AIBU to have no sympathy for cheaters?

cheetodevito · 2020-11-18T23:45:45+00:00

Inspired by a thread I'm sure many of you are reading now, but this is a more general topic. Unless your significant other is abusive or in a coma with no chance of waking up (or something to that extent), it's not acceptable to cheat and you'll get your just desserts. Am I wrong?

user1473878824 · 19/11/2020 00:24

Do you really think someone is coming to come on and say “oh I think cheaters are brilliant!”?

MashedSweetSpud · 19/11/2020 01:47

Judging by the other thread I think a couple will.

ReneeRol · 19/11/2020 02:12

I think it depends. If there's been no sex for five plus years but you still want to stay married to the person, then a very discreet sex only relationship on the side with someone who has no association with your spouse, wouldn't be a bad thing. It would support a marriage that would otherwise fall apart.

I don't think a one night stand on a business trip or stag party is much to get fussed about either as long as it's discreet. That's not going to go anywhere.

I think there are some forgivable scenarios.

Cheating's unforgiveable when you're making a fool out of your partner in front of others or gaslighting them by pretending someone's just a friend. When you're bringing someone into your spouses life, you're rubbing it in their face and that's despicable.

And my first two paragraphs proved MashedSweetSpud right...

Oalsain · 19/11/2020 05:53

I cheated on my ex to try get him to hate me (I was young and stupid).
I had previously ended it with him - many times. But he always managed to keep me in his life by manipulating me to feel bad for him (pretended he had cancer).
It didn’t work, it just made his behaviour worse.
But I guess that was an abusive relationship and that was one of your exceptions.

Moistmolly · 19/11/2020 06:11

Oh, I think cheaters are brilliant!

Pumpertrumper · 19/11/2020 06:20

No, never ok.

Any excuses offered that try to make it seem ‘reasonable’ are simply reasons it would have been acceptable to leave the relationship at an earlier date.

‘No sex in years’- You should have left
‘Nothing in common’- You should have left

As a married women with fully merged finances and small children I do understand why couples who aren’t happy stay together but it’s still a choice. Even if you have to stay in the same home for financial reasons you can have an understanding with your spouse that you are ‘separated and able to see others outside the home’ it’s about open communication and respect.

‘Cheating’ requires one half of a couple to feel they’ve been wronged, let down and taken for a fool. It requires one party being screwed over. There is no situation where that happens and it’s ok.

IceFrost · 19/11/2020 06:27

@Moistmolly

Oh, I think cheaters are brilliant!

Same

SarahBellam · 19/11/2020 06:27

What if he’s secretly gay and only married you as a cover?

NameChChChChChanges · 19/11/2020 06:37

It's easy to think that if you're completely black and white in your thinking. But people make mistakes and people are flawed and people do all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons. I'm not going to say people that cheat are brilliant (obviously), just that there are complexities within relationships that we don't all understand.

HugeAckmansWife · 19/11/2020 06:42

So it's a mistake and flawed..ie wrong.

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 19/11/2020 06:57

There are loads of reasons why people cheat and some are in my opinion understandable

Why do so many let their insecurities cloud judgement on other people’s lives

There are far far worse things people can do than have sex with someone who isn’t their partner/husband/wife

CakeRequired · 19/11/2020 07:02

@NameChChChChChanges

So which flaw or mistake are you in sympathy of? You can't use abuse or medical reasons as op has excluded those.

Say your husband or partner cheated on you. His reasoning is that you haven't been paying him enough attention or giving him enough sex, so he just had to fall on top of the neighbour. Would you forgive him?

That's generally the top most used reason. Are there others you would forgive?

HugeAckmansWife · 19/11/2020 07:06

It's flawed, a mistake, wrong. However, that doesn't go hand in hand with the cheater being the devil incarnate. I have both done it and been cheated on and it's bloody awful. Short of long term, incapacitated illness, there's no justifying it, but depending on circumstances it can be understood and the person not hung out to dry forevermore. There's nuance in everything, but that doesn't mean it's not fundamentally wrong.

