To issue an ultimatum?

[sicklycolleague]

To be clear, I've not yet issued any ultimatum. Just wondering if it's a good idea.

Boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years, although we were off for about 6 months while I went travelling and our reunion was delayed by covid. Back together about 6 months.

I raised the possibility of moving in together when his lease ends (spring) and he freaked and then said 'don't you think it's too soon'. Actually no, I don't. It's not like when we got back together we started at ground zero.

Lockdown is hard for us as he's applying for jobs and is working a lot of extra hours in his current so has sort of unilaterally decided we don't get weekends atm (he doesn't get overtime, it's all arbitrary extra work). Fine, as long as it doesn't last forever, but I am a bit fed up as we get little time together. He's said he knows the current situation isn't ideal and has agreed to talk moving in.

I guess I'm wondering if it's valid to say "if we don't move in by mid next year, I'm done". I've waited a really long time and he knows I want this. He moves at a glacial pace with everything and then is fine after decisions have actually been settled. Neither of us has any kids and living together would mean neither has housemates and we'd actually get time together, see if we gel in that setting and sort out a life together. AIBU?

I think given you have only been back together 6 months it is a bit unreasonable to issue an ultimatum. I understand you have had a previous relationship but you’ve only been together this time 6 months. I’d personally also want to wait longer before living with someone.

Having said that. If living together is important to you and his refusal is a deal breaker then that’s your choice to make.

I don’t think ultimatums like this are ever particularly healthy. Do you want him to live with you just because you’ve threatened to leave if he doesn’t?

Only if you are really willing to walk. I don't think forcing things is good - it has to be a mutual decision. If he wanted to he'd be happy to. Do you really want to be with someone you had to coerce into living with you?

@sicklycolleague that's definitely a hard situation OP. Why was it yous felt you had to split up with you travelling for 6 months rather than stay together (but be apart for that time?) I suppose that even though it wasn't starting at ground zero like you've said, splitting up for 6 months does definitely take it a step back, that's 6 months yous weren't committed to each other and so I can see why it would maybe feel like rushing back in when you have only been back together 6 months to then move in.

I think it's reasonable that you want to take the next step to that commitment, however, I don't know that it's fair to give him an 'ultimatum' as if he's not feeling quite ready just now it will just put pressure on him and potentially put him off the idea (it would put me off if someone gave me a deadline when I wasn't ready) whereas, by the middle of next year which is when you've said, he could well be ready and wanting to move in.

I think personally if it was me I would keep the deadline of mid next year in the back of my mind and if closer to the time he still isn't wanting to make the commitment then you have your answer, rather than telling him and forcing him in to a decision IYSWIM

The fact that you see him working extra hours as unilaterally deciding to not see you at weekends is... a lot. You also say he is looking for other work so it sounds like he is trying to get out of that work pattern of fund a job that is better for him.

I can understand you are frustrated with the little time you have together but if you are living together, it doesn’t mean you will have quality time together and are more likely to become resentful over that. Would you being home alone in your joint home at weekends be better?

I don’t think you should force someone to be ready but it’s another matter if you feel like this relationship isn’t right for you or what you are looking for.

Also I think it’s interesting that you split for you to go traveling but you don’t see that as a unilateral decision but you see his work pattern as one. I think it’s just worth thinking of what part you have played in this momentum too to help you see that it’s not fair to layout the ultimatum.

He's not ready and pushing it would be a mistake. If you can't live with that, end it.

@Lou98 we split because he dumped me. Our first 15 months together were lovely but then the next 12 were long distance due to job and he didn't feel it was working. Ultimately while I travelled and worked abroad we kept in touch completely over those months so I decided to move back to the UK (I was miserable abroad and I wanted to be back and with him).

I was quite disappointed he didn't visit during our long distance period, which he now agrees was stupid, he just is bad at planning and felt he couldn't take the time off to come to Australia. During the long distance it was 4 months Oz, 3 months UK, 3 months Oz, 3 weeks UK etc so I did try to come back and keep it going but difficult to have relationship via FaceTime. I accept that it was sort of my fault. But part of the reason I accepted the job abroad (with his encouragement) was because we were moving so slowly that I felt a year and a bit wouldn't matter. I now see that was a huge mistake.

