To understand why some women are trapped in abusive relationships?

[Temporary1234]

I know there are a fair lot of people who blame their mothers for not leaving their abusive fathers before it escalates and consider them to be complicit.

But after watching few programs, I feel like, most women who are in abusive relationships might worry about actually leave their vulnerable kids in 50 percent custody with abusive partners who might have already weakened them enough to make them vulnerable and not influential in their children’s lives..

So a life of patching up the marriage until the kids are older seems more beneficial for the kids until the mother can protect them??

Usually abusive people are attracted to women who don’t have much support or isolated or unable to stand on their own feet... or they manage to strip them off those powers..

Soo am I unreasonable to think some women in these situations especially back in the days when there was little support but still even so today, am I unreasonable to think they need to be seen as victims and not complicit? And not have their motherhood questioned ?

I believe a lot of women in abusive relationships already experienced childhood trauma. If they grew up in volatile households, they might have been conditioned to have to stay with troublesome people. As a child you can't leave a bad situation and your brain might get accustomed to staying.

You know what it is the woman's fault.

I realise that is a harsh thing to say but she is the one who brought a child into this world with a shit father. Maybe she should have thought a bit more about that rather than f&kin up her life and her child's. Rather than crying fir the next 18 years that she dare not leave her kids with him for visitation. The cycle then continues.*

You know what? A significant amount of abuse doesn't begin until pregnancy or after a child is born. You can't always tell if someone's gong to be an abuser. I couldn't tell with my ex.

My mother never left my father. She didn't see where exactly she would have gone? She didn't have a job or a way to support herself and had moved to a new country and hadn't learnt the language either yet.

Trauma bonds too.

@Whattherapy2020 you do realise that these men aren't abusive shits when we meet them, if they were the relationship would never happen in the first place. This kind of man portrays himself as the good guy, reliable, plenty of friends who say he's just fab, and often they have a knight in shining armour complex. As other posters have said, the abuse comes after he's fully ensnared his 'catch' whether that be through marriage or pregnancy or both. Please get a clue.

often they have a knight in shining armour complex

So many women in abusive relationships have described their partners as having 'swept in like a knight in shining armour', 'treated them like a princess', 'put them on a pedestal' or 'been so protective' that if I were ever dating again I would regard any of those things as massive red flags. But I can understand how it can be incredibly attractive to a vulnerable woman.

My ex literally uses Knight in all of his online personas. He'd be the first person to sympathise with a woman about shit blokes etc, women in his office consider him trustworthy and 'decent'. He often says he thinks he is misunderstood. He's a completely different guy of course. But very few people would believe it. Fortunately for me the Police did believe it when it mattered. But then I was more willing to leave than he realised. He'd often talk about 'people like us' encouraging the idea that I was lesser as a human, lucky to have him, his understanding for my flaws etc etc. Having been abused and neglected as a child I do believe myself Inherently flawed, he preyed upon that and still does with friends and relationships. His last two girlfriends he's met from online depression forums, it is predatory behaviour. A condition he claims to have had after our relationship. He presents himself as a vulnerable heart of gold type, then slowly controls emotionally financially socially etc. One ex lost her house and now rents, his current girlfriend let's him live with her completely rent free. These are intelligent women, with good careers and academic qualifications. But they have low self esteem for different reasons. Watch out for self professed 'nice guy' they are always wankers.

@lazylinguist I wasn't vulnerable when I met my exh, and he was the go to/rescuer to everyone not just me. The guy his friends called if they needed a lift or help with DIY etc. He didn't sweep me off my feet or put me on a pedestal, he just appeared to be an all round solid guy. Sadly, that was his outward facade and once we were married and I was expecting our DC he revealed himself to be something entirely different. The problem was that friends just couldn't equate this version of him to the version of him they knew, but then their friendship with him obviously were on a more casual basis than a marriage, so there was never any need for him to show them 'himself.

D4rwin. That sounds like exactly the kind of scenario that a lot of people can't imagine when they question why women don't 'just leave'. A situation where not only does the abuser calculatingly portray himself as a kind rescuer, but he also picks women who will be least likely to see through it, because of their own experiences.

I feel you are right but there is one thing to understand. Loving yourself is very very important. People may call it selfishness but it is okay to be selfish and love yourself. Loving doesn't means just letting go of yourself and taking every nonsense. Love is mutual not abusive. And people need to rise above it. Be it physical or mental abusive relationship is toxic.

You know what it is the woman's fault

I realise that is a harsh thing to say but she is the one who brought a child into this world with a shit father. Maybe she should have thought a bit more about that rather than f&kin up her life and her child's. Rather than crying fir the next 18 years that she dare not leave her kids with him for visitation. The cycle then continues*
Wow!
That is one of the most ignorant, ill informed posts I have read on MN.
You really don't have a clue do you about many women's expierences of DV.
Shameful post.

@Krampusnacht “The problem was that friends just couldn't equate this version of him to the version of him they knew, but then their friendship with him obviously were on a more casual basis than a marriage, so there was never any need for him to show them 'himself.”

