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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children and Partner issue

55 replies

ToughItOut · 18/11/2020 17:01

This may be long so forgive me. I really do not know what to do about this, and i'm hopefull someone out there has some good advise.

I split with my dh around 13 years ago. We have 2dc. He had a short other relationship after we split and then about 7 years ago we got back together (his relationship had finished). But we always ended up arguing. In short, we just shouldn't be together. 3 years ago we split again, this time for good and got a divorce.

Our 2 dc lived predominantly with ex dh since the initial split, mainly because of location to their friends/work/school etc. And I was the main earner at the time and worked alot. The dc are 29 and 34, and the 29 now lives with his dad.
Around 6 months after this split I met someone through a mutual friend and we really hit it off. It turned into a relationship, we live together and plan on getting married.
However. My dc are refusing to visit, will have nothing to do with new dp, will not see me if he is with me. Their reason is because I should have stayed with their father, not got into new relationship so soon. New dp has 1 dc, who is 15 and lives with us. My dc hate this fact and won't have anything to do with him because they say I shouldn't be a parent to him.
They have both now issued an ultimatum, in that they will see me as long as dp not there or they will refuse to see me at all if I can't accept this.
DP is pretty hurt by all this, quite rightly so, and I am embarrassed by their behaviour. AIBU to call their bluff and say no, I am happy and you need to grow the hell up and accept it. Or do I do what they say and effectively dismiss dp and step ds from my life when I see my dc as though they do not exist? I will find this very hard to do but I don't want to lose contact with them, as at end of the day they are my dc.
Really could use some advice how to best deal with this.

OP posts:
ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 18/11/2020 17:26

They are 29 and 34 ffs! They need to get over themselves and grow up. I wonder how much of their attitude comes from your ex.

I bet they weren't so reluctant and negative towards the woman your ex was with after the first split.

lovepickledlimes · 18/11/2020 17:39

They really need to grow up. You deserve to be happy too

WhatKatyDidNxt · 18/11/2020 17:41

29 and 34?! Haven’t they got their own lives? They need to grow up and move on. It’s concerning they are attempting to be so controlling of you. Why can’t you have your own life? I wouldn’t give into their unreasonable demands

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/11/2020 17:46

You have every right to be happy and enjoy the life you’ve created. They need to grow the fuck up and are being ridiculous.

Brave of you to go back to parenting a teen when yours are adults. Do they resent how much you worked while they were younger?

KatieGGGG · 18/11/2020 17:46

As pp said you deserve to be happy too and I hope you tell them so. They’re adults FGS, yes call their bluff and let them know you and DP are a pair and, as you and your ex tried to be together and couldn’t not once but twice, new DP isn’t the issue - the relationship was.

BrumBoo · 18/11/2020 17:48

You say they lived with their dad from the initial split - so when your youngest was about 15? Maybe it's less to do with the split and more jealousy that the teenager is getting your time when they may have not?

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 18/11/2020 17:51

Pathetic the pair of them

Nottherealslimshady · 18/11/2020 17:56

They need to grow the fuck up. They have no say in who you're with. They sound like sulking kids.

Original poster
ToughItOut · 18/11/2020 18:01

Thank you, I’m not going mad then. I think slot is ex Dh input, but they are fully grown adults. And I also do think it’s jealousy as I did work a lot, but had too as ex dh was a lazy sod. But he was home a lot and they didn’t ever miss out.
I don’t want to lose them out if my life, but I also don’t want to give in to this ridiculous ultimatum as it will feel like I’m belittling my dp.

OP posts:
Love51 · 18/11/2020 18:04

I'd humour then for a short while then either you or someone else make the point that your dp makes you happy and therefore they should be in the same place as him sometimes. Maybe your birthday day "we are going out to X restaurant and I'd love you to join us".
I wouldn't cut my kids out completely. Even if they are daft enough to out their mum through a loyalty test.
Incidentally are either of them in a relationship? They may change their minds when they fall in love.

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/11/2020 18:12

YANBU.. they need to grow the fuck up and let you live your life and not go around issuing ultimatums of such an outrageous nature.

If they have issues about what happened during their childhoods, they are old enough to talk to you about that as adults - this throwing their weight about and ordering you not to have a new partner, not to parent new partners child etc is not a reasonable response!

Cherrysoup · 18/11/2020 18:38

Blimey, I had to check their ages again! They sound very immature and this is their dad’s input, as you say. Can you reason with him?

Bookriddle · 18/11/2020 18:44

I was gonna come on here and say, you need to out your kids first, but reading their ages, they need to grow the fuck up, they are older than me and ieouldnt dare do that

OiOiYou · 18/11/2020 18:47

Sounds like you have some extremely selfish 'children' there...

Twigletfairy · 18/11/2020 18:50

So essentially they wanted you to stay miserable?

I would ask them directly why they would want their own mum to be miserable and not happy?

WorrierorWarrior · 18/11/2020 18:59

Do your adult children live with you? If not, they really should not be saying anything about who you chose to have living in your house.
Do your adult children have partners of their own? If so, do you fully like their partners? Are their partners the choice you would have made for your children to be happy and cared for in a relationship.
If your adult children have partners did they ask your permission to have these partners?
With the exception of the teen age DSC and a bit of alteration in the ages of the adult children I could be you.

