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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long school run

59 replies

Flowerfrenzy · 13/11/2020 09:40

DS is severely dyslexic and isn’t getting the support he needs in his current mainstream school. I’ve found a fantastic school that will meet his needs but it’s 40 miles away (just over an hour by car).

AIBU sending an 11 year old to a school which is so far away from home?

Does anyone else have a child with such a long school journey and feel it is or isn’t worth it?

(Moving closer to the school isn’t an option).

OP posts:
purpleboy · 13/11/2020 09:51

Not the same situation, but our school is 40-1hr drive each way. I use the drive as an opportunity to do reading, spellings, times tables. It's also a really good opportunity to talk to them as they open up in the car and everything in fresh in their memory of the day.
We leave the house at 7.30am and get back either 4.30 or 5.30pm they get used to it and it hasn't bothered my 2 at all.
What is your DS like in the car? Would he cope/enjoy that drive?

flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 09:53

Tough one. Two hours a day is a lot of driving. I’m assuming it’s a private school as well, if you can come from so far away?

HugeAckmansWife · 13/11/2020 09:56

I think it's fine if you use the time well. In and of itself it does not have to be a waste. Other issues though though are fuel costs, proximity to friends and after school or weekend activities if its a private school.

AnimalNitrate · 13/11/2020 09:58

I would consider it. Be wary of the fuel costs though.

Seeline · 13/11/2020 10:01

THat's a long drive. Is it always an hour, or will it vary at different times of day?
What about if he wants to stay for after school activities?
What about having evening events - concerts, parents evenings etc is there anywhere nearby where he can safely stay/you can eat etc so you don't have to try and get there and back?
Where will his friends be living - social activities etc?
What about bad weather/snow or the car being out of action - is there an option of public transport?

Augustbreeze · 13/11/2020 10:02

You also have to factor in doing that journey every time he wants to see a friend, attend a sports fixture, evening concert, parents evenings, how it would work with any health appts etc. Not saying it won't be worth it for his dyslexia and overall confidence, but you need to think it all through. Socialising with his friends will be the main thing and will increase with age.

Darkestseasonofall · 13/11/2020 10:03

Can you commit to 4 hours in the car for the duration of his education, will you want to work at some point?

BogRollBOGOF · 13/11/2020 10:05

It would be socially isolating. Different if it's a very rural school and much of the catchment is sparsely distributed so a more even playing field.

That's 10 hours of time to study/ relax/ do activities lost per week.

PumpkinCheater · 13/11/2020 10:07

For you, that's more than 4 hours of driving every day (assuming you go back home in between). 160 miles a day will take its toll on you and on your car.

Also, are you sure that the driving time will be the same in rush hour traffic?

I know one girl who goes to secondary 45 minutes away and her mum drives her. It works well for them, apparently. She does homework in the car. But it's the kind of arrangement that you could only do with an only child and a SAHP, I think. Basically an awful lot of her mum's life consists of driving, and their commute isn't even as long as yours would be.

His opportunities to socialise with his schoolfriends could be very limited, too.

It's not undoable but I would think very carefully.

Snog · 13/11/2020 10:09

We used local tutoring after school and this definitely helped my dd. Have you looked into this option?

Would you be doing all this driving yourself?

GreyishDays · 13/11/2020 10:09

@flaviaritt

Tough one. Two hours a day is a lot of driving. I’m assuming it’s a private school as well, if you can come from so far away?
Four hours. That’s a lot.
helloxhristmas · 13/11/2020 10:11

Will you be driving or will it be school transport?

Letsgetgoing888 · 13/11/2020 10:14

Think about things like extra curricular activities, wanting to visit friend’s houses, or if your circumstances change, eg if you’re unable to drive for a particular reason. Or major roadworks which could add on 20-30 mins. Icy roads?

Also if there are any siblings to take into account?

I’m not sure I could do that on a daily basis, but if it’s that much better it’s worth considering.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/11/2020 10:16

I think it really depends.

