to insist on an sti test before sex?

[62andcounting]

I’m a widow and no spring chicken. I’ve just started internet dating during the March lockdown and since we came out of the last lockdown I’ve met up a few times with a guy I quite like but don’t want to be in a relationship with. We’ve been out for meals and I’ve been over to his place. He’s been divorced for about 10 years and although I don’t think he’s seeing other women at the moment I’m sure he’s not been celibate since his divorce. I’m thinking we could be friends with benefits but I’ve only ever had intercourse with two sexual partners and I’m a bit naive and inexperienced with the current dating scene. I’m pretty certain I don’t have any sti’s and I’ve been told that most people in their 40’s and older have the hpv virus without even realising it. I realise most sti tests don’t even test men for hpv. I don’t want to pick anything up and I would like to stay sti free in case I meet someone else who I would like to have a long term relationship with. I’ve looked at info online about having a vaccine against the hpv virus but it is about £450 for a course of 3 and I don’t think they even give it to you if you’re over 45. How many of you insist on sexual partners being tested for sti’s before embarking on a sexual relationship or do people just wait until having symptoms before getting tested? Whilst I wouldn’t insist on him being faithful to me I would ask him to tell me if he had sex with someone else as I wouldn’t then want to continue having sex with him. Am I being ridiculous to even think this is possible. Anyone have any advise for me? YABU - don’t insist on an sti test YANBU - yes it’s ok to ask for testing - perfectly normal

I'm married now and younger than you but when i met DH we used condoms for a few months, then had a chat about me going on the pill and we both went and got STI tests. Both all clear. I would never have sex without a condom without knowing both my and my partner's status tbh.

Can't you use condoms until you decide you want to make it a regular thing?

Yanbu and very sensible if you plan to have sex without a condom.

I started online dating after DH died, when I got to the stage of wanting to have sex with someone I asked him to get tested - and I got tested as well.
Ordered on online kit via NHS, came quickly & results quick after I returned it. DP did this through Lloyds chemist.

Sorry but as you are only wanting to be FWB's with this man and not a relationship, there is nothing to stop him sleeping with someone else while you are seeing him, having an STI test (if he agreed to it) would be pointless if he was then still sleeping with other women then you after taking it. I know you've said you would ask him to tell you if he sleeps with someone else but what if he doesn't? Is it a risk worth taking? You won't be in a relationship with him so he isn't obliged to tell you about other potential partners. Plus if he's had sex with someone else very recently there are some sti's that wouldn't show on a test yet anyway (one example being HIV, recommended a repeat test at 3 months past sex). If you want to go ahead you can always ask him, although he may not accept. I would still use condoms to be on the safe side though, for the reasons above. I'm definitely not against FWB's but it seems like a lot of effort for someone you're not interested in a relationship with.
Would you have tests done aswell?

Oh, and we used condoms for a few times before the tests got sorted, but we had the conversation first.

@Chasingsquirrels

I started online dating after DH died, when I got to the stage of wanting to have sex with someone I asked him to get tested - and I got tested as well. Ordered on online kit via NHS, came quickly & results quick after I returned it. DP did this through Lloyds chemist.

Can you get the blood tests done this way too or does that just cover the swab tests? (Genuine question, I never realised you could get them done without seeing a doctor)

@Reggaetonlente thanks for your reply. Yes we would use condoms but I’ve read that you can get the hpv virus even using condoms.

You are correct that the HPV virus won't show up in tests. If you plan to use condoms I wouldn't bother asking him to test. It's a strange one as there doesn't seem to be a way to be certain you won't catch HPV unfortunately

Absolutely its the sensible thing to do, personally I have never had sex with a partner without an STI screen. However, if this is an FWB arrangement an initial STI screen is still sensible, then using condoms throughoug and regularly going for screenings yourself.

YABU to say you dont think you have aything but want him to get tested.

It would be sensible and less offensive to say that you should both get sti test just to make sure the other is safe.

Maybe you should get the vaccine. Your anxiety over HPV isn't going to make for relaxing sex.

It's standard to use condoms and both get tested before ditching them OP. That's both of you. It's not a big deal.

Just use condoms if it's casual.

Even if you met someone you wanted a serious relationship with, without condoms, this worrying about HPV to the point of wanting a vaccine seems a bit OTT.