Glovesick · 18/11/2020 19:09

They sound hurt and resentful of what went on in their childhood. Perhaps by exploring that with them, they will accept your present situation more openly. Some wounds are too deep to simply paper over and need to heal properly before you can move on. Family therapy?

Original poster
ToughItOut · 18/11/2020 19:24

They are both in a relationship, though neither live with partners. I’m yet to meet their partners as they always seem busy but have said numerous times about meeting for a dinner, though difficult with lockdown right now, but every time before they have cancelled when I said dp will also be coming.
I am very embarrassed by their behaviour. They blame me for the relationship break down with ex dh, but there was no cheating or anything like that on either side, it’s just something that didn’t work out. Ex dh was around more during their childhood as I had to earn the money but they didn’t miss out on anything they needed or wanted.
They say it’s embarrassing to them because it was only 6 months since split that I met someone else, but this was accidental. Met dp at a gathering for a mutual friend and we just hit it off. I wasn’t looking for anything, but it happened.
They don’t care I’m happy. They have said that’s not enough to be part of my ‘new life’ . We live within 15 minutes of each other so not even like I’ve moved miles away and they feel shut out.
Dp is gutted for me but also is at a point where he really starting to resent them.
I can’t cut them out but at same time if I did what they say I know they and ex dh would live the fact I’m turning my back on dp for them.
At the moment I’m not going to ask to see them until I can get my head around it. I just can’t figure out, at their age, how pathetic it all is. If they were teens being awkward I and dp would be much more understanding.
I can’t talk to ex dh. He refuses to see or talk to me the last 3 years because I’ve caused this ‘embarrassment’ by meeting someone else and the fact they have a child. A child who lives with us because they are a child and need parenting. They can’t understand this. I’m so gutted and also angry at the same time.

OP posts:
ReneeRol · 18/11/2020 19:31

Don't indulge those brats. Tell them to grow up and get their own life. You're going to live yours. Then leave them be. They're trying to control you, don't give them an inch.

Tell them you'll have time for them when they respect your right to live your own life, accept your partner and be nice to your stepson.

Until then, leave them to tantrum at someone else.

WorrierorWarrior · 18/11/2020 20:34

OP your adult children can not make demands on you unless you let them. It is hard but do not let them emotionally blackmail you into giving up your partner. You could have 30 years of happiness with this partner, or you could have 30 years of the adult children controlling who you are allowed to speak to etc. If they get away with pushing you into breaking off with your partner they could make your life very miserable for the next 30 or more years.

The Ex may well be pushing them from behind I am quite sure my ex is pushing my ACs. They say the same things that he did. Whatever time I have left I definitely did not want to spend that time miserably. My AC have chosen partners just like my ex (a sponger just like your ex). I thought I had shown my AC that a woman alone can do anything she wants but they chose to work all hours to keep spongers. I do not think this is the level of life my AC should have but they have chosen it and I cant do anything unless they want to change their lives.
Choose what is best for you, whatever will give you the most happiness You are entitled to find happiness in life.

lyralalala · 18/11/2020 20:41

but they didn’t miss out on anything they needed or wanted.

I'm not saying their current behavious is correct in any way, but you've said a few times that they didn't miss out. If you worked a lot (and I say that as fact, not critisism) then could it be that they feel they missed out on you?

The fact your DP has a child who lives with you, when they didn't get to live with you because you had to work, could be the issue. Rather than your DP himself.

Perhaps your step-dc is getting what your children wanted - your time and you being around.

Have you spoken to them about how they feel about their childhood?

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 18/11/2020 20:50

I bet your kids tell a whole different side to this story......

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/11/2020 21:04

Then they can start their own threads Hmm

tuesdayschild17 · 18/11/2020 21:26

@ToughItOut I do think that they ultimately need to grow up and accept your new partner. However, it does sound like the experience of having you and your DH get together and separate more than once could be quite traumatic for your kids. Also, it sounds like they would have a natural level of loyalty and defensiveness for their father if he has been their primary carer.

I think a compromise is to keep seeing them for the moment without your DP and SC and then gradually try and continue having open conversations about how sad it makes you that you have to live two separate lives. And then ask if they would consider dinner in the future in a neutral restaurant or similar to meet DP and SC?

Original poster
ToughItOut · 18/11/2020 21:26

When I say they didn’t miss out on anything, yes they missed out on me. I do get that. However ex dh was at home, I had to work because he kept going job to job with lots of no working in between and after ds2 arrived enough was enough and I started working full time to keep the roof over our heads. It wasn’t that I had a career but it meant I missed sports day sometimes and I remember missing a school nativity. But ex dh was at all those things so they always had a parent at everything.
I’d have given anything to be a mum there when they got in everyday and attend every school thing but exdh did that because he basically wouldn’t work.
They resent that and can’t understand it I suppose.

Sds lives with us as he lost his mother age 9 and so I do fill in where I can, because he’s a lovely lad who would obviously want his mum back if he could but I just do my best. I can’t not, and my adult dc don’t get this either which I find difficult to understand.

So yes resentment I suppose that I worked, but it doesn’t explain their resentment to dp because he was nothing to do with their childhood. Plus lots of their friends had both parents who worked and neither parent at school stuff so that doesn’t make huge sense either.

OP posts: