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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Living with my husband, child and parents...

26 replies

babyready · 19/11/2020 15:10

So the circumstances of this ridiculous year have meant my husband and I (and our 21 month old) are staying in my parents' motorhome, on their drive. We lived here before when our daughter was born and we were between houses, and the relationship between my dad and husband swiftly deteriorated. I am horrifically in the middle. In general, my dad is prissy, oversensitive and has ludicrously high expectations of my hubby. However, hubby is far from a Saint, and he falls into almost teenage behaviour, slumped over his phone barely engaging sometimes. I am exhausted from desperately trying to cover his slack with tidying after himself etc, and trying to excuse his behaviour. But today, my dad asked if anyone wanted a cup of tea, and he just didn't respond. Then my dad made a comment when he brought me my cuppa that he hadn't made one for hubby because he hadn't said anything. Hubby acted like my dad was being an idiot, saying he hadn't wanted one. Then when he tried to moan to me about my dad being funny, I said he should've thanked my dad for offer even if he didn't want one. Then he got really upset, saying he felt ganged up on and that I should take his side. But I thought he was rude!! So, am I being unreasonable?! Should I be honest about what I think of his behaviour, even though we are living in a really tricky situation for him? His solution is to leave, but that would cost more than we can afford right now. I am desperate to avoid more debt than is absolutely necessary. Guys, seriously, am I being unreasonable?!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/11/2020 15:15

Your husband sounds like an absolute twat. Tell him to leave, you can stay. It's shameful how rude your husband is being to your father.

PhlegmyHead · 19/11/2020 15:17

So your parents are allowing you to stay on their property long term - presumably for free - and your husband is acting like a spoilt teenager with them?

He needs to grow the fuck up, or pull his finger out and house his own family!

Ohalrightthen · 19/11/2020 15:18

In contrast, me, DH and baby DD are curreny living in my parents' house due to building work. My DH is bending over backwards to do small things with and for my parents to show his gratitude. Tea, beer, lawn mowing, shopping etc.

How old is your husband? He sounds incredibly juvenile.

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 19/11/2020 15:20

Ditch the husband so you only have one child to look after

DuzzyFuck · 19/11/2020 15:25

Your DH is being unreasonable for not being the one making the tea for the people that are housing himself, his Wife and his child.

Original poster
babyready · 19/11/2020 15:42

@Ohalrightten I think a lot of issues stem from the fact that we started this way (doing lots of things to help etc) last time we lived here, but nothing was ever good enough for my Dad, and he brought down DH a lot with criticisms and he ended up really depressed. This is typical of my dad, he can be really toxic. So even just being here is triggering DH, and I think he feels like there's no point if he's never going to be good enough. But I can't bear the behaviour slipping into objectively rude, even if I understand that it's very draining trying to keep up appearances 24/7.

OP posts:
Original poster
babyready · 19/11/2020 15:43

Also, I love mumsnet, you guys are so real and so blunt 😂👌❤️

OP posts:
PurpleMustang · 19/11/2020 16:05

To be honest they both need to grow up

Ukholidaysaregreat · 19/11/2020 16:10

Can you spend more time in the van? Have you got a tele so you can sit in your own space and make your own teas? Hope you get saved up soon. Sounds like a difficult situation.

Brefugee · 19/11/2020 16:11

sounds like a nightmare. Have you said to each of them that their behaviour is pathetic and affecting you badly?

PurpleMustang · 19/11/2020 16:12

From that one example it does make your husband look bad. And he needs to understand there is no excuse for being rude. But with your update your Dad also needs to back off. I doubt your Dad will be happy until he has driven your husband away. If this was the other way around people would be saying for you to not be rude but that your partner should see his parents are toxic and agree with you to move even if it does cost, to help save the relationship

Cheeseandwin5 · 19/11/2020 16:18

@babyready

Posters don't really need a reason to condemn a DH on here, so your drip feed of what has happened, will probably get more hysterical responses.
I do think people who stay with their Parents can be pretty blasé about how their partners are feeling. Staying at PIL, even if you are close to them, is totally different than staying with your own parents.
You need to have an honest conversation with your DH and see what options you two have. Maybe staying at his family.
I think if your DH is really unhappy at your family's than you need to think about it leaving- its not fair on him to have to put up with it. and be unhappy.

vanillandhoney · 19/11/2020 16:29

I am really torn here. Your husband's behaviour isn't great but living with my in-laws would drive me absolutely insane.

