Struggling to come to terms with new baby in the family

[AlllThatJazz]

So this is very long winded but I need to know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

I had lost my baby in November last year due to molar pregnancy. This is something me and my partner really struggled to come to terms with. I had to have regular blood tests every 2 weeks for 6months make sure it wasn’t cancerous. Then after 6months if I was clear I could try again, which was in May.
In July I was with my sister in law when she found out she was pregnant, we were very close and she knew what I had been going through. I was straight away thrilled for her. But she started to smoke and drink more because she couldn’t cope with the thought of having a baby.
I tried supporting her with whatever she chose to do, she wanted to have a termination. Although that upset me and my husband we accepted it was her choice and supported her.
When she went for the termination she found out she was 26weeks along so could no longer continue with it.
Yet again me and my husband vowed to support her no matter what.
Then it came to telling the family, we helped her come up with a plan to tell them. She did and when she announced it she straight away said she was going to get rid of the baby but couldn’t so another surprise is that she’s 26weeks along 💔 well at that I had to leave the room, I couldn’t face how heartless she sounded.
After she came and found me and I explained how hard that was for me because I would do anything to have my baby with me. It also hurt because I hadn’t fallen pregnant again yet.
Weeks go by and we would exchange a few messages but no effort on her part. Always me messaging first and messaging more than once for an answer because she’d ignore me. Then I’d get messages from her saying how she has something I really want and saying how she’s going to call her baby what we would have called ours. Patronising me and saying how the timing isn’t right to have her baby right now. Well there was only so much of that I could take so I stopped talking to her.

She’s had her baby now, I am struggling so much. I am trying to be strong for my husband but I admit I am jealous. I am jealous she has what I want and she doesn’t even want the baby herself.
Am I being unreasonable keeping my distance?
My husband doesn’t want to meet the baby, nor do i. Our family are super supportive of that and understand how I feel. We already brought her gifts for the baby when she first found out so I don’t feel I need to get her anything else.
But Christmas I can’t bear the thought of seeing her so we have changed our usual plans at Christmas. I can’t spend Christmas watching her with her baby when I should have had mine.
I know I sound bitter and jealous but my god it hurts so much 😔
Is it normal to feel like this? How can I deal with it?
Thanks in advance

It's completely normal to feel the way you do even when the mum is a nice, self aware person who wouldn't rub your nose in it and not the horror that you've been dealt.
I think you're right to stay away for now, she doesn't sound like she'd be that careful of your feelings if you did go over at Christmas and you'd come away feeling even lower and your relationship in even bigger shreds.

Then I’d get messages from her saying how she has something I really want and saying how she’s going to call her baby what we would have called ours.

Wow, there's something seriously wrong with her. I would want to stay away from her for that, baby or no baby.

I think for your own sake you need to try to forget about her completely. Focus on the supportive family you have and don't give her head room.

I am so sorry you have been through this. Your SIL sounds like an insensitive drama queen at best, and I would be inclined to out yourself first. Don't feel you have to be part of her audience out of duty.

• put yourself first.

Normally I’d say YANU but the messages she sent you were vile and I would stay away too.

I hope 2021 is your year.

Totally understandable. Loads of us fe like you do. It’s just taboo in real life to talk about it.

Once life gets back to more normal, seeing them in a big group might not be as bad as you think but definitely stay away from the high pressure Christmas meet up.

Just be wary of thinking she doesn’t want the baby now it’s here. There are women who feel like that during pregnancy but it changes when the baby is born. I don’t know whether that makes it better or worse but it doesn’t excuse her behaviour towards you.

So sorry for your loss.

I should have said, if you don’t want to see them, that’s absolutely fine too. Sometimes practically that can be more energy sapping than turning up to a big family do where they are but do whatever you need to protect your own emotional health.

This sounds heartbreaking for you, especially the name.

I'm so sorry for your pain and it sounds completely understandable why you wouldn't want to be around this.

The messages she sent you were absolutely vile, uncalled for and horrid. I wouldn't be seeing her again at all, not only how could she do that to you- but also to her brother?!

Block her and both of you stay completely away from her until things return more to normal. Then when things do only see her at larger family gatherings regardless of what happens in the future.

She clearly has serious issues if she thinks sending messages like that to people are acceptable.

Oh and in future however close you are to people do not give them the names you plan for your children even if they beg.

I couldn't deal with this - we had a miscarriage at 10 weeks in June, I would find it hard to deal with my SIL being pregnant even if it was planned and wanted, let alone unwanted. If I was in that situation, I'd expect her to really not be rubbing it in your face, not expecting to talk to you about the termination during or after, not making it obvious it's not ideal for her - there must be other people she can talk to about her own feelings. I would distance myself and just explain kindly to her and other family that you are finding it hard being around babies since your molar pregnancy, you're really happy for them but just need some time alone etc.

You are not in the wrong.

Her behaviour is appalling - for your own mental health, you need to steer well clear. I would absolutely avoid seeing her with the baby for a long time. I would be concerned that she would use the situation to upset you in some way - she seems unstable.

This is nothing to do with the actual baby, who I'm sure you'll meet and have a relationship with at some point. Right now it makes no difference to the baby whether you meet them or not, so protect yourself and stay well away.

On a different note, it sounds as if she and the baby may need support. Her attitude seems quite chilling, unless she's come round to parenting quite quickly, I'd be concerned for a baby's welfare with her.

