To issue an ultimatum?

[sicklycolleague]

To be clear, I've not yet issued any ultimatum. Just wondering if it's a good idea.

Boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years, although we were off for about 6 months while I went travelling and our reunion was delayed by covid. Back together about 6 months.

I raised the possibility of moving in together when his lease ends (spring) and he freaked and then said 'don't you think it's too soon'. Actually no, I don't. It's not like when we got back together we started at ground zero.

Lockdown is hard for us as he's applying for jobs and is working a lot of extra hours in his current so has sort of unilaterally decided we don't get weekends atm (he doesn't get overtime, it's all arbitrary extra work). Fine, as long as it doesn't last forever, but I am a bit fed up as we get little time together. He's said he knows the current situation isn't ideal and has agreed to talk moving in.

I guess I'm wondering if it's valid to say "if we don't move in by mid next year, I'm done". I've waited a really long time and he knows I want this. He moves at a glacial pace with everything and then is fine after decisions have actually been settled. Neither of us has any kids and living together would mean neither has housemates and we'd actually get time together, see if we gel in that setting and sort out a life together. AIBU?

I'm sorry but I agree that he isnt as into you as you are to him.

He isnt actually working, but using all sorts of other stuff as an excuse to not see you. But I bet he is keen when he wants a shag, right?

He is using you as you are convenient. I think you need to find your self worth and get rid.

Never treat someone as a priority when they treat you as an option. You can do better.

And also, I can see him being one of those men who strings you along for years with "one day" about marriage and kids then within 6 months of dumping you is engaged to someone else. PRobably when you are pushing it age wise to start again.

Seen it too often. Sadly a lot of people stay in a relationship that they are are not that bothered about rather than be alone, while they keep their eyes open for the big one.

I have been that woman and I stuck around too long.

@Aquamarine1029

I think you’re chasing a man who’s not that into you.

Sadly, I think this might be the case.

Agree with this. I’d move on if I were you.

I was in a similar situation in that k wanted to move in with my boyfriend but he kept saying he wasn't sure and I got quite upset about it, but we both lived with our parents. In the end I got my own place and he stayed every night and ended up moving in a few months later.

Do either of you have your own place or both have roommates?

Well of course you can issue an ultimatum! You're well within your rights to specify what you want and if you're not prepared to settle for less. He's also well within his to say he's either interested in that or not. Ask away! He'll only say yes or no. And to be honest I'd just ask now vs some wishy washy future projection. If he's not keen now then he probably won't 'come round to the idea later on' 😕

You're wasting your time.

The problem with issuing an ultimatum is even if you get a result you know it was only by threat and not his free will. Some women are happy with that but I wouldn’t be. I would need to know that we were together because that’s what he wanted too. I think the both of you need to be honest with each other because it’s too important to get it wrong. If you love each other then you’ll find a way to be together but it has to be freely given. Just my opinion.

He does music stuff to unwind instead of spending time with you? Hobbies are great but this means he is not prioritising you or the relationship at all. He sounds totally self focussed. And you sound very focussed on him as well.

It's painful to realise, but if he was truly into you, loving you and wanting all the same things in the same time frame... Youd be in a good, healthy relationship where you feel secure, happy and cherished.
From your posts, I did not receive the feeling that you feel any of those three vital things with this man.

Stop wasting your time, dump him and spend some time working out if you are prone to Co dependence and allow yourself to be with someone who does allow the relationship to be a space where you can grow and flourish.

As others have said I think he's not that emotionally committed. You're wasting your time.

I'm not against ultimatums, I gave (now) DH an ultimatum. But at that stage the relationship was great but he didn't really feel the need to get married. I did, so hence I gave him over 6 months to carry on with the relationship and decide if he wanted me for keeps or whether we should move on. And I was prepared to move on.

It worked for me but the relationship was good. I don't think it would fix a relationship that wasn't really working.

Do you really want to be in a situation where you are living together because you forced him?

You come across as quite desperate and that could be a turn off for him and frightening him.

Nothing wrong with giving yourself a deadline at which point, if he is still reluctant you leave him but don't give him an ultimatum. It's incredibly controlling and just not a loving thing to do.

I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum but I would do a where do you see yourself in a year or two chat and make it clear you see you living together. Hope he does too.

He’s not in it for the long term. Move on.

I think if he was really into you it wouldn't be this hard work. I'd move on and find someone who really loves you.

He’s agreed to talk about moving in though. I think that’s a good opportunity to talk about your relationship in general and after three years of knowing each other, you should be able to.

I tentatively agree he’s just not that in to you, but can also see that he’s seeing this as you starting again and finally being in the same country long term, which might mean taking things at the same pace as if your relationship was only six months in.

Thanks to everyone has replied.

It's true that I have been struggling with codependent thoughts, probably partly as a result of lockdown and the stress of the past year.

I'm also struggling to moderate how much space in my brain that my boss takes (texts on weekends, evenings, actually interrupted one of our dates in Feb to tell me to come into the office at 7.30am the following day) and the demands of my housemate, who is perfectly nice but quite intrusive/opinionated and is just quite a lot of work. I never anticipated spending this much time with housemate pre-lockdown. And he doesn't clean up after himself

Plus one of bf's housemates really hates me for reasons that have never been clear to either of us and has been quite difficult to deal with. So I think my desire to move is a combo of mental health, needing something good, and I'm projecting a lot of my year's unhappiness onto my relationship, as well as wanting to take the logical next step and a genuine desire to live with him. And while I think there are areas he needs to make more effort, I know some of the tendencies are just him - his friends have said they have to try a lot harder to engage with him than others and he's not the easiest. Normally I find all of this more manageable but right now I just really don't.

PP have asked how much time we spend together - at the moment 3ish nights a week, was more in previous weeks but has lessened due to the applications. On the music thing, I think it's important he both winds down with me and without me, if anything one of my issues is that I haven't been doing enough to occupy myself and my earlier lockdown habit of reading voraciously has dampened. There has been no sex for the past few weeks as we've both been ill (I have had recurrent coldsores which I'm now on medication for which have added to the feeling of being a leper and low self-esteem), so our time together has involved largely actual sleeping.

I know ultimatums aren't ideal but I think in the next few days/weeks we will approach the longer term chat about where it is all going, and I think it's important we do. I suppose I meant more of a 'cards on the table, this is what I want, will you be able to do this' rather than attempting to force him to go with something he doesn't want. I don't want that. But I will probably have a deadline in the back of my mind about where it's all going as things play out.

Actually typing it all out and externalising it without worrying how it sounds to him has helped a lot too.