To think I have no life left of my own?

[madhatternoteaparty]

I literally seem to have no headspace left for myself whatsoever.

Spend all day worrying about everyone else...I'm middle aged, grown up kids with ordinary modern day problems that I seem to take it upon myself to solve, sick parent that I'm worrying about/taking care of, DH with work issues that I worry about.

I never seem to have time to myself, the house is always full and if I try and disappear for a read or something someone knocks the door or texts me to see where I am. Even the dog doesn't leave me alone. I feel like I have no identity anymore, I'm just someone's mum, daughter, wife.

I literally feel like running away to a desert island and leaving my phone at home! Anyone else feel this way? How did you deal with it?

@AuntieMarys

You aren't responsible for other people's happiness.

But she is responsible for her own. She needs to take responsibility for her own behaviour and stop blaming everybody else for it.

There's two issues here. The first is what's going on in your head - the constant worrying and the second is the fact that you have no downtime.

The worrying might require you getting some counselling and help but in the first instance, I wonder whether if you got on top of the second issue, you might find the worrying and anxiety decreasing.

Taeke time for yourself. Be clear. Tell DH you need a night off and you will be upstairs reading/watching TV or whatever. Tell him it is up to him to respond to DC requests etc. If anyone comes in, tell them to leave. Make it clear that while you are taking this time, normal tasks that need doing during this time still need to happen - cooking/cleaning/homework etc.

Or take a long walk with all the same provisos. Whatever works.

Pluckedpencil has great advice upthread. Also, grey rock the lot of them. If it helps, think of it as not ignoring them, but empowering them to be more independent.

Spend all day worrying about everyone else...I'm middle aged, grown up kids with ordinary modern day problems that I seem to take it upon myself to solve
Your problem is you.

You said yourself that you take it upon yourself to solve ordinary modern day problems your adult children have. You aren't doing them any favours by doing this. One of the jobs of a parent is to help your children grow into independent adults. Help them with insurmountable problems by all means but just help them, don't take on responsibility for actually solving their problems.

sick parent that I'm worrying about/taking care of
If you stop taking on your children's problems, you will feel more able to take care of your sick parent. There is no point worrying about them. That won't change anything. Sort out any practical issues for them and them provide practical and emotional support. Rope in siblings to help if you have any). If further caring is needed then contact the council.

DH with work issues that I worry about.
Think about whether there is any benefit to worrying about your DH's work. Will worrying achieve anything? (The answer is no).

Tell your family how you feel and that you need regular time out for yourself. Ask for help with housework if you do too much. Ask children to cook sometimes (this will help them when they leave home). Ask others to take turns to walk the dog.

Don't complain about something that is of your making and within your power to change.

Try and carve out some time just for you - an hour a day to get away from it all - go for a walk , check out some guided meditation eg Jack Kornfield on Soundcloud, sounds like you are probably exhausted - it can happen very easily - take some Vitamin D, maybe B vitamins. If it still isnt working then maybe consider having some talking therapy for support. Some of this worked for me

Menopausal anxiety is very real. Might be worth a chat with your GP. HRT can help massively.

I feel you OP. And I don't think the problem lies with me and my worrying. I'm not a worrier. I do sometimes feel like the family "fixer".

Most of my family members would say that they're fine and independent and I shouldn't waste time worrying about their problems.

But also, whether they want practical help or or just tea and sympathy, they want it Right Now.

I asked a family member to wait a few days recently for the help they needed and they had a complete meltdown. (I was having a really busy week, was shattered and stressed out, and just didn't have room in my brain for more stuff.)

Sometimes, with some people it feels as if I'm not permitted to have normal boundaries, or feelings of my own, if they get in the way of what they want.

And then if I have any feelings about all the problems they've dumped on me, there's something wrong with me? Fuck that.

Why not sign up for one of those govt. training courses on how to lock your front door and just ignore the door bell.
Haha, they all live here at the moment!

Just to clarify, the dc are capable young adults who've successfully lived away from home, they are back temporarily and they just tend to offload on me when they have issues (entirely my fault that I have indeed always been the "family fixer")

Clearly I do need to take a step back, be sympathetic and not assume they want me to fix the problem.

Some very helpful advice on this thread thank you (not including the "stop moaning and blaming everyone else, it's your own fault"🙄)

You need to just keep asking yourself "is this my problem or am I just making it my problem?"

I feel your pain! I too feel like this sometimes .I find a walk on my own with the dog helps clear my head ,also I pick a time say (Sun Afternoon) where I am watching a fave TV programme in the Lounge /or bedroom close the door ,and actually announce "Hey everyone ,just watching Midsomer Murders "or whatever you like .Try to pick something only you like though,or you may get unwanted company! My DD seems to want answers to her problems ,but I just listen now and say little unless she is really upset obv! I feel for you looking after DM ,My Mum has died now ,but it is very stressful .Maybe lock the Bathroom door, and put some really nice Bubbles( Body Shop,Neals Yard )and have a long soak .You are not being selfish ,but you cant look after others unless you take care of yourself first!

You sound very much like my DM except she likes it that way because she doesnt like being on her own and likes to always be busy doing/thinking about something.
She worries about everyone's problems, I'll tell her something about me for example, she'll be worried about it even when I'm not. I tell her that's ridiculous but she can't help it.
On odd occasion she'll complain she's got too much on and I tell her she needs to learn to say no sometimes and that it's perfectly normal to do so and that's what everyone else does. But she doesnt listen.

My advice is to learn to say no and try not to make other people's worries your own, Easier said than done I'm sure!

' Trouble is you solve one issue and another one pops up.'

So what are the 'problems' that you keep having to be involved with?

I'm getting the impression that you thrive on being 'needed;'.

A friend of mine has " retreat" days...tells people in advance that on that day he won't answer phone etc etc and doesn't speak to anyone...I have visited that house and he only nodded to acknowledge me as was on retreat !!

I use having a bath.

Adult kids do seem to be reluctant to spill all their problems to someone naked and covered in bubbles 🤣.

A 2 hour bath is a great thing of an evening and with tablets and bluetooth headphones you can watch netflix with a glass of wine while you are there

See the thing is worry is extremely useful. Its one of the things that drives us to learn from the past, anticipate the future, get on with stuff, stop procrastinating, look after our health and the health of others blah blah. So it isn't really helpful to say what good has worrying ever done? It is actually a really motivating force with humans. My Dad has a health condition. I'm quite worried about it. My worry has caused me to go through his medications and contact the Dr about something that is contraindicated for him. An elderly man down my road has the same condition. I'm not worried about him at all as I barely know him, so I'm not driven to help him. Lets hope somebody else is worried enough to check out his meds.
So that is really the problem. We do need to feel worry/fear/anxiety and it directs our behaviour. BUT it can get out of control. So I don't think we should be aiming not to get worried, but to act on the worry and then let it go. No ruminations.

But....everyone said it would get easier when they get older????,

Late to the thread, but @Covert19 that was a great post, which has made me think a lot about my relationships with my adult sons and my constant worrying about them. You're right, I've given them the skills and now I have to let go and let them get on with it. The trouble is, I'm their mother and worrying comes with the territory so it's very hard not to. I mean, my 84 year old mother still worries about me, bless her!