Keep your distance with complete certainty that it’s your right to protect yourself from someone so toxic.

Then I’d get messages from her saying how she has something I really want and saying how she’s going to call her baby what we would have called ours

This is really evil. Of course you’re struggling to be happy for her when she has been so awful to you.

Take the time you need to heal. You don’t have to expose yourself to toxicity like this for the benefit of other people. Look after yourself

Thank you all for your lovely comments.
Talking to you people who aren’t involved is just what I needed to do. I needed to know I wasn’t being too selfish or overreacting.
I’ve actually been in a really bad place with my mental health since finding out the baby is here but your comments have helped massively and luckily I have a great support unit.

Luckily sister in law didn’t use the first name I was going too in the end, I had a family member talk to her in my behalf about that. But she sadly used the middle name, that really hurts but it’s a special name and I must just remember that. She only knew my choice of names because she was one of my closest friends helping me choose a baby name for my own baby 😔 But I don’t have anything against her baby, I hope one day we will have a relationship but just now it’s too raw.

I will keep protecting myself and my husband will do the same, thank you all so much :)

I understand what you

I am several years into a infertility struggle and was have similar issues to yourself. When I went to counselling the counsellor asked why I was being so hard on myself - I felt like I HAD to be involved in my friends and family pregnancies I HAD to be super happy for them I was a horrible person if I wasn’t. I HAD to go see them and do as X Y and Z even if it left me in bits for days.

The counsellor explained that everything Im feeling is actually completely normal and a very valid reaction to the situation I’m in. She said stop being so hard on myself.

All you actually have to do is not be horrible. If you don’t feel like visiting or talking that’s fine. You’ve sent a present and presumably congratulated her. If you don’t want to see her for a while or at Christmas make excuses - covid is useful for this!

Instead of focusing on her make a list of things to do for you - self care, date night with husband, plan a spa day for when lockdown is lifted. Link in with friends who make you feel good, counselling, a nice bath etc etc. Focus on yourselves. Have the Christmas you want to have this year.

If you feel jealous or angry just accept it and sit with it - you will find it’s grief. And grief is allowed and expected after what you have been through.

This all applies to any normal situation. She sounds horrible too so I would definitely be even more inclined to put yourselves first.

Take care.

If she was supposed to be a friend as well her messages sound really odd. It’s hard to imagine what must be going through her mind to say things like that .

I agree keep your distance and it’s lovely that you have family support to do that .

I really feel for you, but you want your baby. Her baby is hers, try to concentrate on seeing them as totally separate.

I would keep communication low between you and her as she is clearly upsetting you but her having her child with her takes nothing from you

This has really helped, I definitely think my jealously is down to grief. I am definitely the same as you in the way that I felt I had to help her no matter how hard it was for me. It all just got too much and I now feel like a horrible person because I’m distancing but it’s the only way I can protect myself.

Thank you :)

How terribly cruel of her .
Keep your distance. I'm sure all the family understand why and will support you and DH in that,.

All best wishes to both of you, for happiness to come.

Then I’d get messages from her saying how she has something I really want and saying how she’s going to call her baby what we would have called ours. Patronising me and saying how the timing isn’t right to have her baby right now.

You are not a horrible person to distance yourself from her OP. You have to protect your own mental health first and your SIL clearly has no sensitivity when it comes to this situation so absolutely keep your distance.

Her messages sound nasty and odd but apart from that TBH you shouldn't take it so personally. It's not her fault she was too far along to have a termination (when I was 18 and in an abusive relationship I had a termination and was 19 weeks, had only just found out as I didn't show/ stop having periods until much later). It's also not her fault what happened to you and your baby. I'm sorry for your loss, you don't say you're unable to conceive again so I'm sure you will have the baby you want. It sounds like she's also in need of support, just a different kind. If you want to distance yourself and take no interest in her baby that's up to you. Good luck .

I’m so sorry for what you have been through.

I agree with blocking her and I’d leave all contact with her alone for now, possibly for good.

I also don’t think it’s unreasonable or unexpected that you feel how you do. It’s been almost three years since my baby died and I’m still heartbroken and struggle a lot with jealously/grief/bereavement/guilt all mixed into one. I do lots of charity work for SANDS and at least I know my feelings are normal. A baby dying just isn’t something you get over. Right now you need to look after yourself.

I have had a molar pregnancy myself, I still remember the very awkward first scan that was supposed to confirm the heartbeat of the baby, with the doctor suddenly turning the screen away and advising me to go straight away to A&E. I also had the same 6 months follow up schedule.

What helped me to cope was the realisation that I did not lose a baby - molar pregnancy is an empty egg that is 'fertilised' by sperm, that goes on growing, it is not a human, just a mass of cells. There wasn't a baby. What there was, was the joy and the expectation of having a baby - and that was lost. Now I realise this is a subtle difference but to me, this was just something that helped me cope with the situation.

What am glad to tell you though is that everything went well - no problems with hormone levels going down and we went on to have a beautiful baby girl a year or so later.

It's hard seeing others having what we would like for ourselves but that is also the case for your sister-in-law, this is not what she wanted either and she has maybe not coped with it very well either.

She will probably grow to love her baby and you will go on to have your own baby, and all the rawness and hurt will pass too.