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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else really struggle to engage is school mum “ friendships “

29 replies

Whattheactual20201 · 18/11/2020 19:45

Just that really 🤣 I am really struggling !
When DC1 was in primary school I think everyone just assumed I was his au pair.
DC2 now is year 2. I am 28, I don’t seem to fit in any of the clicks ! I told my self I would try when DC started school but have yet found our self not being invited to the breakfast meet ups etc not really being asked to be involved in the “ events “
I am on the what’s app group but find my self not engaging much as a lot of it is about their kids scores on maths whizz or similar apps and speaking results plus what parts their kids have got in nativity and I just sort of shrug ( maybe because my DD would never be given a part and defo won’t get any certificates etc ) which I know is not their fault !
However I do feel bad on DD that she isn’t invited / involved in many of the outside of school things or in the organised PTA events.

I am clearly the problem but not sure how I even fix it 🤣

OP posts:
FudgeDrudge · 18/11/2020 19:50

First mistake is calling them clicks. (its cliques anyway but thats not the point). Groups of friends are just that, they aren't cliques, you're not in an American high school.
You're complaining that you aren't being automatically welcomed as an instant friend but you can't even be bothered to engage in a whatsapp group with these people. Why would they invite you to have breakfast with them? They probably know each other for years!

Theres this weird myth some women have bought into that when your kids start school you'll suddenly join some communty of school mothers and make instant friends. That's not real life. That's a tv show. In real life, you might meet one or two people you actually have things in common with and eventually become friends, or you might now.

If you're really set on being one of those school gate mothers the only way is to join the PTA, volunteer for everything, run the discos and a the school fayre etc.

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 18/11/2020 19:52

Sorry about the error ! Thanks for the correction.
That’s what I’m trying to say it’s not that I refuse to participate in the what’s app it’s just I never really have anything to bring to the conversation as I said not their fault.

OP posts:
Sosososotired · 18/11/2020 20:09

I have 3 children in various year groups at school and have never made any actual friends. I've made acquaintances, and am friendly with certain mums but never socialise together or discuss anything beyond general chit chat. I just haven't found anyone who has much in common with me. I've accepted it, as not much I can do about it really.

movingondown · 18/11/2020 20:13

I feel your pain @Whattheactual20201 I've resorted to hiding in a corner at pick up time. I know that's probably not the most practical solution but everyone else seems to be friends / know each other and I always feel a bit of an outsider. I think it's not uncommon unfortunately.

Thereluctantstepmother · 18/11/2020 20:25

I’ve organised it so the DH does all of the school runs! 😅

mummabear32 · 18/11/2020 20:30

I've never made school mum friends, I am the one who sits in the car waiting till the last min so I dont have to talk to people 😂 have u thought about maybe inviting one of your children's friends round that way can have a quick chat to said parent which might develop over time x

Incrediblytired · 18/11/2020 20:34

Oh goodness, I’ve no desire to make school mum friends! Barely have time to see my own friends and competitive parenting is hideous. Plus I work so I’m not free for casual meet ups, my weekends are precious!

However, if you feel DC are missing out you can either suggest DC has a friend round to play and ask her to choose, then approach the mum or make small talk in the WhatsApp group.

Divebar · 18/11/2020 20:43

I’m a bit confused about what possible events could be going on at the moment in lockdown ??

I didn’t know many other mums because I work so am only at the drop off one day a week. To rectify this I sent out an invitation for a coffee get together at my house for all the parents.( at the start of the year) I had probably 10-12 show up ( they came straight after drop off). I’m not saying I’m super friendly with them all now but I could happily go up to chat to a number of them if I was so inclined. Generally though I have 1 main mum friend who I’m happy to meet up with. You do need to put yourself out a bit to show willing I think.

cologne4711 · 18/11/2020 20:44

I used to avoid the school run as much as possible, I agree competitive "parenting" is hideous and the last thing I needed was school mum frenemies.

I think there are various school mum tribes and I didn't fit into any of them.

Loveable1 · 18/11/2020 20:45

Don’t talk to one single mum here my eldest is 11! Always found the school mums hard work and mostly only interested in gossip. Stopped engaging many years ago and am a lot happier because of it Smile

Might not be what you want to hear as you may want the ‘friendships’ but I’m just saying it’s not always what it’s cracked up to be.

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 18/11/2020 20:46

@Incrediblytired that’s how I feel it’s all so competitive !

I just find my self feeling a bit overwhelmed !
Like seesaw over lockdown made me a nervous wreck with all the work being posted etc

OP posts:
nancybotwinbloom · 18/11/2020 20:47

I hate the school yard mafia.

Get in and get out.

Don't worry about it.

I fit in nowhere with them

Francescat · 18/11/2020 20:49

It doesn’t sound like you’re missing much TBH OP! I’ve never particularly clicked with any of the social groups at school either but there are one or two other mums I’m reasonably friendly with, which is just how I like it as it means I have people to say hello to at the school gates without getting involved in the competitive parenting that seems to go on! Could you maybe approach the parent of a child your DD is friendly with and suggest a playdate? (when lockdown rules allow, obvs!) IME parent cliques are definitely a thing at school (not always the case, I know) and at ours this is very much dictated by class/age, which is a shame.

Finfintytint · 18/11/2020 20:52

Just continue with your normal friendships. You don’t have to cultivate friendships with people you meet at the school gate only. You only have a child going to the same school as something in common.
My au pair or husband did most of the pick ups or drop offs and I hardly had any interaction with any of them.
Any play dates were based around who my son was friendly with, not who I wanted to be friendly with.

pollylocketpickedapocket · 18/11/2020 20:52

I don’t feel particularly like I want to get on board with the school mums either but I want my daughter to have a good social life(only 4 at the mo!)
How has that worked out for people??

IndecentFeminist · 18/11/2020 20:53

Honestly, this comes up so often on here and I just don't get it. If every mum posting on here is just so 'different' to these "mummy cliques" then who are these other women? Surely we are all just women who gave birth in a particular time frame and who live in a particular area?

I doubt any of us are that unusual that we won't get on with anyone at all, however individual you think you might be, or however enlightening your conversation etc. Chat on school WhatsApp will tend to be school related.

Women at school are the same as women anywhere else. Some you'll like and some you won't.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 18/11/2020 20:57

DS is in Year 3 and I don't have any school mum friends. I don't dislike them and I say hello when I see them, I just don't have anything in common with them, I'm a lot younger than the majority of them and my dress sense is a bit "out there" so I look different.

DS has 2 particular friends that he has playdates with, he goes round to their houses or they come to ours so I don't really see the parents much apart from drop off/pick up. I do have one mum friend but I've been friends with her since we were at school together, her DS goes to a different school than mine but we also do playdates together.

EggyPegg · 18/11/2020 21:01

I have a really good friend that happens to be a school mum. We go back pre-children. And my 'group' of mum friends are mums that I got to know because DS2 is in a friendship group with their children. We'd meet up so they could play, and just hit it off. I'm not best friends with any of them, but they are a lovely bunch that I enjoy spending time with. I didn't have this with DS1s cohort.
Some days I chat to people at the gate, other days I don't. DH does the morning run three days a week and speaks to no-one.
Joining the PTA is a way to meet other mums, but it's not a direct path to friendship unless you meet someone that you click with. And I say that as the Chair!

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 18/11/2020 21:04

@IndecentFeminist I think maybe it’s due to when DC1 was at school. the school they attend ( DC1 ) now in secondary school is a state school BUT an expensive one so I think my age had a lot to do with DC1 even now I am
The youngest mum in DC2 class so when it was DC1 I was soooo much younger remember him being in year 1 and he had this best friend and his mum would only have them around their house not vice versa 🤣 I am not sure she trusted me or my ex at the time.
I think when DC2 started primary school I lacked confidence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 18/11/2020 21:06

I should add DC2 had quite substantial additional needs and I do struggle in the whats app group To participate in the conversations about their spelling test results etc as DD doesn’t really do them yet.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 18/11/2020 21:10

I feel your pain. I'm not especially bothered for myself, I'm a bit of an introvert but in my dcs class, if you're not part of the clique, your child is left out. It's horrible. I don't care if other mums are friends, crack on...but it's the fact that they leave out the other children that is the issue.

JimmyTheBrave · 18/11/2020 21:12

Do you actually want to become friends with the mums, for you? Or is it to widen your DD's social circle out of school?

If it's the latter I'd consider signing her up to groups/activities (I appreciate there pretty much on hold atm.)

Finfintytint · 18/11/2020 21:12

[quote Whattheactual20201]@IndecentFeminist I think maybe it’s due to when DC1 was at school. the school they attend ( DC1 ) now in secondary school is a state school BUT an expensive one so I think my age had a lot to do with DC1 even now I am
The youngest mum in DC2 class so when it was DC1 I was soooo much younger remember him being in year 1 and he had this best friend and his mum would only have them around their house not vice versa 🤣 I am not sure she trusted me or my ex at the time.
I think when DC2 started primary school I lacked confidence.[/quote]
Probably not to do with age as such. Maybe more to do with SAH mums v working mums. The former were boring as fuck and obsessed with parties, play dates and friendship groups in my experience. They had nothing else to think about and would not be part of my friendship group. Appreciate this may not be true across the board but it was my experience in Middletown, Nowhereshire.

LindyLou2020 · 18/11/2020 21:56

To Whattheactual20201 - My kids are in their late 20's now, so thank God WhatsApp groups and the like weren't around when they were at school.
I live in a very middle class area, and I have suffered from lack of confidence and insecurity most of my life.
I am so angry with myself for wasting so much effort and angst all those years ago, trying to be included in the school gate "in crowd". Women at their worst!
Cliques were based on status, so if you or your partner were a doctor for example, you were "in". As were SAHMs whose partners had so-called prestigious jobs. I was literally shunned because we weren't wealthy and I was a social worker.
I thought there was something wrong with me until I met some other mums, some years later, who felt exactly the same.
I wish so much that I'd had the confidence then just to be myself and not care about feeling excluded. I literally wasted years of my life.
So PLEASE learn from my experiences and try not to give a shit. Incidentally, my kids had no problem making friends - they made their own choices without mummy (me) engineering them towards the "right" sort of connections!

HintOfVintagePink · 18/11/2020 22:13

Oh gosh don’t bother. Drop them off, smile and be friendly if anyone makes eye contact but who honestly has time for all this? My DCs have had no issues making friends at school despite total lack of ‘effort’ on my part. I’ve made a particular friend of one of mum because our sons get on, but that’s taken a few years to develop. I’d much rather be real friend with someone than friends just because we fell pregnant at a similar time in the same catchment area.