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Original poster

My Dad told me I shouldn't have had DD2 if I were only going to go back to work, and I'm cross

31 replies

LadySnotAlot · 18/10/2007 10:09

I'm literally quite fuming actually.

He said "You should never have had DD2 if you were going to go back to work. How can you put her in with a childminder? It's unfair on her."

Then he said why don't I just get rid of DH because he's making me go to work?!?!?!

The really annoying thing is that DH is quite a supportive person.

I've been incredibly lucky that I have been able to take 2 years out. My DS1 is nearly 5 and DD2 is 18 months. I had to work and use a childminder and nursery with DS1.

We moved to a bigger house last year, interest rate rises hit etc etc and now we desperately need the money and I'm going back to work part-time from next week.

I'm going for 20 hours a week spread over 5 days so the children will both still get to see me from half past two in the afternoon onwards.

My father seems to think that I'm just going back to work on a whim. Of course I don't want to, but when needs must. I've explained all this to him and it's falling on deaf ears and now I'm really pissed off.

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 18/10/2007 10:14

Tell him he needs to wake up and smell the 21st Century.

Kewcumber · 18/10/2007 10:19

My only sensible suggestion is to tell him to shove off. It's nothing to do with him.

fedupwasherwoman · 18/10/2007 10:20

Ignore him,

It's a generation difference thing, you can explain it 'til you're blue in the face but I doubt he'll get it.

My father has some views but keeps them to himself (mostly).

It's not unfair on your dd2 to have a nice home and parents not living on a financial knife-edge. Your kids will see loads of you, you'll be there when ds1 comes out of school etc.

Just try not to let your dad's selective deafness/ignorance ruin your day to day life.

fleacircus · 18/10/2007 10:20

The thing I am just learning to say to my mother is 'but it's really none of your business'. She takes it quite well, bless her. I would be madder than mad if any member of my family said something like that.

muppetgirl · 18/10/2007 10:21

Learn to say (easier said than done with family I know, I've only just about managed it!)

We'll have to agree to disagree...

Original poster
LadySnotAlot · 18/10/2007 10:25

I know what you mean fleacircus. This is the father who has also banned my mother from helping to pick DS1 up from playschool in order to help me out (I've been unable to find a childminder in our area and have had to go futher afield for DD2)

I'm now having to pay £5 an hour to one of the ladies at playschool to pick him up. This makes me especially angry when my parents naff-off to their villa in Spain 6 or 7 times a year leaving my 17 year old sister to fend for herself. They've been doing this since she was 14 and so every holiday she's spent it at my house and I have to ferry her backwards and forwards from her activites such as looking after her horse every day! With no thanks and an 'oh well you'll have to look after your sister because we're going away.'!!!!!

OP posts:
Notquitegrownup · 18/10/2007 10:27

(If he wants to listen, you might mention that some people (well, me anyway) choose to go back to work so that they can afford to put their kids in part-time childcare, so that they benefit from mixing with other adults and with other children, rather than being with Mum every day.)

talulasmum · 18/10/2007 10:27

most women work these days, in fact alot are the major breadwinner.

plus 20 hours a week really isnt that much.

my mum used to "advise" me alot, usually telling me i was doing everything wrong.

i just learned to ignore it.

good luck with the job.

FioFio · 18/10/2007 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Carmenere · 18/10/2007 10:27

My poor dad really, really struggles with the concept that homosexuality is ok in the 21st century. BUT he knows to keep his mouth shut. My point is that he can think what he likes but he shouldn't bother you with it. And I would advise you to tell him that.

WideWebWitch · 18/10/2007 10:28

Ignore him. V annoying I agree

Notquitegrownup · 18/10/2007 10:28

Just read you last post

Ignore my last post. Doesn't look as if he's going to want to listen then.

Original poster
LadySnotAlot · 18/10/2007 10:31

No evidently he's not going to.

