About P and his DC

[NCperson]

I need some opinions on this please.

P has 3 DS, I have one DD - all teens. We have been together for 13 years and all 4 DC live here full time - his DC have no contact with their mother - their choice.

Another massive row erupted last night and I want to know who is being unreasonable.

P treats his children very differently to mine and IMO is unwilling to discipline them or show that their behaviour should have consequences. After numerous incidents of him going OTT with my DD a couple of years back he withdrew from any kind of discipline or conflict with her.

Last night SDS14 wanted to download an anti virus app to his phone, saying he just wanted a general clean up - a lie, because it transpires that he had been on inappropriate adult websites and a spoof virus warning appeared which he panicked and thought was real. He then managed to reset and lock himself out of his phone. Further lied about how that happened - when pressed about it he admitted to the website. Then cried (IMO to get out of trouble, which worked, as rather than getting told off, he was then comforted by P).

When my DD went on an inappropriate app last year I put parental controls on her phone. Ps approach with SDS however is that he’ll “talk to him tomorrow” but won’t be putting parent locks on because he wants to trust him to not do it again

Another recent incident - DD went to the park with her friends, was harassed to the point of a stranger bringing them home to protect the kids safety, and P went nuclear because he “knew that would happen” if she saw her friends (pre lockdown I would add). On the flip side, SDS went to the park with his friends, decided to leave and go somewhere else they weren’t meant to be, which resulted in his friend breaking an ankle. Rather than be told off for lying about where he was going, he cried and so P comforted him and told him how sensible he was for not engaging in the same stupid activity.

Anyway after another row, I am told that I am allowed no say in discipline because they’re his kids and it’s apparently none of my business. I think all DC living together should be treated the same. Incidentally I do 90% of housework and all cooking (which recently the SDC opted out of as they didn’t want to eat at 6, so they are now allowed to make their own food at 5) which he is happy to accept, but I have no say on how they behave in our house.

If I am being a wicked step mother and have lost perspective then please tell me because I am fed up of living like this.

What are you getting out of this relationship?
He is undermining you. You're the skivvy.
How does your DD feel about home?

You’d be MAD to force your daughter to live like this.

You deserve better too, just leave! It sounds awful!

It doesn't sound like he respects you. I imagine in a couple of years neither will his kids.

Your dd is fast learning that men are more important which is really dangerous.

She’s generally pretty happy, but she’s noticed the different treatment - but only in the sense that I “make her” go to her dads once a week even though it’s boring, whereas the SDC don’t have to go to their mum.

DDs dad has always been a good dad so I don’t want her damaging that relationship because she’d rather be with her friends than her dad!

@Thehop

Your dd is fast learning that men are more important which is really dangerous.

This.

And why are you doing 90%?

You're teaching your daughter that women should be more accountable than men, should be more responsible than men, should be vetoed by men and should be talked down to by men.

Is that what you want her to be soaking up throughout her teen years?

I’m furloughed and he works FT so it makes sense for me to do the majority. Until recently nobody was doing anything but he has started picking up a few jobs at the weekend after I complained about doing it all so I’m not having to do 100%.

Yeah I would really hate the message being sent to your DD here. That men are not held to the same standards of behaviour or responsibility, and face no/less consequences than women.

Are there any pros to this whole situation for you OP?

Yep, I'd be very concerned about the dynamic and its effect on a teen DD.

Four entitled male shitheads who aren't blood relations throwing their weight around doesn't actually leave much 'space' for her, in her own home, does it?

And, I would not want to be with a man who treated my child unfairly.

For your daughter's sake you need to change this situation - either by sorting it out or leaving

Do you want her to be in a similar kind of relationship in years to come?

Children living in the same house should be treated in the same way (other than of course if they are 16 and 6). DH and I have hashed this out, away from the children, at each stage when needed and both have at time had to make compromises

you and your DD are basically being bullied by a bunch of guys......and the skivvy role has been relegated to you too.

none of then have any respect for you- least of all your partner.

Your DD is being conditioned to believe that she is not worth being treated with respect - and she sees her mother tolerate this treatment from her partner too so the message is being reinforced.

what would he do re his kids if you split?
who'd take care of them then?
or would he finally re-arrange his working life and BE RESPONSIBLE for his own kids?