I don't want him to feel forced but I also feel atm it is all about his feelings. I am feeling very down and want to build a life together and instead I came back to the UK for social life and good things and this year has just been a letdown. I know that isn't all his fault but the feeling that he doesn't think our time together counts either just exacerbated the feeling down.

I want things to be good and just want to spend time with him. I am genuinely questioning whether I would walk because it'll be clear he just doesn't love me that much. He made a joke before on the phone when I invited him to a post lockdown supper with our friend and he said 'maybe'. It was all very non-committal. I want him to be invested in us. But I can't make him.

@MiddleClassProblem it's complicated but he's just got a new job and the applications are for something that is basically two years away. He could do the extra work in the evenings - a lot of it is stuff he doesn't get done in the week, not amazing time management. He calls it all 'work' but really it's a mix of job applications, bits and bobs from his day job, a virtual internship he's decided to do and some music stuff he does to wind down.

I think you’re chasing a man who’s not that into you. I wouldn’t bother with ultimatums. You need to get rid of this one and try and find one who actually wants to be with you.

So he ‘dumped’ you because you took a job in Australia? Even if he encouraged you to do it (presumably because it’s what you wanted) I’m not sure I blame him there. It was your call to apply for a job there and your call to go. It’s not a blame game but when you say his work is the problem, it’s doesn’t seem fair.

If you don’t think he’s that into you, that’s a separate thing. It might be that the reunion wasn’t what either of you expected and he just doesn’t feel the same now but feels he is he sort of has to be with you as people do sometimes.

I think you need an open chat about that and decide from there.

I think you’re chasing a man who’s not that into you.

Sadly, I think this might be the case.

Ok, your updates add a lot more context and make it sounds as though he is putting very little effort into the relationship. In all honesty from how you describe him he really doesn’t seem interested.

I think what a previous poster suggested about setting yourself an ultimatum is a good idea. Giving him an ultimatum/time limit is a good idea. I wouldn’t base it so much around moving in but maybe decide that if he isn’t showing more dedication in x time then you’ll move on for your own benefit.

@MiddleClassProblem I'm Australian and the job was an amazing opportunity. We're in the same line of work and he told me to apply for it. He then told me to take it. My parents were applying extreme pressure on me to take it to be near them. It wasn't just "oh I fancied moving to Oz, bye".

Is the only reason you’re in the UK for him?

@AIMD no, I lived here for years before I met him and most of my friends are here. I am happier in the UK than Australia despite earning less money.

How old are you both?

We're 28

Right, but it was still your choice. You are passing the buck on to your parents and on to him there. Even if they were factors, you still chose to go. It’s frustrating that you won’t take ownership of that.

Given that’s how you think, I think you should take time for yourself. It could only be beneficial to really get some independence in your mind from everyone.

It sounds like you don’t think he would make time for you when possible but I can’t tell if he is genuinely just working himself hard or shirking you. I would talk to him but it does sound like you might be better to end it and focus on you.

[quote sicklycolleague]@Lou98 we split because he dumped me. Our first 15 months together were lovely but then the next 12 were long distance due to job and he didn't feel it was working. Ultimately while I travelled and worked abroad we kept in touch completely over those months so I decided to move back to the UK (I was miserable abroad and I wanted to be back and with him).

I was quite disappointed he didn't visit during our long distance period, which he now agrees was stupid, he just is bad at planning and felt he couldn't take the time off to come to Australia. During the long distance it was 4 months Oz, 3 months UK, 3 months Oz, 3 weeks UK etc so I did try to come back and keep it going but difficult to have relationship via FaceTime. I accept that it was sort of my fault. But part of the reason I accepted the job abroad (with his encouragement) was because we were moving so slowly that I felt a year and a bit wouldn't matter. I now see that was a huge mistake.

I don't want him to feel forced but I also feel atm it is all about his feelings. I am feeling very down and want to build a life together and instead I came back to the UK for social life and good things and this year has just been a letdown. I know that isn't all his fault but the feeling that he doesn't think our time together counts either just exacerbated the feeling down.

