Struggling to come to terms with new baby in the family

[AlllThatJazz]

So this is very long winded but I need to know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

I had lost my baby in November last year due to molar pregnancy. This is something me and my partner really struggled to come to terms with. I had to have regular blood tests every 2 weeks for 6months make sure it wasn’t cancerous. Then after 6months if I was clear I could try again, which was in May.
In July I was with my sister in law when she found out she was pregnant, we were very close and she knew what I had been going through. I was straight away thrilled for her. But she started to smoke and drink more because she couldn’t cope with the thought of having a baby.
I tried supporting her with whatever she chose to do, she wanted to have a termination. Although that upset me and my husband we accepted it was her choice and supported her.
When she went for the termination she found out she was 26weeks along so could no longer continue with it.
Yet again me and my husband vowed to support her no matter what.
Then it came to telling the family, we helped her come up with a plan to tell them. She did and when she announced it she straight away said she was going to get rid of the baby but couldn’t so another surprise is that she’s 26weeks along 💔 well at that I had to leave the room, I couldn’t face how heartless she sounded.
After she came and found me and I explained how hard that was for me because I would do anything to have my baby with me. It also hurt because I hadn’t fallen pregnant again yet.
Weeks go by and we would exchange a few messages but no effort on her part. Always me messaging first and messaging more than once for an answer because she’d ignore me. Then I’d get messages from her saying how she has something I really want and saying how she’s going to call her baby what we would have called ours. Patronising me and saying how the timing isn’t right to have her baby right now. Well there was only so much of that I could take so I stopped talking to her.

She’s had her baby now, I am struggling so much. I am trying to be strong for my husband but I admit I am jealous. I am jealous she has what I want and she doesn’t even want the baby herself.
Am I being unreasonable keeping my distance?
My husband doesn’t want to meet the baby, nor do i. Our family are super supportive of that and understand how I feel. We already brought her gifts for the baby when she first found out so I don’t feel I need to get her anything else.
But Christmas I can’t bear the thought of seeing her so we have changed our usual plans at Christmas. I can’t spend Christmas watching her with her baby when I should have had mine.
I know I sound bitter and jealous but my god it hurts so much 😔
Is it normal to feel like this? How can I deal with it?
Thanks in advance

@Emmie412x

I believe there’s 2 types of molar pregnancy’s, partial and complete I was a partial where the baby has a growth of tumour on it. But it gets more complicated, I had two scans. On one you can see something next to the baby. On another the baby is normal.
When I went into labour I had my waters break and passed lots of clots which I presumed was the baby. Then about 2 hours later I had my waters break again and I did see my baby pass. So I know there was a baby but the doctors will never confirm if I had twins or not because they don’t have a scan to back it up. But the baby I saw was normal. No tumour or anything 😔 I’ll always live with the guilt of what if it was twins and one baby was ok. When I had my follow up appointment they said they found a mass of tumour. But when I questioned them on the baby that I saw they said they don’t have any answers for me 😔
I believe this is why everything is so hard for me with my sister in law. The grief and guilt is insane.

I’m just going to distance myself and focus on me and my husband

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. You've been through a horrendous thing and the fact that you say you and your SIL were close before makes her behaviour even worse.

What she has said to you is just awful and you absolutely should keep your distance from her. Please don't feel guilty about that.

I hope you can get some grief counselling and find a way to deal with the whole situation. Please look after and be kind to yourself

@AlllThatJazz Your experience sounds truly horrendous, I had a simple operation to remove the mass, I didn't have to give birth.

I think you are fine to withdraw, grieve and gather energy - but please don't feel guilty - it isn't anything you did or didn't do. x

Self preservation is part of survival, protect yourself from the toxicity.
I had 13 years of infertility and loss and I will not appologise anymore for doing whats best for my own mental and emotional health.

I had similar in that me and my 3 best friends all suffered some level of infertility yet every situation was different:

The first friend to get pregnant did so from a one night stand, she started drinking and doing drugs which wasnt like her before pregnancy (she had always smoked and didnt even attempt to quit) and she cried to me on the phone that she thought she had lost the baby.

I rushed to her side and sat by her in hospital all night and when she was released the first thing she did was pop a pill and grab a beer (first time I saw her act like that) when I asked 'WTH, your pregnant and waiting for test result because you thought you might have a MC?' she replied 'if its disabled from this I'll just abort it because im not going to give up my life to care for it'.

She wasnt the girl I knew anymore, I walked away and barely spoke to her for years, she had her child who is miraculously healthy but she still uses and our relationship has never recovered.

My other friend tried half the time I did but we got pregnant at the same time but then I lost my baby and she didnt, I distanced myself because it was the hardest thing I ever had to face. However that friend is a FANTASTIC mother who though no fault of her own has faced stuggles too (her child had a hole in their heart) and I know she wants me in her sons life.

It just hurts I'm trying to get better and I think I am, it doesnt sting as much anymore and he seems like an amazing kid. I'm in no way mad at her it was MY personal issue but honestly for the longest time even finding the will to function was hard.

I finally got pregnant through IVF and a third friend who had to do IUI also fell pregnant 3 months later and I was so happy we would have our babies together but she suffered a loss, Im now hyper aware trying to watch what I say because I know how much it hurt to be reminded.

She has gone on to have another beautiful child that I have met and she invites my son over often but shes also the sweetest person who never lets on when things hurt so its so hard to walk that line worrying I'll make her feel as bad as I did when I was in that situation.

Your reaction is perfectly normal. Many of us have been there.

I do think you should try to meet the baby. Maybe a shorter visit without a big family gathering. This is your niece or nephew. But I understand if you need time. Skipping Christmas is a good idea. So much focus is on babies at Christmas and it sounds like this is all too raw and too soon.

I had my 4th miscarriage last year, lost 3 Babies within 8 months. 2 people were pregnant the same time as me. They got to take their Babies home and I struggled a lot with that, to the point I can't have anything to do with either of them now. Even now a year down the line I still struggle to be around Babies or someone who's pregnant. I tried to call Pregnant for 15 years and now it looks like I'm going the same way again

Just want to say you can still use that middle name if you wish. I have two cousins and we all have the same middle name.