You're an unpaid and disrespected skivvy with no rights in your own home - he's made sure you can't even protect your daughter properly.

It sounds to me like he picked you to take on his parental responsibilities so he could carry on doing as he pleases.

You call this love?

Have his children always lived with you full time? Because if so, after 13 years I don’t understand why you’re not treated as their mother with equal say in matters concerning them. My husband and I have had our foster children 6 years and they fully see me as their mother so I don’t really understand why these children, and their dad, don’t see you as such?

The DC did see their mum until about 18 months ago.

We moved in together after about 4 years so lived separately for a while.

We used to 100% have the same views on parenting but in teen years it seems that he sees me as too harsh and I think he’s too soft which is clearly a big problem.

OP can you see what posters including myself are saying about what you're teaching your daughter about gender roles? Surely that is a huge consideration?

It is a big problem.

What do you want to do about it? He's not going to change by the look of it

@youvegottenminuteslynn

OP can you see what posters including myself are saying about what you're teaching your daughter about gender roles? Surely that is a huge consideration?

After reading the replies, yes, 100%.

Although I don’t think the treatment is intentionally gender specific.

If you have four children aged 13+ there's no need for you or your partner to be doing all the chores! Make a Rota, even if they have homework they can spare at least one hour at weekends to help. If he doesn't want any input from you with regards to disciplining his children then tell him whatever happens as a consequence is solely his problem to be dealt with especially if it needs help or money.
It might sound a bit naff but maybe a family conference involving the teens is needed. Perhaps if they're involved in decision making it might bring out a sense of maturity from them

So who looks after his dc when he works? No way would I have time alone with dc I had no authority over..
Your dd is getting a very short straw here op.

Although I don’t think the treatment is intentionally gender specific.

he may think it's not gender-specific, but effectively it is.

Frankly as a girl i wouldn't be comfortable living in this scenario. Do the boys do chores? does she? Who pays for the food? Do the boys clear up after themselves after cooking? do they offer to cook for anyone else?

Do they not go to their mums because she has more rules?

In your position? I'd get my own place with DD and see where the relationship with DP goes from there.

Your daughter is happy because she doesn’t know any different. Ask yourself what advice you would give your daughter if she was married to an oaf like your husband? You are a house maid and being treated horribly. Personally I’d rather live alone.

Nah fuck it. He can do everything for his kids and you do everything for yours. If he wont let you discipline his kids then he cant discipline yours.
He wants everything his way.

Look into nacho method of step parenting. Yes it's a bad name but the idea is a valid one. You step back from parenting his and he does the same with yours. So you parent your daughter the way you think is right and he does the same for his.
This also means he sorts his own children out, you don't feed them or clean their clothes etc
Sounds difficult but it allows you to discipline your child the way you see fit and if he has different views then he can only have them in relation to his own kids and can't be allowed to exert pressure or his own opinions on your daughter.
Not suggesting this as a definitive answer. If I was where you were I may well have left and taken my daughter with me by now but you could look into it

@YoniAndGuy

Yep, I'd be very concerned about the dynamic and its effect on a teen DD.

Four entitled male shitheads who aren't blood relations throwing their weight around doesn't actually leave much 'space' for her, in her own home, does it?

And, I would not want to be with a man who treated my child unfairly.

Exactly this.

Your poor daughter being stuck with your choices.

I can guarantee you that she is going to look back in 10 years and rightly judge you very harshly.

Her skivvy mother putting 4 awful men ahead of her.

Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself.

I don't know how you would inflict them on her.

Women come last is what you are teaching her.

You must be absolutely desperate for a man to have inflicted this on your daughter.

You won't deserve her forgiveness, knowingly allowing this to be the home she is stuck with until she can get the hell away from you and these wasters you have foisted on her.

I appreciate what I have written is harsh, but you need to hear the truth of your choices.

You will deserve to be judged very harshly by her.

Whose house is it?

You're not an evil stepmother. You shouldn't subject your daughter to a home with a stepfather who treats her differently and harshly, with three undisciplined young males who get preferential treatment over her. The dynamics sound really unpleasant for both you and her.

You need to stop arguing and prioritise your child by getting out of that relationship. Create a nice, happy home, just the two of you, where you get a nice, easy life and she gets her own space and to be treated as she deserves.