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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let him go?

45 replies

Moocheese · 18/11/2020 21:58

Involved with a newish man (11 weeks) Lots of conversation. We've met face to face. Lots of chatting through messages etc whilst we are in lockdown. We've met for a walk since lockdown once.

Out of nowhere on sunday he just vanished. Didn't answer my message. After six hours I messaged him to ask if he was ok as it was very odd. No answer. He went on Facebook that evening briefly. No message. I left it but thought the fact he was logging into Facebook meant he was choosing to not speak. Then in the morning he said he just was feeling sorry for himself and went to bed. Told me how much he liked me and he only ever wants to make me happy.

I had been worried all night because it was so out of character and I'll be honest it made me feel unsure about him. I am not a pest but communication is important. It takes ten seconds to say I'm having a rest will speak tomorrow. I felt like he couldn't be that bothered about me to just ignore me.

Anyhow the last few days I feel we've been great. We've got closer. He sent me family photos and told me things about his past last night on the phone. Sent me some songs to listen too.

He messaged me at 2pm this afternoon to say I was in his head. got home at teatime. I asked if he wanted a night to himself. He said no don't go. Then out of nowhere he's done it again. I replied back to ask a question. He's disappeared. 5 hours later now and nothing.

I know he's battled depression and stopped drinking 4 months ago. I don't know him in that way much yet. But we've spoke a little about it. It sounds like he was in and out of hospital until June to get help. But he works full time and seems very in control on a day to day basis.

Anyway I'm sat here tonight thinking I don't have the energy for this behaviour. I like him alot. I feel I've fallen for him. He has said very similar things to me and last night he was being so interesting and full of chat. But tonight he's gone completely empty on Me. I'm not a constant texter and have given him tons of space. I often let him text me first in the mornings.

I just can't handle these sudden cut offs. They do make me feel anxious. It's the not knowing if he's going through something or if he's decided he just isnt sure about me. he was so apologetic on Monday I'm shocked he's done it again.

Tonight I'm thinking It has to end here. I need to protect myself as I can feel I'm struggling with this part of things.

What would you do in this situation?

As I've said I don't expect constant messages. But I expect communication such as, I'm shattered but will ring tomorrow. Or im going to relax tonight but speak in the morning.

OP posts:
greyhills · 18/11/2020 22:11

If he's had depression in the past and only recently stopped drinking, he probably isn't ready for a relationship with anybody at the moment.

Seafog · 18/11/2020 22:14

If you are worried by waiting 5 hours for a reply, then he is not the one for you. He may not be in a place yet where he can be that on call for you.

JorisBonson · 18/11/2020 22:14

Is it really worth it after only 11 weeks, with a man you've met once?

Palavah · 18/11/2020 22:16

I think you're being a bit intense tbh. I would find it exhausting if someone expected me to account for my whereabouts every couple of hours.

i often let him text me first in the mornings - meaning most mornings you text him before he texts you.

I realise lockdown means there are fewer reasons someone couldn't be on their phone but it's not healthy for us to be glued to them all the time - and i say that as someone who spends far too much time with my phone in my hand

Pollynextdoor · 18/11/2020 22:18

I often don’t reply to texts for hours and sometimes days even from DH

JorisBonson · 18/11/2020 22:18

I think you're being a bit intense tbh. I would find it exhausting if someone expected me to account for my whereabouts every couple of hours.

Agree. Me and DH aren't even like that (he wouldn't be DH if he was).

dontgobaconmyheart · 18/11/2020 22:19

I think you're over romanticising his behaviour to be honest OP. Are you prone to low self esteem? It just sounds like some normal chatting and a lot of immature behaviours and red flags from him that aren't very appealing.

You deserve better than to start something where somebody elses behaviour (that they are choosing to inflict and are responsible entirely for), is making you feel anxious and insecure. He sounds like he needs to work on himself and his problems and I would steer well clear. Do not fall into the trap of feeling sorry for him because of his personal life, you don't really know him well enough to feel he has turned it around or decide that speaks well of him. Judge by what you have, and that seems to make you feel shit.

GreenlandTheMovie · 18/11/2020 22:20

None of this would bother me but it bothers you, cand thars what counts.

I'm fact, I'd actually like it - I can't stand men who text all the time. And some if them can be very clingy. So if being constantly texted is what you want, there are certainly men out there who will give you it.

