to expect that friends will realise that now I'm working...

[Quadrophenia]

I have less time to socialise, be there, and look after their children. Have been a SAHM for 4 years, have just gone back to work part time. if i'm honest I'm finding it more draining than i expected, I have four children and when i'm not at work i want to unwind. But i'm finding the constatnt trying to fit people in really hard and am feeling resentful when i really don't want to. For exapmle last week, had three days off, my fourth child has just started school, on all of those three days i had friends invite themselves round with their children who are either of pre school age or not at school for reasons of poorliness. I love my friends, they are great people, but i really wish i didn't have to spell things out to them. Should i expect eple to understand, or should i just tell them.

grr i feel like such a misery guts

I think you need to tell them - they probably feel that as all your children are at school and you work part-time your days off are exactly that!

If you don't want to hurt any feelings can't you just pretend to be busy?

I have the opposite problem to you! I have just given up full time work and have become a SAHM. In 7 weeks i have had 1 day where i have had nothing to do! People ring me now because i can do little jobs etc. I know they think they are helping because i said i would be bored BUT hinestly i havent stopped! As it stands i have no plans for tomorrow at all BUt i know i will get a phone call in morning to do a favour for someone and i cant say no!!!

Maybe its us who have the problem and we need to be stronger!!!!!

((runs off to practice saying.........SORRY I CANT TODAY.........in the mirror!))

ignore the phone or doorbell?

Just tell them that you're tired and want to take things easy for a while or fit in other errands during the few days off etc. In a few weeks' time your friends will have got out of the habit of asking you.

I never really get a day off, thats four kids for you, i just have so much to do. Pretending to be busy would be okay if people didn't just pop by. I have always been fine with this, but I'm tired, bogged down and quite frankly need a break.

they probably think they are supporting you iyswim!

YANBU bit of both with regards to telling them or expecting them to understand. Sometimes it is really hard to get down time. But you really do need it. Do you find it hard to say no or do they just turn up unannounced?

Think you need to publicly announce the day you most definitely will NOT be available for visitors!

I have had to do the same and people now know to stay away on that one day a week and noone minds, they just dont think or they assume you need company.

Be honest - if you've got a day off and you really don't want to do anything, say so. Am sure they'll understand. Have done this myself. I work pt and have 2 kids. I love catching up with everyone but at least once or twice a fortnight I like to have a day where I've nothing planned.

My friends know me as a bit of a slob-out queen, though

Bonkerz i really need to practice that, i am as much at fault as my friends probably.
I can't ignore the door, my house is too open, its obvious when i am there. I am a pro at ignoring the phone though!!!

Chantilly i do find it hard to say no but yes they turn up unannounced aswell, and before now i have encouraged it. I keep telling people how hard i find it but they don't seem to think it applies to them IYSWIM

Oh no! The people popping by syndrome. This is why I never encourage this. You need to be really tough and hard-arsed - tis the only way. Can you call them and tell them how busy you are?

I sympathise - I have just gone back to work with one DS and I am absolutely exhausted!

Could you not answer the door?
Or could you say "oh, how lovely to see you, I've only got about half an hour because I've got so much to do"
OR
could you say "how nice of you to drop in (uninvited) I'm sorry I'm not free right now."

I would love to do all those things, but I find it really hard. I think i need to be stronger, i just wish people could see it without me having to be blatant.

I have always made myself very available, i guess i just expected that people would realise things have changed abit. Don't get me wrong, i still want to socialise, but i would love to instigate it for a change!

It is difficult to say no, but it is so important you get this time alone. Cant you text them and say "on ...day next week I won't be around, feel free to pop in any other time" or something similar.

I did end up snapping at a "just thought I'd call in for coffee" friend, I'd just run a bath and they didnt leave even when I told them that!

lol I have no mobile phone (I know am odd) if i had a mobile i wouldn't get a minutes peace! I have also done the run a bath thingy, but then my lovely friend apologised and i felt dreadful. I really need to be hard arsed about this don't i?

Yes! in a word!

My friends try this with me too.

You are obviously being far too good a host.

If I'm not in the mood I'm just honest and tell them I can't be arsed today but will catch up another time. (suggest a girls night out instead of them all being at your house with their kids in tow).

My friends still talk to me and understand (at least I think they do....unless they all secretly talk about me behind my back....)

I'm sure they'll understand. Some of them may appear to be arsey about it but they'll realise soon enough.

Make a point of telling them how great a day you had when you could do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted.

I know they would prefer it if i were honest, after all they are good people. i am going to make a concerted effort.

Okay, you need to do the shameless manipulation technique. And that is to tell people you are falling apart. That you are not coping and that you need some space or you're going to implode/take to drink/run away. They will feel so guilty that they will bugger off. You need them to feel sorry for you.

When you start feeling better, you can reinstate them. And no one will be upset because it's your mental health that was the problem.

Honestly - sounds drastic but sometimes you have to protect yourself before you truly do fall to pieces.

Yes Quad, honesty is best. Also, at any given opportunity say things like
"ooh its lovely having days now when the kids are at school, I can get on and do things and the house doesn't get messy" and "its really hard fitting eveything I need to do in my days off now I'm working.." etc etc..it'll sow the right seeds in their minds.

Roughly translated these sentences mean "Stop bringing your kids round to mine on my days off, I really don't need it....go and mess your own houses up"

Gosh Phantom, I think I might know you!