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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a house without my partner

26 replies

AllByMySelfDontWannaBe · 13/11/2020 05:56

I've been with him for 4 years, we live together, happy relationship.

However he is bad with money. It's never stopped him paying his share, but I wont go into the details: it does stop me from wanting to intertwine our financial lives too much. On top of that, we have been in a little bit of a tug of war about location. He loves where we live as it's his home turf. I'm happy here for the time being but at some point I know I will want a change. I dont want to be stuck with a house that will be difficult to sell on or rent out because he could block it.

I know this sounds really cynical but I gave read so many stories of sticky situations that people have got themselves into here because of stuff like this. At the same time I am in my 30s and would like to own a home.

So:

WIBU to buy a house without him? I am imagining he will be hurt by this. Is it unreasonable?

Secondly in these situations, what does the person who doesnt own the house pay? It feels wrong to split a mortgage payment as obviously the mortgage would be mine. So what do people do? What is fair? I am getting ahead of myself here but just wondering.

OP posts:
Neron · 13/11/2020 08:40

I think if my partner went off and bought a house without me, I would think they were ending our relationship.
How would you feel, if he moved away, got a mortgage in his name only, and declared you were rubbish with money and don't trust him?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 13/11/2020 08:45

I agree with Neron, no matter how justified/sensible your thinking there's no way it won't come across as anything but a huge 'fuck you.' Imagine how you'd feel? If you don't want to entwine your lives financially, how do you see your relationship working out?

For me, that would mean that we had a shelf-life, that we couldn't be together long-term. That's because I've been in (different) financially precarious situations in the past and knew my life-partner and I had to be on the same page 100% when it came to money. Things like mat leave, unemployment - life! - mean that you both have to be able to take the financial strain at different times in a ltr, in my book.

MaskingForIt · 13/11/2020 08:46

Personally I wouldn’t buy a house with someone who was financially irresponsible.

Are you planning to have children? Or get married? It sounds like you might not be financially compatible, really.

Varenne · 13/11/2020 08:50

@MaskingForIt

Personally I wouldn’t buy a house with someone who was financially irresponsible.

Are you planning to have children? Or get married? It sounds like you might not be financially compatible, really.

Totally agree with this. It's the biggest debt you'll ever take on so adding unnecessary risk to it would worry me. I'd think it's best to air your worries with him first at least. Also check up on legalities around cohabitation and partners contributing to mortgage payments. I have no idea what's what there but I'd be checking out what legal rights a partner would have in the event of a relationship breakdown / property sale
Ofalltheginjoints · 13/11/2020 08:57

Different situation but still ends up with the house being in my name only, when we came to buy DP didn’t go onto the mortgage, he runs his own business and it had had a bad couple of years so it made sense for it to be in my name only as advised by our mortgage advisor.

I bought the house we love together in it happily, prior to this we rented and DP pays half the mortgage payment despite it not being his house as the mortgage was cheaper then the rental flat we had prior to buying.

Ideally when we remortgage in 2yrs time we will be able to get the joint mortgage however I also put the deposit down for the property (DP is trying to save to be able to pay me some deposit of his own but COVID is impacting his business at the moment) but it’s very much our house and we choose it and the location together.

I think your DP would be extremely hurt, I would be in his position and like other posters would really question the relationship

user1493413286 · 13/11/2020 08:59

I’m a bit confused about what you say about the location; do you mean you’re worried he’d block it if you split up? What are your long term hopes for the relationship- if it’s marriage and kids then how would it work?
I think if someone did this I’d think they were planning for a life without me. I do get your concern about intertwining your finances. My DH was like that and we didn’t buy anywhere for 6 years as I told DH that I needed to see him sorting out his finances and keeping on top of them for a significant period of time before I was going to buy somewhere with him.
I would normally say that if a partner moves into your house then they should pay half the mortgage as they’d be paying rent anyway but it might just hammer in the nail further if he’s upset by you buying without him.

Rae36 · 13/11/2020 09:00

You are basically choosing the house you want in the area you want. Where do you see this going long term?

You are wise to be considering your financial security though

sassbott · 13/11/2020 09:01

You are definitely not being unreasonable.
And tbh I would question whether you want to build a life with someone who is on a different page re you not only financially but re your future living plans.
Finances are at the heart of any family/ partnership. I don’t think you should invest financially with someone with whom you cannot be on the same page with but I also think if you do this, it could well be the beginning of the end (which is why you could also be doing it at a sub conscious level).

Have you spoken to him about this? Because if you are building a life with someone, being able to openly communicate on topics like this is so important

user1493494961 · 13/11/2020 09:06

You're not compatible, he will always be rubbish with money.

Valkadin · 13/11/2020 09:11

If more people used head over heart then life would be much easier. Do not buy a house with him and do not under any circumstances marry him or have children with him. Reconsider the whole relationship.

userxx · 13/11/2020 09:17

Do not financially connect yourself to this man.

You need to understand that as the home owner you will take on the majority of the expenses, is the deposit from you alone?

Twisique · 13/11/2020 09:19

I think you sound very sensible.

I wouldn't marry him either, I would also be wary of him wearing you down one you have the house and trying to get married.

dontdisturbmenow · 13/11/2020 09:22

I agree with above poster. If you want to do this and he'll be upset by it, you are simply not compatible.

possumgoddess · 13/11/2020 09:30

What about buying a house or flat to let out? That way you should have enough income to pay the mortgage and additional expenses and still own somewhere you could sell or move into later should that be necessary. I may have this completely wrong and an happy to be corrected... But surely if you buy somewhere to live in now your partner will have a stake in it if you break up, regardless of whether they have put any money into it? Or is that only if you are married?

Boom45 · 13/11/2020 09:39

My DH is very good with money - not tight with it, just pays attention to what he has and doesn't borrow etc. I am less good, not drowning in debt but not great at saving and I'm never quite sure how much I have in my account. He also earns more than I do.
We have bought a house together, we bought before we were married too. He put more into the deposit and he pays proportionally more into our joint account (based roughly on our earnings). When we bought we had a legal agreement drawn up to outline how much of the deposit he put down and therefore what % of the equity he would take out if we split.
I am not going to be so bad with money that we might loose the house - I'm not a gambler or anything. But he will always "support" me in some way and he has decided he is fine with that. I think it depends on how bad your partner is with money- would it jepodise your future? If you were to buy a house "together" would his poor financial skills make keeping that house hard or would you just end up putting more into it? If its the later do you want to stay with him despite that? Because its not that unusual a situation, many couples are financially uneven, and it works because the relationship is worth it to both of them.

Cheeseandwin5 · 13/11/2020 09:41

@Neron
@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

Total agree with this.

Whilst your correct in thinking about your Financial security, you are asking him to give up his.
You would be better offer ending the relationship, than changing it to lodger and landlord.

WhereamI88 · 13/11/2020 09:52

YANBU absolutely. Buying a house jointly with someone who is financially irresponsible would be an enormous mistake that could ruin your life. You could potentially spend the rest of your life working your arse off so he can claim 50%of it.

It's also not a massive fuck you at all. My DP doesn't have the cash for us to buy together, he has a good income but his savings are tied up in an investment. So I will buy a flat for us, in my name. He has offered to pay most of the bills to make up for the fact he won't be paying rent and thereby saving loads of money. And when he has more cash, we'll think about buying something else together. We're in a loving relationship and can't see thia going south ever. But who knows what happens down the line?

LyingDogsLie1 · 13/11/2020 09:54

One of my best friends owns her house by herself because her DP has a gambling problem and really poor credit. He also owes her a lot of money. For that reason she won’t mingle finances or get married to him.

It seems to work for her, but I do think it’s a lot for her to carry now they have kids. She says she never wants to rely on him, but I think that’s a lot of pressure with small children. I wouldn’t want to do it but she seems happy with it.

Thehop · 13/11/2020 09:57

You’re far smarter than I was.

You’re right to realise now that you don’t have a long term future with this man.

NiceandCalm · 13/11/2020 09:58

Look at the cost of house shares and room rentals in the area you want to live, that would be a good starting point. He doesn't automatically get a stake in the property unless you marry. If he doesn't want to move from the area you're in now, would you/he be prepared to live separately but continue the relationship? Could he afford to? Do you want to marry or have kids?
I'm in a similar situation btw but my (and DS) financial security is far more important than hurting my DP's feelings.

BobsKnobs · 13/11/2020 09:58

Yanbu. Buy a house in your name and if you continue living together charge him rent. It’ll likely be cheaper than what he pays in rent. Don’t marry him.

firesong · 13/11/2020 10:10

Hmm, well you certainly don't have to buy a house with him when you have these concerns.

Do you want to own a house with him at some point? Do you see this being a long term relationship? If you do, it would probably be best to talk to him about your concerns and let him know that you don't want to end up living in this area, and you are worried about his financial situation.

Winter2020 · 13/11/2020 10:13

Some of your reasons for not buying together (his money management aside for a moment) are that he wants to stay in his home town and in the long haul you don’t. Doesn’t that make you fundamentally incompatible? Better to realise if that is the case before children arrive.

Some people replying bought alone simply because of their other halfs poor finances or self employed but feel like a family and sharing a joint home even though the finances might be protected (for example from a gambler). You seem to want to buy alone to make sure it is not your partners home and he has no say about it in the future. That is fine but surely it makes you question your relationship. It should also make him question it. In 10 or 20 years you could up and leave him/kick him out and he is homeless. I think much soul searching is needed over whether your relationship has a future or you are checking out in slow motion.

WhereamI88 · 13/11/2020 10:26

@LyingDogsLie1

It seems to work for her, but I do think it’s a lot for her to carry now they have kids. She says she never wants to rely on him, but I think that’s a lot of pressure with small children. I wouldn’t want to do it but she seems happy with it.

It would be even worse if she paid for everything and he still had a claim to half of it too! He could leave her destitute. Your friend has it tough because she chose to be with a gambler, not because she pays the mortgage alone...

Honestly, finances are a topic where if you are not compatible, it should end the relationship. I cannot imagine being with someone who I cannot rely on. That would make life so so shit.

LyingDogsLie1 · 13/11/2020 10:32

It would be even worse if she paid for everything and he still had a claim to half of it too! He could leave her destitute. Your friend has it tough because she chose to be with a gambler, not because she pays the mortgage alone...

Oh I completely agree with that, but I wouldn’t want to live like that myself.