Perhaps next time I'll just say;

'Yes Dad, you're perfectly right. I should never have had children if I'm going to go back to work so I'm putting them up for adoption. I'm also leaving DH and going to work in outer Mongolia. Is that OK with you?'

OP posts:
fleacircus · 18/10/2007 10:37

It's a shame you wont be able to see or speak to him very often any more (or look after his child for him, for that matter), because obviously in the light of his advice you'll be spending every available non-working minute focused entirely on your DC to counterbalance any ill effects of the awful childcare you're subjecting them to. Probably the emotional and intellectual drain of trying to work and be a parent will lead you to forget his birthday as well.

andiem · 18/10/2007 10:42

ooh my fil is just like this tells me how to do everything from bf to weeding the garden used to get really riled but now realise he is sad old bugger stuck in the dark ages
I would say what everyone else says and agree to disagree
your poor sister though

Original poster
LadySnotAlot · 18/10/2007 10:46

Oh don't even go there with my sister. My other sister (they're both younger than me but the one that get's left is the youngest) tried to explain how S3 was feeling about being left and that she felt neglected.

My Dad told her to keep her nose out and told S3 not to go running off telling everyone else their business!! This was all whilst S3 sat there in floods of tears begging them not to leave her on her own for so long.

My parents say they've 'done their bit' and that they are spending time on themselves now. Problem is, they had large age gaps between the three of us. I'm 29 and the youngest is just coming up 18 now. It's not her fault they chose to do that and now she's paying for it.

Anyhoo, I rant and digress....

OP posts:
andiem · 18/10/2007 10:50

ooh how selfish how do they know she isn't scared at night being left on her own kids are for life not just for babyhood......

cornsilk · 18/10/2007 10:59

Oh I had unkind comments like this - SIL said 'I don't understand why people have chn if they aren't going to look after them.' I was very and it just increased the stress. As hard as it is to do, try to ignore negative comments like this. You know that you are doing what's best for your family.

eleusis · 18/10/2007 11:04

Send your dad to Xenia's boot camp. Or just tell him not to worry his pretty little head about it because his victorian bigotry has no place in this century.

My dad is the same way. But he's a pretty passive guy and knows to keep his opinions to himself when I'm around because I'm not so passive and he knows I'll tell him where to stick it in no uncertain terms. (and thet I won't give him any dinner)

Blu · 18/10/2007 11:05

tell him he shouldn't have had you if he was going to criticise, guilt-trip and interfere in your life!

You have no need to justify an 18 month-old spending 4 hours a day with a good childminder....clearly your father thinks that children are NEVER old enough to make thier own decisions!

helenhismadwife · 18/10/2007 11:06

how about saying you know dad you are quite right, so I wont go back to work and you can pay what I would have earnt into our account so that we can pay the bills and I can enjoy spending time with my dd's

or just tell him to sod off and mind his ow business

Original poster
LadySnotAlot · 18/10/2007 11:07

Speaking of Xenia, where is she? Doesn't she normally pop up on things like this?

OP posts:
LittleMissVampireSlayer · 18/10/2007 11:16

oh dear, sounds like a very unreasonable man, probably no point in trying to argue your case

like they said 'they have done their bit for their children' so its none of his business.

just tell him to mind his nose

Elasticwoman · 18/10/2007 21:57

You do not have to justify or explain your financial and lifestyle decisions to anybody (if they are within the law) except perhaps your dc at some far distant future date.

If you are working 20 hours a week, that leaves 148 hours a week to be with your children, and that is still the vast majority of their time. It is neither possible nor desirable to spend every single minute of every single day with one's offspring once they are past the newborn stage.

TreeHuggerMum1 · 18/10/2007 22:05

I have a 23 month old and I work four days a week and am planning another child within the next year. I fully intend to return to work at least 3 days per week and I think I am a bloody good mother.

I adore my son and love to spend time with him but I need to work as I love my job. I work hard for my family, and can give them the best with the wages I earn.

Its none of his business how you raise your children.

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