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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm helping ex cheat his way to a council house?

51 replies

lurchersrule · 18/11/2020 06:30

I'm divorced and ex is in financial difficulty - always was before we married and went back to his normal when we split six years ago. He thinks most jobs are beneath him and wants to be a musician/writer so it's mostly his own fault.

He has the dc overnight 4 times a fortnight and this stays similar in the school holidays. In 6 years he's had them twice for a full week at a time, both times when his dm took them all on holiday. Last year dc kept telling me he was moving to a council house as he struggles with his rent. I wouldn't speak about stuff like that with them but I just smiled and nodded. Then he emailed to ask me for a copy of a court order stating his access to them. I had to remind him that we've never been to court over it and have only ever made arrangements between us so there's nothing in writing. He said he needed it to get a council house so we'd need to go to court. I said don't be ridiculous, he sent me an abusive message and the dc stopped mentioning council houses.

Then last night he WhasApped ds1 asking him for photos of the dc's passport pages as he needed it for council accommodation. I suppose he is again going to try and get subsidised housing by claiming he has the dc more than he does. I really don't want to get involved - I've told ds to leave it for now but he obviously wants to reply to his dad. Could there be any real harm in letting him send his dad the photos? I feel like ex is a massive freeloader and always has been and others will be more deserving, but it's not really my business. I also don't feel he should ask ds direct for these things. Shall I just let him send them? I suppose I'm worried about what else he cold claim as well.

OP posts:

x2boys · 18/11/2020 07:47

An awful lot of council house threads recently 🙄

CakeRequired · 18/11/2020 07:49

He's unlikely to get one. There's shortages anyway for real applicants, not people like him.

Tell him to stop wasting his time as a musician/musician and to get a job that actually pays. Most jobs are beneath him? Jesus. He's just a twat.

Screwcorona · 18/11/2020 07:51

If it's not false information your giving him then do send him it. Its unfair for you not to. The council are not stupid and will unlikely give a single man capable of working a house. It's most likely a 1 bed flat. But surely it would be better for him to have a council flat and have more money left for himself. Be kind

LakieLady · 18/11/2020 07:54

Our council takes the view that the main carer is the one who gets the child benefit.

If an applicant isn't getting the child benefit paid to them, in the council's eyes they're not the primary carer and the children don't count as residing with that parent. On a couple of occasions I've managed to persuade them that a parent just getting CTCs, while the other parent gets the CB, is the primary carer, but it took a lot of work and supporting evidence.

A single person without children would have no chance of getting a council place here, unless they had some sort of vulnerability, eg MH, disability, LD etc or were fleeing domestic abuse.

Even though our council has an unusually high proportion of one-bed properties, they're still strict and waiting lists are massive.

I wouldn't worry too much about it, as I don't think he'll get anywhere.

And photocopied pages from passports are no evidence of anything as far as I can see.

Longdistance · 18/11/2020 07:57

CF asking your dc for their passport. Go hide them, he’s probably going to lie and at he has than more than he does. He sounds a complete shirker. I’m surprised he’s stupid enough to ask for court order when it didn’t go to court, was he asleep at the time? What a prize twat!

stillfeelingmad · 18/11/2020 07:59

I used to work for our council housing dept and if he had them 2 nights a week and was otherwise eligible yes we would have assumed they needed somewhere safe to sleep.
Asking for their passport pages or birth certificates would be to prove he really had kids. Not that they live with him full time.

Equally proving he has kids isn't the same as saying he has full custody!

Not sure why you wouldn't support him getting a council house if he really does have them, it's stability for his kids...

emptydreamer · 18/11/2020 08:02

I think if you are not a council tenant, he'll get priority as a single parent. My ex got housed as a parent, despite not having children overnight at all.

LastRoloIsMine · 18/11/2020 08:02

I work in the housing department for a council and what hes asked for is not fraud.

As a single person he will only be offered 1 bed accommodation or if under 35 a shared property.
If a parent has regular overnight with their children weekly he will need proof so that he is allocated a larger property and will be exempt from the under occupation charge ( bedroom tax).
Having child access will not make him a higher priority as such but it will mean he is able to bid on homes with more than 1 bedroom depending on the ages and sex of the children.

It can just be a letter from you stating the ages and sex of the children and the nights he has them in the week if no court order is in place. He doesnt need the child benefit or anything like that.

