his ASD is probably of the high functioning variety. But YABU to expect your dp to take Friday afternoon off with such short notice. I seriously doubt he can take off “without notice” whenever he likes. No employer I know allows that.

High functioning doesn't mean that he can just cope with situations that make him anxious.

@Ohalrightthen. That's what parents (usually women) have to do regularly if thier child is I'll. Not sure why you think OP is unreasonable to expect DP to do his share.

NannyOgg thank you. It's the anxiety caused by the asd that's the biggest problem for my ds.

He is only managing a small amount of schoolwork as he gets overwhelmed if there's too much. He can only do the work if I'm sitting with him and giving him a lot of support.

Is your work only friday afternoons, or other days but this is when the childcare emergency has come up?
If your partner is working full time, presumably that's the bigger contribution to family finances - not suggesting that he should never take time off for childcare, but surely a consideration.

This is the issue when it comes to being the default parent. We like to think that our partners would step up the rare occasion they are asked to but all too often, they have built up a sense of entitlement to doing little in the parenting sphere and are reluctant to start a precedent by taking on a responsibility that might become more frequent.

In short, of course he should help but it’s not surprising that the entitled arse hasn’t.

Yanbu expecting DP to take the afternoon off, his work is more accommodating and you did it last week. Or ds should go to work with dp.

But if your ds's anxiety is so bad, is he going to be ok being with his dad instead if you op?

EveryDayIsADuvetDay I work wednesday and Thursday evenings and a Sunday, Friday is the only day that i need childcare. I would love to work fulltime but as my ds needs more care than other children of the same age i can't.

I think the childcare responsibilities should be shared to some extent. I do most if not all of that. Help with schoolwork, engaging in school meetings, organising activities with the autism group, emotional support etc while working, running the house and supporting my 34 old ds through all his difficulties, attending hospital with him when he has cut too deep or taken an overdose or thrown himself in front of a car plus psychiatric appointments.

My dp works on an estate with one other person. He decides what work he is going to do day to day at this time of year there isn't so much major stuff needing done. As I have stated more than once he has no qualms whatsoever in taking time off work when it suits his needs. I work on a checkout in a very busy supermarket, my absence at short notice can have a big impact on my job. Fridays are extremely busy so me not being there isn't really an option.

but you ARE being unreasonable to expect DH to just miss work, that's not ok unless an emergency, surely

And yet it seems ok for the OP to miss work.

OP, this drives me mad, and accounts for some of the discrepancy between the pay and promotion of men and women. It always seems to be the woman who has to take time off.

Yes, this should have been sorted with more notice but his Dad could also have anticipated that! He is taking it for granted that you will take care of it and he will have no part in what happens.

Ask him how you as a family will be placed if you lose your job?

The two of you need to work out a medium term plan, and he needs to take equal responsibility.