Children and Partner issue

[ToughItOut]

This may be long so forgive me. I really do not know what to do about this, and i'm hopefull someone out there has some good advise.

I split with my dh around 13 years ago. We have 2dc. He had a short other relationship after we split and then about 7 years ago we got back together (his relationship had finished). But we always ended up arguing. In short, we just shouldn't be together. 3 years ago we split again, this time for good and got a divorce.

Our 2 dc lived predominantly with ex dh since the initial split, mainly because of location to their friends/work/school etc. And I was the main earner at the time and worked alot. The dc are 29 and 34, and the 29 now lives with his dad.
Around 6 months after this split I met someone through a mutual friend and we really hit it off. It turned into a relationship, we live together and plan on getting married.
However. My dc are refusing to visit, will have nothing to do with new dp, will not see me if he is with me. Their reason is because I should have stayed with their father, not got into new relationship so soon. New dp has 1 dc, who is 15 and lives with us. My dc hate this fact and won't have anything to do with him because they say I shouldn't be a parent to him.
They have both now issued an ultimatum, in that they will see me as long as dp not there or they will refuse to see me at all if I can't accept this.
DP is pretty hurt by all this, quite rightly so, and I am embarrassed by their behaviour. AIBU to call their bluff and say no, I am happy and you need to grow the hell up and accept it. Or do I do what they say and effectively dismiss dp and step ds from my life when I see my dc as though they do not exist? I will find this very hard to do but I don't want to lose contact with them, as at end of the day they are my dc.
Really could use some advice how to best deal with this.

As children the wouldn't have necessarily been making the connection between the roof over their head, the dinner in their bellies and you missing sports day. They may just have been seeing you missing sports day.
Have you had a brutally honest conversation with them about your reasons for working so much? Most often we don't, we assume they know, but if they don't know (especially if your ex is helping the narrative of him being the doting dad and you being the neglectful mum) then they may very well be seeing you choose to play a mother role to your DS when you chose to leave them with their Dad

Agree with @lyralalala have an adult conversation about why you worked and perhaps about how your ex has talked about you to them.
If they cann't get thier brains around it - i would just live your life

I’m so horrified for you! Please don’t give in to their demands, it wouldn’t do them any good to have that kind of power over you, it would make them continue to see you as controllable. Simply say I love you and want you in my life but I won’t treat DP like that as I wouldn’t do that to you if someone asked me to. Love is unlimited and it is not exclusionary. Say you are always there if they change their minds and leave it at that. Be happy with your soon to be husband and the “kids” will come around with time. It may take a while but eventually they’ll notice the gap in their lives that you used to fill and also maybe they will notice the world doesn’t stop turning just because their mother is happy with someone other than their father.

How often since you got together with your current boyfriend have you tried to meet up with them - or actually met up with them - without him?

I read your OP twice because I thought I must have the ages wrong 🙈 it seems very odd that adults in mid to late 20s (as they were 3 years ago) could object to you meeting someone 6 months after the split.

I expect that they’re using that as an excuse to punish you for what happened during the earlier splits.

To be honest, given their ages, they should be able to now understand why you had to work full time, its hardly rocket science, so I wouldn't be going to any family therapy, or dumping/hiding dp, I'd have an adult conversation with them about how inappropriate their ultimatum is, that you love them and you love dp, and that he won't be hidden in the background, they are both acting extremely immature and should be ashamed of themselves

Hi OP, I'm not disagreeing with PP but coming at this from a different angle. Sometimes people can't express what their underlying hurts and resentments are about because they were formed at a time they can't put into words their feelings. What I'm saying is, these adults maybe have some pain about their childhood (not judging you or ex at all, but seeing their family split and reunite as teens is painful, not to mention what it was like all the time you didn't get on with their dad). They may not have proceeded it or got support to do that, so it is buried and coming out in these relationship issues with you now.

*processed, doh!

I'm on the fence a bit as I imagine there's more to this? While I wouldn't give in to their demands and they are adults so should be able to find a level of acceptance if you've otherwise been a good mum, it's still fucking weird for your mum to effectively replace you with a new family no matter how old you get.

My dad did similar and while my sister and I were civil and would visit them occasionally out of "duty" (we were in our twenties too) we hated it and found the whole thing uncomfortable and embarrassing. We ended up no contact with him as he was a dickhead in general, but we're both glad we don't have to partake in that awkward situation anymore. Having been there I feel for your DC to be honest!

It sounds to me that they're hurt that you are more involved in your step child's life than you were in your own. No judgement, but that's likely their take.

Even though they're now grown adults, their childhood experiences and perceptions of them will still weigh heavily.

Rejecting them now will only validate their feelings further. Why not just arrange to see them without DP? They're not kids anymore and don't need to accept your partner as a relation to them.

Tell them ... not to let the door, hit them on the Arse on their way out of your life... cheeky selfish vile adult toerags

Your elder kid is the same age as me; halfway through my life at the age of 34, pretty much, realistically. Their mummy shouldn’t be agonising over their daddy, tit for tat type nonsense, everyone involved is literally thirty years too old for this shit, just live your life, enjoy your boyfriend, ffs.

Thanks for comments everyone. To clarify, I have met up with both either together or separate lots since the split, always without dp. Probably averaged 2-3 times a month and would Usually be a coffe or lunch out. They both work so fitted around them basically. But whenever I said dp was able to come they would cancel. This is before I did have a serious conversation with them obviously because it was just too odd that they avoided anything with dp.
This adult conversation is when they said about how embarrassing it is etc.
I have not replaced them with a new family. That’s ridiculous. For a start at my age it was unlikely anyway that if I met someone new they would be childless. I can’t exactly ignore sds just because my adult dc are jealous of him.
I’m not asking anyway for them to love dp to bits, just to be civil and come over for dinner or even a cup of coffee, or go out to dinner. Anything because I want them in my life but I also don’t think I should spend the rest of my life single because they can’t be bothered to make any compromises and at least try.
They have said some mean things about dp and sds too which I think comes from exdh, but again surely as adults they can make their own minds? Things like they won’t benefit from a relationship with dp and he’s of no use to them.
I have raised 2 selfish spoiled men, haven’t I?
I wonder do dc feel this about dads who worked and had a stay home mum?

Your ex is jealous that you've moved on and is obviously bitching about you, your partner and dss. Your adult children are old enough to know better and you should expect them to be better.

I would express disdain for how nasty and pathetic they are to bitch about people they don't know, especially a kid. They need to hear the truth about their behaviour.

Your toxic ex has had too much influence on them and you enable their obnoxious, toxic behaviour out of guilt.

Stop doing that. Don't spend time with them if they're saying nasty things about your partner and son. Don't let them bully you. Honestly, you're never going to make people like this happy and they'll never change so long as you tolerate their disrespect towards you and your family.

Focus on your partner and dss. Don't bother with those who want to control and manipulate you. They will do that so long as they think they can. Your partner and dss can provide you with a very happy life. Don't let anyone interfere with that.

There's nothing stopping your adult kids from living their own life, they need to get over themselves and grow up.

We can't make people spend time with our partners though. I'm wondering what if we flip it.

Say they posted on here saying "my mum has a new partner and would like me to go to dinner with him etc when I just want to see my mum on her own, I have no desire to spend time with man for X reason, what should I do?"

What advice would you give OP?

I think I'd say to just meet up with your mum alone so your relationship doesn't suffer.

gosh OP, that's rough. Tell them to fuck off and come back and apologise when they can behave like adults?

@Jobsharenightmare, I get what you’re saying. But it’s been almost 3 years. If they were teens I could understand to a degree. I wonder if their dad meets someone if they’d be the same, given youngest lives with him.
I tell them I love them of course. I want to call their bluff but scared of losing them. And I feel for dp too as he’s done nothing to warrant this hatred.
I think given some answers on here I will take the road of saying I love you and want to see you but sometimes dp will be there and possibly sds and they need to learn to be civil and respectful of that. If they can’t do that, then I shall limit contact with them to just necessary stuff. And see what happens.
If they want their Xmas present I shall suggest they come to the house to collect it. And see if they do that when there’s something in it for them.

