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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my partner

69 replies

silvertogold · 15/11/2020 18:20

We have an 16 mo little one. Our bedtime routine is always the same. I go upstairs and bath little one, my other half will do his bottle then come up when he's ready for bed and give him his bottle.

Today I asked if we should now consider moving him off formula at night time (he was low weight so we were advised to keep the formula for now and then slowly decrease by 1oz every month and replace with blue top milk. Recently he has now taken to eating really well and maintained his weight which we are thrilled with.) to which my partner said oh he's been off it for a month now.

I'm heartbroken, I feel this is a big milestone and I've missed it and the fact he didn't even discuss it with me hurts.

He says I am being unreasonable and there is no need to be annoyed with him over it because it doesn't mean anything. To me though that's a whole chapter of babyhood gone.

Is this me being unreasonable or do I have reason to be upset?

OP posts:

Meowchickameowmeow · 15/11/2020 19:19

You are being unreasonable to be heartbroken about a complete non event.

Merryoldgoat · 15/11/2020 19:21

This is zero to get worked up about - I really don’t get it.

beavisandbutthead · 15/11/2020 19:22

Heartbroken? Really? Your DH does the nighttime and dropped the bottle and because you don’t know your upset. Your baby is a toddler. You have a engaged DH and a healthy DC.

Original poster

silvertogold · 15/11/2020 19:26

Interesting. I wonder if it was breastfeeding there would be the same reaction here!

To me the end of 'baby milk' is a big deal the same as coming to the end of BF is a big deal

OP posts:

beavisandbutthead · 15/11/2020 19:29

The end of BF is controlled by the mother. I have no doubt the man wouldn’t be heartbroken not to hear it had come to an end. So goes both ways . My DH was delighted when I finally stopped BF

Naillig222 · 15/11/2020 19:30

YABU. A big overreaction on your part. Changing from one milk to another isn't a milestone. And even if you had known, what would have been done differently?

If he had done this when baby was 6 months old you'd have a reason to be angry but I'm with your husband on this one.

alltalknobaby · 15/11/2020 19:34

AIBU is a brutal place

OP I can understand why you are upset. I can also understand why your partner didn't think to mention it. It's just a communication issue. You will get over it (in the nicest way possible ) but ask him to talk to you about this sort of thing next time. Don't give him too much grief as for some people, this might not be the milestone it is for you.

Ohtherewearethen · 15/11/2020 19:35

You are being very unreasonable I'm afraid. This appears to be a very strange thing to feel 'heartbroken' over. Do you honestly believe that drinking milk rather than formula is as important or significant as crawling, walking, talking, starting school, etc? It's not even something he's learned to do by himself or a significant developmental leap, he's literally just drinking milk rather than formula once a day. He's 16 months old so not really a baby any more anyway. You need to realise that your son is growing up, doing developmentally appropriate things and is growing at his own rate. He isn't going to be the immobile, formula drinking little baby he once was forever. It's not like your husband has been feeding him McDonald's on the sly before bed every night. He's obviously thriving or you would have noticed over the past month that something was wrong. It really is in no way comparable to stopping breastfeeding.

Happygogoat · 15/11/2020 19:36

@silvertogold

Interesting. I wonder if it was breastfeeding there would be the same reaction here!

To me the end of 'baby milk' is a big deal the same as coming to the end of BF is a big deal

This is precisely how they aren't the same though. One can happen without the Mum noticing/preparing the feed/giving the feed; the other never could.

If anything I'd be annoyed about the dietary decision being taken solely by your husband but it seems a shame to get worked up about if he clearly didn't realise it would upset you so much. And it's gone well! We had to mix cows and formula for weeks to make the split, so it actually wasn't a milestone in the end it is very blurry.

Have a chat about things you consider milestones and ones you're looking forward to next, and move on :)

Pact11 · 15/11/2020 19:38

It’s not a big deal. Think you are overreacting to be honest. Might have been good to have the discussion but it’s no big deal. I can guarantee as your child grows up, your partner will disappoint you a whole lot more than this!

Naillig222 · 15/11/2020 19:40

Breastmilk is recommended for babies until at least two years old. Formula is not. So yes, the responses would probably be different.
It's also changing from human milk to a different species which I'd consider a bigger deal, but maybe I'm unreasonable on that one.

HotGlueGun · 15/11/2020 19:53

Absolutely not the same as giving up breastfeeding. Seriously, you need to have a word with yourself. Getting worked up about this is Bloomin odd.

