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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to MIL?

42 replies

BeginningToFumeALotAtMIL · 12/11/2020 20:55

So...am I? MIL has always (to me) shown favouritism to DS. Takes him on days out etc. I've explained this away to DD by organising things for her or trying to push MIL towards dates when DD has a party to go to. Aside from that, we usually chat every few days, she tries to come to see the DC once a week (pre-covid), drowns them in birthday gifts etc.

In chronological order as it may be relevant:
17 days ago FIL was taken ill with bladder issues and had a catheter put in at A&E. I told DH about it and told him to call his dad. (He didn't). I called MIL every couple of days to ask how they were. I didn't call FIL because a) I never do and b) I don't suppose he wants to talk about his bladder issues with his DIL. Told DH again to call. He didn't. Rinse and repeat until DH got so annoyed with me and snapped at me so I stopped reminding him. Spoke to MIL the weekend before last, he clearly got a guilty conscience and called her immediately after I'd put the phone down.

Now... to what is annoying me.
A week ago DS deliberately pushed DD over and not-deliberately broke her leg. MIL sent a message to ask how we were just as I'd got back from A&E so I sent her a picture of DD and called to explain what had happened. I told her that DS had pushed DD and she said "oh, but he didn't do it on purpose". I contradicted and said that he very much did, although clearly didn't intend for her to get hurt like she did. Again she expressed disbelief, I said that DS had admitted it, she couldn't believe it, wished me a good evening and conversation over.

I've not had a single call from her for a week now. Nothing to ask how DD is. Not even a message. In contrast to when DS broke something (nothing to do with DD!) when she was asking for updates every couple of days.

I am so offended on behalf of DD that I have made a point of not calling and was waiting to see when she would call or message me. I asked DH if he'd heard from them and he hasn't. I know I should call and find out how they are. But the childish part of me is saying leave it, they're DH's parents, it's up to him, and they're clearly not bothered that DD is injured. Or maybe FIL is more ill than they let on, or they're offended DH hasn't called him.

AIBU and petty to not call MIL?

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 12/11/2020 20:58

Put your other feelings aside and ask how they both are. Then leave it.

Elvesinquarantine · 12/11/2020 20:58

Ime it's about time you left her to her own devices...
Leave dh to manage his own relationship with her.
And that of the dc. If she can't be a decent dgm to both I would leave her to dh.

Nottherealslimshady · 12/11/2020 21:02

Nope, dont bother, they've set the bar. Their granddaughter has been seriously injured and they dont care. So dont bother with them either. And no seeing DS without DD anymore, it's not fair on DD.

PlanDeRaccordement · 12/11/2020 21:02

The elephant in the room isn’t whether MIL cares about DD but the fact that you have a DS that is inflicting domestic violence on your DD to the point of a broken leg. This can’t be an isolated incidence. You should be focussed on intervention to keep your DD safe from your DS, not on what your MIL thinks.

SheilaWilcox · 12/11/2020 21:05

I'd have the right hump if my MIL called me every couple of days, so I recon you've got off lightly.

SheilaWilcox · 12/11/2020 21:07

And agree with @PlanDeRaccordement , How the hell did your DS break your DD's leg???

jazzyroll · 12/11/2020 21:08

@PlanDeRaccordement

The elephant in the room isn’t whether MIL cares about DD but the fact that you have a DS that is inflicting domestic violence on your DD to the point of a broken leg. This can’t be an isolated incidence. You should be focussed on intervention to keep your DD safe from your DS, not on what your MIL thinks.
This!
nowishtofly · 12/11/2020 21:08

Stop doing the wife work of propping up your in-laws relationship with your family. Leave it to your DH, you'll likely find things resolve themselves that way.

JohnnyJohnnyYesMama · 12/11/2020 21:10

I

WithTheJonses · 12/11/2020 21:10

How did DDs leg get broken?

JohnnyJohnnyYesMama · 12/11/2020 21:11

Sorry pushed the wrong button 🙈

Your DH needs to be contacting his parents more and you both need to tell them that they cannot treat the children differently

I hope your DD is ok soon

Aquamarine1029 · 12/11/2020 21:13

Why you have been managing your husband's relationship with his parents is beyond me. The multiple reminders for him to call mummy, fuck that. He's a grown man and you are not his admin. If he isn't interested in how his parents are that's on him. I'd be washing my hands of it.

foxyroxyyy · 12/11/2020 21:14

Leave her to it.

How did your daughters leg get broken?!

Silverstripe · 12/11/2020 21:14

The elephant in the room isn’t whether MIL cares about DD but the fact that you have a DS that is inflicting domestic violence on your DD to the point of a broken leg. This can’t be an isolated incidence. You should be focussed on intervention to keep your DD safe from your DS, not on what your MIL thinks.

