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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?

29 replies

Coolmum93 · 19/11/2020 12:50

I have a 20 month old daughter and co parenting with her father.She was a surprise baby (a pleasant one).When I found out I was pregnant her dad then said he had a girlfriend and a baby on the way.The kids sre 8 months apart.
When he told his girlfriend that he had another child after my DD was born his girlfriend left him and we got together.The cheating idiot then starting sleeping with his ex behind my back and she got pregnant again.Then they got back together!
We resumed co parenting and he still was being a sly idiot sending me inappropriate messages.His gf/ mother of other kids saw these messages and banned him from talking to me.She said all contact regarding child arrangements are to be made via the grandparents so that him and I are not in contact.I flat out refused as I feel its not in the best interests of my DD if he is having her without us communicating.
Am i being unreasonable? We are going to mediation to resolve this

OP posts:
3rdNamechange · 19/11/2020 13:04

No YANBU he's the cheater. She must be very insecure if she's worried about you. Just say you'll carry on communicating about your child.

ShitOnIt00 · 19/11/2020 13:08

Wow what a complicated situation! I'd say YANBU to need contact with him if he is looking after DD. He must be some amazing guy for you two to be fighting over him like this.

ElizaDeee · 19/11/2020 13:08

Maybe you can communicate through jezza Kyle from how on.

ElizaDeee · 19/11/2020 13:09

*now

Cocomarine · 19/11/2020 13:09

I’d save my money on mediation, and wait to do it when the third woman emerges 🤷🏻‍♀️
What an arsehole he is.

Yeah, his girlfriend is unreasonable to think it’s sensible or realistic for him to not speak to the mother of his child.

Doesn’t mean I don’t feel for her though. Part of me thinks - her choice. But I’m sure he’s spun her a load of shit.

I think, in mediation, you should be looking for a solution where contact between you both is direct, but limited, and completely open to her. None of that is your responsibility of course.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 19/11/2020 13:10

Wow what a prize he is.

BeesAnkles · 19/11/2020 13:11

Why does it bother you so much to make arrangements via the GPs? Do you still have feelings for him?

TimeToCloseTheDoor · 19/11/2020 13:12

No YANBU. His behaviour is not your problem.

I hope you’ve had an STI check?

Smallsteps88 · 19/11/2020 13:13

Erm she doesn’t get to tell you who you can talk to about yo it own child. You arrange contact with the child’s father. His girlfriend doesn’t get a say. Ignore her. If he doesn’t want to discuss contact with you then I guess he doesn’t get contact.

BoyTree · 19/11/2020 13:18

He's the problem - if she chooses to stay with him, then she will have to live with it. If he chooses to abide by the rules she has set for him then he risks his relationship with his child and the coparenting relationship that you currently have. Making arrangments through a third party is fine when there is abuse or danger involved, but in this situation, it seems to be focussing on the wrong problem.

Leaannb · 19/11/2020 13:20

@BeesAnkles

Why does it bother you so much to make arrangements via the GPs? Do you still have feelings for him?
Because the grandparents are not this she should not have to call her exes parents to give him a message about their child. They should not have to triangulation for the next 16 years.... Girlfriend needs to grow up and mind her business
ShinyGreenElephant · 19/11/2020 13:21

I would say if there's no communication then there's no contact, end of. He sounds absolutely vile, does he have a magic dick?

FlatulentSproutEater · 19/11/2020 13:26

That's all a bit Take a Break isn't it?

Original poster
Coolmum93 · 19/11/2020 13:46

It doesn't bother me in that sense I would quite happily never speak to him but its the fact of Chinese whispers and not having direct communication when someone is looking after my 20 month old.If something was to go wrong I wouldnt want that houng through various people in order to get the message

OP posts:
Original poster
Coolmum93 · 19/11/2020 13:51

He is not amazing,I wish I had a better father for my DD but its the hand I've been dealt

OP posts:
TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits · 19/11/2020 14:04

What a state this is, can only feel sorry for the poor children. You all need to grow up by the sounds of it.
How they come is how they go, OP. To think he wasn't going to cheat on you, after he cheated to be with you, was a silly, naive mistake.

I think, in the circumstances, making arrangements through GPs is one of the best ways to go. No arguing, no cross words.. just simple relaying of messages. Why is it that you don't feel comfortable with this?

TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits · 19/11/2020 14:05

@Coolmum93

It doesn't bother me in that sense I would quite happily never speak to him but its the fact of Chinese whispers and not having direct communication when someone is looking after my 20 month old.If something was to go wrong I wouldnt want that houng through various people in order to get the message
It's his child too. Not just yours. If he's a capable father, and you're happy for him to have access, the contact whilst she's with him should be minimal anyway.
TheStripes · 19/11/2020 14:12

What a mess all round. For your DD’s sake, I would do things through the grandparents and be grateful I wasn’t having to deal with him so much. However, I would agree that all emergency communication was related directly (both ways) although the likelihood of that ever being needed should be very low.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/11/2020 14:59

Yeah, he's the problem

Can't believe you two are daft enough to have passed him back and forth Grin - can't you just go through her to arrange things?

She's there isn't she ?

LadyEloise · 19/11/2020 15:46

There's a case just adjudicated in Ireland where a stepmother has been jailed for two short years for the ( awful ) abuse of her stepdaughter from the age of 6 to 16.
She was terrified to speak out. Eventually she told her mother and they went to the police, who were very good.

Whatever your decision, be careful your dd isn't victimised for what happened between the three of you adults.

lanthanum · 19/11/2020 16:10

He's with her now? Have you accepted that or are you still interested in him beyond childcare arrangements?

I'm just wondering whether you and the other woman can agree that the two of you do the liaising on childcare arrangements and leave him out of it. It's probably more practical than going via grandparents, and if you and she are in regular contact, perhaps he's less likely to think he can play you off against each other.

However that does rather depend on whether you and she can put the past behind you and work together.

Original poster
Coolmum93 · 19/11/2020 16:11

@LadyEloise

There's a case just adjudicated in Ireland where a stepmother has been jailed for two short years for the ( awful ) abuse of her stepdaughter from the age of 6 to 16. She was terrified to speak out. Eventually she told her mother and they went to the police, who were very good.

Whatever your decision, be careful your dd isn't victimised for what happened between the three of you adults.

I am worried about this as his gf has already been to my house abusing me and she has sent me vile messages for over a year which I ignore.She has even said DD DD isn't welcome and the sooner we both get out of her life the better.Ex says its all angry talk and there is nothing to it but I cant help worrying.She is already got a record of domestic violence in front of her children
OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 19/11/2020 16:13

Op you can’t let your DD be near that woman!! Seriously! Listen to these warning signs!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/11/2020 16:15

Ignoring the ridiculousness of the situation- yanbu to not liaise with the grandparents, he’s the parent.
Ensure he’s paying for his child and if he wants to see her he needs to initiate contact- and dear god won’t touch him with a barge pole!

TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits · 19/11/2020 17:39

Talk about a drip feed...