Is there genuinely no other good schools with places closer?

Do you have the time to drive for 4 hours a day for the next 5-7 YEARS?

Are you willing to do the driving to facilitate hang outs for a few years? Not an issues ATM obv.

Could that time be used with a tutor or other support?

SeptemberAlexandra · 13/11/2020 10:19

I am currently doing a 80 mile school run each day because of Covid due to issues with shared transport. It’s a real struggle each day and 4-4 and a half hours driving each day depending on traffic. I do all the driving and it is exhausting and dominates my entire day. I also have to moderate my fluid intake because of not being able to access a toilet. The stress has caused physical symptoms that I have to be medicated for. I cope because I know it is a temporary measure but if this was a permanent arrangement my physical and mental health would suffer. If you have someone to share the driving then it may be doable but in my family it has also meant that tea time and bedtime routines are delayed and a decent amount of sleep is a rarety.

If you have support at home and can have rest then the school will be worth it.

Original poster
Flowerfrenzy · 13/11/2020 10:20

The hope would be that my county would pay for a taxi (and school fees) as it’s our nearest suitable school but obviously I would have to drive to collect DS in emergencies and for special events at school.
Socially the children come from four counties so I would have to accept that DS wouldn’t see his school friends out of school. DS is in year 8 (he’s 12 not 11 as I stated in my OP) and has not met any school friends socially.

I just worry it will be tiring for DS but perhaps as the school is more geared towards his needs it will balance out the exhaustion he feels trying to keep up in mainstream.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 13/11/2020 10:21

No way would I do this. We briefly had a time where our school run was about 50mins-1hr...only five miles away but London traffic. Honestly, it made me unwell.

Oh and if your dc is ill in school and needs picking up, youre an hour away. If you have an appointment you need to attend but can't because your school run is in the way. If your car breaks down on the way? If there is roadworks?

formerbabe · 13/11/2020 10:23

Cross post, the availability of a taxi would make it much more appealing.

ghostyslovesheets · 13/11/2020 10:23

County won’t pay if you decide to move him to a school 40 mins away - they may if it is decided via EHCP that his current school can’t meet need and the school you want is named - but they may not have a place!

Also if he wants to stay post 16 funding for transport will be an issue

SeptemberAlexandra · 13/11/2020 10:23

Having read your update if your child is in school transport then definitely do the move.

irregularegular · 13/11/2020 10:25

Who would do the driving?? My children go/went to secondary schools that are pretty much an hour away door to door. But that is a combination of train and walking at both sides. Pretty good for fitness, social time, and independence. As they got older they would sometimes stop in town a bit. Trains were regular enough to almost never need a lift unless it was very late. It was fine. To me that is a very different scenario from 2 hours a day in a car and I'm afraid I would have to be pretty desperate to spend 4 hours a day providing transport. In fact I couldn't as I work full time. But even if I could, it doesn't feel like a great use of time.

Of course maybe the alternatives are worse. But it doesn't sound like a good option.

Augustbreeze · 13/11/2020 10:26

Two hours a day in a taxi, effectively on his own? No I'd be worried by the effect of that on him.

irregularegular · 13/11/2020 10:27

I've read about the taxi. That makes quite a big difference. Only you know whether it is likely to be worth it for your child. Maybe it is.

notalwaysalondoner · 13/11/2020 10:34

If you can get a taxi, I'd do it - although the downside is they wouldn't have your company in the car, but if they are the sort of child you think would enjoy the alone time or use it to read, revise etc. then it could work. If not, I'd be very cautious - four hours a day is a lot and you can't not allow a teenager not to see their friends just because you don't want to drive them, you'll need to provide at least some support for their social life. But if you can get a taxi during the week then it means if you have to drive them to a friend on the weekend or pick them up in the evening on occasion it will be more bearable.

Paperplain · 13/11/2020 10:35

No - 2 hours each day in a taxi on their own? Not a chance.