To think social services will help?

[mariosleftthumb]

I am a disabled parent (ASD and mental health issues including severe OCD) and am struggling. Like really struggling. AIBU or naive to think social services would help if I contact them? Or is it more likely that they would remove my children and leave me to it?

I’m currently in social housing and the neighbours are making me more ill (one side SH, other side bought/owned). Nothing they’re doing purposefully (old concrete houses plus noise and drug smell seeping through constantly) but my sensory issues are off the chart and it’s making my mental health issues even worse. The noise is all night long because of night shifts, hard of hearing neighbours on one side, teenagers, general life noise and thin walls. There’s no rest from it. Not one room is silent because of the way the sounds carry.

We under occupy so I’ve applied to go back on the housing register to downsize to try and find somewhere the sound doesn’t come through as badly but although the housing association says people need houses our size and we’d easily downsize there’s an eight week backlog minimum for it to be processed before we can even bid. I can’t cope that long and then there’s no guarantee we won’t end up in a worse scenario for my medical issues anyway. I am not ungrateful for where we live etc it was honestly a dream come true to get a house but it doesn’t work with my medical issues.

I can’t get into details about how ill it’s making me because it’s degrading enough living it but AIBU to think social services could help us in some way? I’m struggling to manage even basic day to day life things and I need some help but don’t know where to go for help. I did speak to someone at school but it was very “there’s not much we can do to help” “make sure your children come to school”.

I feel stupid posting but I’m desperate.

That sound tough. What help would you like. Do you have a crisis team and a gp you could speak to. How old are your children, do you have friends or family that can help you.

I have no idea if social services can help, but I didn't want to ignore you, it sounds like a really tough situation.
I'm pretty sure they won't remove your children.
Short term could you get some noise cancelling headphones to give you a break from the noise?
Maybe have a chat with your doctor?

Contrary to what a lot of people on this site are no doubt already leaping to tell you - no, social services will not 'remove your children and leave you to get on with it'. They may be able to help, but it is likely to take a while to be seen as disability services are underfunded and struggling, and they may concentrate on putting you in touch with informal or community support services more than direct support. But don't give up and try and make them your allies. Social workers do in fact go into the job to help people, by and large.

Would you consider Home Start? Social services are even more stretched than usual at the moment. Here is some info: www.home-start.org.uk/find-support

I am not a disabled parent but I have a teen with autism and severe LD, lone parent. I have MH issues myself as the result of the stress of bringing up DD and what it entails and no support.

Social services will absolutely not help. I begged and cried for help. I was told no help or support unless shit hits fan and there is a serious crisis.

can you get some noise cancelling earphones? I am really sorry you are struggling so much.

Would you be able to speak to your family doctor, and ask them to signpost you to the right services?
They may be able to recognize best where you need help

@dairyfairies

I'm really sorry about your situation, but that's not been my experience (nor that of several friends with SN children) at all. It's really not helpful to state categorically that your experience is going to apply here, when someone is struggling.
Yes, services are under pressure; yes they help they can give may be limited and it might be worth trying other avenues as well (Homestart can indeed be a good source of initial support depending on ages of children). Yes, it depends where you live. Yes, you need to persevere and wait. But if you don't ask you certainly won't get.

Yes, you need to persevere and wait

wait for what? that shit hits fan? I have been trying to get help for a number of years and that was pre covid. what should I wait for???

Your local authority should have an earlyhelp team. They may be able to give you a support worker to help with liasing with housing and things. It is a level below social services and they can be helpful before things get to social services intervention level.

(((HUG)))

I'm sorry you're struggling.

I think SS varies region to region AND person to person. It's not where I'd personally go for help if I needed it. I'd try various charities first. (Obviously after any friends or family).

Have you tried noise cancelling headphones?

How many DC do you have /what age?

Is there anything specific someone could do that would help?

I think it all depends what help you are looking for. Social Services will aim to support families to make their own changes to their circumstances... unfortunately there isn’t a magic wand or an unlimited amount of money to fund practical things.

Children’s social services also focus on the needs of the child and whether they are safe. So unless I’m reading your post wrong, it sounds as though the gp / mental health team may be better to see what support you need as an adult. Unless there are needs for your children and I’ve missed that in your original post.

For children with disabilities, there is a separate service, however my understanding is that the criteria for that service is incredibly high.

But social services role isn’t to remove children, they want to keep families together, unless there is a serious risk of significant harm to the children. Which it doesn’t sound like there is, from reading your post.

I'd get in contact with gp for a start. They may be able to help you with medication and other therapies. Also local asd adult support groups. On the short term is there anything that can minimise sensory impact of your neighbours? Is there any smells you can cope with that you could use to combat the smells from neigbours. I love my noise cancelling earphones. I also find audiobooks at night soothing.

For the noise have you tried playing white noise and ear plugs on a night? Or maybe using noise cancelling earphones?

If you had a better nights sleep and not as stressed about the noise from neighbours you might be in a better head space?

I'm going to ask some direct questions, I don't mean to be rude but I'm a social worker in a team that supports people just like you and I can't do the nice stuff I would do in real life to make you feel more comfortable.

Do you think it is your ASD or your MH that is your primary issue?
Are you self neglecting as a result of the way you are feeling?
Are you at risk of harm or are your children at risk of harm?
What help do you feel you need other than housing? Social services will not be able to help you with housing in this situation.

I 100% guarantee that social services will not take your children away on the information you have provided on this thread.

Thank you for the replies, I appreciate it.

No crisis team involved and my GP is quite happy to leave me just with medication despite me explaining how unwell I feel. I feel very let down by the mental health services where I am but I know they have limits to how much they can actually help too.

