Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get a bad vibe from this nursery worker?

48 replies

Mum2threee · 17/11/2020 18:04

My child has autism spectrum disorder and is non verbal. His key worker at (SEN) nursery appears to be in a bad mood whenever me or DH see her, no pleasantries or so much as a smile at hand over. Approachable. Every other member of staff are warm and happy to have a chat at pick up.

I rarely see her due to work it's usually DH doing the pick up but I'm off at the moment so went myself.

She seemed a bit inpatient and fed up with DS today when he didn't notice her trying to get him to take his lunch box, he wasn't looking as he was bouncing excitedly as he saw me. She sighed at him and said "Oh come on (DS name) or shall I give it to your mum"

Aside that she didn't say a word to me.

She also rushed putting his ear defenders on all wonky so that his ears were bent over and squashed. The defenders sit very tight against his head so that would have been quite uncomfortable for him.

Nobody is sunshine or rainbows all of the time but shouldn't nursery workers at least try to appear upbeat and welcoming for the childrens sake?

Would you also get a bad vibe based on what I've written?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum2threee · 17/11/2020 18:05

Not Approachable *

OP posts:
BornOnThe4thJuly · 17/11/2020 18:07

I’d be very sad about it if I were you. Do you have a good relationship with the manager? I’d be asking if he can have a different key worker I think.

LightDrizzle · 17/11/2020 18:11

Just keep an eye on it for now and ask your DH to do the same.

I assume there is always more than one member of staff attending to the children. I don’t think you have enough to justify raising your concerns but you should never ignore gut feelings with vulnerable people. That’s not to say gut feelings are always correct, but it is better to be hyper-vigilant unnecessarily than to miss something. There may be a training need or maybe it was uncharacteristic and an off moment for her.

Original poster
Mum2threee · 17/11/2020 18:12

I get on well with the nursery manager yes, she wasn't there today though.

I'm considering speaking to her (NM) and asking that he be given a different key worker but I'm not sure how well received it'll be or whether she'll think I'm bonkers.

I don't see his key worker interacting with the children and rarely see her at all so all I have to go on us DH saying she always seems like she's in a mood, and then my contact with her today.

It may well be that she's good with the children and we just haven't seen that side.

DS being non verbal complicates things as if he were able to talk he'd be able to tell me how he felt about her which would drive how I handle it.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 17/11/2020 18:12

I might raise an eyebrow, but it would take more than this to make me seriously concerned.

peboh · 17/11/2020 18:15

Has your husband mentioned anything about her behaviour or than that she seems in a bad mood? Is she normally rushing your ds out, getting annoyed and frustrated? I'd be a little put out, however I would necessarily rush to get him another key worker if this is just one bad day out of however many good ones.

Original poster
Mum2threee · 17/11/2020 18:21

DH has said before that he's not keen on her because every time he sees her she appears 'grumpy' and that she makes no effort to interact with parents (even though she's DS key worker)

I didn't read too much into it until today but after my interaction with her I can definitely see his point.

I have no reason to believe DS is being mistreat at this stage so as PP said it's just a "raised eyebrow" but I tend to listen to my gut.

I appreciate SEN staff aren't required to act like Cbeebies presenters and be all OTT joyful but I don't think it's acceptable to be permanently standoffish either.

There are other members of staff in the main area at all times supervising the 15 children.

OP posts:
Unluckyinlove2 · 17/11/2020 18:21

Please follow your gut feelings! I had a speech delayed child and felt weird about his key worker. She never made any effort to build a relationship with me and that really made me unsettled. It’s so important for kids that have additional needs to have a strong and supportive network of both family members and professionals in order for them to thrive. Ask nursery to change if things don’t change.

Original poster
Mum2threee · 17/11/2020 18:23

@Unluckyinlove2

Please follow your gut feelings! I had a speech delayed child and felt weird about his key worker. She never made any effort to build a relationship with me and that really made me unsettled. It’s so important for kids that have additional needs to have a strong and supportive network of both family members and professionals in order for them to thrive. Ask nursery to change if things don’t change.
Thank you unlucky, that's how I feel too.

Given his vulnerability I think it's important to have that relationship.

The other nursery staff are always happy to chat about DS despite not being his key worker. The nursery manager usually hands over at the end of the day rather than his key worker, which is a bit strange in itself.

OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 17/11/2020 18:25

Any chance the keyworker is also ASD?

goldenharvest · 17/11/2020 18:26

Ughh Some people just shouldn't work with children or old people. This is your child and you know what is best for him, so I would ask for a different key worker. You only get one shot at early years education, and its so important to get it right

Original poster
Mum2threee · 17/11/2020 18:30

@thistimelastweek

Any chance the keyworker is also ASD?
It's funny you should mention that as that's what I said to DH when he came home and told me about her demeanour.

I didn't get the impression she had ASD today and I know a handful of autistic adults, but then I'm not qualified to say either way as the spectrum varies so much and everybody is different.

To me, she just seems grumpy.

If she does indeed have ASD I'll feel terrible for saying that but at the moment all I'm seeing is an inpatient person who makes no effort to talk to me or DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum2threee · 17/11/2020 18:31

I forgot to add that DS has only been in this setting for a few months so it's all still quite new.

Despite that, we've built a good relationship with several of the other staff members.

OP posts:
Littlebluebird123 · 17/11/2020 18:36

If this was a one off I wouldn't be overly concerned. But it seems it might not be.
I am surprised by the lack of communication with you as there's normally a handover conversation with the parent at nursery - especially important with a non-verbal child.
Relationship is key with young children as they are often not able to communicate their needs and wants clearly. This is especially important in a non-verbal child. I would be concerned and speak to the nursery manager.
I know you don't want to be 'that parent' but key workers change for all sorts of reasons so it doesn't need to be an issue. And if I'm honest, with a child with additional needs, you'll often end up being 'that parent' in order to help him. :/

Original poster
Mum2threee · 17/11/2020 18:40

I'm honest, with a child with additional needs, you'll often end up being 'that parent' in order to help him. :/

Oh absolutely, I have had to be 'that parent' many times before in order to access support.

There is always a hand over but it's usually done by the nursery manager when she's there which is most of the time. We have a parent exchange book that they write in every day so I can read how his day has been / any concerns.

They have forgotten to put that book back in his bag today so I won't get it back until next week.

Hand over today was very different to how it usually is with the nursery manager or other staff who we know a little, it was just awkward.

OP posts:
Guardsman18 · 17/11/2020 18:48

Is there a possibility that she might be 'training for higher things'?

As a TA I did get a bit 'mumsy' much to the annoyance of the teacher. They were 3 years old fgs!

The TA's that wanted to be teachers, psychologists etc were different with the children.

I'm not saying I was right in my approach but when a shy 3 year old needs her coat on and comes up to you - well, it took me less than a minute to talk about which arm goes in first, ask what do we do then ... and zip up.

As I said, I am a bit 'mumsy' with them though. The children loved me, teachers not so much!

Yebanksandbraes · 17/11/2020 18:54

Personally, because he is non-verbal, I would have a much lower threshold for intervening. He is more vulnerable to any mistreatment, even low level, than other children. There are some wonderful nursery staff out there who would engage with him, love him and nurture him fully. He deserves someone like that imo ♥️

Norah8 · 17/11/2020 18:57

she may be on the spectrum herself and find it difficult to talk to peers ... not ideal but it may be he really gets on well with her.

Original poster
Mum2threee · 17/11/2020 19:00

I'd like to know whether she indeed is on the spectrum or not as that would be hugely beneficial to know.

How would you go about finding out? It's a difficult one.

OP posts:
Conair · 17/11/2020 19:04

You should always be happy, approachable and pleasant when greeting children and their parents it's literally in their job description.

I would mention it to their manager just so she can remind her off good practise.

I say this as a nursery manager myself.. I would want to know as she is representing the company.

JillofTrades · 17/11/2020 19:06

If both you and dh noticed and feel this way then that is enough to do something about it. Speak the NM and tell her your concerns. Your ds is non verbal as well, more the reason to say something on his behalf.

Changethetoner · 17/11/2020 19:08

Maybe you could ask the Nursery Manager how she thinks things are going with regards to this key worker and your boy. It might lead to nothing, or maybe it will. She might tell you that during the day they get on really well. Maybe the woman is great with the kids but not so good with parents. I'd ask the question.

Reallystressedout · 17/11/2020 19:11

I'd talk to the manager, if she's like that all the time then other parents might have commented also and it gives the manager some insight.

DrManhattan · 17/11/2020 19:12

She doesn't sound likes she's in the right job! Keep an eye on the situation and then have a conversation and see if there are any alternatives. Hope your little one doesn't pick up on it x

Original poster
Mum2threee · 17/11/2020 19:12

Thank you all for your perspectives, I'm going to speak to the nursery manager next week.

I wouldn't feel uncomfortable letting it go after today. I hope it's a case of me and DH getting the wrong impression, but it doesn't seem that way.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread