Page 2 | AIBU to have no sympathy for cheaters?

ShopTattsyrup · 19/11/2020 08:30

Many years ago when I was in my late teens/early twenties I accidentally became "the other woman" in what I suppose was an emotional affair. I was young and naive, he was an older man at work. At the time I genuinely thought he was just friendly, I was used to having mates my own age always texting and messaging each other etc. It didn't occur to me at the time that he was a man with a wife who was confiding far more than he should be to me etc.

Having met his wife at a works christmas do however I soon realised what was happening when I realised that they were just two very very different people, she worked away during the week, they had drifted apart etc. etc. I think he was just a lonely man in his 40s.

I don't condone his actions in the slightest! But I could see how and understand why he engaged with me in that way.

BlueThistles · 19/11/2020 08:36

What other thread 😱 darn and blast it 🤔

PrincessNutNut · 19/11/2020 08:46

@BlueThistles

What other thread 😱 darn and blast it 🤔

This one, I assume. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4083181-To-think-Camilla-should-be-queen

Lightsontbut · 19/11/2020 08:59

It's emotionally abusive to cheat on someone IMHO. We don't now excuse physical abuse and we should stop excusing emotional abuse. Even a one night stand is abusive and highly selfish. If you want sex outside the marriage for any reason this should be discussed with your OH so they can make a choice for themselves (be that to accept it, leave the marriage, whatever). When you cheat on someone you risk fundamentally and permanently damaging their ability to trust others. It's a horrible thing to do and I've no time for excusers. It's cowardice at best. I agree with your exceptions though.

Winterwoo · 19/11/2020 09:19

@Lightsontbut

It's emotionally abusive to cheat on someone IMHO. We don't now excuse physical abuse and we should stop excusing emotional abuse. Even a one night stand is abusive and highly selfish. If you want sex outside the marriage for any reason this should be discussed with your OH so they can make a choice for themselves (be that to accept it, leave the marriage, whatever). When you cheat on someone you risk fundamentally and permanently damaging their ability to trust others. It's a horrible thing to do and I've no time for excusers. It's cowardice at best. I agree with your exceptions though.

I totally agree with this, emotional abuse very often goes along with the cheating - gaslighting blame shifting etc

BlueThistles · 19/11/2020 09:22

Aahh thank you 😂

Original poster

cheetodevito · 19/11/2020 09:25

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4083434-relationship-with-married-man-for-a-year-now-what

It was actually as a response to reading this thread, but this is more a generalised thread about cheating so it's not a prerequisite to read

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 19/11/2020 09:35

@PrincessNutNut I agree it doesn’t make sense to cheat on an abusive partner but then why we’ve stayed for so long it necessarily logical either. I’m not saying it was right but I felt so trapped and desperate and when he found out I hoped he might end the relationship. It wasn’t until more than a year later just before I left that I ever thought there was a risk to my life as that’s not how your mind works in these situations; you think you can change the person or make it better in some way.

user1493413286 · 19/11/2020 09:36

I don’t think cheating is ever ok but as I get older I can see that life is complex and not black and white even with cheating

iwantmysay · 19/11/2020 09:38

it's not acceptable to cheat and you'll get your just desserts

mmmm i cheated, i was in a long distance relationship and started spending time with someone i had had a crush on since a teenager, eventually started seeing each other, dumped each other partners and we both couldn't have been happier, we had a child, bought a house together, planning on baby no2 and my life was complete.

Then he died in an accident.

Real life isn't always so black and white, so no i do not think i got my just desserts.

PrincessNutNut · 19/11/2020 09:40

[quote user1493413286]@PrincessNutNut I agree it doesn’t make sense to cheat on an abusive partner but then why we’ve stayed for so long it necessarily logical either. I’m not saying it was right but I felt so trapped and desperate and when he found out I hoped he might end the relationship. It wasn’t until more than a year later just before I left that I ever thought there was a risk to my life as that’s not how your mind works in these situations; you think you can change the person or make it better in some way.[/quote]
I think you meant to direct this to the other poster. I know it can be almost impossible to leave an abusive relationship and I'm not judging you.

Lasttraintolondon · 19/11/2020 09:50

Good people do bad things and bad people do good things.

If you want a reductionist view of the world where everyone is either a hero or a pantomime villan, then cheating is always bad and cheaters are always wicked people who will get their punishment.

Real life is less straight forward. It usually causes a lot of hurt. It's usually a very bad idea. It's also fairly normal human behaviour, and you can't deny this fact because it happens so much. That's not apologising for it - it's a simple observable fact. I don't have the answers here, but demonising millions of people probably doesn't get to the root cause.

I've known decent people who have cheated. I don't think they should be defined forever by this one act.