It's all very well people saying "oh, but they're letting you live there for free, your DH needs to be grateful" but living with the in-laws can make things really, really difficult and it's not something I would do unless my only other choice was to be homeless.

Living with my parents would be bad enough!

Newuser991 · 19/11/2020 16:34

[quote babyready]@Ohalrightten I think a lot of issues stem from the fact that we started this way (doing lots of things to help etc) last time we lived here, but nothing was ever good enough for my Dad, and he brought down DH a lot with criticisms and he ended up really depressed. This is typical of my dad, he can be really toxic. So even just being here is triggering DH, and I think he feels like there's no point if he's never going to be good enough. But I can't bear the behaviour slipping into objectively rude, even if I understand that it's very draining trying to keep up appearances 24/7.[/quote]
Your husband must feel really trapped, claustrophobic and miserable.

They are your parents not his and the child is their grandchild. Essentially DH is the outsider.

They act as if he can't do anything right so like your DH I would have stopped bothering to make an effort if it is not appreciated or criticised.

If your parents pay for everything I guess they have an opinion on everything too.

Enough of telling DH to house his family. Isthis the 1950s.

Both of you: why can't you house yourselves?!

Catmaiden · 19/11/2020 18:59

You lost me with your "lockdown is rediculous" comment, tbh.
Which bit of people getting sick, dying don't you understand?

Catmaiden · 19/11/2020 19:03

But yes, why are you relying on your parents? Why is it your DH job to house you all? Why is it not both of you working together, to look after your family?

Original poster
babyready · 19/11/2020 19:48

@catmaiden To be clear, I said the year was ridiculous, not lockdown. It's all awful, every bit of it.

And also @Newuser991 - we're both self employed in the entertainment industry, so we went from chocca with work lined up til next March, to nothing. SEISS doesn't help much because the assessment period crossed my maternity leave. And we're hoping to move to France, and are renovating a property there, but of course the renovation is on hold while we're indefinitely unemployed. We got away with camping there over the summer, but winter is too cold. Our only hope for our own place here would be council housing. We do have some ongoing commitments that make taking employment very difficult, and neither of us has managed to get a new job as yet.

Originally we were planning to split the time across both sets of very generous parents, but lockdown has made that impossible for now.

Thanks all for your insights and thoughts. Bloody old shitty time all round. ❤️

OP posts:
D4rwin · 19/11/2020 20:49

Can you lock them inside the motorhome until they get on?

Original poster
babyready · 19/11/2020 22:07

@D4rwin now THIS I like 🤣 Motorhome Death Match Live? I could make up for lost income on the subscriptions alone, I reckon.

OP posts:
BlankProfile · 20/11/2020 00:23

What kind of campervan do you have? misses the point of the thread

katy1213 · 20/11/2020 00:34

Your father is probably wondering how his daughter came to be married to a man who is unable to house his wife and family.
And your husband has no manners.

Newuser991 · 20/11/2020 08:43

@katy1213

Your father is probably wondering how his daughter came to be married to a man who is unable to house his wife and family. And your husband has no manners.
Is he not also wondering why his own daughter can't contribute to housing her family?

I feel as if I am 1950 reading some of these posts.

Women still think they marry have a baby and become a dependent themselves again

Audreyseyebrows · 20/11/2020 08:51

‘Your father is probably wondering how his daughter came to be married to a man who is unable to house his wife and family.
And your husband has no manners.
Is he not also wondering why his own daughter can't contribute to housing her family?

I feel as if I am 1950 reading some of these posts.

Women still think they marry have a baby and become a dependent themselves again’

This

MrDarcysMa · 20/11/2020 09:05

Tbh DH needs to grit his teeth, be the bigger man and grow up if your only other option is homelessness.
What commitments mean you can't take new jobs ? Surely feeding and housing your family come before commitments?

Nottherealslimshady · 20/11/2020 09:16

How much time do you spend in your parents house? Surely the motor home is more than just a bedroom so cant you reduce the time you go into their house?

I can see why both would be feeling unhappy with the situation. It's a lot to have another family in your house and I'd be pretty peed off that neither of you seem to be prioritising work or getting a proper place of your own. It does seem that your full solution is to live at your parents indefinitely.
But living with in laws must be hard and I would recede into myself and close up in that situation. But your husband is also being rude to the people putting a roof over his head which is pretty arrogant and stupid.
What's his plan for when your dad say "I'm sick of your attitude, get off my property"?

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