We are in week eight of nursery settling in... and counting.

[BertieBotts]

I am starting to go a little bit mad so I thought I would do a post. I thought if people are interested I can update every day and maybe I won't feel so crazy if everyone is rooting for us.

We live in Germany. I had been warned by other expat friends to expect a long settling period. What I did not expect was eight weeks of madness. German kindergartens employ a method of settling in called the Berlin Method, where you start out staying with the child for a short time so that they get to know the place, then you sit in a corner being boring while they go off and have fun with a designated staff member, and then eventually you leave and start bringing them for short periods on their own. It is supposed to take 2-6 weeks. I think we might be trapped in the longest one in history. I wonder if he will be settled in by Christmas?

DS2 is 2 years old.

I will do a little summary for you.

Week 1, day one: DS2 very excited to come and play at Kita. We sat in the art room. He investigated scissors, a broom and some crayons. We stayed for 90 minutes! He told me I could go home after 15 minutes. I foolishly thought this was a good sign.

Week 1, day two: Today DS2 discovered the construction room (cars, trains, building blocks). This is the best day of his life. We were allowed to stay for 1 hour today. He starts to actually talk to his keyworker, especially when she speaks English to him.

We alternated between the construction room and dining room for the whole of week 1. We did not advance past an hour.

Week 2: DS2 poorly and has to spend the week at home.

Week 3: After a successful first day, I actually get to leave for the first time. I am instructed to leave for 30 minutes. The rest of the week goes well and it stretches out to 90 minutes. I start bringing him later so he can participate in circle time. I notice his keyworker is speaking 100% English to him now with the odd German word.

Week 4: On Monday DS2 suddenly connects the fact that we're approaching Kita with the realisation I'm going to abandon him and breaks into heartbreaking sobs. However as the week goes on he goes from "Nooooooooooo Kita" and trying to run away to waving manically and going "Byeeebyeemummyyyy" through tears. I feel horrible. DH gives us a lift one day and unhelpfully says "I don't know how you can cope with that face!" Miraculously by Friday he is managing to say goodbye. I am allowed to pick him up 30 minutes later to allow for him to have lunch there. When I pick him up I'm informed randomly that he's moving group next week and will be with a completely different keyworker. I'm confused but say OK. Apparently, he knows her, so I think this is probably fine.

Week 5: The Kita has gone into full Corona prevention measures which explains the group change. However, it turns out DS2 does not know/like/tolerate either of the staff members in his group. His group is also confined to the dining room. When he doesn't like an adult, his response is to pretend that they don't exist. I'm told we probably shouldn't lengthen the time yet, because he needs to get used to the new situation.

Week 6: It takes until halfway through this week for DS2 to actually start acknowledging one of the workers in his group. He still refuses the other. OK-adult is tolerated. We have discovered goodbyes need to be as fast as possible. DS2 reinforces this by shouting "BYE BYE MUMMY" in a tone of "I'm only just holding it together here, hurry the fuck up and GO".

Week 7: He is ill for the whole week and has to stay at home.

Week 8: (This week). WE FINALLY GET TO LENGTHEN THE TIME. I am allowed to drop him off half an hour earlier, and pick him up half an hour later. Yay! I actually have time to go home instead of sit in a corridor! However they also decided on the same day that they would totally change all the groups around. Not-OK adult is staying with their group. OK-adult is moving to the baby room. However, his original keyworker that he liked is going to be part of his group. I never see her, though. I am only allowed to interact with his least favourite adult. They inform me that he hates all of this change and we need to reduce the time I am leaving him for so that he can get used to it again, and also so that they can feed him lunch earlier, because they've suddenly started giving it an hour later and he is most displeased about this.

I have to pick him up earlier tomorrow anyway, because I have work in the afternoon. So they are happy with this. He seemed happy and covered in dirt today. I will update you tomorrow.

It might be an idea to get this moved from AIBU to 'Chat' OP

Blimey! Can't blame the poor lad for being a bit uncertain when they keep moving the bloody goalposts for him.

Hope he settles soon! Was chatting to a friend about this the other day as my dd has her first settling in session soon. Apparently it's common for them to be fine at first then have a relapse when they realise it's a permanent thing

Yes, I had in mind first a bit of a rant along the lines of AIBU to think this is a bit excessive etc but I mellowed. Oh well.

Yes I think that's what happened in about week 3/4, he was having a lovely time and then he realised I wouldn't be coming in with him any more which was tricky.

I do feel they have messed him about a bit although not entirely their fault, with corona regulations coming here there and everywhere, they must have a really tricky job trying to balance everything.

Crikey. My DD (DC3) started nursery about 18m and had one half hour session with me then bam, usual hours (only 2 x 8 hrs a week).
Se had to get in with it as I was at work, she was fine!
Does seem very faffy. Just go, or don't!

My German colleague’s just turned 2yo started very recently. I had no idea until then about the settling in! First he had time off work for settling, and I thought, “oh that’s nice, walking him there, being home after short days...” then it just went on forever! Weeks later he was still talking about settling in...