He was abusive to you so you can still refuse but if it means your children have a larger home when they stay with him surely thats whats important?

audweb · 18/11/2020 08:04

Surely it’s up to the council to give him a place or not? But if they do they would want proof he has his kids for overnights. Wouldn’t it be better for him to have a two bed to accommodate their needs? My ex got a council house but only a one bed. I don’t think he even bothered to say he had a daughter and a son. I don’t know what it means for them growing up, I wish he had gotten a two bed to support having them overnight more easily. He still has to pay rent, surely better he tries to get something affordable and fits his kids needs?

emptydreamer · 18/11/2020 08:04

Our council takes the view that the main carer is the one who gets the child benefit.
How about if the non-resident parent gets the child benefit, but there is a child arrangement order in place? There are a lot of people who don't claim benefits, even when having 100% residence.

Frankola · 18/11/2020 08:05

How do you know he is going to tell the council he has more contact than he does?

If he applies as a single man and does manage to get something it is likely to be a one room bedsit and it will not be appropriate for your children to sleep there. If he applies as a man who has his kids 2 nights a week then they will need to put him in at least a 2 bed to accommodate that.

It isn't about the nights in total per say, its the fact that he DOES have them overnight consistently.

By blocking access to this information all you're doing is negatively impacting on your kids and where they will be expected to stay when he has them over.

BilboBercow · 18/11/2020 08:08

In what way would he be cheating op?

NailsNeedDoing · 18/11/2020 08:10

If you aren’t going to be lying on his behalf then I don’t see the problem with giving him the information he needs. It’s up to the council to decide whether he’s entitled to a property or not, not you. People need places to live, even separated fathers, it would be spiteful to make things more difficult for him needlessly.

NoSquirrels · 18/11/2020 08:12

Tell your DS to say he’s not sure where the passports are, better ask Mum.

You can send him passport numbers (that’s all he’d need for any legit purpose like a bank account etc) and ask why he needs them.

I agree with others it’s not your problem - he won’t get far and even if he does it’s not like you’re colluding in some fraud or anything. Let them system’ make a judgement on whether he’s allowed subsidised housing, not you.

RNBrie · 18/11/2020 08:16

He's your ex. This isn't your problem. Send him the information he's asked for and think no more about it.

makingmammaries · 18/11/2020 08:24

Why passports? There is no obligation for UK citizens in the UK to hold a passport. Why doesn't he order copies of their birth certificates if he needs to prove that they exist?

LastRoloIsMine · 18/11/2020 08:26

Passports are just another way of proving he has kids. He doesnt need them physically just screen shots. A birth certificate would be fine also. They are just accepted forms of proof.

canigooutyet · 18/11/2020 08:32

How would you be helping him to cheat?
He didn't ask you to write a letter saying he has them X amounts a week.. If you won't confirm this and the council have asked for this then he has no choice but to go the legal way.

Surely it's in the best interests of the children he also has somewhere for them?

canigooutyet · 18/11/2020 08:34

When it comes to things like council, a passport is much better than the BC and requires less additional ID,

AnotherEmma · 18/11/2020 17:04

Not necessarily, the passport doesn't state who the parents are, whereas a birth certificate does. That's why some parents take their children's birth certificates in addition to passports when travelling.

canigooutyet · 18/11/2020 17:11

Maybe he already has a copy of the BC's, and because of the blokes circumstances the local council has asked for a bit more proof?

If he wanted to be an arsehole, he could declare those passports lost/misplaced and get new ones issued to him. If they are required as part of his claim, whoever is processing it might even suggest this to him. Never mind anyone else he is in contact with.

Meruem · 18/11/2020 17:21

The council won’t house him. They have a duty to make sure DC are housed and they are, with you. You can’t get a council property just to facilitate access. He would need to be the full time parent and that will require a lot more proof than just passports. If you don’t want to rock the boat then you can send the pics knowing it won’t help him in the slightest. He can claim what he wants but they will want solid proof.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 18/11/2020 17:25

The council may well give him a house.

I know several men who have managed to get 2 or 3 bed properties from the council because they have their kids 1 or 2 nights a week. It must be dependent on area.

Surely it is better for your dc to have safe, comfortable, secure accommodation when they are with their dad. I'm not sure why you would try to hinder that.

im5050 · 18/11/2020 17:33

Years ago my DB ex wife wrote a letter confirming that he had the children 3 nights a week
It was enough to get him a really nice council flat with two bedrooms
He still has it now and lives in it even though his kid left home years ago

x2boys · 18/11/2020 17:47

Nobody knows wether the council will house him or not ,it depends on area and avaibility ,not everybody lives in an area where social housing is scarce

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