ShinyGreenElephant · 19/11/2020 07:16

I cheated as a teenager. I was in a relationship with a close friend who was quite a bit older (I was 17 he was 22) and who was becoming increasingly possessive and controlling, but in a way that made me feel like I was the one in the wrong for wanting to live my life and have fun - I didnt see until after that his behaviour was wrong, I just felt smothered and panicky in the relationship. I ended up sleeping with another close friend (now my DH although it was another 10 years before we got together!) and it got me out of the relationship I didn't want to be in, albeit in a messy, upsetting way.

Now I'm not saying that it was the right way to go about it, its certainly not how I'd handle it as an adult and I've always felt shit about it - it took me ages to feel my DH really trusted me because I always worried he would see me as a cheater because I cheated on him - I also don't think it makes me a nasty person. It was just a stupid way to handle feelings I didn't understand at the time. I've never cheated since and never would.

ShinyGreenElephant · 19/11/2020 07:18

*because I cheated WITH him

SpillingTheTea · 19/11/2020 07:21

I don't agree it's ever a mistake. They know what they are doing.

DrManhattan · 19/11/2020 07:28

Its only a 'mistake ' when they get caught or dumped.

PrincessNutNut · 19/11/2020 07:30

Affairs are never right, nor all the same, nor the only way to ruin a marriage. It depends on context.

There's a poster on here whose ex was violent, abusive and threatened to kill her animals, but she was the bad guy because after all this, she slept with someone else.

PrincessNutNut · 19/11/2020 07:32

Sorry, hit post too soon. There's also a poster whose ex cheated on her for years while she was caring for their children with special needs, abandoned them all with no care, and he and the OW have since abused her at every turn and been absolute arseholes.

Are these situations comparable? They both cheated...

CakeRequired · 19/11/2020 07:35

@PrincessNutNut

I never understand the abusive ones to be honest. Why risk your own life whole with an abuser by sleeping with someone else? You know they are abusive, the likelihood is and has happened is that if they find out (and being so controlling means they are likely to find out) they may kill you for it. It's a high risk to take around someone so explosive.

PrincessNutNut · 19/11/2020 07:41

[quote CakeRequired]@PrincessNutNut

I never understand the abusive ones to be honest. Why risk your own life whole with an abuser by sleeping with someone else? You know they are abusive, the likelihood is and has happened is that if they find out (and being so controlling means they are likely to find out) they may kill you for it. It's a high risk to take around someone so explosive.[/quote]
I could write a book about why women tend not to leave abusive relationships, but others already have. Suffice to say, it's complicated and very, very difficult to do. But my view is that if someone is a risk to your life, you're really not the bad guy if you get love, affection and maybe survival strength elsewhere.

It's just not as simple as that, much like many affairs. Yes, some cheaters are horrible, selfish, absolutely awful people. Definitely. But this idea that something as complex as human relationships can always be distilled down to exactly the same thing in every conceivable situation? That doesn't square with what I've seen of it.

I have never had an affair, though I have had a little experience of casual/open relationships, a long time ago.

Winterwoo · 19/11/2020 07:48

I don’t think there’s ever an excuse for cheating. I was cheated on while I was pregnant with my 1st (planned) child. While I got over the person quite quickly as they were so awful once the cheating started, I never really got over the experience.
All my friends say I am a resilient person but it has really affected me, i moved on with the most wonderful partner but I still have anxiety which I never had before, I just feel like I am not as nice a person as I was before it happened and my outlook on the world is different.
I always say if a person wants to cheat they should have left the relationship first, but my ex would say he wasn’t unhappy - it just doesn’t make sense

Stillfunny · 19/11/2020 07:58

Until it happens to you , you have no idea ofthe devastation it causes. If you want to be with someone else besides your partner , TELL them. Then they can make a choice. But it is the lies and deception that is so cruel. It leads to the person cheated on with a mistrust and wariness of everything else in their lives.

IamTomHanks · 19/11/2020 08:01

I think the world is a lot of shades of grey. Some cheaters are scum, some are acting in a way that they might not under other circumstances, some should receive nothing but empathy and understanding. It's hardly a one size fits all scenario.

S00LA · 19/11/2020 08:03

I agree OP - any reason that’s enough to cheat is enough to leave the marriage.