THIS. My ex is a wonderful guy. Would do anything for anyone. Charming, charismatic, a big softie. Except if you express a need, challenge him in any way or ask can he please not do something deeply hurtful or upsetting. Then his true self comes out.

But after watching few programs, I feel like, most women who are in abusive relationships might worry about actually leave their vulnerable kids in 50 percent custody with abusive partners who might have already weakened them enough to make them vulnerable and not influential in their children’s lives..

I think YABU. Anecdotal I know, but in 99% of threads on MN, the abusive wankers threaten 50/50 but then can't even manage EOW.

Many women do use the kids as an excuse to stay (no judgement there, it took me 6 years to leave abusive ex) but I think women are rightly told not to stay with abusive men because of a fear of 50/50 access.

I think if support services and the legal system for abuse victims were anything like fit for purpose there would be a lot less 'trapped' women so I struggle to apportion blame anywhere other than those failures in our systems/society tbh. Abuse is insidious and there's nowhere near enough education or support available to help women recognise the early signs and help them get out. Until those things are in place and working properly I can't justify blaming the victims for feeling they can't leave.

@Iamuhtredsonofuhtred exactly that. And on occasion when a friend did question something, suddenly they were excommunicated and he was full of righteous indignation 'after all I've done for them...'. They are VERY good at playing the victim in that instance.

@whattherapy2020 what a disgusting post!! I began a relationship with my ex at age 15. The abuse did not start until I was 30, AFTER marriage and children.

Before you continue to mouth of with hurtful and inaccurate comments perhaps you could do a little research.

The problem is women are often massively financially dependent on their partners after having started a family and you can't depend on an abuser to be reasonable and provide maintenance

The violence and abuse (as far as I’m aware) didn’t start until after my mum was married

My mum was born in the 50’s. She never -
Had any qualifications (left school at 15)
Never had a bank account in her own name (I took her to open a bank account when I was 16)

For her generation it was drummed into them that - a) if you didn’t get married by 21 you would be ‘left on the shelf’
b) if you divorced you would damage the children
c) you didn’t go cap in hand to the state/claim benefits
d) being a single mum was heavily stigmatised and would lead to b)

My dad also made many threats that since she wouldn’t be able to house and earn enough money he would go to the court and get the kids and/or claim that she was an unfit mother /mentally unwell and get the kids. This was in the 90’s and for her the fear of not having her kids was real.

Despite the police being called many times to our house for DV incidents (which my mum would never press charges for) no one ever suggested my mum leaved or explained to how to leave or what support there may be

Abusive men have too many rights when it comes to custody. I wonder how much childcare these men actually do when with the mother, I'm guessing not 50%.

You would be surprised! I thought the same but as actually not all abusive men are what you consider incapable in fact many are extremely dangerously manipulative and also control the children and use them to further their abuse, some are clever narcissists who also have to have control of their control. Emotionally and financially Abusive , in good jobs and to the public appear fine person but the damage they cause to those closest around them breaks their spirit. Hard to prove though

Ooos sorry read when. It with mother but he’s you are right they don’t do the childcare but still control everything when with the mother. And God help those who leave with these types, it’s true they don’t stop and I can see why some stay. Mine is a nightmare to deal with and seriously conniving.it’s a massive worry what he will say and maybe do one day

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred

@Krampusnacht “The problem was that friends just couldn't equate this version of him to the version of him they knew, but then their friendship with him obviously were on a more casual basis than a marriage, so there was never any need for him to show them 'himself.”

THIS. My ex is a wonderful guy. Would do anything for anyone. Charming, charismatic, a big softie. Except if you express a need, challenge him in any way or ask can he please not do something deeply hurtful or upsetting. Then his true self comes out.

Also this! An angel in the street to acquaintances but a devil in the house

Abusive men have too many rights when it comes to custody
I have tried to argue my point about this on social service training courses I have been on over the years and there is a view about being a 'good enough parent' I have to say the bar is set very low to be seen as ' good enough'! The point thrown back at me is just because he is/ was abusive to the mother doesn't mean he is a bad father.
Bloody unbelievable!!!
It still gets me mad thinking about it!

Exactly. It doesn't show good character

@bibliomania

I can see why subjectively it may feel better to stay, but objectively that will rarely be the case. Abuse messes with your head, so it's hard to see straight.

Oh, I'm better off out. For sure.

My child is now abused to abuse me by proxy. Social workers and DV workers are horrified by what I report, they demand I "tell someone", then I get to enlighten them that the police and family court know all about it and deem it to be merely "different parenting styles".

So I'm out, bully for me. My baby's screwed.

Been there, Pics, and it was tough for years. I had a confused and unhappy child for a long time. But for most of the week, she was free of his influence. She got older and less confused. And at 12, she chose not to see him any more. She went through pain, as she would have if we stayed. I questioned myself whether I had made the right decision. But years down the line, yes, it was right.

What helped was the school making safeguarding reports independently of me. I could be seen as biased, but they weren't. Dd was 18 months old when I left, so it was a very long haul.