Takemetothebar · 15/11/2020 20:01

YABVU. And a bit odd.

And as for those saying the father had taken a medical decision without talking to her...... hang on. They had taken advice and had a plan and had discussed how to go about it. He just started the process before she realised. It’s not quite the same as taking an unknown medical decision is it!!

stovetopespresso · 15/11/2020 20:02

I feel for you OP and aibu is indeed a harsh place! In some senses how you feel isn't BU or not, it's just how you feel. You felt you were not involved in something you considered important and that's what matters.

YoniAndGuy · 15/11/2020 20:09

Not a milestone, but I would be REALLY pissed off if my DH unilaterally decided to change something like that when it was to do with health professional's advice. Not ok at all.

So what, you were advised to gradually cut formula, your partner decided for himself that he'd go quicker and move to cow's milk more rapidly? That isn't his sole decision AT ALL.

MatildaTheCat · 15/11/2020 20:11

OP did you have difficulty feeding your baby? I can understand if you had problems breastfeeding and/or issues with weight gain and feeding in general then maybe you have lost perspective here.

You baby is fast becoming a toddler/ young child rather than a baby. You say his food consumption has recently improved? He’s thriving! That’s a yay, not a heartbroken. I suspect your DP didn’t tell you he was making the switch because you’ve been tense around feeding for quite a while.

That’s NOT a criticism just an observation. Feeding a child is fundamentally keeping them alive. If it’s easy then it’s easy to be relaxed. If it’s been a struggle then it’s harder.

You’ll be fine.

Crunchymum · 15/11/2020 20:11

@silvertogold

Interesting. I wonder if it was breastfeeding there would be the same reaction here!

To me the end of 'baby milk' is a big deal the same as coming to the end of BF is a big deal

Not sure quite how this analogy works for your situation but hey ho.

Crunchymum · 15/11/2020 20:13

I'm also confused about the night time cup of formula.

Is this the only formula the child was having?
If so then I can see why your DP decided to move this feed to full fat milk

Dopeyduck · 15/11/2020 20:16

I think you’re being really precious. Little bit odd he didn’t mention it but it’s not really a milestone.

Crikey, the other say my 11 month old DS was with DP for the morning. He’s breastfed and wasn’t due a feed. When I got in DP said ‘he kept asking for milk and you weren’t here so I gave him his oat milk in a cup.’ (He has allergies so his oat milk is the equivalent to blue top). Technically he’s not meant to drink it until after 12 months and etc I just use it in food.

I can’t imagine feeling upset over this. I just asked if he liked it and did he warm it up.

I could have gone off like you have that it’s the first time he’s ever drank milk that’s not from me but the reality is he had a couple of ounces of a different drink.

Put him back on formula if you’re so upset and not ready. It really doesn’t make any difference.

You should be happy that you’re little one is moving on and things are settled with weight. Try to focus on the positives.

TheOrigRights · 15/11/2020 20:17

With my second son BF ended so, so gradually that I could not tell you when the last day was. He'd BF only in the morning for a long time, then they'd be a gap of a day and then back to it, then a longer gap. So, there was no milestone moment for us, and it really wasn't a big deal. It was bittersweet but I absolutely knew it was the right time.

I am confident in saying that thinking about the years of BF for me is very different to how you will think about the baby milk years for you son.

Dopeyduck · 15/11/2020 20:19

Also it’s not really the same as breastfeeding to those arguing.

Breastfeeding is about comfort and bonding as well as milk.

This child was having the same bottle / cup or whatever, so the same comfort etc given in the same way just a different milk inside.

Not the same thing.

bumblebumblebumblebee · 15/11/2020 20:20

@silvertogold

Interesting. I wonder if it was breastfeeding there would be the same reaction here!

To me the end of 'baby milk' is a big deal the same as coming to the end of BF is a big deal

No comparison

In the nicest possible way

Build a bridge

Get over it

There's more important things in life

lunar1 · 15/11/2020 20:22

You can't compare finishing formula feeding with stopping breastfeeding.

diamond4u · 15/11/2020 20:22

I think it's weird he didn't tell you, then again typical man behaviour, easier for him not to make bottles. He should've told you, I don't get how he didn't in a while month

TheSoapyFrog · 15/11/2020 20:24

YABU. It isn't really a milestone which is why he didn't see any point in telling you.

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