To think I have no life left of my own?

[madhatternoteaparty]

I literally seem to have no headspace left for myself whatsoever.

Spend all day worrying about everyone else...I'm middle aged, grown up kids with ordinary modern day problems that I seem to take it upon myself to solve, sick parent that I'm worrying about/taking care of, DH with work issues that I worry about.

I never seem to have time to myself, the house is always full and if I try and disappear for a read or something someone knocks the door or texts me to see where I am. Even the dog doesn't leave me alone. I feel like I have no identity anymore, I'm just someone's mum, daughter, wife.

I literally feel like running away to a desert island and leaving my phone at home! Anyone else feel this way? How did you deal with it?

Realised that worrying doesn't help at all and I can't control everything. Much easier said than done!

Isn't it just!

Turn your phone off, don't answer the door.

Can I come too?

If they try to disturb you while reading tell them to bugger off!

You need to start being more.selfish, talk about yourself and your needs more, calmly, but vocalise them "I need a night to myself reading", "I can't help with that this week", "can you do it". Practice makes perfect. And worrying about people is a waste of time. You're there for people, that's enough, you don't need to solve everyone's problems. You can't.

Considered getting some CBT/counselling to help you focus on what you can control and let go of other people's problems?

Oh I have recently taught my DH to say "that must be irritating" or similar when I share a problem with him - he thought me sharing problems meant I wanted him to solve it. Him telling me what I should do was driving me mad (especially as his solutions were not my solutions).

So maybe try "that must be irritating" or "oh dear, do you have a plan to sort that?" or "well I'm sure you'll work it out" or "sometimes life is just crap". And let it go.

I sympathise OP, I feel exactly the same.

The thing I find most frustrating is that even what "downtime" I do have in theory is in practice contracted out to others: my DD, my dad, my boyfriend, my friends, my boss. I almost never get to do anything purely for my own benefit without it being intended for someone else.

I love them all and I want them in my life and I'm grateful to have people who care about me and want my time. But what I would give to have a couple of hours to totally indulge myself without worrying about how it will impact on others.

Pluckedpencil

This is good advice.

Spend all day worrying about everyone else

Stop it! No one likes a martyr.

My mother bangs on about how much she worries. I kind of despise her for it, tbh.

What sorts of things are you worrying about OP? Have you always been like this?

You aren't responsible for other people's happiness.

Chamberlai

I agree: there's nothing more stifling than someone who feels they are responsible for sorting out everyone else's problems.

But its not just the worrying its the scheduling of people. Its just being able to watch TV you like or read a book without someone interrupting you or finding time in the evening to speak to someone on the phone/zoom when you'd rather just be in bed.

Its a trade-off: if you want to maintain relationships you have to put some work into them and make some commitment! You can't totally opt out of this.

You have to get them to understand that you need time to yourself. Shoo them out. Tell them no. Close the door. Turn your phone off.

You aren't responsible for other people's happiness.

And that, I feel is they key. I've just realised I only feel happy and relaxed when my immediate family are all fine! I seem to absorb their problems like a bloody sponge.

My mother bangs on about how much she worries. I kind of despise her for it, tbh.

I don't tell them that I'm worried. I just get on with it in my own head trying to solve it all. Trouble is you solve one issue and another one pops up.

You need to find things that YOU enjoy and want to do, admittedly it's harder at the moment, but take some time and figure out what makes you happy. Redraw some boundaries, if you're trying to relax and someone knocks, say I'll be down in an hour or whatever, it's unlikely to be anything super urgent, it can wait. You only feel happy doing that as you don't have anything for yourself, and you deserve to have things for yourself.

Are you my Mum? If you are, this is what I daren't say to your face: "Please stop worrying about me. I am a capable, intelligent adult. I face problems, I solve them. Thank you for being my Mum and for taking care of me when I was a child but now that I am grown up, I want to have a friendship with you. When you worry, I feel under constant pressure to reassure you, or to justify my decisions so that you don't worry that I've made a bad one. It makes me dread conversations with you. Please trust me to do the adulting in my own life - I can do it! You've raised me to be capable of rational thought, and with excellent emotional balance and problem-solving skills. Good job, Mum. You can stop parenting me now and enjoy the fruits of your labour."

"Oh, and I love you to bits and I hate to see you wearing yourself to a frazzle, needlessly worrying."

I'd recommend reading 'The Disease to please 'by Harriet Braiker. It has really helped me understand why I make myself available to everyone all the time and has helped me look at myself and do some much needed self care.

Is some of this due to the menopause, do you think? I developed low-level, constant anxiety during it. Had never been the 'anxious type' before.
Do you have a strong, hero type person that you can channel? Someone who doesn't give a crp? So when a worry comes to mind, you think what would James Bond do? Instantly you know James Bond/Bruce Willis wouldn't give a flying crp and they'd find something more fun to do.

I completely understand. As you say you're middle aged, these feelings often accompany menopause and the increased anxiety that can accompany it. It becomes very difficult to switch off your mind from literally anything that could potentially be a cause for concern.

You need to get one of the latest phones, the kind with an off switch.
Why not sign up for one of those govt. training courses on how to lock your front door and just ignore the door bell.

I think that you need to have positive things to do instead of the worrying. Because it's much harder to "do" a negative thing, i.e. stop worrying.

So you find yourself worrying, think right, I am going to listen to an audiobook for half an hour on a walk. Or I'm going to do some online learning. Or I'm going to knit a sleeve of a jumper. Or have a bubble bath. Make a list now of things you could do instead.

Also agree, check out the menopause and also magnesium levels both of which can have a huge impact on anxiety.