I want things to be good and just want to spend time with him. I am genuinely questioning whether I would walk because it'll be clear he just doesn't love me that much. He made a joke before on the phone when I invited him to a post lockdown supper with our friend and he said 'maybe'. It was all very non-committal. I want him to be invested in us. But I can't make him.[/quote]
I completely understand those feelings, my partner works away and can be gone for months at a time, it is difficult missing them and not being able to see them, however, we made it work because we are committed to each other. I know it's not for everyone and I know it's hard but from your post it sounds as if commitment is an issue.

I get it's difficult for you as you're a few steps ahead of him in what you want for the relationship, and he just isn't quite ready yet. But with a year of being long distance/splitting up I can see why there would be doubts on his part.

I suppose what you need to ask yourself is whether it's a case of he just isn't ready yet or whether it's a case of yous wanting different things which can be a dealbreaker.

It does sound though like the reason you aren't seeing much of him just now is due to work and he's looking to resolve that by finding another job. I agree with a PP that living together doesn't mean you will get to see more of each other. My partner and I moved in together after 6 months and in all honesty we spent more quality time together before moving in between him working away and me being at work when he was home etc. We do however still make an effort to go on date nights etc and make time for each other but living together definitely won't resolve the seeing each other more often.

I would have a think about what you want and whether you feel he is committed to you or not but I wouldn't issue an ultimatum, I don't think it's fair to put that added pressure on. If it's something that is a deal breaker to you, have a conversation about it for sure and ask if he feels it's something that could happen soon or still a while away yet and take it from there, talk about it together rather than telling him it's living together or you'll walk

@MiddleClassProblem I do take ownership of it. I know it's my fault. I shouldn't have done it and I've tortured myself for it. I wish I hadn't gone.

But I have no idea if we would be different 3 1/2 years in otherwise. I spent time with my family and I improved my career. So I can't keeping spending my time kicking myself over something that's done even if I really do regret it. And I do.

I don't see why I can't take ownership of that and also focus on the now? It's not a healthy relationship either if I just have "well I did choose to move abroad" as a stick to be beaten with when I want to improve our time together.

You're not going to like this...but IMO you want him & the relationship far more than he does.

Many, many years ago I got engaged because I gave him an ultimatum. I was fed up of waiting & his 'soon'...

It's a long story & I won't bore you with the details, but although it was still exciting getting engaged etc, knowing he hadn't asked me without some pressure to make his fucking mind up get on with it, it felt crap too, it's NOT a nice way to feel.

So I totally understand where you're coming from, but I don't think the ultimatum is a good idea, nor is staying with him.

Sadly he's not as into you as you are him.

You're 28 - go and have fun, enjoy life, make memories, (not easy currently I know) but don't sit around moping over a bloke who prioritises every except you

I don’t think you are understanding what I am saying at all. I am saying that you are saying his is unilateral and yours isn’t. I’m not saying you should regret it at all. I’m pointing out your language of your actions vs his which are much harsher. The initial split, whilst it wasn’t your choice, it did come from a big move you made. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just brought you to here. I don’t think this is now all on him because you are back and he is working but it does sound like you are together over some kind of obligatory feel on his part.

It may not be the case. You may speak to him and he might tell you he’s having a shit time of it, working his butt off, applying for jobs, feeling overwhelmed and that he has to have chill time for his own sanity but he wants to be with you. Or it might be that it’s just not the same and he is avoiding the situation.

Nothing should be regretted. He’s not all there is. The job was good for your career and even if it was shit there, it showed you the path you wanted. Your relationship outcome with him should not make you regret it or kick yourself etc, your relationship with you is way more important.

Read the book “He’s just not that into you”. It helped me a lot in a situation with some similarities.

Maybe you were both in different places as you got back together. You had realised you wanted to be back in UK and to be with him and in your mind ready to move on, but he presumably didn't know if or when you'd return and may be much more tentative in re establishing things. It doesn't necessarily mean he won't get there, it's hard to know from what you say.

I agree with PP that you should set an ultimatum in your own mind, and move on then if you don't think it is going to happen.

Some men just do need a bit of a push, but it doesn't sound like that would be well timed now. 3 years isn't that long when it has been on/off and long distance.

I think you need a big talk without ultimatums.

How often do you currently see each other? What's the ideal? How often do you sleep together? And yes I mean sleep. Where does he see you both in a year's time? How does he feel about how often you see each other?

If he's happy with once or twice a week, in not sure there's much life left in it. Yes it's only six months but that should be the honeymoon period.