to insist on an sti test before sex?

[62andcounting]

I’m a widow and no spring chicken. I’ve just started internet dating during the March lockdown and since we came out of the last lockdown I’ve met up a few times with a guy I quite like but don’t want to be in a relationship with. We’ve been out for meals and I’ve been over to his place. He’s been divorced for about 10 years and although I don’t think he’s seeing other women at the moment I’m sure he’s not been celibate since his divorce. I’m thinking we could be friends with benefits but I’ve only ever had intercourse with two sexual partners and I’m a bit naive and inexperienced with the current dating scene. I’m pretty certain I don’t have any sti’s and I’ve been told that most people in their 40’s and older have the hpv virus without even realising it. I realise most sti tests don’t even test men for hpv. I don’t want to pick anything up and I would like to stay sti free in case I meet someone else who I would like to have a long term relationship with. I’ve looked at info online about having a vaccine against the hpv virus but it is about £450 for a course of 3 and I don’t think they even give it to you if you’re over 45. How many of you insist on sexual partners being tested for sti’s before embarking on a sexual relationship or do people just wait until having symptoms before getting tested? Whilst I wouldn’t insist on him being faithful to me I would ask him to tell me if he had sex with someone else as I wouldn’t then want to continue having sex with him. Am I being ridiculous to even think this is possible. Anyone have any advise for me? YABU - don’t insist on an sti test YANBU - yes it’s ok to ask for testing - perfectly normal

@Lou98 I was thinking that if someone else came along who he wanted to have sex with then he wouldn’t be bothered if things ended between us - but I suppose some men are just greedy and want as much sex as they can get 😀 I’d like to think he wouldn’t lie to me but no I couldn’t be sure!

Ah, I just paid £60 for my test through Lloyds!!

Herpes and HPV aren’t tested for even in ‘full’ STD screenings that test for everything, so everyone has to accept there’s always a degree of risk with those ones even if you’re very sensible.

Always good to get tested along with new partners though!

@whataballbag Oh so the vaccine doesn’t work then? Did they say what the reasons could be for you testing positive even though you’ve had the vaccine?

@Chasingsquirrels Thanks for that link but unfortunately it doesn’t cover my area. I did look up my local free nhs tests and it said they’d run out of kits at the moment! Thanks for the info about the finger prick test you did! Sounds very traumatic! I must admit I’m a bit squeamish! I’d rather a health professional did it to me than me having to prick my own finger!!! 🤪

I met my now DH when I was 19 and he was 24 and just out of uni. I knew he'd prob had a lot of sex and said I wanted him to have an STI test before we had sex. He respected that and had one

I think it would be fine to ask someone you're developing a serious relationship with to get an STI test before sex but if it's just casual then you use condoms and accept the tiny risk IMO or you don't have casual sex at all.
Obviously always insist on an STI test before going without condoms!

[quote 62andcounting]@whataballbag Oh so the vaccine doesn’t work then? Did they say what the reasons could be for you testing positive even though you’ve had the vaccine?[/quote]
The vaccine does work but HPV isn't one virus it's a group of over 100 viruses and the vaccine only protects against 4 of them. The 4 it does protect against are the ones that cause the most cases of cervical cancer.

It actually covers more now than when it was first introduced as the original vaccine didn't cover the ones that cause warts but now it does.

I’ve never had an STI test , but just starting OLD now (early fifties). I’ve only had two long term partners . I had HIV tests each time I was pregnant but that’s it .
I know I’m fifty odd but it’s all new to me (shouldn’t be embarrassing but it is - but I will ask any potential partner to have tests too if I get that far). What is the easiest ? Online? Or do you walk into a pharmacy and ask the pharmacist? Or find a sexual health clinic (again I have no idea about those, never been, no idea where my closest one is). I’m very happy to pay just no idea really the most efficient way or how to even go about it.

Well you would have to keep using condoms anyway...

If you are after a FWB he will be free to see and sleep with other women. So even if he has a test now, it is no guarantee he would be STD-free a few weeks later...and I doubt very much that the guy would notify you every time he sleeps with someone else.

If you or he are blood donors this screens for a lot of STIs

You're not being unreasonable but unless you're planning to have sex without a barrier method the question is moot anyway.

When I'm in a new (exclusive) relationship I always insist on both of us getting tested before we stop using condoms.

If it's a casual relationship, I'd just stick to condoms to be honest. There's nothing to stop him - or you - from picking something up from someone else after the test has been done.

I thought you can only get HPV virus through his semen actually being inside you eg reaching your cervix? Not if he’s wearing a condom. If he had genital warts wouldn’t they be obvious? I’m not certain though maybe google it!

I know you can catch Herpes from close contact with someone who is about to have a flare up but is still asymptomatic. So they may have no sores but can still pass it on via sex with a condom.

I think you should be able to chat openly about these things if you’re planning on a sexual relationship. But if it’s just friends with benefits why are you wasting time on him? He may not feel it’s worth going to an STI clinic if you’re not interested in anything serious with him. And if he does go I think it’s only fair you both get tested, as women can also get STIs that lie dormant for years but can be passed on!

@GaraMedouar

I’ve never had an STI test , but just starting OLD now (early fifties). I’ve only had two long term partners . I had HIV tests each time I was pregnant but that’s it . I know I’m fifty odd but it’s all new to me (shouldn’t be embarrassing but it is - but I will ask any potential partner to have tests too if I get that far). What is the easiest ? Online? Or do you walk into a pharmacy and ask the pharmacist? Or find a sexual health clinic (again I have no idea about those, never been, no idea where my closest one is). I’m very happy to pay just no idea really the most efficient way or how to even go about it.

You can order a test kit online as long as you're happy to spike your own finger for a blood test! It's super easy and quick

@CodenameVillanelle - thanks , yes I’m happy to prick my own finger - online certainly sounds easiest. I’m going to look into that as I may as well do it sooner rather than later.