Male colleagues

[Melissa4]

Just wondering at what point it becomes unreasonable and so I don't give the wrong impression to anyone or unknowingly cross any lines...

I have a few Male colleagues I keep in touch with since changing jobs. Once COVID is over I plan to catch up with a couple of them. Just wondered what's acceptable here (we are all in relationships)

I know grabbing coffee or a quick drink after work wouldn't ever be a problem, but grabbing lunch together, a walk or out for dinner one evening, is that verging on date territory?

I'd obviously tell my partner the plans but wasn't sure if the etiquette... what would you be comfortable with your partners doing? I think I'd be ok with all of them except 1:1 dinner I am uncertain of... I feel like that might be interpreted as a date unless in a group?

Going from previous posts on here, it's acceptable for you to do it, but not the male colleagues you would be meeting.

Grabbing coffee, drink or lunch are fine.

Walk and dinner not so.

Everyone has different boundaries, so whilst lunch might be acceptable to some, it won’t be to others. We don’t know the partners of the male colleagues and what their history is to say what is acceptable to them. However, even your partner having a coffee with someone who your spidey-sense is tingling with, would probably cause friction. Even in a group setting - would you trust that it really was a group setting if you’ve got that feeling. So if one of those male colleagues is talking about you all the time, or keeping the meetings secret then their partner is probably going to get twitchy regardless.

group anything (except an orgy) - fine.
Most casual daytime stuff also fine.
Anything that you or they keep from their partner, not fine (if their partner is controlling, that's the not fine part, but still impacts on you). Anything where you/they start acting or speaking in a way that you'd only normally share with a partner, e.g. no secrets or sex talk or emotional over-sharing.

Friendly hugs fine (except, Covid), even air kisses/kiss on cheeks.
Holding hands, making out, having sex, not fine.

A coffee is fine (one on one). A lunch, drink or dinner is fine (in a group)
A one on one walk or meal seems more like a date to me.

group anything (except an orgy)

Haha, no orgies planned!

I am fairly relaxed about this but understand others partners are not. There is no secrecy or more than friends with any of them whatsoever. But yes this is more as not to inadvertently piss of any partners or accidentally put myself out there for some extra curricular activities!

I never went fir a walk as a date so in my opinion not a date like thing to do 😁
I don't understand why lunch is different to dinner either.
So for me, all fine. As long as it's not secret.

If it was me, it wouldn't bother me but I am very secure in my relationship and at an age where if he did fuck up I know I could start a again.

I've done it before. I could do it again.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Yes that's the thing so long as it wasn't a secret.

Meeting a friend, male or female, in any of the scenarios you have described would be fine. I would have no issue with my husband doing so and he’d have no issue with me doing the same.

Hmmm a tricky one. There is no right or wrong to this. Just reverse it and ask yourself it you would be ok if he went out for dinner with an ex female colleague without you. Then you have your answer.

Lunch is fine, dinner is fine as long as at least 2 of them are invited. Unless you know them for many years

I’ve been for dinner with an ex colleague who became a good friend. I’ve met his wife on several occasions, I think she’s great, he’s met my DH, my DH likes him. I’d have been very if DH had raised an objection to me going to dinner with him.
And I’d be perfectly happy with DH going for dinner with a female friend/colleague/ex colleague

I dont understand people who say a walk isn't ok. I went for a walk with a male colleague a couple of days ago, we are both wfh and it was the only way to catch up face to face, and I dont think marching round a park in November could ever be seen as romantic. I'd be happy with a partner doing all the things you suggested.

A walk is something that's practical to do right now so was something I was considering doing. I guess it's individual circumstance and what people are comfortable with.

I think we all miss social interaction right now so ordinarily perhaps I wouldn't feel such a strong need!

The two close male friends I have are both former colleagues from separate workplaces, and I have a drink or dinner with both one-on-one, or see a film or go to a gig, on a regular basis in non-Covid times. I think the idea of dinner or cinema being date territory is hilarious — it’s only a date if you conceive of it as a date, and are considering embarking on a sexual relationship.

I’m married, and so is one friend, while the other separated a year ago. DH is perfectly happy with these friendships, just as I am with his female friendships.

Oh, and I attempted a walk with one of them, but he turned out to be someone who ambles across a couple of fields and then says he’s tired!

"I think we all miss social interaction right now so ordinarily perhaps I wouldn't feel such a strong need!"

I think it's the small details that shows the intent. You want social interaction and perhaps you don't have friends or family who you want to catch up with. If your colleague is in the same position, then it's all good.

Partners know when something is off. If he had other, older friends but chose you to go for a walk with, then of course alarm bells might ring for his partner. Or if they haven't had chance to do something together that didn't include mundane, routine stuff.

People cheating often set up an innocent friendship, as a smokescreen.

I think it’s also about how much time you get together as a couple. If one of you is too busy (actually or perceived) to spend time with the other but will give someone else that time...that’s where I’d struggle.

What @Saltycinnamon said

Other than that, all of the above activities are fine

Full disclosure, I've done coffee, drinks, lunch, Walk and dinner with colleagues in whom I have no romantic interest.

The important thing for me is the intent.

When we are both stuck at work, any and all of those is fine. Sometime as a group, sometimes one on one with girls or boys. Colleagues are mostly men so many fewer opportunities with girls.

Likewise, I remember the names of the coffee baristas at work, ask them how they are and about their holidays. They do the same for me, it's nice. Pretty much everyone does. Some of my colleagues when they do so, have the intent of working up to asking for a date.

The chat is the same, the intent is different.

It's the intent that matters.

Why is a walk not ok?

Me and a male ex colleague (now very good friend) walk our dogs for hours sometimes. Occasionally partners come if they’re available otherwise it’s just us and dogs.

@Saltycinnamon

I think it’s also about how much time you get together as a couple. If one of you is too busy (actually or perceived) to spend time with the other but will give someone else that time...that’s where I’d struggle.

This. If my busy DH who WFH was too "busy" to come for a coffee with me at lunchtime, and then he shot out for a 2 hour lunch with an ex-colleague, I'd be a bit narked.

All of what you described are activities that are acceptable to do with a friend