BeesAnkles · 18/11/2020 22:28

A good rule of thumb for these things is to ignore what he says and pay attention to what he does. Men are great at promising the world, telling you how they see a future with you, etc, but how do his actions make you feel? If you're already feeling insecure and worried, this really isn't the guy for you.

Anyway, do you really want to get involved with a depressed alcoholic?

Putthegasfireon · 18/11/2020 22:33

@Pollynextdoor

I often don’t reply to texts for hours and sometimes days even from DH
Bit different if you're married and living together though.

I'm with you, OP. It takes seconds for him to reply or just say he needs a bit of space for a while and he'll talk in a couple of days. For context, I got involved with someone similar who was full on with texting at the start, then disappear when he felt like it (it was a ldr, so being in contact was important as we didn't see each other often). The he'd come back and be full on again. It was all on his terms. My guy also had anxiety and I wish I'd paid attention at the start and not bothered.

If you don't need that level of communication, it's fine, but it's perfectly ok if you do too. Personally, it would be a red flag for me these days at the start of relationship, I think.

user1471565182 · 18/11/2020 22:33

Yeah I think you're being a bit intense as well, including the over the top language about it. Just calm it down a bit. Find out a bit more, if you dont like what you find then end it. Being in contact every few hours would be unbreable for most people.

SweetCruciferous · 18/11/2020 22:39

I think you sound rather high maintenance – you’re chatting constantly but if he goes off the radar for a mere 5 hours you’re anxious?

Maybe he fell asleep, maybe someone rang – I’d say it’s more unusual to expect constant unwavering access to someone, at any point in a relationship, let alone 11 weeks.

BlueThistles · 18/11/2020 22:39

it really shouldn't be this hard this early... find someone you don't need to fix..... WALK AWAY Flowers

Newuser991 · 18/11/2020 22:43

What does he do for work if he has been able to keep it through alockdown and being in and out of hospital due to alcoholism?

DrManhattan · 18/11/2020 22:43

He sounds like he's got a lot on. I would leave it. If he's being inconsiderate after 11 weeks wtf will he be like in 5 years.

BillysMyBunny · 18/11/2020 23:07

5 hours isn’t an unreasonable time to go without texting someone and it’s easy to get caught up in other things and not manage to write a text. I’ve got depression and sometimes if I’m having a bad day I definitely find constant texts/ messages draining and ignore them from people until I’m feeling more up to replying. It’s not like he’s going AWOL for days, he’s entitled to a few hours where he doesn’t reply and he doesn’t need to account for his whereabouts and tell you he’s going to a bed etc beforehand. Sorry but I think your expectations are too high.

BlueThistles · 18/11/2020 23:15

Again.... it shouldn't be THIS bloody hard in the early days ... you cannot fix depression... walk away 🌺

Calyx72 · 18/11/2020 23:16

Depression and alcohol. I would run for the hills. You don't have the energy for his behaviour now. It won't improve. You deserve better Thanks

OrigamiOwl · 19/11/2020 00:02

Dropping in and dropping out seems very common with OLD. It's a turn off for me... It takes seconds to send a text, to stop the other person worrying either something has happened or they've done something wrong. It's too much like dancing to the droppee's tune.

Newuser991 · 19/11/2020 07:31

I wouldn't count 5 hours in one day as dropping off though.

If someone can't last 5 hours without worrying about hearing from someone then that is matter for them.

I would start to worry after about 2 days

BlueThistles · 19/11/2020 07:41

Im not sure the 5 hours is the issue.... its the 'depression/alcohol' that would be my concern 🌺

Newuser991 · 19/11/2020 07:56

@BlueThistles

Im not sure the 5 hours is the issue.... its the 'depression/alcohol' that would be my concern 🌺
Absolutely. I'm currently entangled with someone with those issues but that's something I cannot be arsed to make a thread about as I already know what the replies will be.
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 19/11/2020 08:05

sounds a bit claustrophobic if you're this desperate to know his whereabouts every hour of the day after a couple of months of knowing him, or for you to be assessing "out of character".
I'd be walking away if I was him.
TBH, your behaviour is not my idea of giving someone "tons of space" - it sounds quite needy.

user1493494961 · 19/11/2020 08:11

I agree with pp, the 'depression/alcohol' would also be my concern. It sounds like hard work further down the line.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 19/11/2020 08:15

Also, if someone had posted the reverse on here, new relationship, BF calling/stalking on FB to check whereabouts if out of touch for more than a couple of hours, texting to check up every morning - I think a lot of posters would be saying red flag, huge control issues.

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