Here in the UK, I asked if my 13 month old should come in for an afternoon a week for a couple of weeks - and was told, “oh no, are best settlers are the ones that we just get for a full week, from the start - shooo!”

Crikey long settling in with all the changes it's like settling in 3x over

Blimey it sounds like serious stuff!! I got a whole 15 minutes to try and settle my 1 year old when she started nursery back in July.

As an ex teacher I would question their organisation ,lack of continuity & so many staff & group changes. His illness plus their constant organisational changes , not just Covid, have made the process longer & more traumatic. It sounds all very knee jerk, reactive ,not proactive & chaotic. Precisely what makes small children feel insecure ,vulnerable & unsettled. I'd be tempted to go elsewhere once Covid calms down.

Thought about emigrating, perhaps? Canada?

Their covid measures sound very unusual to someone living in the UK, tbh. My local nurseries aren't allowing parents over the threshold, you choose a nursery by online-viewing and walking round outside peering through windows, with a nursery manager on the phone answering your questions.
I'm not allowed closer to the nursery door than 2m. I have to wear a mask at drop off. I leave my toddler on a yellow painted line and step back, and he has to run indoors. He learned to door this within about 5 visits (including 2 settling in visits). Younger babies are left in a bassinet or crib then parent steps back, and childcare worker steps out to collect the child.

For his settling in sessions, of which we did two, he was there for one hour each time and I was not allowed inside. He had to settle in on his own. It is not ideal, but there it is.

The nursery my DS attends fixed its covid policy right at the start of lockdown, so it could take Keyworker children. They wouldn't chop and change bubbles or access to rooms, that is a nightmare for cross-contamination risk. This is what I would be most upset about in your shoes, OP.

It does sound like your chosen childcare setting is dragging everything out and it isn't helping your DS at all. If you have a word, perhaps they will adjust their approach?
Also, is it a bi-lingual nursery and/or are you happy for English to be spoken? My nephew and niece live in Berlin, and attended a childminder then a kindergarten, and whilst lots of adults spoke English they only spoke German to the children, and the children all played in German. It would have been alienating for my nephew and niece to be spoken to in another language to their friends, I think. The children were both brought up bilingual, spoke mainly English at home and German everywhere else. I wouldn't be happy about the workers switching language, although I'm sure they mean well.

It sounds immensely frustrating and utterly impractical if you are returning to work, to not have a fixed deadline for completing settling in. Are you PAYING for these hours OP?

I would tell them it needs to be sorted out pronto, as your DS is suffering. They don't sound professionally competent, imo.

The Berlin Method needs a bomb. Kiss goodbye and walk in is the way to go. Good luck!

I think some settling in is important but key worker continuity is much more important. 8 weeks of it sounds ridiculous.

We had settling in visits for my 1 yo and I was really worried about just having to hand her over in a car park (due to covid) but our nursery did visits in the garden which worked really well. I think we had two 1h visits where my husband stayed abs one 1h30 visit to cover lunch and then we paid for a week of half days and then in for full days.

This is insane. What the hell?

When is he planned to do full days, high school?

Oh we chose it last year. So visits were allowed then. Although it's not so much choosing as apply to everything within a vaguely reachable radius, and just pray you get a space somewhere.

I haven't been over the threshold since the first step of settling in, which was the only exception to parents being allowed in.

No idea why they keep messing everyone around. They had assigned all of the groups during the last corona lockdown, and honestly I think we were just put in the one with fewer children. The merging of two groups is a permanent measure, so I'm not worried about cross contamination. When not in corona measures there is only a separate room for the babies, the rest of the place is all the kids from the age of about 2-6 all together.

Of course he'll learn German when he's settled in properly. That's how my older child did it as well. I'm not remotely worried about them speaking English to help him settle in, in fact I was quite glad about it as it seemed to help him.

We are paying full full time fees for this which I'm tolerating, because they are about a quarter of what nurseries cost in the UK. But it is becoming a bit tight with work as I can only work at the moment on Friday afternoons and Saturdays, and we don't really have the wriggle room in the family budget to pay for this indefinitely. Workplaces are totally used to this but I can't imagine they're jumping for joy about it although they haven't said anything to me (yet!)

Today a bus fuck up means I'm rushing around between nursery pick up and trying to get to work. Only sitting down now so DS2 can have some milk for his nap. Fingers crossed I catch the bus. Otherwise they're really not going to be happy with me.

That's the way they do it. If you dont like it, find another setting. And tbf, he's done 6 weeks not 8.

Crikey what a bloody palaver! I work in a nursery and we allow one settling in session then the child comes in alone for either half days or full days depending on what the parents need. This September because of Covid there were no settling in sessions at all, we had lots of new children, yes it was tricky (and a bit stressful) at first but by week 4 all were ok and had settled in nicely.

They're all like this. I don't mind as such, I just thought it would be an interesting thing to chat about on a chat site.

Well I was disorientated and confused after just reading it so goodness knows how he is feeling!

