About P and his DC

[NCperson]

I need some opinions on this please.

P has 3 DS, I have one DD - all teens. We have been together for 13 years and all 4 DC live here full time - his DC have no contact with their mother - their choice.

Another massive row erupted last night and I want to know who is being unreasonable.

P treats his children very differently to mine and IMO is unwilling to discipline them or show that their behaviour should have consequences. After numerous incidents of him going OTT with my DD a couple of years back he withdrew from any kind of discipline or conflict with her.

Last night SDS14 wanted to download an anti virus app to his phone, saying he just wanted a general clean up - a lie, because it transpires that he had been on inappropriate adult websites and a spoof virus warning appeared which he panicked and thought was real. He then managed to reset and lock himself out of his phone. Further lied about how that happened - when pressed about it he admitted to the website. Then cried (IMO to get out of trouble, which worked, as rather than getting told off, he was then comforted by P).

When my DD went on an inappropriate app last year I put parental controls on her phone. Ps approach with SDS however is that he’ll “talk to him tomorrow” but won’t be putting parent locks on because he wants to trust him to not do it again

Another recent incident - DD went to the park with her friends, was harassed to the point of a stranger bringing them home to protect the kids safety, and P went nuclear because he “knew that would happen” if she saw her friends (pre lockdown I would add). On the flip side, SDS went to the park with his friends, decided to leave and go somewhere else they weren’t meant to be, which resulted in his friend breaking an ankle. Rather than be told off for lying about where he was going, he cried and so P comforted him and told him how sensible he was for not engaging in the same stupid activity.

Anyway after another row, I am told that I am allowed no say in discipline because they’re his kids and it’s apparently none of my business. I think all DC living together should be treated the same. Incidentally I do 90% of housework and all cooking (which recently the SDC opted out of as they didn’t want to eat at 6, so they are now allowed to make their own food at 5) which he is happy to accept, but I have no say on how they behave in our house.

If I am being a wicked step mother and have lost perspective then please tell me because I am fed up of living like this.

Sm is overstating your position op..
It's housekeeper.

Am I missing something? Where has OP said the other three teenagers are boys?

Apologies, I can see it in the first sentence now.

Thehop
Your dd is fast learning that men are more important which is really dangerous.

^^
This

I learnt this and it’s taking a lot of couselling, far too late for a lot of my life, to get past it. Also ended up in an EA marriage, likely as a result.

I read it as men, as in the P, being viewed as more important, but could work for the step brothers too.

If the children live with you full time, all should be subject to same rules.

If your partner won't agree that you both decide appropriate rules/ punishment then you have to remove yourself and your daughter from this.

It sounds like you are very different parents and that is a deal breaker

Would you want your daughter to be living like this in 25 years? Because that’s what you’re teaching her to do now.

The boys may not be held to any standard - the girls should be.

You aren't qualified to discipline his children, so must refrain from doing so and leave it to the 'expert him presumably?

Your daughter shouldn't engage in socializing with her friends as she's not capable of keeping out of trouble - stay at home what and embroider maybe?

Whilst perhaps he doesn't appear overtly sexist.. the undertone is screaming gender discrimination and speaks volumes on your partner's views. For your daughter's sake if nothing else, it may be worth reconsidering if this is the right thing for the 2 of you.

So your DD is being treated very differently from the men in her own home. You know and acknowledge this is unfair.

Will you act on it? Will you put a stop to it or leave for the sake of your DD?

If you don't, then YADBU.

Nah fuck that for a game of soldiers
I'm a SM to 4, three boys, one girl and I hate some of DH's parenting, if you can call it that, especially with the teenage ones.
Difference is I didn't bring any of my own to the relationship, so it's easier for me to disengage from it. It certainly seems very sexist to me and totally unbalanced. Also why the hell didn't the 14 year old have parental controls on his phone already?? You know when your daughter is his age she will be policed a lot more than his sons clearly have been.
I hope you can get this sorted. It sounds very difficult.

@TheDowagerDuchess

Thehop Your dd is fast learning that men are more important which is really dangerous.

^^
This

I learnt this and it’s taking a lot of couselling, far too late for a lot of my life, to get past it. Also ended up in an EA marriage, likely as a result.

This is exactly what her daughter is being modeled.

Women don't matter.
She doesn't matter.
Women skivvy for men.
Women skivvy for men that aren't their children or husband.
Women skivvy for men that aren't related to them and put them ahead of their own child.
I have to put up with any shit this man who isn't my father says.
I have to put up with the shit way his son's behave because they are more important than me.
I really don't matter.

Shameful messages being sent to that poor girl.

This is what happens when women put any man ahead of their own children and don't have any self awareness.

I really hope this thread gives the OP pause for thought.

Her daughter is powerless.
The OP has made her daughter powerless.

Remaining in this situation will ensure that her daughter's future could be similar.