Can you please try to get a grip? Children sometimes go too far and cause injury and yes they should be punished appropriately, but it is not ‘domestic violence’ FFS. My brother is and always was my best friend but when we were children he punched my two front teeth out because we were playing a stupid fighting game in the bathroom and he misjudged his aim and strength. It was, in fact, an isolated incident and you have no reason to believe the situation OP describes wasn’t either. As for OP intervening I’m sure she would have done if she had been able to, but it’s not always possible to watch your children at every second of the day in your own home.

ivftake1 · 12/11/2020 21:15

@Silverstripe

The elephant in the room isn’t whether MIL cares about DD but the fact that you have a DS that is inflicting domestic violence on your DD to the point of a broken leg. This can’t be an isolated incidence. You should be focussed on intervention to keep your DD safe from your DS, not on what your MIL thinks.

Can you please try to get a grip? Children sometimes go too far and cause injury and yes they should be punished appropriately, but it is not ‘domestic violence’ FFS. My brother is and always was my best friend but when we were children he punched my two front teeth out because we were playing a stupid fighting game in the bathroom and he misjudged his aim and strength. It was, in fact, an isolated incident and you have no reason to believe the situation OP describes wasn’t either. As for OP intervening I’m sure she would have done if she had been able to, but it’s not always possible to watch your children at every second of the day in your own home.

So well put!!!

One of the most dramatic posts I've seen!

Elvesinquarantine · 12/11/2020 21:16

My ils went bat shit when I told sil (9/10) off when she let ds climb stairs and he fell.. Our relationship never recovered..
Sil wasn't allowed ds alone again.
Dh went nuts.
With me.
Our marriage didn't last either.
I fear big trouble lies ahead for you op..

ivftake1 · 12/11/2020 21:18

@Elvesinquarantine

My ils went bat shit when I told sil (9/10) off when she let ds climb stairs and he fell.. Our relationship never recovered.. Sil wasn't allowed ds alone again. Dh went nuts. With me. Our marriage didn't last either. I fear big trouble lies ahead for you op..
What?
PlanDeRaccordement · 12/11/2020 21:20

@Silverstripe
What you experienced was sibling abuse. I’m sorry you think having your teeth punched out if your face is acceptable sibling behaviour.

Domestic violence is any act or omission by persons who are cohabiting that results in serious injury to other members of the family/household. Clearly, violence against a sibling falls within this definition.

Sibling abuse is one of the more controversial topics in the area of domestic violence. Society places a great value upon sibling relationships, as exemplified by the use of such common terms as ‘‘brotherly/sisterly love’’ to indicate strong attachment, love, and caring. However, several studies indicate that incidences of sibling abuse occur in more than 60 percent of families (Straus, Gelles, and Steinmetz 1980). This would make it the most common form of domestic violence. It is also one of the areas needing more research.

Many people do not want to talk about sibling abuse. Contemporary society tends to minimize it. There are a variety of reasons for this, including the fact that parents tend not to view physical aggression by one sibling toward another as abuse. Many parents and family members find excuses for such abuse. They use statements such as: ‘‘Don’t worry about it, it’s just normal sibling rivalry,’’ ‘‘They were just playing doctor,’’ ‘‘He really didn’t mean to hurt his sister/brother. He loves her/him,’’ and ‘‘They will grow out of it’’ (Wallace 2005).

Source: criminal-justice.iresearchnet.com/crime/domestic-violence/sibling-abuse/

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 12/11/2020 21:22

I think a brother pushing his sister over is hardly domestic violence. Unless he's much much older or he pushed her over the stair bannisters. OP said he didn't deliberately break her leg just deliberately pushed her over and the break was an unintended consequence. They could be 6 and 5 for all we know. It's a bit soon to jump to sibling abuse.

DC3Dakota · 12/11/2020 21:26

@BeginningToFumeALotAtMIL You NEED to defend your DD! Are you going to continue to let her emotionally hurt your DD by blatantly favouring DS? I just couldn't stand by and watch that go on. Your poor DD

Original poster
BeginningToFumeALotAtMIL · 12/11/2020 21:31

The elephant in the room isn’t whether MIL cares about DD but the fact that you have a DS that is inflicting domestic violence on your DD to the point of a broken leg. This can’t be an isolated incidence. You should be focussed on intervention to keep your DD safe from your DS, not on what your MIL thinks.

It was kind of a freak accident except the accident part wasn't an accident. More of a split second stupid decision. And yes, an isolated incident. And they're old enough not to have to be supervised every second of the day.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 12/11/2020 21:38

Got to love mn.... only mil thread where a child is getting the flack rather than the mil! Seriously if you all grew up in households where siblings never fought lucky you!
Op back off and see what happens... let your dh talk to his parents, see if mil calls.

Kingsley08 · 12/11/2020 21:38

Sibling abuse? FFS. Does everything have to be an ‘issue’ nowadays?

I’m assuming that when OP took her DD to a & e, social services didn’t get involved. Siblings fight. Accidents happen.

Runmybathforme · 12/11/2020 21:46

All the drama lamas here tonight. FFS, how many people can tell tales of siblings doing unspeakably horrible things to them, and in adulthood have a laugh about it ? Fortunately, most of those incidents didn’t end up in serious injuries, but that’s pure chance.

diddl · 12/11/2020 21:51

"I know I should call and find out how they are."

Why should you?

If you care & want to, do it-if not, don't!