I think not having a conversation with them about how they feel about their childhood is a massive mistake. They clearly resent you playing a role to another child/teen that they feel you chose not to play in their lives.

Things are resolved much better when people talk rather than just putting your foot down and saying this is how it is.

Stating that they must accept your DP and SS around may very well come across to your children as you, again, making your new family more important than them.

Again I'm not saying I agree with them, but it's quite clear from their actions, imo, where their thinking is.

They're fully grown adults, you can't allow them tell you who you can and cannot see, I'm sure they wouldn't allow you to tell them who they could see either. I'm sure it's very difficult for you but what they're doing is emotionally blackmailing you, bang out of order

I do feel for you. I'm a step mum too.

Hurt grief and pain runs deep and there is no time limit. Have you ever read the "But we took you to stately homes" childhood survival threads here? It is full of people who, as adults, have limited their contact with parents because they felt hurt by experiences in childhood and those feelings couldn't be worked through with their parents even when all adults.

I fear you are only seeing the current issues and the deeper ones at the crux of it (likely nothing to do with your partner as a person) will go unacknowledged. This is a chance to really help them help heal some painful wounds and all of you move forward. As you say it's been three years so my bet is they are hurt, not stubborn or selfish.

@lyralalala I have already mentioned, I’ve had a discussion with them about this.
It’s not that I was missing from their childhood, I just wasn’t a stay home mum. Which is essentially their dads fault if we need to point blame.
Their issue is it being only 6 months and they feel sorry for their dad. And that dp has a child. Hints about inheritance were mentioned by them and me spending money on sds, which obviously must happen as he lives here and is a minor, not a working adult. They are being entitled.
The more I think, the angrier I get actually.
I’ve been sympathetic and understanding but they are now saying they want nothing to do with me if I acknowledge my new relationship with dp because it upsets their dad.
It’s a ridiculous situation which is totally unnecessary.
I’ve decided to call their bluff. I’m not being blackmailed by them.

Stand your ground , they are adults they need to know you are entitled to a life that you enjoy

You've obviously made up your mind. I wish you well because I think you are massively underestimating how your chlidren feel about their childhood.

Gosh OP they are really acting like arses - inheritance? FFS
I wasn't a stay at home mum either, but my children have never thrown my non-attendance at some events back in my face (even the one where the childminder went instead and filmed it for us because my DH couldn't go either)

I think, if you're up to it, one more discussion with them about how their attitude makes you feel, and that sometimes as adults we have to do what is needed (eg you working full time) and suck up the downside to that (missing sports day).

How do they feel about your ex's affair? or is that somehow ok? Keep the channels open, but try not to let them hurt you more than is absolutely necessary with their shitty attitude

You say upthread that you would have loved to be the one at home caring for them but it simply wasn't an option - have you ever actually said this to them? They clearly massively resent you being so absent during their childhood and whatever conversation you've had in the past hasn't changed their minds that you trotted off to work and left ex to care for them. It's time for some home truths and tough love - they are being spoilt and entitled but unless they know the real reason for the set up during their childhood they are never going to accept that you didn't make time for them but can for this new family.

I’ve decided I will keep in contact with them, calls, text and stuff and I’ll continue to let them know I love them and try to arrange meet-ups, but inclusive of dp.
If they decide not to reciprocate or choose to cut contact then that will be their choice, not mine. I am their mother and will stay in touch as much as they’ll allow but I’m not willing deny dp’s existence in my life because that’s insulting to him and sds and whatever grievances my dc have about their childhood it’s nothing I can change now. I’m sure not every parent gets it right all the time but I did my best. They say they love me but can’t accept I’m not with their father.
Thing is, they didn’t have a bad childhood At all and I was there everyday if not at every event. I can’t accept that as a reason from them.
They are adults and perhaps when they have children they will understand, when they have to miss an event because at work or their partner has to. They may even meet someone who already has children. Both are in relationships but both very early stages so nothing serious at moment.