Male colleagues

[Melissa4]

Just wondering at what point it becomes unreasonable and so I don't give the wrong impression to anyone or unknowingly cross any lines...

I have a few Male colleagues I keep in touch with since changing jobs. Once COVID is over I plan to catch up with a couple of them. Just wondered what's acceptable here (we are all in relationships)

I know grabbing coffee or a quick drink after work wouldn't ever be a problem, but grabbing lunch together, a walk or out for dinner one evening, is that verging on date territory?

I'd obviously tell my partner the plans but wasn't sure if the etiquette... what would you be comfortable with your partners doing? I think I'd be ok with all of them except 1:1 dinner I am uncertain of... I feel like that might be interpreted as a date unless in a group?

@FTEngineerM

Why is a walk not ok?

Me and a male ex colleague (now very good friend) walk our dogs for hours sometimes. Occasionally partners come if they’re available otherwise it’s just us and dogs.

It’s in case you fall to the ground behind a bush and wrestle one another out of your waterproof trousers in a fit of crazed lust.

I've done it, still do it as we share a mutual interest that our partners don't. We have got to know each others partners as well there will be occasional foursomes for a meal out (pre covid)

None of that would bother me personally OP, I think how likely it is to bother your partner probably depends on how secure your relationship is. I'm quite sensitive to the issue of controlling men so if my dp tried to put any limits on who I could be friends with or what form that could take I'd be rethinking the relationship. I also don't think forbidding your partner from doing x, y, z is an effective way of preventing affairs. I remember a post on here once by someone saying that during their affair they would go out at 5am for a "run" to meet the OW and have sex in the bushes, and that no amount of policing his movements would have stopped him from finding a way. I think the only option with mixed sex friendships is to extend full trust to your partner until you have a concrete reason not to, and then be prepared to leave if they betray that trust.

For goodness sake...doesn't anyone have male friends?

If you are trying to establish a friendship then do whatever feels right to you.

I take walks, have dinner and so on with my male friends.

We all know where we stand and cherish our friendship as it is and would never turn it into something else. We also discuss our love lives. I treat all my friends, male, female, gay, straight in the same way.

I am good friends with some of my male friends girlfriends too.

I think there is something a bit arrogant about suggesting a man will always want to make a pass at you if you see them socially.

If they are your friends, then regardless of gender, see them.
It's only wrong if you're hiding it from your partner or if either of you have more than friends ideas.

Men and women can be friends.

I have done all that with male colleagues, all fine until DH and I had a rough patch and separated briefly. Two of them made a move much to my disgust and yes it was because they were supposed to be my friends. I worked in a male dominated environment only about 20% women so by default and not design had more male friends.

When I was married I had lots of male friends I met up for lunch with just the two of us. Why on earth would this be seen as a date?!

@Moistmolly

Going from previous posts on here, it's acceptable for you to do it, but not the male colleagues you would be meeting.

Lol!

@Merryoldgoat

Meeting a friend, male or female, in any of the scenarios you have described would be fine. I would have no issue with my husband doing so and he’d have no issue with me doing the same.

This. MN is so fucking weird with the rules when it comes to male/female relationship. I strong suspect there's a lot of distrusting partners on here.

@Frazzled13

I’ve been for dinner with an ex colleague who became a good friend. I’ve met his wife on several occasions, I think she’s great, he’s met my DH, my DH likes him. I’d have been very if DH had raised an objection to me going to dinner with him. And I’d be perfectly happy with DH going for dinner with a female friend/colleague/ex colleague

Yes, but presumably you live in the UK.

If OP lives in MN land (or somewhere similar like Saudi) then obviously she can't just be friends with men.

In current circumstances I think a walk is fine to be honest

Of course it's ok.

Is think it was weird if my DH went of a walk with a female colleague. I'd also feel sorry for her and hope she was wearing walking boots and had brought a bottle of water and snacks. They would have a chance to actually chat as he'd be marching so fast.

@LynetteScavo

Is think it was weird if my DH went of a walk with a female colleague. I'd also feel sorry for her and hope she was wearing walking boots and had brought a bottle of water and snacks. They would have a chance to actually chat as he'd be marching so fast.

Perhaps I need to go for a walk with your husband then as I am always told off for my speed

In non-pandemic times, the people I work with regularly do all of these things (except the orgies, as far as I know) with ex colleagues / other contacts. It's just maintaining a network and relationships.

Nobody would even blink over it, so I'm surprised so many people think it's contentious.

I’ve got a male colleague I go out with in the gasp evening! We go for dinner or a few drinks.
He’s single and I’m married. My DH doesn’t really have an opinion on it, we’re friends and that’s it.
All the things you’ve listed are (in my book) perfectly acceptable things to do.

I am a man. Only ever considered or had a coffee or lunch with former female colleagues, near the workplace.

I have done all of those. I did ask my husband if he minded before I went out for dinner though, it was somewhere I wanted to try and he wasnt fussed about as we would have had to get babysitters etc and as it was quite posh I didnt think i could keep it short enough at lunchtime. He said he wasnt bothered. The friend I was meeting is single though so I didnt have that to worry about.

As long as all partners are aware and comfortable then all of those would be fine

@nosswith

I am a man. Only ever considered or had a coffee or lunch with former female colleagues, near the workplace.

Why, do you think that if you left the vicinity of your workplace, or met for dinner or a drink in the evening, you would find yourselves ripping one another's clothes off in a Nando's loo?

I’m bisexual, does that mean I’m not allowed to have dinner with anyone who’s not my partner?

FWIW I meet friends of both sexes for dinner 121 fairly regularly (pre v
COVID anyway)

As long as you don't have sex with each other on your catch ups I dont see the issue....

Many women on here though will say that while its ok for you to meet up with male colleagues its not acceptable for male colleagues with partners to meet up with you..

I’m bisexual, does that mean I’m not allowed to have dinner with anyone who’s not my partner?

I think it's fine if they are non-binary.

@HermioneWeasley

I’m bisexual, does that mean I’m not allowed to have dinner with anyone who’s not my partner?

FWIW I meet friends of both sexes for dinner 121 fairly regularly (pre v
COVID anyway)

God no! You are to stay at home and only talk to oartner and cats or dogs or whatever the pets you have. Don't even look at people😁