I would be asking them quite firmly to stop fucking about with his key workers. Probably the most important part of settling in is consistency, he's obviously going to be unsettled if they keep changing the adults as there isn't a consistent familiar face.

In contrast my friends child started nursery last month. He visited once with his mum and played for about an hour whilst she signed some forms and then he was in full time 5 days a week. As a result he's settled in beautifully as it's a consistent routine with the same adults and he feels secure as he knows what to expect

That's crazy. My 16 month old started 2 months ago and I thought we had a lot of settling in....45 mins with me in the room but signing forms, etc., Then another 45 minutes which we could've left him for 10-15 mins in the middle but they said just leave him BC he was happy. Then three more of these just under an hour tasters, with us in the hall. This was spread over 2 weeks.

His keyworker changing is insane, though. Have you asked them about what happens next?

Poor lad - and you! Mine's just started here in the UK, did 3 short settling in sessions (I stayed for one) and then has been in for full days since then. I couldn't be dealing with all that chopping and changing!

I never stayed with mine at the childminder, only the first time I went to fill in paperwork I stayed 15 mins. I felt it was important it was a place he understood was a place he went without me. We did 2 hours on each of 2 days the first week, then 2 mornings including breakfast the second week, then 2 full days the third week (being collected at 4pm and home for tea). Then on to 3 full days a week for good.

I think settling in is important but 8 weeks feels very long, although really I would almost discount everything before the 2 weeks of illness.

I would be very unhappy about the lack of key worker continuity and changing groups and would feed that back. What is the ratio of adults to kids? I think between 15m & 30m can be the hardest age to settle toddlers in childcare as at that age they very established in their routines and often hate change.

I think this is interesting so thanks for sharing! It sounds so much less convenient for parents than the UK standard, but I wonder (rather guiltily!) if there's evidence that it's better for children?

Anecdotally, I've settled DS into nursery twice, once in the first place and then once after we moved in the summer - by which point he'd not been in any form of childcare for four months because of lockdown. The second time was quite a lot worse and I have wondered if it's because the settling in process was truncated by Covid (it feels very odd to me that I've still never set foot in the place where he spends two full days a week apart from one look around with no one in the building except me and the nursery manager) but it's not really a fair comparison because he was older and more aware than the first time, and also had literally not been apart from either me or his dad throughout lockdown so the separation was more stark.

Well apparently yes, there is evidence - they sent me a load of stuff by email. Apparently kids who do this settling in method get ill less often over the following year (among other benefits, but that was the one that surprised me).

I think my employer is getting a bit fed up of waiting, I may not have a job to go to by the time we finish this DH's employer is also getting a bit annoyed with him finishing early on Fridays so I can go to work for the afternoon.

TBH if it's done over the usual 2-6 weeks, I think it probably works really well and is a nice compromise given that employers are quite aware and flexible with it. Not sure that would quite work in the UK but you get so much parental leave here it's trivial to extend it for a month and would only be an issue if you'd waited the full 3 years to go back to work. But 8+ weeks is a bit too long. I think if I truncate weeks 4-8 and ignore week 2 I could mentally think we're on "week 6" and might be in the home stretch now!

We seem to be back to the original keyworker again now who has said she didn't see any reason to reduce the time so we're going back to 3.5 hours again tomorrow. I actually just need to drop him off a bit earlier and then ask them how they usually do the nap time step. Currently I pick him up at the time the others go for a nap but ideally he should be napping there.

TBH, I think the ratios were partly the reason for the change. In the previous set up, there were four groups of children, and each group had 2-3 members of staff, which meant when someone was off sick in the smaller groups, they had one adult in charge of a whole room of kids which was obviously not enough - wouldn't meet UK ratios - they are a bit looser here. So now they have two main groups, plus the baby room, and 3-4 staff members in each one.

I do really like the nursery in general but my friend whose kids went to the same one agrees that the organisation/management is a bit haphazard, and warned me not to worry too much over changes of staff as apparently they often move them around between the different branches, and she worried about it a lot but actually her kids have been fine with it.

Apparently today they ate Käsespätzle, which is basically Bavarian macaroni cheese, and DS2 along with 90% of the kids "built a cage for the animals" :o (They put a little summary of the week's menu and the main activity chosen by the children on the door).

Hi There. If it’s any consolation, it took us about 10 weeks to get our DD fully settled at her Kita. Also a Brit in Berlin I was somewhat bemused by the glacial pace of it all, particularly as everyone I knew back in Britain completed settling in in about 48 hours. For us it Was pretty awful until about week 7/8, then something changed and it all improved quickly. Now she absolutely loves it. I’d be cross about the lack of stability with the staff though. Anyway: it will get better!

In England it took about 2 weeks to settle my 1 year old into full time. Because of lockdown I was only allowed in one (empty) room - he could come and go between me and the "fun" room with the others and the staff.

It sounds like with him being off sick, and them changing rooms and keyworkers, you haven't really had a proper shot yet. They've messed you around, and he's had a bad run of luck, but it's worth persevering another week or two. Your DH seems to have done well to half one half day a week with little one - you definitely have the worst of it, but hopefully not for long.