I do have headphones and sleep with white noise on but the sound carries so badly they don’t help most of the time. The houses are so badly built that when they are banging about, I can feel it through the floors and my furniture. It’s like there’s no escape. I’m woken up multiple times through the night and I never sleep through all in one go anymore.

The local ASD groups are all aimed at the lower functioning end of the spectrum (apologies if that’s the wrong way of describing it) and children.

Unfortunately I don’t think anything drowns out the smell of pot. I had no idea it smelt so strong until we moved here. We can’t even use the garden because they sit out there smoking it too.

I’ll be honest at the risk of sounding awful because I really need the advice but yes, I am self neglecting. I’m struggling to keep myself clean and maintain a clean house because I’m the OCD side of things makes me scared that I might have opened a window/door or left it open so I just don’t go near them for periods of time which means some rooms stay out of bounds. It’s a combination of the MH and ASD. The ASD issues raise my stress levels which increases my MH symptoms especially the OCD. Until we lived here, I was managing my symptoms very well. There’s been a massive decline. My children are not at risk of harm but I worry that I am due to how low I’m becoming and I worry that they are being emotionally harmed by how little I can interact with them due to being constantly on edge worrying about the smells and noise etc.

I honestly don’t know what help I need. I know they can’t fix me or make me better but I feel like if I could sleep peacefully, or stop the constant noise and smells, I could get control of the MH symptoms again and try and get my relatively shitty but functional life back again. In a dream world, I’d be able to stop being afraid of my doors and windows, get a rest from the sensory bombardment, and read a book or cuddle with my dc’s. Instead I’m just sat on the sofa constantly afraid to move in my own home. But I don’t think the help exists, I think I was just hoping there might be some help I’d never thought of.

Sorry if this was a ramble.

Adult social services would probably be your best bet. One of the areas they are compelled to assess and support with is parenting/ caring responsibilities. They can also support with letters for rehousing. There's lots of ways they can provide the support but a direct payment may suit you well.

It sounds really distressing for you. I'm so sorry you feel like this, it must have been a big step to post on mumsnet asking for help.

First things first. Your children are not at risk of being taken away. Asking for help will not result in them being taken away.

Your GP can only treat medical problems with medical solutions, they can't treat the the social reasons behind any distress you are feeling because they can't prescribe social solutions.

How have you managed your sensory overload before? I know It's really difficult if you have children to just plug in ear cancelling headphones, I've worked round it (sort of) by telling them if they wake up needing me to come through and tug my hair (weird but effective). I tend to set a timer on an audiobook though so I'm not 'deaf' all night long. I still usually get to them before they get to me.

Smells, is there a smell you find comforting or familiar? Vicks vapour rub under your nose is a crude option, lots of people have success with gentler fragrances like your usual soap rubbed on a flannel, favourite perfumes or fabric conditioners.

What is your evening and sleep routine? Be honest

If the noise and smell is that bad, it may be worth contacting the environmental health department at your local council for advice. There should be contact information on the council website.

If the pot smell is very strong your neighbors could be growing it. They might also be dealing. Please report them if this is a possibility. You can do this anonymously through Crimestoppers. It sounds drastic but could be an effective way of dealing with the nuisance smell.

Would mental health services review your meds - maybe increase the dose or add something else in temporarily just to help you feel more in control, in order to make the changes you need to get into a better situation?

Sending

A house exchange might be faster

I'm not autistic myself but I have dyspraxia and dh has autism so I kind of understand the issues that you are struggling with.

Do you/the children have a health visitor? If you do or if any of your children are under 5 years old you might want to try him/her first.

If you do go to social services you need to make sure you go to adult social services as they will be able to help you better than children's social services.

I don't know what kind of smells you like but I find air freshener spray will disguise most things when sprayed liberally.

Dh uses sleeping pills and a fan to help him sleep, could be worth a try.

What kind of help (other than moving) do you think will help? Social services may be able to help but you need to think about what you are asking for. It's hard living with nightmare neighbours!

They are likely to help.

We should have a system where they are there for people to self refer.

But please don’t.

It’s really not worth the stress it will give you.

Social services may well help.
I was in a similar situation though with physical rather than mental health. I literally could not function. I could not look after my children and myself all of the time. Some of the time ok but trying to balance it all was becoming dangerous to us all, through lack of sleep, pain, depression.
I didn't know where to go. I couldn't find a charity that would help. I didn't tick the right boxes or live in the right area.
In utter desperation I called social services completely convinced they would take the children, but I couldn't see how we could go on any more.
They came quite quickly interviewed me, met the children and realised what we needed was for me to have rest and the ability to switch off so they paid for 15 hours a week childcare which I couldn't afford.
It meant I was able to recharge and then be ready to parent again when they came home.
So my experience with ss is that they may be able to provide outside help to get you through until the move.

To second a PP I would be inclined to suspect they're growing the cannabis aswell as smoking it.

If the smell is seeping in to your house then that is a high possibility. Them smoking it in a roll up wouldn't penetrate the walls however a grow of it would due to all of the filter stuff they have to set up.

I say this as somebody who lived nextdoor to a couple who were found to be growing it, a big tent of the stuff. If you walked into my back bedroom you could smell it as if it were in my house. It was unbearable so you have my sympathy.

If you think that is a possibility then I would definitely report it anonymously.

If I were you I would try every other avenue before social services, not to discredit them but housing isn't something they'd be able to do much about in your situation.

You have my complete sympathy, I have a child with ASD and I understand how distressing it is when you can't escape the sensory overload.