Lou98 ah well let me tell you about the blood test...
The kit was a vaginal swab test and a finger prick blood collection tube.
I'm not very good with needles and injections, I have no concerns about having them - but faint when I do so, unless I am lying down. I know this so it's not an issue.
Did I think about this when doing the finger prick to gather my blood?
Err no!
The instructions said to have your finger below your heart, so I stood up to do it, and lost the next half hour lying on my en-suite floor.
I'm not sure I actually passed out, and was determined to squeeze enough blood out to get enough in the tube, but it was close.

@Lou98 yes I would get tested too. I’ve recently had a smear test done and that came back negative for the hpv strains they test for now. I was also tested for chlamydia a while ago and that was negative too so I’m fairly confident I don’t have anything but I would have the tests done to reassure him. Obviously he could have sex with other people without telling me but as we’re not in a relationship what would he benefit by not telling me? Or am I being naive that he wouldn’t lie to me about it? And yes you can have the HIV blood tests done at larger Superdrug and Lloyd’s chemist stores. Also home testing kits where you do your own blood samples and post them off.

Hpv testing cannot be done unless the person has symptoms.

Many people have herpes and it lays dominant for years without any symptoms. Condoms don’t protect against it as it’s not internal and you can’t catch it from someone who has no symptoms but has had symptoms within the last 3 months.

I have the hpv virus and have passed it on to my dh. No sex is risk free

I’ve just realised the hpv virus you mean is the genital warts one.

It’s the herpes one I have

@Chasingsquirrels wow that sounds like a nightmare!! Normally needles/getting blood taken doesn't bother me but I must say I hate getting the finger prick blood tests, had it done a couple times for various reasons and always found them really painful!
I never realised you could get them done from the chemist like that, definitely handier than having to get booked in at the doctors! Only ever done it once before before I met my DP and was 18 at the time and remember being so embarrassed! (Not sure why it was a routine test we both did just to check before ditching the condoms but still felt judged 😂)

[quote 62andcounting]@Lou98 yes I would get tested too. I’ve recently had a smear test done and that came back negative for the hpv strains they test for now. I was also tested for chlamydia a while ago and that was negative too so I’m fairly confident I don’t have anything but I would have the tests done to reassure him. Obviously he could have sex with other people without telling me but as we’re not in a relationship what would he benefit by not telling me? Or am I being naive that he wouldn’t lie to me about it? And yes you can have the HIV blood tests done at larger Superdrug and Lloyd’s chemist stores. Also home testing kits where you do your own blood samples and post them off.[/quote]
That's good that you would be willing to get tested too, it's definitely worth asking him, and then can decide from there what to do.
He may tell you, but I would say what he would gain from not telling you would be you continuing to sleep with him, he would perhaps think that if he told you then you would end things. Of course you'll know him better than I do and I'm maybe just cynical in my way of thinking but I would just keep it in mind that it could be a possibility.

I didn't realise blood tests could be done from the pharmacy etc, definitely good they have that option!

@LightUpLetters how did your dh react when he found out you’d given him herpes?

I did this with my last partner. They asked at the appointment why I was there and didn't seem at all surprised at my reason, so I'd guess it's common.

I had herpes before I met him. I had had it about 5 years before hand (I got herpes at about 18/19 years old) and he knew I had it and there was a risk he could get it.

Once I had educated him about it and that 70% of the population has it although most have it without symptoms he was fine.

Afew years into the relationship he started having symptoms and the virus has been a pain for him as he has a stressful job which makes the outbreaks more frequent. He takes daily medication to reduce the outbreaks.

Everyone starts a relationship with previous “baggage” and it just so happens that my baggage was an incurable STI

I’m younger than you (late twenties) and I had a lot of education about sexual health at school so I wouldn’t ever consider having sex without a condom unless my partner had had an STI test. I guess it’s a bit trickier if you’re looking for a FWB situation though.

It won’t matter much to you if you’re going to pay for tests, but a word of warning that it can be a bit harder to get an STI rest through the NHS than you might think. When I started seeing my boyfriend I made an appointment at my doctors and when I got there the doctor said “Oh we don’t do that here!”. I just paid to have them done privately in the end, as my nearest sexual health clinic was miles away!

I've had the HPV vaccine.

Was also HPV positive at my last smear

're NHS tests, I appreciate areas are different but in my area the home test is free, just order online.

www.icash.nhs.uk/contraception-sexual-health/postal-self-test-kits/advice-and-guidance

Might help someone