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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let him go?

45 replies

Moocheese · 18/11/2020 21:58

Involved with a newish man (11 weeks) Lots of conversation. We've met face to face. Lots of chatting through messages etc whilst we are in lockdown. We've met for a walk since lockdown once.

Out of nowhere on sunday he just vanished. Didn't answer my message. After six hours I messaged him to ask if he was ok as it was very odd. No answer. He went on Facebook that evening briefly. No message. I left it but thought the fact he was logging into Facebook meant he was choosing to not speak. Then in the morning he said he just was feeling sorry for himself and went to bed. Told me how much he liked me and he only ever wants to make me happy.

I had been worried all night because it was so out of character and I'll be honest it made me feel unsure about him. I am not a pest but communication is important. It takes ten seconds to say I'm having a rest will speak tomorrow. I felt like he couldn't be that bothered about me to just ignore me.

Anyhow the last few days I feel we've been great. We've got closer. He sent me family photos and told me things about his past last night on the phone. Sent me some songs to listen too.

He messaged me at 2pm this afternoon to say I was in his head. got home at teatime. I asked if he wanted a night to himself. He said no don't go. Then out of nowhere he's done it again. I replied back to ask a question. He's disappeared. 5 hours later now and nothing.

I know he's battled depression and stopped drinking 4 months ago. I don't know him in that way much yet. But we've spoke a little about it. It sounds like he was in and out of hospital until June to get help. But he works full time and seems very in control on a day to day basis.

Anyway I'm sat here tonight thinking I don't have the energy for this behaviour. I like him alot. I feel I've fallen for him. He has said very similar things to me and last night he was being so interesting and full of chat. But tonight he's gone completely empty on Me. I'm not a constant texter and have given him tons of space. I often let him text me first in the mornings.

I just can't handle these sudden cut offs. They do make me feel anxious. It's the not knowing if he's going through something or if he's decided he just isnt sure about me. he was so apologetic on Monday I'm shocked he's done it again.

Tonight I'm thinking It has to end here. I need to protect myself as I can feel I'm struggling with this part of things.

What would you do in this situation?

As I've said I don't expect constant messages. But I expect communication such as, I'm shattered but will ring tomorrow. Or im going to relax tonight but speak in the morning.

OP posts:

Meruem · 19/11/2020 08:22

I think people are being a bit unfair putting it on the OP for being “intense”. The guy said he wanted to chat that night but then just disappeared, OP even said to him “do you want a night to yourself?” And he said no. Then he just disappears mid conversation. Sorry but that’s downright rude and not the fault of the OP.

OP, I have encountered men like this. They keep you dangling on a string, dancing to their tune and it doesn’t get any better. Always keep in mind that any relationship should make you feel good and lift you up. Not bring you down and make you unhappy. Especially not so early on.

chilling19 · 19/11/2020 08:27

He's drinking again. Run for the hills.

x2boys · 19/11/2020 08:28

Very different @Pollynextdoor, I have been with my Dh 16 years ,if he doesn't answer his phone or message me back for a while I just assume he hasn't seen it or his phone is turned off and know he'll phone me when he sees it ,with a very new relationship ,people are often unsure how the other person feels ,.

BlueThistles · 19/11/2020 08:48

I have been with my Dh 16 years ,if he doesn't answer his phone or message me back for a while I just assume he hasn't seen it or his phone is turned off and know he'll phone me when he sees it ,with a very new relationship ,people are often unsure how the other person

this is a marriage.. a relationship.. a partnership... 🌺

MacbookHo · 19/11/2020 09:04

I expect communication such as, I'm shattered but will ring tomorrow. Or im going to relax tonight but speak in the morning.

Why?

Because otherwise you’re on stand-by and can’t focus on anything else?

Or because you feel he should account for how he’s spending his time?

DrDetriment · 19/11/2020 09:07

At this stage worry about him not replying after 5 days, not 5 hours. OP you sound very needy and high maintenance, asking if he's ok after not hearing from him for a few hours. You don't sound like a good match with your anxiety and his depression.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 19/11/2020 09:10

I felt claustrophobic just reading that.

After a couple of months he shouldn't have to explain taking a break from texting for a few hours.

It sounds like you're both on different pages here, probably better to cut your losses now than hang around and hope he will change.

Laiste · 19/11/2020 09:45

I get it OP. His pattern of behaviour keeps changing and it makes it a bit of a head fuck.

What everyone else considers a normal or sensible level of contact, or what they do or what they like is not the point. The point is some days he's one way some day's he another and he's not consistent. That's what the problem is. You're trying to go with it and he keeps moving the goalposts.

So the up and down of it is it's not fun for you and it's too early on for it to be that way so back away now before he causes any more stress/hurt.