As an aside, I also think the debate is massively biased against women. There are countries in the world where women still get the death penalty for this. We view this as outrageous, but still talk about how 'evil' the OW is in an affair.

minipie · 19/11/2020 09:51

If you want sex outside the marriage for any reason this should be discussed with your OH so they can make a choice for themselves (be that to accept it, leave the marriage, whatever).

Agree with this.

Sometimes a married person wants to have sex with someone else. In a (very) few of those scenarios I might have some sympathy with that.

But what is never justified is doing it in secret and lying about it to your spouse.

Original poster

cheetodevito · 19/11/2020 09:53

For clarification, I said it's not acceptable to cheat - not that you are going to be a horrible person for the rest of your life, or a "pantomime villain". But if you cheat or participate in cheating, you are not the victim and the act in itself is an immoral one.

OP posts:

PrincessNutNut · 19/11/2020 10:01

But if you cheat or participate in cheating, you are not the victim

But you see...there are some times when you are. Like if your husband hits you, withholds money and threatens to kill your animals.

I dislike these conversations because there will always be betrayed spouses reading who think I'm defending their cheating partners and saying infidelity is fine. I'm not. I'm just saying that in the wide sphere of human relationships, it is really, really simplistic to say all affairs can be judged in the exact same way with no consideration for individual context. And to go on to say that you can always judge a person's entire character from their worst choices, again with no regards for context.

It's a bit more complicated than that.

GrandUnion · 19/11/2020 10:01

To be perfectly honest, I would find DH having an affair considerably easier to forgive than much of the behaviour which comes up so regularly on the Relationships forum as to appear to be considered normal.

Original poster

cheetodevito · 19/11/2020 10:03

But you see...there are some times when you are. Like if your husband hits you, withholds money and threatens to kill your animals.

Indeed. Which I already mentioned in my OP. - Unless your significant other is abusive or in a coma with no chance of waking up (or something to that extent)

OP posts:

ThursdayLastWeek · 19/11/2020 10:05

Yes I totally agree. Cheaters are not the devil incarnate. There’s sometimes 'a good reason'.

But I still don’t have sympathy for them. It’s the ultimate you-made-your-bed.

ZolaGrey · 19/11/2020 10:07

I think some people make mistakes and learn from them. I don't think you can tar everybody who has cheated with the same brush.

PrincessNutNut · 19/11/2020 10:12

@cheetodevito

But you see...there are some times when you are. Like if your husband hits you, withholds money and threatens to kill your animals.

Indeed. Which I already mentioned in my OP. - Unless your significant other is abusive or in a coma with no chance of waking up (or something to that extent)

I still think you are oversimplifying a very complicated sphere with many, many possible sets of circumstances. Forsaking all others is only one of the traditional vows.

What is the worst thing you've ever done? You don't need to say it, just think of it. Would it be fair to judge your entire character based on it?

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 19/11/2020 10:20

Why does this subject create such angst and annoyance on MN why the need to feel so morally superior over other people unless you are personally involved

What is it to you if Bob from number 10 is having sex with Rita from number 23 for all you know their partners maybe also seeing other people but they all are still happy or comfortable and have no desire to split up

And yes have been cheated on and been the one cheated I’m well aware of pain caused but that’s for me to deal with not project on to others

Brefugee · 19/11/2020 10:23

Oh i think i know the answer: it's ok if they are 2nd in line to the throne?

There is always nuance in people's lives. There's that woman in her 60s (I think) who wants to divorce her husband, they have lived apart for the required 2 years separation but he won't divorce her (she says he has unreasonable behaviour) so she has to wait the full 5 years. If she had a bit on the side I'd find that entirely reasonable.

If they're in a coma? difficult but since they can't consent to divorce, also understandable and I'd not be judgy.

Affairs in general can get in the sea.

BobbyBlonde · 19/11/2020 10:44

Meh, I cheated on my husband the week before I left him. He doesn't know, he doesn't need to know, and it is by far not the worst thing I could have done. The relationship was shit, and the act itself forced me to do what I hadn't been brave enough to do before and end the marriage. We now get on a well and we are raising our DC in a healthier environment separated than we were together.

There was no emotional involvement with the guy I cheated with, he was a lot younger than me and I was just really sexually attracted to him.

I know I sound blase about it, but that's because it really isn't a big deal.

Wannabegreenfingers · 19/11/2020 11:23

Life is never black and white. I'd listen to both sides of the story. This is from someone who's husband is now living with the OW.

Your post comes across as very judgy.

celticmissey · 20/11/2020 21:14

All cheaters have a mouth! They need to put their big pants on and communicate their unhappiness instead of walking all over a person's feelings and no there is never a reasonable excuse in my eyes.