Aibu to ask parents to respect our boundaries?

[PaisleyCrib]

Have also posted in relationships.

This might seem silly but I want to make sure I raise something sensitively with my parents, to avoid any bad feeling, and I need some help with how to do it! A bit of background info will be necessary so apologies for the long post.

We recently purchased a house for my parents to live in, which is about half an hour away from us (they currently live 3 hours away). We are financially very comfortable and it felt good to be able to help them in this way (they will sell their own house and invest the proceeds to generate an income for their retirement, while living in the new house rent free). We are over the moon to have them closer and have always been close. In turn, they help us with our 3 kids and multiple pets. They love the area and love the new house.

This is the hard bit: we want to make sure that certain boundaries are put in place, for the sake of everyone’s happiness. They are the sort of people who think nothing of walking into our house without knocking, at any time of the day or evening, to just say hello!! I’m fine with this as they’re my parents but I realise I wouldn’t want my in laws doing this, and DH wants to make sure that the new arrangement works without us feeling that we’ve sacrificed our privacy. How can I raise this with them without potentially sounding rude?? It’s pretty foreign to the way that they think. I definitely don’t want them to think we’re having second thoughts after they’ve been through the upheaval of leaving their lifelong home and town and all their friends. They are fully independent and physically fit so that’s not the problem, but they just don’t seem to realise that DH needs evenings alone sometimes... they generally don’t have a strong sense of privacy/ personal space and so I just want to avoid problems in future.
IABU - don’t raise this with parents as it could upset them
IANBU - you should talk to them (suggestions on how to raise it very welcome!)

Don't give them.keys!

Personally I'd keep the door locked and when it's not convenient say 'sorry it's not a good time, can you call before coming over'

After once or twice they should start giving you a heads up

Keep the door locked, so they can’t just let themselves in. Ask them to call or text before they visit because you can’t guarantee you’ll be in and you don’t want them to have a wasted trip.

You can be clear without being hurtful .

You have to look after your husband's feelings in all this. And no doubt you would prefer boundaries too?

If your parents honestly think it is ok to walk into your house at any time then yes it might be tricky. But a chat will need to be had.

Do it in person. Be sure you know what to say before you start. I am sure you can make them feel loved and welcome while understanding that boundaries are perfectly reasonable.

I'd wait until it comes up, rather than pre-emoting it.

Don't give them a key, and don't answer the door to them if they turn up uninvited. Keep the door locked.

If they do attempt to push boundaries simply say to them breezily "Oh, we never answer the door unless we've invited someone. It's so rude to just turn up that we'd never consider that it might be you!".

Definitely keep your doors locked for a start.

If they turn up without calling first then tell them it's not a convenient time and to call first next time. After being turned away a few times they will get the message.

I would tackle it up front. Say it’s so nice you’ll be able to visit each other more often. You and DH hate people dropping in unannounced, but when are they next free to come over and you’ll put it on the calendar. If you’ve always got something planned, there should be no need for surprises.

Wait until you think they might arrive and have your dh naked in the front room.

No - I would not bring this up until it comes up. It might not, half an hour is a bit far to drop in on a regular basis without checking to see if you will be around. If it's not something that happens much, I wouldn't say anything either, TBH. I don't think it would be worth it.

If it becomes regular, I'd just say, could you sent me a quick text before you come over? I worry I'll be in the middle of something/naked/out/I find it disconcerting otherwise.

Though, personally, even then I'd think seriously about just getting used to it. The death of the pop-in visit in general seems to me to have been an over-all social negative that corresponds to a real and widespread retreat from public life.

Don't give them keys and say very clearly that any visits to either of the homes need to be prearranged. Don't beat around the bush, just tell them plainly.

Shouldn’t this have been discussed before they upended their lives and moved from all their friends.

I think if you want boundaries and privacy but still want childcare and help with your pets then you employ a 3rd party.

Presumably very close with them? And very positive loving and close relationship if doing this for each other?

In that case - I wouldn’t say a thing. Instead I would just see how pans out and if they do overstep, then if genuinely loving and close... then you can just have a chat over a cup of tea then

I am assuming as they help with kids and pets that keeping the door locked isn't going to work.

Therefore you need to have a polite conversation with them. Be honest that you love that they feel comfortable to just walk in, but explain it as you have here, you would feel differently if your in laws did it and as such you need to ask that they respect the boundaries and don't just walk in. Explain you are happy for them to pop round any time but you would appreciate a call or text first and that they knock on arrival.

I think it's fine as long as you actually choose to spend time with them socially and not just want them to come over when it's for child and pet care.

My mum 'pops in' regularly (well she did before this bloody pandemic).
I pop in to my best friends when passing.
If any of us is busy we stick the kettle on and carry on doing what we're doing usually!
Ie oh I'm just ironing, come in.
I'm off for a run, I'll call you later
Whatever. Just be honest

Does the dynamic not sound wrong, you own their house, they can live rent free, they will have a lump sum of money, they can help with childcare and pets but otherwise can only call at your invitation. They sound trapped, like they suit your purpose and are the hired help.

They are leaving a lifetime home and friends. Why are they moving exactly?

Thank you for the honest replies. One thing I didn’t mention is that they couldn’t afford to continue living in their old house and so this was the solution that we all came up with after much discussion. It allows them to be closer to my two sisters too. It genuinely isn’t just about getting childcare!

We moved to live in the next road to my MIL. She sets the rules early on and we’ve always kept to it- no dropping in, all visits pre-arranged. This has worked well for 20 years.

I think this should have come up when you were having much discussion, particularly as you know they are the type to walk in without knocking. Could you have not helped them afford to stay where they they lived?

I would wait and see how it all pans out, if you've got two sisters living nearby then presumably your parents' time will be shared between all of you, it might not be as bad as you think.

I'd wait and see if it is actually an issue before bringing it up.
Shit sandwich approach? Say you are loving seeing more of them, but as your lives are so busy it would be best if you could have some notice so you can make sure you are free and not in the middle of something else, and how about next Wednesday to do something nice...?

I'd just talk to the about it now. Don't wait until it's all gone pear shaped and you and / or your dh is cross.

Mum and Dad. We're so delighted you've moved close and we're looking forward to seeing lots of you. We love you both dearly, but it's also really important to DH and me that we have some time together as a couple / family without others around. It would be great if you could check with us before coming over just to make sure it's convenient. We're often exhausted in the evening and visitors, even lovely ones, can just be too much. I'm sure you understand.

We already did consider other options to allow them to continue living in the old house - they actually wanted to move in the end as they felt their area was getting more built up/ wasn’t as desirable any more (and the green belt land behind their house lost its status and will now be built on). There was genuinely no arm twisting!

Thanks for the helpful replies, I really appreciate it. It’s also been useful to read the more critical responses as I want to avoid making them feel like this all suits us and not them! I will do what a few people have suggested and raise it in a friendly way, just saying how exhausted we are in the evenings and we’d hate there to be an awkward situation if they dropped round when we were wanting an early night etc. Instead we’d love to host them properly and invite them round for dinner/ lunch (which we regularly do, by the way!).
Incidentally, they will always be welcome to pop round during the day for a cup of tea when DH is at work. This is just an issue of what to do during evenings and weekends when he’s home.

Don't give them keys, and make sure they know to ask before popping round.

I HATE when people pop round without letting me know.. and I mean anyone, including my parents, and DP when I didn't live with him.

30 minute drive is a long way to just pop in. Hour round trip if you turn out to be out. Are you sure they will do that? No point having the conversation if they wouldn't have done it anyway.