As an aside; me and DH were as intense as fuck texting all times of the day and night every day for months. We both freely admitted it was a bit barmy and intense but were both happy like it and it is/was no one else's buisiness.15 years on (married with a DC) we still text or ring each other twice at least during the working day.

Good luck OP

musicalfrog · 19/11/2020 09:51

Your relationship has to work for YOU, so anybody else's tolerance for contact doesn't matter really.

Agree with @Laiste

loobyloo1234 · 19/11/2020 10:01

After 11 weeks, I think you sound very intense OP. Maybe he fell asleep. Maybe he didnt. But 5 hours between texts doesnt seem like much to me. Obviously if thats not good enough for you, then walk away now but I dont see it as a huge issue

SarahAndQuack · 19/11/2020 10:08

I clicked 'YABU' because I think if the situation is exactly as you say in your OP, you are struggling with an adult relationship. It is not normal to become this anxious about someone not texting you for a few hours, especially when you can see they're perfectly fine (eg., they've been on facebook) and they respond in a totally normal manner by explaining they wanted an early night.

However, I suppose it's possible there's something you're not quite articulating that is making you so jumpy. You mention his depression/alcoholism, and I wonder if you're actually just not comfortable taking on a relationship with someone who has big issues. That's nothing to be ashamed of. You do not have to have bandwidth to take on everyone else's troubles. If it's too much, just say so and cut the strings.

You never owe anyone a relationship.

If you really do think you like him, I'd say sit him down and talk calmly. Explain you are someone who likes to be in constant contact. I think, to be honest, that you probably also need to acknowledge this is an anxious and unusual behaviour, and you shouldn't make it his problem. But, if he likes you back, he may be fine with it. He may be able to agree he'll change his habits of when to text you, now he knows it is something important to you. If he won't, or he can't, that's when you decide you're not compatible.

SarahAndQuack · 19/11/2020 10:11

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

Also, if someone had posted the reverse on here, new relationship, BF calling/stalking on FB to check whereabouts if out of touch for more than a couple of hours, texting to check up every morning - I think a lot of posters would be saying red flag, huge control issues.

I do agree with this, but I would say, the reason people would call it (sorry to be grim) is that men who stalk women are often dangerous, and women who obsess over men are much more rarely so.

I think it is a concern, but it doesn't to me sound controlling so much as that the OP has persuaded herself her pattern of behaviour can be normalised and she's hoping for reassurance there.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/11/2020 10:15

In and out of hospital and stopped drinking 4 months ago? I don't think he sounds ready for dating tbh.

Redfacedxo · 19/11/2020 10:21

I think you sound anxious OP to do with your attachment patterns perhaps?
I used to be like this, I was a bit stifling to DH at first because I was excited I really liked him but also I was anxious if he liked me or not whether it would work.
I've calmed down and you can too, detach from the outcome have hobbies other interests it might work out it might not but you will have a fulfilling enough life to be happy either way.

Redfacedxo · 19/11/2020 10:22

Also the drinking and depression maybe he's not far along enough in recovery for a meaningful relationship?

user18435677565533 · 19/11/2020 10:25

So much wrong here. You're infatuated with a fantasy.

He got out of hospital 4 weeks before you started this?

goldenharvest · 19/11/2020 10:32

Walk away. More trouble than it's worth. When he's sorted out his issues, he might be ready for a relationship, but he isn't there yet.

Calcifer12 · 19/11/2020 10:39

Hmm. I think it's a bit OTT to be pissed off by not being contacted for 5hrs.

You've been speaking for 11 weeks and are not in an actual relationship.

I'd worry after 3 days no contact, but it seems a bit extreme to need to be constantly kept up to date with what he's doing/why he's not messaging.

JillofTrades · 19/11/2020 10:40

I felt exhausted for you reading about his behaviour. I can't imagine the energy actually required for his flakiness. So this has happened 3 times already in 11 weeks. Too many issues with him, I would end it. Unless you do have high tolerance for hard work.

ThirstyGhost · 19/11/2020 12:29

I'm a recovering alcoholic. Recovery is a full-time business for a LONG time and to be frank there isn't/shouldn't be room for a new romantic relationship around that. I'd say at minimum at least a year of sobriety before I'd even consider very casual dating (from his side), let alone anything else. From your side I'd leave this now. Maybe revisit in a year or more if he's still sober by then. That's a big if. Unfortunately that's the truth of it, with alcoholics. It must've gotten really bad for him if he was hospitalised with it.

He also may be drinking again. The pattern of shutting down comms at certain times of the day rings alarm bells with me. As a functioning (holding down a job) alcoholic he will be expert at doing this - compartmentalising his life around his drinking. Think very carefully before you consider developing a relationship with one of us. We are parasitical liars when we're drinking and will only drag you down. You don't know him well enough to know if he's drinking or not. Be careful OP.

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